


The Unimaginable

by juliesioux



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Forgiveness, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Healing Sex, Heavy Angst, Love, Nuclear Warfare, Nuclear Winter, Pain, Post-Nuclear War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, True Love, olicity - Freeform, unimaginable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:59:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 121,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7152152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliesioux/pseuds/juliesioux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place over the course of the five months after the events at the end of the season 4 of Arrow.</p><p>It is about Felicity and how she struggles to come to terms with her grief and guilt for redirecting a nuclear bomb that destroyed Havenbrook. She hides how she is feeling and how she is coping from everyone, including Oliver, but eventually she cracks.</p><p>This fic is about that moment when she cracks and how Oliver is the only one who figures out how to help. It is also about the strength of their connection, their love and the boundless capacity for forgiveness and understanding that lays within them for each other.</p><p>(I wrote this while listening to It's Quiet Uptown from the Hamilton Soundtrack. I recommend listening to it once. In private. In the dark. Be prepared to sob like a baby when you do.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Yet

**Chapter One: Not Yet**

_She stands alone_  
_In the grey light of nothingness_  
_And walks towards forgiveness._

I

It was the end of a very long night and she was exhausted. Felicity wanted nothing more than to have a shower and fall into bed but was unsure which bed she was headed to. Was it the loft’s bed? Or was it the bed at the Hilton where she had elected to stay while repairs were being done to her home? She couldn’t remember which one she has woken up in that morning.

Reaching into her purse she felt around for a hotel key card and discovered only her house keys. In her current state of sleep deprivation, she couldn’t pinpoint when she had moved back but it must have been recent. She felt like weeping for joy at the thought of her own bed, her own pillows and the quiet of being on top of a building.

Oliver was out patrolling the city but all was quiet, so she said good bye and signed off. With just the two of them, the hours were longer and the effects were starting to show. They were both frayed around the edges and trying to rebuild not only the city but their lives. Wisely, she opted to call a cab to take her home. Besides, she couldn’t remember if she brought her car or not.

She had spent most of the day with her lawyer looking over every single terms of reference the Board of Palmer, Inc had ever passed, trying to find a loophole so that she could regain her position as CEO. Felicity was determined to regain control of Palmer Tech but so far she was having no success in breaking down the Board of Director’s brick wall. They were keeping her out for the moment and the failure was almost more than she could stand. Or rather her ego could stand. This was not something she was prepared to admit defeat about now or in the future, she was too stubborn to give up.

Wearily, she crossed the threshold to the empty home she no longer shared with anyone and wandered aimlessly through the newly refurbished space. She felt the gnawing of hunger pangs in her stomach and searched for food in the neglected kitchen. Felicity was too tired to make anything from the limited scratch that was in the fridge and cupboards, so she grabbed an apple and a couple of pieces of cheese and headed up to bed.

“Maybe I should get a cat,” she wondered out loud, “that way when I talk to myself I won’t feel so lonely or so crazy when I talk to myself outloud about maybe getting a cat.”

Stripping off her skirt, blouse, jewelry, and shoes, Felicity let them fall to the floor and left them were they landed. She was just too tired to care what happened to them even though she would most likely have to get them dry cleaned to get the wrinkles out. Fashion just wasn’t something she had the mindspace to deal with tonight.

She crawled into bed and sighed in relief. The sheets were cool and the room was silent. Just as she was about to slip into merciful sleep, her phone rang.

“Nooooooo…,” she moaned as she reached for it, “Please don’t be my mother…”

With only one eye, she glanced at the screen and saw it was Oliver. Sitting up in alarm, she answered it and said, in a rush, “Oliver? Is everything ok? Do you need me to come back to the Lair?”

“No, no,” Oliver laughed, “I just wanted to be sure you got home ok.”  
“I did. Thank you,” she said with an obvious sigh of relief.  
“You looked tired tonight. Are...are you ok?”  
“I’m fine, Oliver. Just burning the candle at both ends. I just need a solid eight hours of rest,” she said quietly.  
“Ok,” he said hesitantly, “Goodnight, Felicity.”  
“Goodnight, Oliver...and thanks for checking in on me,” she said with just a hint of sadness creeping into the undertone of her voice, “See you tomorrow.”

She hung up quickly and pressed her face into her pillow in a losing battle to not cry. She was just so tired and his concern opened up a part of her heart she had thought she had sealed away. Not forever, but she wasn’t ready to open up that corner of hurt, not just yet. She still had so much to work through, so many layers of grief and horror that she felt buried under it all.

Even as her tears streamed down her face, Felicity was unable to to stave off the creeping darkness and slipped off into a dreamless slumber. For the first time in weeks her sleep was uninterrupted and silent for the majority of the night, passing without incident allowed her to sleep well past dawn.

The dream began a few minutes before her alarm was set to go off but it felt like it lasted an eternity.

S _he was wandering through a forest of ghosts. They were burned into the air all around her. She could see children holding hands with their parents. Lovers walking arm in arm. Children running and playing. She saw a city full of people, full of life, all burned to ash and held together by horror._

_She stumbled and fell. Not wanting to hit the ground she reached out for one of the hands that was outstretched in her direction. Her hand passed through the shape but it disintegrated and it blew away in a swirl of burned spirit and human flesh._

_The forest of souls screamed out as a flash of blinding light burned away what was left of their shadows. Felicity stood alone as the wind began to blow, hot and fast, swirling the ash so that it rose, in large weightless grey flakes, and then it fell like snow all around her. She felt a wail building from deep within her soul. One that she knew would never end if she let it erupt out of her body._

_A small pink bow tumbled out of the sky and she broke. The wail burst out of her, tearing her heart to shreds in the process. It was loud enough to wake the dead but there was not a single trace of them left to rouse from their place of eternal rest._

Felicity awoke with the sound of her wail echoing off the walls of the silent loft. It was always the same dream or a version of it. It never got any easier but she was walking further and further into the forest, into the destroyed remains of the city she elected to sacrifice in order to save the citizens of Monument Point.

One day she would be able to think the name but today was not that day. She turned off her alarm before it went off and laid in her bed contemplating what the day might bring. She got her eight hours of sleep but still felt the exhausting, bone deep weight of guilt and responsibility. She needed to start thinking about a plan, a plan to rebuild and heal the damage she had inflicted on the state she loved.

Padding across the clothing strewn floor, Felicity headed to the bathroom and began her day.

 

II

Felicity spent the day attempting to find a way to convince her lawyer to meet with the Board of Directors from her new office above the Lair. Since Oliver was now the interim Mayor of Star City, his office was in City Hall leaving his old campaign offices empty. Oliver had handed her the keys and the lease and told her to reclaim her company.

His faith in her was absolute and unwavering. It both bolstered her and destroyed her. He used to be the one she could tell about her day and maybe she still could but not about the nightmares, not yet. She didn’t want his pity or silent understanding, she didn’t want the comforting hug or gentle stare, _not yet_. She didn’t deserve it. _Not yet_.

 _Not yet_ , she would whisper to herself in the quiet of the lair.  
_Not yet_ , she would whisper to herself in the quiet of the loft.  
_Not yet_ , she would whisper to herself in the quiet of her mind.

It was her mantra and firm belief and she held to it like the frayed lifeline it was. One day she would invite him in but she needed to know that she could stand on her two feet first. She also wanted to be sure that he was standing on his own two feet as well. The last year had damaged more than just their relationship, the team and the city. It had left brand new scars on their hearts.

Finally, just as she was about to give up, her lawyer called her back to let her know he was meeting with the Board’s legal representation. He couldn’t guarantee her anything them agreeing to a sit down had her cautiously optimistic.

Feeling somewhat lighter, she locked the doors, turned off the lights and headed down to the Lair. They still had work to do with replacing equipment and general clean up but they were almost up to 100% working efficiency. Luckily, she still had a hefty income as majority shareholder in Palmer Tech, which she desperately wanted to run again, and was able to secure the computers and servers she needed to do their work together at night.

“Oliver!” she called out, “Are you here yet?”  
“Yeah!’ he called back, “Just getting changed!”

Felicity made her way towards the comms centre and immediately caught the whiff of something familiar.

“Oliver…did you get Big Belly Burger?”  
“Yup.”  
“Enough for two or…?”  
“Check your chair.”

Felicity hurried up to her chair and saw a bag and a tall cup. She knew inside the bag would be a cheeseburger, onion rings and in the cup was diet coke.

“Why?” she asked as he came out already in his Green Arrow suit.  
“Because you look like you haven’t eaten in a week,” he said matter-of-factly.  
“That bad, eh?”  
“Yup.”  
“You know I can’t cook.”  
“Felicity,” he began.  
“I’m fine,” she hurriedly cut him off.  
“Are you? You don’t have to hide from me.”  
“I know…”  
“When you’re ready to tell me what’s going on in you, let me know.”  
“Oliver…”  
“No, Felicity. I am not other people, I’m not going to ignore the dark circles under your eyes or the way your clothes are two sizes too big. But I am not going to push you. When you are ready, I’ll be here.”  
“Ok,” she said quietly, “Now, this burger isn’t going to eat itself.”

Oliver chuckled and went back to preparing his weapons and stocking his quiver for a night of patrolling the dark city streets. She watched him from behind her bank of computers as he checked his gear, loaded it up and got himself ready to go. He was always so careful as one mistake, one misplaced arrow or explosive device could be the difference between life or death. She felt a sudden sadness as it wormed its way up from some deep, dark place in her psyche and put the burger down. Her hunger deserted her, leaving her feeling a hollowness that had nothing to do with food.

Just then an alarm sounded, signalling a robbery in progress not far from them. With Darhk out of the picture, there had been a spike in petty crime but no one had yet to step up to try and fill the criminal void left by HIVE. Felicity was not naive enough to think that it wouldn’t happen, but for right now she was happy to not have to worry about Ghosts or the end of the world.

“Looks like a robbery on 5th...huh, someone is looking to up their jewelry quota.”  
“Are the SCPD on their way?” he asked.  
“They are but they are 10 minutes out. If you take the Ducati, you can be there in 3.”  
“Talk me in?”  
“Of course.”  
“Ok,” he said as grabbed his helmet and headed for the garage.

If she were to be honest with herself, she was glad to be alone. He was uncomfortably direct with her lately and, if the food was any indication, he was paying her too close attention to her and her current habits. She was grateful for the burger but the reasons behind why it was being offered were too much for her to contemplate.

Shaking her head, as a means to refocus her mind, she clicked her comlink on just in time to hear Oliver calling for her.

“Overwatch? Are you there?”  
“I am here, Green Arrow. Just getting your location up now. Ok head left on 4th and then right down the alley way.”  
“Got it.”  
“The jewelry story is the 3rd door down. They went in that way and will have to come out that way as the front door is 4 inches of steel. I wonder why they didn’t do the same with the backdoor.”  
“I see it and them, Overwatch.”

The robbery was over in two minutes. Oliver had them roped and ready for the Star City Police and was on his way back when another call came in. The police department was stretched thin in the aftermath of Genesis and Oliver was enjoying the thrill of the hunt so she sent him to call after call.

After a few hours, the calls slowed to a crawl and Oliver suggested they call it a night. For a moment Felicity panicked. It was still early and she didn’t feel ready just yet to go to bed and sleep. She was keyed up, probably from actually eating food after days of apples, cheese and coffee, but felt compelled to make her escape before Oliver got back.

“Overwatch?”  
“Go ahead, Green Arrow.”  
“Do you need a lift home?”  
“On the Ducati?”  
“Sure. Grab the extra helmet and meet me outside.”  
“Well, I...I mean, if you think it’s ok?”  
“Of course it will be.”  
“...ok.”

Turning off the lights and powering down the computers, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed for the door of the garage. She carefully rebagged her burger and put everything in the fridge before picking up the extra helmet. She had never been on the bike before and felt a small flutter of anticipation in her stomach. It would be a short ride home, but she was looking forward it.

Oliver was waiting for her, still suited up in his Green Arrow suit, so she had to suppress a small smile. Her neighbours would be very curious as to why she was getting a lift home from an actual, real life superhero.

“Should you maybe change?” she asked.  
“Nah, I was thinking about doing another round before turning in.”  
“Oliver, we’ve had this discussion. It’s just the two of us, we can’t take any chances.”  
“Ok, I won’t go back out. I have to come back here anyways, right?”  
“Right. Of course,” she said somewhat flustered, “let me just get this helmet on. Should I take my glasses off?”  
“It might be a good idea,” he said dryly.  
“Don’t be sassy with me.”  
“Ok, ok,” he laughed, “Give me your bag, I’ll put it away to keep it safe.”

Felicity did as instructed and put on the helmet. Oliver had to help her do it up and lowered the visor for her. She was almost blind, so he helped her onto the back of the bike and climbed on in front of her. He guided her hands around him and instructed her to hold on and then he started the motor up and headed towards their former home.

At first, she was nervous so she held onto him with a vice like grip. She could feel the rush of the wind and the strength of both the man who controlled the bike and the power of the bike itself. Gradually, she relaxed her grip on his leather vest and let herself enjoy the ride. Oliver knew how to ride. It was like he was one with the Ducati itself and all she had to do was hold on.

A few minutes later, he pulled up to the side entrance and turned to motor off. He helped her off and removed her helmet. She looked up into his eyes and saw they were shining with something approached actual happiness.

“Well, that was actually fun,” she stammered.  
“We’ve never ridden together before, have we?”  
“No, we didn’t...hadn’t...haven’t. That was obviously a mistake.”  
“Yeah, well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked with a subtle hint of sadness as he handed her back her bag.  
“Yes. Tomorrow,” she agreed, “Goodnight, Oliver.”  
“Goodnight, Felicity.”

She watched him ride away into the night and felt a pull in her chest, like her heart was being weighted down with sadness. She felt unmoored, adrift and helplessly alone. She watched his tail lights wink out in the distance and then made her way inside. It wasn’t yet midnight but she felt that familiar weariness that bordered on exhaustion creeping up on her. Maybe tonight would be another 8 hour night, she thought.

But she had paperwork to go over and notes to prepare just in case things went well with the lawyers. With Curtis still being inside the company, she had inside knowledge of just how they were trying to gut the company Ray had built and left for her to run. She needed to be ready to move should the opportunity arise.

Turning on the fireplace, Felicity made herself some tea, grabbed her blanket and settled in to read over the documents her lawyer would speak to in the morning. After a few minutes, her eyelids grew heavy, the papers slid from her fingers and she drifted off to sleep.

_She slipped into her dream unannounced. It was daytime in Star City, the sky was bright, the sun was out and the wind was warm coming in off the water. She looked around and saw the city was alive. It was humming with energy and life and she smiled at its vibrancy._

_She rarely saw this side of the city. The side that pushed steadily forward into the future, the past be damned. She sat down on a park bench and watched the people, the couples in love, the families, the children, all of them. It gave her a small sense of comfort to see the joy that surrounded the citizens of her chosen city._

_Gradually, the sounds of the city were drowned out by a high pitched whistling that was slowly growing into a roar. She watched a family begin to run, she saw an older couple point up at the sky and then she heard Oliver’s voice. He was yelling her name over and over._

_She followed the sound of his voice and watched him running towards her while pointing above her head. She was confused until she followed the direction he was pointing. What she saw brought her to her knees. It was a ballistic warhead. She felt her heart start to beat out of time as she tried to figure out how she missed this one. She had stopped them all, hadn’t she?_

_She turned and ran towards Oliver in fear and something so close to agony, she was surprised that she was able to move at all. She needed to reach him before it was too late. She needed to touch him one last time. A blinding flash, a roar and the world was on fire all around her, bathing the city in nuclear hell. She watched Oliver disappear in a flash of energy and she screamed and screamed and screamed._

 

III

Felicity awoke with Oliver’s name on her lips and tears streaming down her face. She knew what her subconscious had unleashed on her sleeping mind. She knew and she felt that familiar grief wrap itself around her. She pulled the blanket tighter around herself but she was inconsolable. Staying in the loft was not an option for her right now, she needed to get away from the memories locked into time and space in the brick walls that surrounded her. The weight of love lost only added to the sadness that permeated her heart and soul.

Stumbling up to her room, she changed into sweats, her running shoes and grabbed one of Oliver’s old hoodies. Sleep was not going to be something she would be able to do tonight so she may as well go for a walk. Downtown was still awake, most restaurants stayed open later now that it was summer, so she felt safe enough to go out.

And so, four weeks after the team had dispersed, after the defeat of the most dangerous man to walk the earth, this was how she ultimately came to cope with the unimaginable weight of assuming sole responsibility for the deaths of tens of thousands. She walked.

That first night, she walked in a fog of grief past a city that was beautifully, unapologetically and hopelessly alive. She past couples walking arm in arm of all ages, genders and ethnicities. She listened to the loud clank of glasses and silverware in open air cafes. She heard the loud, pounding bass of music that filtered out of bars full of Star City’s youngest and finest. She walked past a city coming back to life without once feeling her own heartbeat.

Pausing to sit on a bench beside a quiet cafe, Felicity stopped to rest. She had been walking for an hour and just needed a moment to rest her aching feet. She could see her condo building in the distance and was regretting not bringing her wallet with her so that she could at least call a cab. She was so lost in her exhaustion, she failed to notice that tears were sliding down her cheeks.

No one that passed her that night said anything and she was grateful. She let the light, late evening breeze dry her cheeks and, after a a few minutes, Felicity got up and made her way back home. It was almost 2 am and the bars and clubs were beginning to empty out signalling that she should get out in front of the intoxicated crowds.

An hour later, she stood in her shower allowing the hot, steaming water to relax her aching muscles. She focused on the heat and feel of the water as it hit her body as a distraction from the tears that continued to course down her cheeks. For a fleeting moment she allowed her mind to wander back to when she and Oliver still lived together and how he would wash her hair. It always relaxed her and helped her centre herself for whatever the day was to bring.

Stepping out of the shower, she pushed those thoughts out of her mind and got ready for bed. Since she didn’t have a day job anymore, she could sleep late. She wasn’t meeting with her lawyer until later in the day, so what would it matter if she slept past 10 am? If her nights were going to be filled with wandering and long hot showers, sleeping late was a fair trade off.

A few minutes later, hair still damp, Felicity crawled into bed. With Oliver gone she had the entire bed to stretch out on but she more often than not would migrate over to his side and sleep curled in a tight ball. The hurt of the past two months did not outweigh the love she still felt for him, nor did it lessen her longing to have him back here in their bed, but it was still too soon to contemplate that kind of a reconciliation. Not when she had the lives of so many to atone for regardless of whose fault it was that they were snuffed out.

She laid down and stared out the window. The stars helped to calm her mind in the quiet she never knew she liked so much before. Finally, the work of the day caught up with her and she drifted off into the darkness that played around the edges of her mind.

_She awoke buried beneath a layer of ash and soot. It coated her skin, filled her ears, her eyes and nose. She coughed and choked on it. She could feel it in her lungs, coating her throat all the way down. She felt like she was dying and unless she could get a breath, she might just._

_When she opened her eyes, the landscape that greeted her was one of carnage. Buildings were on fire, any tree that had survived the blast was blackened and limbless. She was looking out at a sea of destruction that would poison the earth for generations and all because she had to make a choice on how many would live and how many would die._

_She stood up and began to walk. It was her penance to bear witness to every single burned out home, every defleshed skeleton, every single dead thing left to mark the death she had rained down on this small city._

_She was surprised to see what the bomb had spared. Along one street, she saw the partial remains of a park bench and street lights. All the houses were gone, and the people in them, but dotted throughout the city were small things that stood tribute to the souls lost. A tricycle rolled down an ash covered street, blown steadily forward by the nuclear wind. A swingset creaked lazily, its single remaining swing dangled from a broken chain._

_Felicity heard a wailing in the distance and assumed it was a siren, locked to be forever on until all the power was cut from the area. There was no one left to hear it but her and it was as good a companion as she could hope for given the circumstances. She saw something glittering in the distance and moved towards it, stepping through drifts of ash and debris to reach it. In the beige landscape, she saw what it was and felt a sob rising up and out of her throat._

_Laying on top of a tin pail was a pink bow that was held together with tiny silver pin, blasted smooth but not burned, left to glitter under the nuclear sky. Felicity was bending to pick it up when the siren became a blaring, insistent ringing. With tears streaming down her face, Felicity looked up into the dirty sky and screamed._


	2. Interlude Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a short interlude away from Felicity's POV.  
> Oliver discovers her night time activities and struggles with what to do. Lyla offers support but ultimately, Felicity's journey is her own and Oliver steps back in respect of that fact.
> 
> A lot of sadness but necessary sadness that reflects what she is struggling with.

_Softly, he walks_

_Through the ghosts that surround her_

_Reaching for her hand._

  


I

 

_Oliver would never admit it to Felicity, but he had been keeping tabs on her through various means since the night of the nuclear bomb hitting Havenrock. While he only had to grapple with the death of one man, she was attempting to overcome the deaths of tens of thousands.  He couldn’t even begin to imagine the emotional, mental and psychological toll that would have on anyone but to know she was fighting her way through the sorrow alone filled him with a profound sense of helplessness, grief and regret._

_He loved her with all that was in him but kept his distance so that she could find her way through her darkness on her own. When she needed him, he knew she would come to him. Until then, he stayed busy being Mayor during the day and Green Arrow at night. She was with him every step of the way for the purpose of rebuilding the city and their shared legacy but this was her journey and hers alone. All he could do was show her the respect he had for her strength and determination and wait for her to come to him._

_A week ago, he noticed that her clothes weren’t fitting correctly and the dark circles taking permanent residency under her eyes. When asked, she attributed it to stress and trying to regain control of Palmer Tech but he knew it ran deeper than that. Before the worry ate him up he contacted Lyla, with the cover story that he was just checking in on Diggle and how he was doing now that he was back in the Army, but Lyla could see right through him._

_“Oliver, I know you spoke with John two days ago,” she said matter-of-factly after a few minutes, “This is about Felicity isn’t it?”_

_“Yeah,” he admitted, “I’m worried, Lyla. She wasn’t...isn’t...she isn’t a soldier or a warrior like the rest of us. She is stronger than all of us in so many different ways but this is different.”_

_“No, you’re right, she isn’t a soldier. She is a General. A four star one at that. She is a leader, Oliver, like you are but even leaders have moments where they falter. She held it together and made a choice neither you nor I will ever have to face in our life times. If she needs to fall apart, let her but don’t let her stay broken, Oliver. You need her. I need her. John needs her.”_

_“What if I can’t? What if she won’t let me?”_

_“She will always let you, Oliver,” Lyla said in a soft voice, “you just need to be ready for when she does.”_

 

_So he consigned himself to wait for her to trust herself enough to trust him because right now she was in a place where no amount of gentleness and kind words would reach her. In the meantime he knew there were small things he could do for her, starting with signing over the lease to his offices above the lair. She needed the space to create, to dream, to be the brilliant force of nature that she was and she couldn’t do that cooped up in the loft._

_The look of surprise on her face that day was something he carried with him as a reminder of how unassuming she was, how genuinely shocked she could be when given something out of love and respect. He had wanted to hug her, to pull her tight into an embrace that could heal the rift between them but he had simply smiled and and allowed his gaze to linger on her until she looked away._

_His first week as Interim Mayor had been uneventful but full of meetings. How the city was going to pay for any of the rebuilding was beyond him but he had to make a dent in the recovery process. It was a good exercise for him, to look at ways of healing the city, for it helped prepare him for when he could extend that reach outward to Havenrock. The city was almost entirely wiped out, and would have to remain uninhabited for decades, but the few surviving citizens needed medical support, homes and jobs._

_By focusing on the larger picture, he could feel himself slowly unwinding, untangling himself from the trauma of the past few months. He was able to see his role in the dissolution of his relationship with Felicity more clarity and was able to truly see her perspective for the first time. It was more than just stepping into her shoes and turning his mind towards himself, he was finally able to contextualize her experience and it humbled him. He was continually learning from his mistakes but this was the one that brought him to the knees._

_She had been kidnapped, shot and paralyzed and yet, through it all, trusted him implicitly. She loved him with a ferocity that left him breathless and weak in the knees, enough to want to tie her journey and heart to his and create a present and a future with him. The knowledge of that haunted him on the days he allowed himself to think about how he had lost it all by taking her trust like it were a possession he could control and then repaid her by freezing her out when her strength and courage were what he needed most. He had failed to honour her love, trust and respect and was now trying to navigate his way to her forgiveness._

_Oliver knew he was his own worst enemy in matters of the heart but this mistake was one step further than just self-sabotage. He had yet to voice this to her, but he had been terrified of not just losing her but of failing to be the man she deserved. It wasn’t an excuse, he refused to make those, but it was as clear an explanation that he could provide._

_Yet he knew there was a reason why they remained by each other’s side during the devastation and pain of the past two months. If it took him the rest of this life time and the next to atone for his actions, he would gladly give it all to her. He was willing to prove he had learned from his mistakes and that he was willing to wait for her forgiveness._

_Oliver could clearly see that she was struggling under the weight of that fateful decision. He watched her, carefully, from behind the computers or his set up of arrows and weapons and could see the slump of her shoulders, the way she kept her head down and the silence that surrounded her. It was like she was attempting to curl in on herself in an attempt to be less visible, less noticeable, less present. All he could do was watch and wait and not allow her to erase herself from the world._

  


_II_

 

_“Are you sleeping at all?” he asked a few days after their ride on the Ducati._

_“Yes, I am. My sleep schedule is just a little messed up right now,” she answered with a snap to her voice._

_“You look exhausted, Felicity,” he said gently._

_“Oliver, drop it, please,” she said stiffly._

_“Ok,” he said, hands up in the air in surrender, “I’ll drop it. I have to get ready for patrol anyways.”_

 

_They spent the rest of the night only speaking when necessary. She continued to guide him, kept him safe, but had completely shut down in all other aspects. There was no witty banter, no run on sentences that would make him shake his head in amusement, no slips of the tongue, no easy laughter. She was just a voice with no life or energy._

_“Things are quiet now, the SCPD seems to have a handle on the calls. I think I’ll sign off,” she said tiredly._

_“Ok, Overwatch. I’ll head back in,” he said quietly._

_“I’ll leave the lights on.”_

 

_And with that she was gone._

 

_Furrowing his brow under his cowl, Oliver slipped from the quiet perch he had found atop a warehouse down by the docks and made his way back to the Lair. He knew she would be gone before he got there, but he felt he needed to at least try and intercept her._

_When he pulled into the garage, he knew he’d missed her. The lights were low and the computers were running on half power. If not for the faint trace of her perfume still lingering in the air, it would have been like she was never there. He slowly walked through the Lair, retracing her steps by the scent of coconut and frangipani perfume she wore. It brought back memories of Bali and his heart grew heavy. They had been happy there, away from everyone else and all the violence and the life he had hoped to shield her from._

_Turning on his heel, Oliver headed back out and into the night. His nerves were singing under his skin and another trip through the roughest parts of the city would settle him down. He wouldn’t tell Felicity about it but he needed to do something. And it was this decision, made in the spur of the moment at the end of a tense night, that lead him up to the rooftop of a business on the outskirts of the bustling downtown core. It was from this vantage point that he spotted a familiar blonde haired head weaving its way through the crowds of people as they made their way out of packed bars._

_That one simple decision lead him to discover that Felicity spent her nights walking. He shadowed her that first night for blocks and blocks, until she turned to go into her condo building. He wondered how often she was doing this and why she hid it from him. Regardless, he would keep to the shadows and follow her nightly journey until he could figure out what to do._

_So Oliver became an unseen, unheard and unknown part of her nightly journey. He shadowed her movements, always moving silently from roof to roof, sometimes stealthily winding his way through parks and courtyards as she walked the streets of Star City. Sometimes she walked for a few hours, other times she would find a bench in the downtown and just watch all the people as they went about their lives._

_She faded into the background for everyone else, but for him, she glowed and shone like a star. He could always find her and she was all he could see in the dim shadows of the night. He wasn’t sure how long she would be able to maintain her nocturnal activities, but he sensed she was searching for something and until she found it, she would walk and walk and walk._

_During the day, he maintained the emotional distance they had established after the defeat of Darhk. She had set very clear boundaries and he wasn’t sure yet how he was going to break through them. In the meantime, he provided food so she could keep her strength up. He offered his assistance for whatever she needed but mostly he watched her to make sure she didn’t fade into the shadows of her own life. He simply loved her too much to lose her while she still stood next to him._


	3. Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity has a moment, an intense PTSD-related anxiety attack, in front of Oliver. She pushes him away and flees the Lair so that she doesn't have to deal with what is happening with Oliver.
> 
> This is just the beginning for her in trying to sort out how to find her way out of the grief she is feeling. It is important to see her struggling on her own in the early days of this. I promise it will get easier but it needs to be hard first.

_There was no escape_   
_She stumbled through her life_   
_Seeking the light._

I

“Hey, Felicity!” Oliver called as he returned to the lair, “My com link isn’t working right. Is there another one I can use?”  
“Yeah, try Diggle’s locker,” she called back while quickly switched her screen from the list she was reading to the surveillance drone she had hacked into a few minutes ago. She didn’t want him to see that she had compiled a list of all the dead in Havenrock. Forty thousand names that she was slowly memorizing, including their ages and elements of their lives. As much information as she could find, she was including. If it took her a lifetime, she would be able to recite everything about them.

“His seems to be working,” Oliver said as he came up to her com centre, “I don’t get what happened with mine.”  
“It has seen some action as of late,” she said with a hint of sarcasm. Reaching her hand out for the comlink, Oliver dropped it in her palm and sat down in the chair opposite her. Felicity turned around, mainly to avoid his stare, and set to work trying to figure out how to get his link working again.

She was tired. She had been walking the streets of Star City for the past week and other than tired feet and stronger legs, she was still lost in the depths of her grief. One day she would emerge from it, stronger and whole, but for now she was still in pieces, scattered in all directions.

If not for the routine of working with Oliver in their nightly patrolling, she would have fallen apart along time ago. Right now, she could feel Oliver’s eyes as they bored into the back of her head and felt a flush creep up her neck and bit her bottom lip to distract herself from it.

“Felicity,” he said softly, “you need to start taking better care of yourself.”  
“Oliver,” she said wearily, “I am doing the best I can. I...I just need -”  
Just then there was a bright flash on the tv screen to her right and she froze. All the air in the room collected itself and pressed down on her until she felt like she was suffocating. The air left her lungs and a weight slowly settled on her chest. Felicity was loosely aware that she was taking deep, unsteady breaths but all she could see was hell come to earth. She saw bodies stripped of flesh, others burned to ash and shadows burned into concrete walls.

She saw a forest of lost souls, wailing in despair and a city...a city once so vibrantly alive, full of people who were loved, families that were thriving, artists, writers, lovers, friends, mothers, fathers and children…

...children. Babies. Toddlers. All so defenseless and powerless. And she had made the choice to erase them completely from the face of the earth. Entire generations of families wiped away, burned away, in a white hot flash of death delivering light. Felicity gripped the edge of her desk and held on, trying not to scream into the void that surrounded her.

“Felicity! You need to breathe,” Oliver’s voice came in from a million miles away, “Please, you need to breathe. Felicity, honey, please...”

She locked eyes with him but saw only bodies blasted apart, a city leveled, and death raining down from the sky. She saw a poisoned earth and complete family lines ended. Felicity could feel a wail building from deep within and clung to the desk to keep it from exploding out of her.

Abruptly, she pushed herself to her feet and stumbled away from her computers and from Oliver, who had crossed the space between them to kneel beside her. The last thing she wanted was for him to get close even though it was exactly what she wanted. Refuge in his arms for just a few moments to silence the voices and still the images was what she desperately wanted but _not yet_.

 _Not yet_ , she said in her head as she backed away.  
_Not yet_ , she screamed in her head at Oliver as he stood and reached for her.

“No!” she said forcefully, “Not yet. Not yet.”

Still taking deep, ragged breaths, Felicity turned and fled the lair, leaving Oliver to watch her with what she knew was growing concern and sadness. She was coming apart and the last place she wanted to be was there with him. She needed to be alone and the only place she could be by herself was in the loft. A hot shower and maybe something to eat and she’d be able to pull herself together enough to not lose control when the tv flashed a little too bright.

She stumbled up to the street while she struggled to get into her jacket, she didn’t notice the rain or the cold. She managed to flag down a cab and make her way home without completely coming undone in the backseat. Somehow she even made lighthearted conversation with the driver until she was able to escape and retreat to the uneasy sanctuary of the loft.

_Why is this so much harder now? she thought as she stumbled to the couch, Why am I falling apart like this still? I am stronger than this, I’ve always been stronger than this. Darhk left me no choice. If not for what he did, I wouldn’t have had to do what I did._

She flipped the fireplace on and laid down on the couch. The dancing flames usually could help focus her mind enough so that she could relax. She pulled the blanket around her and took deep, steady breaths, the kind that Oliver had taught her how to do, so that she could finally calm herself down. It took a few minutes but by the time she had pushed out all the voices and all the flashing images, her eyes were slowly closing and the darkness was descending.

 

II

_She woke up standing in the middle of an empty street. She spun around to try and find a landmark so that she could figure out where she was in the city. The horizons were hidden from view as her vision was blurred by falling snow._

_No, not snow, she thought. The sky is overcast but not with real clouds and the temperature is too hot. It’s the city and its citizens all falling in a blizzard of ash._

_Felicity balled her hands into fists and tried to figure out what to do and where to go when all she wanted to do was wake up. She felt herself taking deep breaths but she was struggling to move. It was as though all the oxygen in the air was slowly disappearing but she knew it was her imagination. She focused on a shape in the distance and began to walk towards it._

_She was no longer in the suburban section of the small city. There were no tell tale signs of concrete foundations that no longer supported homes, there were no empty driveways or signs of former life. There was just...nothing. No tree stumps, no remaining pieces of the city that once existed._

_The shape she was resolutely making her way towards turned out to be a bridge. A concrete bridge that still stood tall above a river bed full of toxic sludge. She felt compelled to cross it even though it swayed in the wind that continued to blow, hot and fast, from the centre of the city. She felt pulled by an unseen force towards the epicentre of the bomb blast._

_Along the way, she passed concrete walls that had somehow remained upright. As hard as she tried not to look, she couldn’t help it. She would search out the darkened images burned into them. A lasting reminder of the person who had been standing there as death arrived. A bomb she had sent in order to save millions._

_She rounded a corner of a partial building and stumbled across what had once been a family. What remained of them was grotesque. She could barely make out how many of them there were but she saw a tiny, skeletonized foot, the charred remains of fingers, and teeth...so many teeth...scattered in a large pile of ash and blackened bones._

_Felicity felt tears running down her face as she turned away and walked towards the nightmare she had created. Within a few steps, she was brought to her knees by body wracking sobs. All she could think was, “I have done this. Not Darhk. Me. I have done this.”._

_She sat down on what must have been the remains of the steps of a building, lowered her head into her hands and wept._

 

III

She woke up with a start and didn’t immediately recognize her surroundings. She knew she had been crying and her throat was sore from what she suspected was a prolonged wail. Felicity sat up and slowly tried to catch her breath. She felt defeated, crushed under the weight of the responsibility of so much destruction. Her whole world was slowly turning a uniform grey and she was losing the will to care.

Stumbling up to her bedroom, Felicity got changed into her walking clothes, grabbed the old hoodie of Oliver’s that she kept forgetting to give back and headed out the door. She had intended to walk back to her office but after a couple of blocks, she let the idea of working slip out of her mind and let her body do what it needed to do.

Felicity walked for blocks and blocks. Not seeing the street signs, not noticing the direction she was going or even the passage of time. She was trying to sort through how to break through the pain, how to atone for even a small portion of it. Not to ease her conscience but to help start the healing process for so many other people.

She looked up and saw that she was across from the memorial park Oliver had Star City create in order to honour the residents of Havenrock. It was a beautiful space carved out of a small copse of woods by the river. There were flower beds of lilies, roses, and tulips, a small reflecting pool, as well as park benches that surrounded a marble water fountain. The pathway that wound through the park was gently lit by low hanging street lamps creating an environment of repose, reflection and remembrance.

Felicity was overwhelmed by the gentleness of the space. She collapsed onto the grass and simply tried to breathe. She was lost in a flood of images from her dreams of what Havenrock must have experienced when the nuclear bomb exploded in the heart of their small city. She was gasping for air as tears poured down her cheeks and she slowly pulled her legs up to her chest. Felicity sat, completely curled up, just out of reach of the dim yellow light coming from the streetlamp above, and listened to the river in the distance.

The rest of the world vanished into the quiet darkness as Felicity sank down into the inky depths of her despair. She felt like she was drowning and was slowly losing the desire to raise her head up above the surface. She started to tremble and shake. Balling her hands into fists, she ground them into the damp grass beneath her as she tried to keep herself anchored to the earth.

_What did it matter? she thought. What if I had hacked in earlier? I could have sent it out to sea. I could have moved it further away from a populated centre. I could have saved all of them. But I failed. I failed and forty thousand people died. They turned to ash. The city is gone and it was all my fault. I should have been on top of it. I should have done more. All those people, all those families, all those lives…_

She wrapped her arms tighter around herself. Oliver’s old hoodie still carried his scent and it helped stop her shivering but did nothing to raise her above the crashing waves of her conscience. One day the pain would ease, she knew that, but for now she just had to live in it and let it burn itself out.

The sun was peaking up over the horizon before she was ready to pick herself up and begin the long trek home. She was exhausted by the time she reached the loft but she made time for a hot shower before stumbling into bed where whatever dreams she had were buried so deep she could not retrieve them when she awake later that day.

_One step in front of the other, Smoak, she thought. Just stay busy and maybe the dreams won’t come. Just hold it together in front of Oliver. He doesn’t need to be burdened with what I am going through._


	4. Interlude: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a brief interlude with Oliver as he starts to unravel elements of Felicity's grief. He is really beginning to get the full picture of how she is coping and the toll she is paying. It is also about how he is dealing with the stress of being kept on the outside of her healing process.

_Gently insistent,_   
_With a heart full of sorrow_   
_He falls into her orbit._

_I_

_Oliver stood in shock as he watched Felicity flee the lair. He had come back early under the guise that his comlink wasn’t working but in actual fact he had wanted to talk to her about how she was really doing. She was slowly turning grey, the colour of ash, and he knew she was ready to shatter into too many pieces for him to pick up and hold until she was able to reclaim them._

_The tv had flashed during a commercial involving a thunderstorm and it took away her ability to remain present. Oliver watched her as she drowned in a flurry of images pulled from her imagination and nightmares. He was completely powerless to help her and when he tried, she fled._

_Over and over, in a voice strangled by terror, she had said, “Not yet.”_

_Not yet._

_He knew what she meant. He had said the same thing to himself when he returned home from Lian Yu. He had felt unworthy of love, friendship, family and most of all, of being treated like a human being. He would imagine the words as his mother would hug him or Tommy would smile and joke with him. His self worth had been measured in small increments that had nothing to do with the life he was actually leading and they amounted to precious little when he had compared them to the world he had come back to._

_Out of curiousity, he went to her computer and checked what she was attempting to hide from him. She had been quick in switching her screen over but not quick enough to beat his observation skills. When he saw the list she was compiling, his knees gave out and he was forced to sit in her now vacant chair._

_Forty thousand names, ages, birthdates, occupations, schools...forty thousand notes for an obituary for an entire city all right there on the screen in front of him. Some entries were colour coded, others were bolded or had asterixis beside them. But each one had been entered by her over the course of the last month. Every name researched, annotated and matched to other family members who died that awful day._

_Her singular devotion to making sure they were known, not just remembered in a larger abstract way with a memorial plaque or park, but fully known as the unique human beings they were humbled him. Her immense capacity to care about all those lost souls, her ferocious focus and dedication to this very private project was truly amazing but his heart felt crushed as he came to fully comprehend the weight of the grief she was carrying in such profound silence._

_Watching her unmoor herself from him like this was more frustrating and far sadder than he had anticipated. Slamming his fist into the desk, he spun on his heel and made his way back to his weapons station and picked up his bow. He was brimming in energy and needed the distraction of taking on the underbelly of the city. It was too early for her to start her walking ritual but he would be notified when she did._

_She would be upset when she found out that he slipped a tracker onto her phone so that he could locate her via GPS but he was determined that she be safe while she walked the streets of Star City. He had kept her from harm on a couple of occasions when a few lone men had zeroed in on her and stalked her for the length of time it took him to intercept them and send them on their way._

_Perversely, he hoped for another opportunity to physically encourage a would be assailant to head off in another direction. When his thoughts turned to Darhk and the impossible choice he had given Felicity to make as he launched every nuclear warhead in the world, he would rage silently at the evil that one man had brought into their lives. The only way to reduce that tension usually involved his fists and bow._

_He had no regrets for killing Darhk. The man had gone from being psychopathic to pure evil and he needed to be stopped. But that death did not make up for the forty thousand innocent lives lost at his hands. The blame lay at Darhk’s feet regardless any action taken by Felicity, as she had literally saved the world and while no one knew, he did and he hoped that would be enough in the dark days to come._

_Millions would have perished had the warhead hit Monument Point. Millions of men, women and children. Millions of innocent citizens. Darhk had been looking to annihilate the planet but with Felicity’s intelligence and quick thinking, she had saved all but that one small city. An entire planet saved but the cumulative cost of it was slowly killing the woman he loved more than life itself._

_He felt that old prickle at the base of his spine. That small physical cue that signalled his need to get back on the streets. It was his internal call to action. Pulling up his hood, grabbing his GPS tracker and an extra set of flechettes, he headed out into the night._

_II_

_The night went by quickly and quietly so Oliver made his way closer to the loft. He had a feeling tonight’s walk was going to be a long one but he was still humming with energy. He had been putting in a lot of hours during some very long days and he was looking forward to the weekend when he could possibly get some rest. It was part of the deal he made as Interim Mayor that he get one full day off, usually Sunday or Monday, in order to rest. His body needed it while he worked the streets alone but right now he was ready for something physical._

_He had been going full tilt on one particular project as Mayor and that had been the Havenrock Memorial Park. He knew it wasn’t much. He knew a park could not replace the city but there were citizens of Star City who lost loved ones that terrible day and it was in remembrance of them that he built the park._

_It’s placement near the river was one he had chosen himself. Having water be a prominent feature was important because of the shared history between the two cities. With its location inland, Havenrock’s settlers had used boats to reach the original Starling’s ports, so access to the river was of vital significance for the people who came to visit._

_Every single element in the park was connected to something unique about the lost city, right down to the way the path wound its way through the park, it followed the serpentine path of the river that connected the cities and the flower beds full of lilies, roses and tulips which were grown in greenhouses for sale across the country._

_He had it created in two weeks and the city’s Parks Department had rallied around the idea and built it within the span of a eight days. He had been truly humbled by the dedication of the workers and the reverence with which they built it. A great deal of healing had happened the day he opened the park but Felicity had refused to attend. She had made the excuse of having a lunch meeting with Curtis but when he showed up to the opening, Oliver had felt the sting of the rebuke but understood why she did it._

_He wanted to be the one to bring Felicity to it when she was ready to see it. The peacefulness of the setting might help her find her way back to herself and maybe to him. Until then, he stayed focused on bringing a measure of stability to the city and people he loved. He could give them no greater gift than that but he wished he could tell Felicity that love does not despair. That love is an action, a verb, a way of living not simply a feeling. All he could do was continue to show her just how much he loved her, how vast and unending that well was, and he hoped she would grab hold of it in order to save herself._

_His GPS pinged softly from the confines of his suit, signalling that she was on the move. Silently, he left his hidden post and rejoined the darkness of the world she walked in. At first he couldn’t find a proper path to follow her as she seemingly randomly changed directions and destinations. When she finally settled into a rhythm, he fell into her orbit, always keeping her in sight._

_Just as she crossed 4th Ave and headed deeper into down town, he spotted a man following a block behind her. He kept pace and followed her path, never speeding up or slowing down. Oliver moved stealthily through across rooftops and made his way down to the street. As the man passed an alleyway, Oliver dropped down in front of him, crouched and ready._

_“Don’t,” was all he said._

_Most of the time, the men would turn tail and run but this time the brute in front of him opted to challenge him. He stood well over six feet and was built like a linebacker but, after hearing the satisfying crunch and snap of breaking bones and feeling the spray of blood hit his leather pants, Oliver left him in a quivering pile of odd angles, missing teeth and a few gaping wounds._

_Violence was never the answer but sometimes it was the balm that brought him moments of peace. Felicity had been right when she said there was a schism inside him but he was learning how to blend his halves so that the war within him remained quiet. On night’s like this one, as he kept safe the one person who could bring him back to himself, he allowed the war to escape the bounds of his flesh and spirit and imprint itself on Star City’s least worthy citizens._

_Moving silently through the deserted downtown core, he found her as she entered the Havenrock Memorial Park. Watching her stumble into the gentle embrace of the newly built space, froze him in his tracks. He watched her read the plaque by the fountain, search the inner courtyard for something unseen and then he tracked her movements as she escaped the light and fell to the earth._

_He maintained his distance and concealed himself on the opposite side of the park, where he could spot anyone approaching her. Through the leaves of the trees and fragrant flowers, he watched and waited as she held onto the ground beneath her. Felicity eventually curled up into a ball, like she was compressing herself into the tiniest shape possible, in an effort to disappear._

_Wrapped in a old hoodie of his, she stayed locked in an intimate embrace with her grief and guilt until dawn. Carefully, he trailed her until she arrived at the loft and went inside. Oliver, not able to follow her, ground his teeth in frustration before heading back to the lair. If he hurried, he could grab a few hours sleep before rejoining the day as Mayor._

_Hanging up his suit and bow, he couldn’t help but think about the cracks that were appearing in her façade. He had a sinking feeling that Felicity was nearing the end of her ability to keep up her brave face and knew he would have to make some kind of move or gesture for her to trust him enough to let him in._

_And he had an idea._


	5. A Small Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity falls asleep in the Lair and is awoken only to find that Oliver has witnessed one of her nightmares. While horrified, it is an allows them to slowly move towards each other even as she struggles with the weight of her grief.
> 
> It is a short but deeply sad look into the depth of her guilt and loneliness.
> 
>  
> 
> I promise, things are about to get easier to read and a little less sad.

_One small tender step_   
_Taken in fear_   
_Can lead to eternity._

I

 

The Lair was quiet when Felicity arrived the next night. Oliver was usually somewhere nearby, getting ready or training, but she couldn’t hear him. She did, however, smell something delicious. She followed the aroma to its source and found a covered dish on the table in the small kitchen. Beside it was a note with her name on it and a one word message that said simply: Eat.

Curious, she lifted the lid and saw a lemon and rosemary glazed chicken breast, grilled asparagus, pan fried potatoes and a small side dish of hollandaise sauce. Oliver had made her favourite non-Big Belly Burger food. It was simple meal but it was rich and delicious and homemade.

Her stomach growled in anticipation. Her hunger was almost a living thing at this point as she was regularly forgetting to eat, so without hesitation she dug in. The first bite was one she savoured. Oliver had turned himself into such an amazing cook and she did miss his culinary creations. Every meal he had made for them was infused with so much love and care. From the simplest of salads to to the most complex of dishes with exotic ingredients he would scour the city for.

She remembered the last meal they had shared before the end of their relationship. It had been an intimate one, with candles and flowers on the table, a little too much wine and souffles. She remembered the way he had looked at her, like she was the only woman in the world, and how nothing mattered except the two of them not just in that moment but forever.

Sadness creeped up her spine and all of her joints felt leadened. The unbearable weight of memories best left buried came to rest on her heart and it took all of her strength to just simply breathe. Her appetite abandoned her and she slowly put the lid back on the dish. Maybe later she would have some more, but right now the memories of intimate moments shared with the only man she might ever love were tearing her soul apart.

This is too much, she thought mournfully, I can’t continue like this.

Just as she was about to spiral into the depths of her memories, her computer signalled an incoming message from Oliver. Reality came crashing back and she hurried up to the comcentre. She was suddenly aware of how late the hour was and wondered where he was as his uniform and bow were both gone.

His message indicated that he was done for the night and she should take the night off which sent her into a panic. It was too early for her to be going home alone. She flipped on his tracker to tried to find where he was and discovered he had left it behind. That was unacceptable, she had been over this with him too many times to count. Without the team, he was vulnerable without her backing him every step of the way.

She grabbed her tablet and phone and stomped over to the couch she had brought in when the team was still together. She was angry with Oliver for putting himself at risk and decided to wait for him to go over their rules one last time.

Until he got in, she had notes to go over from her lawyer. Her relationship with the Board of Directors was getting better but she had been so tired lately that she hadn’t really been giving it her full attention. She figured why not read while she waited for him to come back.

“Goddamnit, Oliver,” she seethed to herself, “you know better than this! You can’t do this to me when everyone else is gone.”

Kicking off her shoes, Felicity curled up on the couch. It was usually chilly in the lair, so she had made sure to have lots of blankets available. Oliver had snagged a couple for his bunk but she had hid the best ones for her and Thea to use on the long nights that accompanied Genesis. She tucked herself in and prepared to wait for him to come back from patrol.

She would wait angry but not cold. Settling in, she started to review the notes her lawyer had sent her and felt a growing frustration at the Board’s inability to embrace change. She was only trying to develop a way to help people with spinal injuries. They should be excited about the opportunity to change the lives of people all over the world but they were only looking at how much money they could take home instead. It was infuriating to her that money was being prioritized over the health and wellbeing of people who were paralyzed.

Wearily, she took of her glasses and rested her eyes. Oliver was taking forever and all the food she had eaten was starting to make her sleepy. She ached to go back to the loft and curl up in front of the fire but she was just too tired and cozy under the woolen blanket to get up.

Her phone buzzed, signalling a message from Oliver, but she was already drifting off to sleep. Her tablet had slid from her hands and fallen between the cushions. She had muted its sound and vibration so she missed a separate incoming message from him. The night was slowly slipping away but part of her was holding onto hope that tonight would be gentle with her. That she would let sleep embrace her and her nightmares would stay far, far away.

_And she slowly became aware of the smell of freshly cut grass and the sound of birds singing high above her. Her eyes were drawn up to the sky, which was a cloudless, cerulean blue, and was momentarily frozen in wonder at the fragrant air. She could smell roses, lilacs and sweet magnolia trees. In the distance, she caught a glimpse of sunlight glancing off of water._

_Slowly, she became aware of the sound of cars and the city filtering down through the trees and sighed in relief that she was in Star City and not wandering aimlessly through the devastated ruins of Havenrock. Maybe this time all she would see would be the green grass, trees and flowers and just experience a fleeting few minutes of peace._

_Felicity wandered down a path that lead directly into a small park by the Star City river. It looked familiar but the layout was restful and reflective. Whoever had designed it had tapped into something positive and genuinely authentic. City parks tended to be boring and they all looked exactly the same but not this one. It was pristine and the longer she sat there, the more relaxed she felt._

_A group of kids came through and paused in front of her. They were excitedly pointing up at the sky and calling their parents over to them. Whatever was up there was invisible to her eyes but she followed where they were pointing and kept watch._

_A soft whistling seemed to be echoing off of the trees and bouncing off the water. It was getting closer and subtly louder. More and more people were pointing at the sky and gathering by the river bank. She wandered over to join them and watched what was in the sky come into view. It was a nuclear missile._

_“No...no, not here,” she stammered, “I got them all! I stopped the one that was targeting Star City! This can’t be happening…”_

_She wanted to run but couldn’t where would she go? The missile was big enough to wipe most of the city out and it looked like it was headed right for the centre of downtown. Her heart was beating out of control and she started panting and gasping for breath. All she knew was that she was going to die._

_“No, this isn’t real. It can’t be,” she protested, “I need...I need to find Oliver.”_

_She turned around and was confronted with hundreds of people who had crammed into the park behind her. She couldn’t find a way through and her panic was building. She was too small to physically move anyone but she kept pushing, hoping for a small window of opportunity to open so that she could slip through the press of bodies that surrounded her._

_“Felicity!”_

_She stopped in her tracks and tried to look through the throngs of people. It was Oliver’s voice she had just heard but she couldn’t find him. Her panic and desperation kept building but she was powerless to move forward towards him. The bomb was getting closer and everyone in the park was pressing in closer and closer._

_“Felicity!” came his voice again._

_He was getting closer but she still couldn’t see him. She glanced over her shoulder and saw that the bomb was now descending. It would strike soon and she needed to reach him before it was too late._

_Suddenly, the sky flashed a blinding white and the air itself was on fire. Felicity was facing away from the blast but felt the heat of it on her back. She looked into the crowd around her and saw only horror and death. The woman in front of her screamed as her eyes boiled in their sockets, leaving two gaping holes in their wake. She saw a man become completely engulfed in flames, setting the people around him alight as well. She watched a child burned to ashes and scattered on the wind created by the blast._

_All around her people were screaming as they burned to death but she still couldn’t find a clear way out of the mass of people. The smell was beginning to make her sick and all she wanted was to find Oliver, if he was still alive._

_“Felicity...” he said quietly from somewhere close, “I’m over here.”_   
_“Oliver, you need to run. You need to get somewhere safe,” she called to him, “I can’t save you.”_

_And with that, she started to softly cry. Tears spilled down her face as she slowly stopped struggling against the weight of the dead and dying. It was of no use, she had failed and everyone died. Nothing she could do could ever change it. She had failed yet again._

_“Felicity...come back,” he called out to her, “I’m right here.”_

_She felt something brush past her cheek and the world went dark._

 

II

 

Felicity opened her eyes and was confused at first by what she saw. Oliver was sitting opposite her with a look of deep concern on his face. There was a tension to how he was sitting, he looked poised to leap to his feet, coiled and lethal, but he was focused solely on her. A storm of emotions past over his face as he watched her, she saw lightning flash in his eyes and knew that he was ready to burst into action.

“How long have you been here?” she asked as a means to break the tension.  
“For about ten minutes,” he said in a tightly controlled voice.  
“Did I say anything?” she asked, wiping her her face free from dream tears with the blanket.  
“You were locked away, Felicity. You kept saying ‘No’ over and over, but I didn’t want to wake you up. It didn’t seem...safe.”  
“I’m sorry you saw that,” she said softly.  
“It’s ok, you’ve seen me deep in my nightmares,” he soothed.  
“That was different...we were different.”  
“I can help, if you’ll let me.”

Felicity felt a rising panic. She couldn’t open the doorway to her innermost feelings of guilt and shame with him yet. Not yet. The pain of that night clung to her like a wet garment. She couldn’t seem to untangle herself from it and it stuck to every part of her. She knew Oliver could see right through her protestations, that he had already glimpsed the heart of her grief but still, not yet.

“Not yet, Oliver...not yet.”  
“Ok. Until then, I’m going to make sure you eat,” he smiled gently.  
“That was delicious but you don’t have to-”  
“Felicity,” he said somewhat sharply as he cut her off, “This isn’t negotiable. I like to cook and you need to eat at least once a day. Ok?”  
“Since I have no choice…,” she said with a small smile playing across her lips, “Ok.”  
“Good. Then that is settled.”  
“Now we can talk about why the frak you thought it would be appropriate for you to go out there without me here?”  
“I was only out for an hour! I messaged you a half dozen times!” he protested feebly.  
“Anything can happen in an hour, Oliver!” she said loudly, “You can’t take those kinds of chances! Not until we figure out who is trying to copy you out in the Glades. It isn’t safe, Oliver, you...I mean...what would happen if you got hurt out there alone?”  
“I know but I only wanted to check on the Glades, at the docks. Everything is still quiet there so I came back here. I didn’t realize I left my tracker here and...well…,” he trailed off.  
“You need to be more careful,” she said softly, “but thank you for dinner.”

Oliver said nothing. The storm was back in his eyes and under his skin. Before she could stop him, he reached across the space between them and gently ran his thumb down her cheek. Wiping away tears that had began to fall unheeded and unfelt.

It was this gentle touch that had pulled her so effortlessly from her nightmare. The intensely intimate sweep of his thumb across her skin had pulled her back to herself. Sitting up, Felicity paused to stare at him for just a moment as the realization of what had transpired as she slept hit her and it took her breath and composure away. Gathering her phone and tablet together, she rose unsteadily to her feet, eluded Oliver’s outstretched hands and fled the Lair.

 

III

In a blind panic, Felicity raced home to the loft, to her bedroom where no one was watching and she could unravel in private. The immense guilt she was carrying was determined to burst out of her skin and she couldn’t do that infront of Oliver. _Not yet_.

 _Not yet_ , she whispered in the quiet of her car.  
_Not yet_ , she whispered in the quiet of the elevator up to her loft.  
_Not yet_ , she whispered as she climbed the stairs to her room.

Clothes stripped off and discarded, shoes kicked into her closet and glasses removed, Felicity crawled into bed and allowed the weight of her grief to settle on her. She had no intention of fighting it tonight but instead embraced it in the hopes she could let it go by morning.

 _The only way out is through_ , she thought as she succumbed to the relentless pull of sleep.

_A slow moving, but insistent wind pulled her awake. It was like it was trying to speak to her as she could hear a low, guttural moan flowing underneath the air current. Confused, she blinked and tried to focus on where she was in her dream._

_Carefully, she looked around her and saw she was back in Havenrock. Only this time she awoke closer to the location of where the bomb detonated. She could tell because the landscape had changed. The violence of the event was more intense as in some places she could see the impact it had on bodies based on the residual shadows of charred ash left behind on the ground, on magically remaining brick walls of buildings blown up into dust, of lonely limbs wrapped around the remains of poles or lying as though posed in the drifts of dirt and debris._

_Felicity felt numb as she walked carefully through the former heart of the town. She tried to envision it as it once was with the plaza, modeled after Old Town in Albuquerque, with its gazebo and shops full of art, jewelry and unique artisan goods. It had been such a beautiful community full of creative people and a sense of joy that never seemed to fade._

_Now, as she paused to look around at the devastation that surrounded her, all she saw was a quiet wasteland teeming with invisible death but in the distance she saw the broken remains of the gazebo. It was the lone structure that had survived this close to ground zero. It shone like a beacon in the hazy, uniform grey of the world she walked so freely through._

_She made her way towards it. It was miraculous that it had survived given it was a wooden structure and close to 80 years old. The closer she got the more damage she could see on its vulnerable, wooden body. The paint had been blasted away completely, leaving it a deep, charred brown. The roof was mostly gone, leaving behind only its connecting bones, and the stairs had been half ripped off._

_It looked unsteady and dangerous but she climbed up the steps and sat down at the top. She was weary and feeling isolated and hopelessly alone but this was a journey she needed to make regardless of how exhausted she was from the emotional toll._

_“...Felicity…”_

_Sitting up, she listened closely to the wind as it blew steadily past her. She heard her name being called but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. She could see no other structure or see anything resembling a human form. In front of her was a blasted wasteland made barren by nuclear fire._

_“...Felicity…”_

_She heard her name again and this time, as it grew slightly louder, she was able to pinpoint its location in front of her. If she was correct, it was over the ridge in front of her. She thought about climbing over it but instead decided to find a pathway around it. She was certain it masking the rubble of the downtown and didn’t want to disturb what looked and felt like a mausoleum._

_She felt the pull of the voice in her chest. It was like it had wormed its way into her body and taken root. With each call, it dug deeper into her and pulled her towards it. She was beginning to feel anxious and fearful, like she was never going to reach the source in time and all hope would vanish for her. That she would never escape this endless journey through hell._

_Under her feet, the earth began to vibrate. The gazebo crumbles into dust behind her, leaving no trace that it had once been standing. The ridge let go ever so slightly and through the cracks in its body revealed its secrets. In the deepening grey light, Felicity saw what was under the skin of dust and ash and she dropped to her knees._

_The bones of the city, the buildings and homes, parted and out from their crumbled embrace fell the life and heart of Havenrock. Body after charred, blown apart body tumbled down to the ground. One after another, bodies of varying size and shape, their faces blasted smooth, slid free and raced to join her._

_Felicity felt the pressure of a scream rising in her body and suddenly the world went black._

She awoke with a start and immediately ran to the washroom to throw up. All of Oliver’s lovingly prepared food left her body and she sunk to the floor, seeking the invitingly cool floor and waited for her nausea to pass.

She had a fleeting thought about maybe seeking professional help but that would mean admitting to being part of the annihilation of a small city and all of its inhabitants. That was something she just couldn’t do. The enormity of her decision was one she had to heal from on her own. It felt like she was hoarding the pain all for herself, greedily holding it close to her soul, praying that the light she had inside of her was strong enough to heal it.

Weakly, she got to her feet and stumbled towards the sink. Even brushing her teeth was difficult and draining. Felicity looked in the mirror and saw a woman haunted. She splashed her face with cold water and walked out into her bedroom and got dressed. It was still early for her and being in the loft was not going to be easy for the next little bit.

Tying up her shoes and putting on Oliver’s hoodie, she grabbed her keys and phone and headed out into the night to complete her ritual of walking the streets of Star City. The night was cool, the sky was clear and the moon was hanging low and full in the midnight sky. It was a perfect night for a walk and she felt the unexpected pull of the memorial park. She had meant to ask Oliver who designed it. It felt like a gentle embrace when she had walked into it the other night. She felt comforted and cradled as she huddled in a ball on the ground.

If for only a few minutes peace, she would make the trek to the park and just rest. So she walked through the city, passing an outdoor jazz festival without even noticing it, passing a series of outdoor concert stages and crowds. She silently walked passed a city so vibrantly alive it was singing all the while searching for a way back to herself.


	6. Interlude: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Oliver's POV to accompany the preceding chapter. I dip my toe a little bit into the darkness Oliver is trying to balance with the light. I listened to Wait For It from the Hamilton soundtrack on repeat with this one.
> 
> There is a growing urgency to this Interlude, an impatience on Oliver's part that I think is a natural progression for him as he watches Felicity fall apart. He continues to create his own framework of understanding,based on his own past, and grounds it in those experiences and in his deep love for her.

_She blinked in and out of focus_   
_A glimmer on the horizon_   
_A shard of life._

_I_

_Oliver had returned to the Lair earlier than he had intended to. He could see that Felicity was there but she wasn’t answering any of his texts, emails or IMs which wasn’t like her at all. The running joke in the Lair for years had been she was never five feet from her phone and he sometimes teased her that he thought it was surgically attached to her hands._

_He shouldn’t have left before she was in the bunker, he knew it and yet he still did it. He felt like he shouldn’t be in the same space as her when she saw the food he left her, it felt intrusive even though it was a gift. He sent her a message saying he was coming in for the night all the while hoping she wasn’t boiling mad at him. Oliver did hope his offering of her favourite meal would at least keep her calm enough for them to have a conversation where he only had to beg for forgiveness for a few minutes and not a whole day._

_“Felicity!” he called out as he came in from the garage._

_Oliver received no answer to his call as he listened to his voice echo through the cavernous space. He could smell the roast chicken that he left for her and out of curiousity checked to see if any of it had been eaten. He lifted the lid and was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see she had eaten half of it._

_“Felicity!” he called out again, listening closely to see if he could draw her out. It was then that he heard a soft sigh coming from the corner by the big meeting table. He sometimes forgot that Felicity had brought in a couch and easy chairs for the team to relax on during the long, tough nights leading up the defeat of Darhk._

_Wandering over, he was just about to call out again when he heard her say, “No, no, this can’t...not here.”_

_He froze in his tracks. In the dim light it was hard to see if she was awake or asleep._

_“Felicity?” he called softly._

_No response came back to him. Her head was down and she was wrapped, almost lost, in the woolen blanket that so closely resembled the one he had bought for the loft in what seemed like a lifetime ago. Her brow was furrowed and her breathing was shallow. She was deeply asleep and locked in what he instinctively knew was a nightmare._

_“...no...no, this isn’t…,” she mumbled softly, “I stopped them…”_

_“Felicity,” he said softly as he sat down opposite her, “It’s ok. I’m here.”_

_He wasn’t sure if she could hear him, but he knew from experience that the best way to ease her out from her darkness was to call for her. She once told him she would follow him anywhere including, she sheepishly admitted one night, it was often his voice that she followed in her darkest moments._

_“I can’t...I can’t save you,” she whispered mournfully._   
_“Felicity...come back to me. I’m right here,” he whispered, his voice breaking as he witnessed the trauma of the nightmare play out across her face._

_Tears were silently pouring down her cheeks. She hardly made a sound and it broke his heart, the same heart she had help heal. Without thinking, he had reached out and gently wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumb._

_He was finding it harder and harder to not push into her space and help her step out from the shadow of what Darhk forced her to do. She needed to hear from someone that what she did was the very definition of brave, that she was his superhero now and always. He could feel the need to do this, to say something, boiling under his skin like an electrical storm._

_It didn’t matter what she said or how evasive she was, he wasn’t going to let her slip away. She hadn’t given up on him, even at his lowest, most decisively alone, she had been there. For the moment, until he could figure out a way to put his plan in action, he would make sure she stayed healthy and that she was safe on her nightly walks._

_As she impatiently explained that he was being reckless for going out without her on comms, something he knew but deliberately ignored despite his better judgement, he watched the tears begin to fall again. She stared at him, with her blue eyes so luminous in the low light that he found himself instinctively reaching for her. With a gentle sweep of his thumb, he brushed the tears from her cheek._

_The electric storm continued to rage under his skin, burning through his body, rumbling with thunder and endless energy. The feel of her skin re-ignited his boundless desire for her and the intensity of it knocked him off his axis, sending him reeling and knocked his breath away. He reached for her but she slipped through his grasp and was gone before he could breathe again._

_With a sadness that kept growing deeper, he watched her go. He had to or he risked losing her forever. He knew what she would do: she would go home, attempt to sleep and then be out walking downtown from midnight to dawn._

_He was as exhausted as she was from her nocturnal wanderings but nothing would ever stop him from shadowing her in order to keep her safe. So he prepared for it by putting the leftovers away and beginning his nightly ritual of cleaning and checking his bow and removed his suit, looking for any damage that needed repairing. It calmed his mind, centred him and allowed him to reclaim a small measure of peace while he sat helplessly by and waited for her to let him in._

_Checking his phone, he saw he had at least 3 hours to kill before she made her nightly journey so he grabbed his GPS and phone and headed to the couch for a nap. If she didn’t go out, he would sleep the whole night and be ready for whenever she did. There was a jazz festival happening throughout downtown and while he was supposed to make an appearance at it, if he could sleep instead, he would._

_Looking around the lair, he was struck by the calm that had come to this space which had been torn apart by evil and violence such a short time ago. They had replaced all of the broken equipment, had Cisco work with Curtis to upgrade their security system now that it was just the two of them, and all the cases now stood empty except for the one he used to store his suit._

_To anyone else, the space would appear lonely but for him, as he walked up to Felicity’s work station and turned her monitors off, it was full of memories and reminders of a shared purpose and life. They were connected regardless of whether or not they were in a relationship. This space was their home, their bridge to each other even in the darkest of times._

_Sitting down on the couch where Felicity had been sleeping, Oliver pulled the blanket around him. He could still smell her perfume lingering around the edges like it was part of the weave. He allowed himself to relax, let go of the maelstrom in his soul and drifted off to sleep._

_II_

_He had been dreaming of their last night together in Positano, when the thunderstorm had rolled through and the power had gone out for the entire village. His skin was flushed and hot and his body ached in that delicious way it did after an evening in bed with Felicity, but his arms were empty when he opened his eyes and the lair was cool and dark._

_Off to his left, he could hear a soft beeping and groggily reached for his phone. He snapped awake when he realized it was coming from his tracker. Just a quick glance at it told him she had been out walking for at least two hours. He decided to forgo getting into his suit and instead grabbed his jacket and ran out through the garage door and into the night._

_He had a feeling as to her destination and set out to fall into step behind her. He could easily beat her to the park but he had one of those flashes of intuition, a flip in his stomach, that said he needed to get into step behind her. Luckily, she wasn’t walking all that fast and heading in a straight direction. He could catch up to her in no time, even on foot, and he felt the pull to find her growing stronger._

_Oliver could run for hours without getting winded and tonight that ability was coming in handy. He was able to melt into the shadows of Star City without her knowing as the Green Arrow, but as Oliver Queen he felt out of his element. He was wearing clothes in what Felicity referred to as ‘The Urban Oliver Drab Shadow’ palette but he still felt like he was wearing dayglo colours._

_He spotted her half a block ahead of him, her ponytail swayed side to side as she walked, and slowed up his walking pace. Even from this distance, he could see she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. She walked with her head down, her eyes focused only on the sidewalk in front of her. She failed to see the crowds of people or hear the jazz music that poured out of clubs and bars all through the downtown core._

_She knew better. He had taught her better than this since day one of their partnership. He was angry at himself for not training her further. She had saved his life in more ways than he could count, but he failed her in the most basic way. He hadn’t given her the tools to protect herself when she would need them the most._

_From his place in the shadows, he watched a man tail her for half a block. He moved from shadow to shadow but Oliver spotted him immediately. He zeroed in on him and, as Felicity crossed between two darkened buildings, he stepped in front of the man and stopped him. His body was tense and he was acutely aware of everything around him._

_“You need to turn around and forget about whatever it is you are thinking of doing,” Oliver growled._   
_“Or what? You are going to stop me?” the man snarled._

_Oliver looked at him. He was big, strong and when he looked into his eyes, he saw the man was soulless. On instinct, he almost reached behind him for an arrow but caught himself in time. This was going to be tricky. He wasn’t in his suit and he had none of his weapons. This time, he would have to settle this with just his fists._

_“Yes,” he answered, “I am.”_

_Before he could blink, the man attacked. It wasn’t clumsy, it was a fierce, bullet-like attack. This man had fought before and fought well but Oliver easily sidestepped him and delivered a bone crushing punch to his face. Without his gloves on, Oliver felt the man’s cheekbone shatter and part of him felt satisfied and glad that he was inflicting pain on someone who had intended to harm Felicity._

_The man fell to the ground, cradling his face in obvious agony, but he spun around and made to charge again. Oliver was ready for him. He could break the other cheekbone, his nose or jaw. He was ready to simply annihilate the man bone by bone if need be and not even break a sweat._

_“I will break you apart, piece by piece,” Oliver said darkly, “If necessary, I will kill you. So walk. Away.”_

_The man looked into Oliver’s eyes and saw that he wasn’t kidding. Stumbling away from him, he ran back the way he had come leaving splashes of blood on the pavement as he did. Oliver felt the divide, the schism, within him clearer than ever. He couldn’t live his life in black and white, he needed to blend the sides of himself or learn to be content constantly having to navigate between the two men that he had become. It was the gray space, that blended space between the man and the superhero, that he needed to find his way into so that he could find just a small measure of comfort with himself._

_Oliver slipped back into the shadows and checked Felicity’s location. She was exactly where he thought she was going to be, so he picked up his pace and headed to the Havenrock Memorial park. Tonight needed to be different. He had something planned for later in the week to shake things up but this non-vigilance of hers needed to stop._

_He circled the park once to locate her. He didn’t want to scare her when he approached her where she was currently sitting. He spotted her under one of the park lights, next to the reflecting pool and the roses. Her legs were tucked up and her arms were wrapped around them. She looked so small on the stone bench, small and alone and it shattered him._

_She couldn’t continue like this. The mounting toll this was taking on her had begun to show beyond the dark circles under her eyes, the listlessness of her speech and the gray pallor her skin had taken on, she was slowly coming apart at the seams. He’d watched the fissures appear in the armor she wore, leaking sadness and despair into the air around her._

_Oliver had no real frame of reference for the magnitude of what she was carrying. He had killed by choice, by necessity and by accident but he had never faced this kind of choice. All he could do was ground it in the toll it had taken on him, how every death at his hands had added up over time until the deaths blurred into the mountain of pain he had brought back with him from Lian Yu._

_The only thing that had reached him, that had punched through the walls he had surrounded himself with, was the forgiveness and love she had brought into his life. There was a reason he was alive now, after all that he had faced and the many deaths he had evaded, when so many of the people he loved had died and it was all because of her ability to see past the mask and locate the man hidden behind it._

_She had reached him when no one else could. She had refused to abandon him to his own self-destructive habits and she had shone a light into his soul and heart until he could find his own. Taking a deep breath, he crossed through the gates of the park and entered her orbit, determined to pull her into his._

_“Felicity,” he called gently from just inside the circle of light she had taken up residence in._

_Her head jerked up at the sound of his voice and he watched a storm of emotions rage across her face, a maelstrom that simmered under her skin and ignited her eyes. For just a moment, he saw the Felicity who had stared him down that night so long ago in the old bunker after locking him in, he saw the Felicity who stood up to Ra’s Al Ghul and flew in a suit to save his life despite her fear of heights. He saw the woman who had fallen in love him as he fell in love with her._

_For just one small moment, he saw her complete and whole, the woman who would survive this no matter what. And then she blinked and that vision of what was and could be was gone. Oliver was more determined than ever to push forward. He would wait for another moment like that to come and when it did, he would reach in and pull her through it with love and forgiveness._

_“So I guess we need to talk,” he said softly and waited for her._


	7. The Flood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and Felicity begin a conversation in the Memorial Park that leads to a small breakthrough for Felicity.
> 
> She pushes back against him but he is a pillar of stone and refuses to give in.  
> This is a gentle chapter (not as sad anyways) that starts to get to the heart of her grief and what she needs to do to move on.

_A sacred river_   
_Flows unabated_   
_Through her soul._

_I_

“Felicity?” called a familiar voice from the edge of the circle of light she had chosen to sit in.

Her head jerked up and instantly her eyes locked onto Oliver’s. Felicity felt her panic begin to rise and she gripped the edge of the stone bench she sat on as her mind kicked into high gear at the sight of him. How did he find her? Where did he come from? Would he leave her alone if he asked her to? Would he stay regardless? Did she want him to stay?

“So I guess we need to talk,” he said softly.

Felicity waited for him to join her but he remained standing half submerged in shadow. It took her a moment to see that he was waiting for her to decide what happened next. Part of her wanted to run as far away from him as possible but she knew he would always be somewhere nearby. Part of her was angry at him for following her and intruding on the one place of peace she had found in this huge, dark city but at the same time she was relieved that he was here.

Silently, she moved over on the bench and nodded at him, an invitation for him to join her. She watched his shoulders visibly relax as he carefully approached her and sat down. Felicity had to hide a smile. It was almost like he was scared to startle her, like she would bolt and run and he would never be able to catch her. She felt a surge of warmth in her chest and for just a moment, it pushed out the emptiness that had plagued her for months.

“How long have you known?” she asked.  
“For a while now.”  
“How...how did you find out?”  
“I was out one night and saw you walking. It was late so...so I didn’t want to startle you by just...appearing.”

Felicity sat quietly and studied him. He wasn’t telling her something and she suspected it was that he had been out as Green Arrow not Oliver Queen and was reluctant tell her the truth. She wasn’t angry, she hadn’t exactly being all that honest with him lately, but it saddened her that they were now hiding important activities from one another.

“Have you followed me a lot?”  
“Every night since I found out.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes. Felicity, you weren’t paying attention to what was going on around you. I wanted you to be safe while you walked.”  
“Was I ever in any real danger?”

Oliver looked at her with sad eyes and she knew she had unwittingly put herself in harm’s way. Felicity looked around the park and really saw the environment for what it was: a dark park on the edge of downtown near the river. There were no homes, no condos, no businesses or restaurants near where she had been coming to sit for the last week.

“How many times?” she asked with a shaking voice, “How many times, Oliver?”  
“A few.”  
“What did you do?”  
“What I normally do.”  
“Thank you.”  
“You never have to thank me, Felicity,” he said earnestly, “I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”  
“Still, I should have known better but this park...I love it. Whoever designed it did a wonderful job.”  
“What do you like the most about it?’ he asked, genuinely curious.  
“The first time I was here, I felt protected and safe,” she said thoughtfully, “The way it is laid out and it is so restful and peaceful. I love it.”  
“Thank you,” he said sincerely. He tried to hide a smile but Felicity saw it in the dim light and realization dawned on her.  
“Wait...did you do this?” she asked incredulously.  
“Yeah,” he said sheepishly.  
“Oliver...you missed your calling. You should have been a landscape architect. You would have become legendary.”  
“You think so?”  
“Absolutely! This park is incredible.”

They sat for a few minutes in companionable silence but Felicity could feel the tension in Oliver’s body begin to grow. Even after all this time apart, she was still clued into his body language and knew that the conversation was about to get into territory she wasn’t ready to enter with him.

“Felicity…,” he started slowly, “talk to me.”  
“I can’t, Oliver,” she said with a slow shake of her head.  
“Try,” he said insistently.

She looked at him then and felt a flash of anger. She had told him very clearly that she wasn’t ready to talk about what she was feeling and going through. He had been respectful of her boundaries and had given her a wide berth to allow her the dignity of sorting it through alone. Now, he was pushing against her walls, trying to find a crack to find her and that was not something she was going to tolerate.

“Oliver, I have been very clear about what I want to and don’t want to talk about,” she said through clenched teeth.  
“I know and I have tried to respect those boundaries but Felicity...I can help,” he asserted.  
“Oh really? How?” she seethed.  
“You know exactly how,” he said with his own flash of irritation.  
“Oliver, you have never been faced with something like Havenrock.”  
“No, but I have had to make decisions that have lead to the deaths of civilians. Every year for the past 4 years. You know that.”  
“Oliver…,” she said, her voice breaking, “Forty thousand people died because of me.”  
“No!” he said vehemently, “No, Felicity! That was Darhk. It was all Darhk. Because of you billions survived. Billions, Felicity. You...you saved the world.”  
“But forty thousand lives should never have been the trade off for that, Oliver,” she whispered as tears began to fall.

It was like a dam was breaking inside her and the harder she tried to shore it up, the fiercer the destructive power inside her grew. Part of her was holding onto his words, that she wasn’t the monster she thought she was, that she indeed was responsible for saving the world but the roots of her guilt were insidious and had wrapped themselves around her consciousness.

“Felicity, you need to let someone in,” he begged.  
“Soon,” she managed to say before hanging her head and letting the tears fall.

Oliver, unable to keep himself stiffly distanced from her, reached out and gently wiped her tears away with his thumb. She grabbed onto his hand and held on with all her might. She knew she wasn’t hurting him, but her deeply felt desperation translated through her grip and the way he waited for her to decide what she wanted next pushed her to her breaking point.

“I don’t know what will happen if I start talking about this, Oliver,” she whispered, “I feel like I am ready to explode or fall apart.”  
“All you need to do is start talking. I’m right here whenever you need me.”  
“I need to sleep first, Oliver,” she said with a strained smile in an attempt to derail the conversation.  
“Yes, you do,” he agreed gently, “How about tonight I walk you home?”  
“You’ll just follow me if I don’t agree, won’t you?”  
“Yup.”  
“Ok. Walk me home.”  
“And don’t think I don’t know what you just did in derailing the conversation like that.”  
“You are too clever for your own good, Mr. Queen.”

Slipping her arm through his, Felicity felt him stiffen up just a little bit in surprise. She was surprised at herself as well. She had been so deliberate with the emotional and physical distance she had been keeping between them that this one simple act shook the world beneath her feet.

“I have a question,” she asked, “how have you been able to follow me? When I leave the Lair, I go home usually and...and start my walks from there.”

Oliver was silent for a few minutes as they navigated a crowd of revelers leaving a club. The jazz festival, meant to bring tourists and life back to a decimated city, was working just as the City Council and he had hoped and Felicity was secretly proud of all that he had accomplished in such a short period of time. She glanced down at his hands, hands that she missed more than she cared to admit, and saw his raw, red knuckles.

“Oliver…,” she said softly, “Your knuckles…”  
“They’re ok,” he said, trying to reassure her, “I wasn’t wearing my gloves like I usually do. Trust me. He went running in the other direction.”  
“I...I don’t know what to say.”  
“You don’t have to say anything.”  
“I’m sorry,” she said, “and don’t tell me I don’t need to say it. Please. Just let me say it.”

Oliver studied her for just a quick moment before agreeing. “Ok. You get one apology to me and this is it.”

Felicity laughed quietly and fell into step with him as they walked the length of the city. She was tired and really just wanted to get home and try to get some sleep. But first, she needed an answer to how he was able to find her at night in the city after they separated for the night.

“Ok, Oliver,” she said firmly, “You haven’t answered how you were able to find me all those nights.”  
“Well…,” he trailed off nervously.  
“Oliver…”  
“Promise you won’t get really mad?”  
“I’ll try. Now spill.”  
“I put a tracker in your phone. I got it from Cisco. He said you won’t be able to find it because it was something he called stealth tech and meant to evade detection,” he said all in one breath.

Felicity said nothing as they walked past City Hall. She was both shocked and relieved but the tracker was coming out as soon as she got home. Cisco, she would deal with when she went to deal with Barry. She valued her privacy but now knowing that she wasn’t safe when she walked at night, she would find another way to deal with the anxiety that drove her to physical action.

“Felicity?” he prompted, “On a scale of one to ten, how angry are you?”  
“I solid two and a half,” she teased gently, “I understand why you did it, and I am impressed with the tech and stealth, but I will be destroying it when I get home.”  
“I know,” Oliver laughed in obvious relief, “but you can’t go out alone at night anymore, Felicity. This city isn’t safe enough for that.”  
“I know, OIiver, I’ll figure something out.”  
“What drives you out onto the street?” he asked gently.  
“I think you know,” she answered evasively.

She could sense his frustration but it couldn’t be avoided. Not yet anyways. Looking up, she saw her condo building coming into view and felt the rising pressure of fear and anxiety in her chest. She didn’t want to be alone in that cavernous space. The echoes and hard edges of the loft pushed and prodded her, making her feel unwelcome in her own home.

“Do...would you want to come up for some tea?” she asked as casually as she could.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes. You have earned it,” she smiled.

Without saying a word, Oliver waited while she dug out her keys and opened the door to the building they both once called home, then followed her in.

 

II

 

The elevator ride up was awkward and silent. Oliver kept fidgeting and putting his hands in his pockets and taking them out and running them through his hair. When he did it for a third time, Felicity instinctively grabbed his closest hand and held it. Instantly, she felt a calmness come over him and felt the world settle around her.

Looking down at her feet, she hid the tears that threatened to fall. She was tired of crying, tired of the exhaustion and tired of the soul crushing loneliness that surrounded her nightly. Yet, even as she stood next to him holding his hand, there was still a divide between them that had yet to close leaving her feeling lonelier than ever.

“I haven’t changed much,” she said as she opened the door, “I moved the couch closer to the fireplace is all.”  
“It’s your home, Felicity,” he said with sad smile, “You can do what you want to here.”  
“I know, it’s just...well, you know.”  
“Yeah, I do.”

Felicity went to the kitchen and put the kettle on while Oliver went out onto the narrow balcony. She watched him as she waited and was almost glad with how nervous he was being alone here with her. When the kettle whistled, she quickly made herself look busy when he came back in.

“Do you want the fire on?” he called out from the living room.  
“Yes, please!” she said as she carried their mugs of tea over.  
“Midnight tea is not how I thought my night would end.”  
“Speaking of which…,” she said as she dug out her phone, “Where is it?”

Oliver reached over and took it from her. Deftly, he popped the nano memory card out and peeled a thin layer of what looked like plastic off of it. He then made a show of shredding it and rolling it into a tiny plastic ball and throwing it in the fire where it made a satisfying pop as it burned.

“Is that the only one?” she asked.  
“Yeah. It was a proto-type.”  
“I’ll let Cisco know it worked when I speak with him next.”  
“He’s going to kill me.”

Felicity laughed at that. Cisco might get angry but he would never say anything to Oliver. He was a smart kid and crossing the Green Arrow would never be on his To-Do List. The longer they sat in front of the fire, the sleepier she grew. She wanted to drink her tea but it was so far away on the table in front of her and she was lacking in the energy to reach for it.

“Felicity,” he said softly, “why do you wear my hoodie?”  
“It’s warm and roomy. Do you want it back?”  
“Nope.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah,” he laughed, “it looks better on you anyways.”  
“I walk because my nightmares chase me out of the loft,” she blurted out.

Oliver was silent for a few moments and studied her. She started to fidget under his unwavering gaze. She knew he was taking in the dark circles under her eyes, the way her skin seemed stretched tight over the bones in her face. She looked delicate, haunted and damaged and it made her angry that he had been able to see it so clearly for so long.

“What do you dream about?”  
“Havenrock,” she said quietly.

Tears slid down her cheeks as she sat staring at the fire. Every night since the bomb dropped, she had dreamed about Havenrock and the people who called it home. She had seen the videos captured by the drones ARGUS had sent in to check if their were any survivors. She had witnessed the absolute destruction that the nuclear missile had delivered and she felt the weight of responsibility for it grow every day.

“Felicity,” he said quietly as he tentatively reached for her hand, “You saved millions of lives that day. I know you can’t see that yet, but you did.”  
“Oliver, I…,” she said softly as she reached back, “I don’t think I can say more than that…”  
“It was a good start,” he smiled.

Felicity smiled back but then she cracked. She struggled to maintain her composure but her shoulders started to shake and the anxiety and panic that usually pushed her out into the streets erupted out of her.

“I killed them all,” she cried as Oliver pulled her into a crushing embrace. She fought against him, against his refusal to let go, against everything he was and could be for her. His strength was what he was sharing but she was determined to not draw from it until she could manage the grief that was flooding her body and soul on her own.

Time seemed to stand still. She was aware of the pressure of his arms around her, of his gentle stroking of her hair, of his voice in her ear. She couldn’t hear what he was saying over the roar of pain in her ears, but she knew they were words of comfort, understanding and love. Her heart, so battered and bruised, felt their gentleness but she wasn’t ready to accept them yet.

 _Not yet_ , she thought as she clung to him.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she let some of the agony of the past few weeks flow out of her.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as felt the darkness of sleep starting to descend.

Finally feeling safe in Oliver’s embrace, Felicity fell deeply and soundly asleep.

 

III

_She became aware of a wind blowing hot and fast past her. As her eyes adjusted to the grey light, she saw that she was standing on the top of the outermost ridge of the epicentre of the bomb blast. She was looking out over a vast crater of barren, radioactive earth._

_Nothing would grow here for generations, she thought as she watched the wind pick up radioactive dust into mini-twisters that hugged the earth and raced up the sides of the craters. Parts of the ground seemed to be glowing, pulsing in a raw, boiling orange that spread out veins of poison throughout the area._

_Felicity could hear a low moaning emanating from the edges of the crater. She knew that underneath the crust of the ridge were the remains of a city that now haunted her. Every so often the ground would shift and crack and release a howling that ripped at her soul._

_The skyline was slowly clearing as the clouds above grew denser and heavier with fallout. The rain would come and it would spread to all the surrounding areas. It would get into the groundwater, it would leach into the ocean, it would get into their food supply. It would cause cancer rates to rise and more people would die._

_More death would follow her and there was nothing she could do about it. She sat down on the hot earth and watched the dust push itself up into the air. It was like it was alive and searching for new landscapes to infect. When the fallout returned to earth, in the form of rain or snow, a crust would form and keep it from floating in the air. For now, she watched it in its deadly dance as it pushed for freedom._

_She decided it was time to walk to the centre so she could find and touch the point of impact. It felt like she was making a pilgrimage to her mecca. As she stood up the ground shifted and she felt a rush of air then the setting changed and she was back in the memorial park in Star City._

_She felt overwhelmingly at peace, like Havenrock didn’t even happen and she was simply enjoying the solitude and restorative power of the landscape and environment. Oliver had done a magnificent job of creating a sacred space to remember the lives of all those lost in the blast._

_A gentle wind blew through the park bringing with it the scent of roses and lilies. The flower beds of pansies and late blooming irises swayed in the breeze. The sun filtered down through the trees to softly paint the entire area in soft shades of muted colours that were full of life and light. For the first time since that horrible night, her heart felt free of the painful wounds that had been inflicted on it._

_She felt torn in half by everything the last six months had dropped on her. Oliver’s betrayal, her mother’s lie, all the death and violence, her gunshot wounds that still ached on days she was exhausted, the chip in her back and forty thousand souls all weighing on her heart. There was no escape from it, not even in her dreams._

_So she wept._

_She felt strength in her tears, a soft sacredness that spoke of overwhelming grief and the true depths of her ability to love. It all felt so unspeakable but she knew one day soon, the words would tumble out and she would have no choice but let that river of pain flow out._

_The breeze picked up and brought with it the stench of death and decay from the river. Felicity walked down the path that lead to the river bank and looked on in horror. Body after body floated down the river. Animal carcasses and bloated remains eddied and bobbed in the current, some would burst open, releasing the stench of decomposition and rot into the air._

_Felicity sank to the ground and closed her eyes in silent prayer and supplication as the citizens of Havenrock floated out to their burial ground out at sea._

In the dark of her bedroom, Felicity opened her eyes and took a ragged, deep breath. She felt the impulse to get up but it wasn’t fueled by anxiety and grief. It felt born of habit and something that bordered on addiction or need. So instead, she pulled the duvet tighter around her and tried to relax into her bed.

It was then that she noticed Oliver asleep on the small chaise lounge across from the bed. He must have carried her up and put her to bed and then taken up watch to keep her safe like he did when she was out walking through Star City’s downtown. She couldn’t be certain but she was sure he was with her in her dream. It was like his proximity to her was enough to anchor her in time and space.

Quietly, she got up and covered him with the blanket she kept at the foot of the bed. He had only taken off her shoes, so she took off the hoodie, bra and yoga pants. She was still wearing a tank top and underwear, what she usually slept in now that she was alone, and crawled back into bed. She felt comforted with Oliver’s presence and was able to slip back to sleep before the sun crested the distant horizon and while the sky was still dark.


	8. Interlude Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Oliver's POV (it compliments Felicity's from last chapter) but adds to the layers of Oliver's approach and understanding of what she is going through.
> 
> It also digs into some of his damage. That he has his own struggles and how he is coping with the trauma of the past few months.
> 
> There are sparks here.

_With each step towards her_   
_His skin crackled with energy_   
_And her touch set his heart on fire._

_I_

_The conversation in the park had gone better than he had expected. He thought she would get angry, push him away and leave him standing alone in the garden he designed. Instead, she had welcomed him into her orbit. It was just a small step but it was a step closer than he had been in weeks._

_She hadn’t let him all the way in but she at least accepted his presence. He knew she wouldn’t be happy with how he was able to track her but he had no choice because she was repeatedly putting herself in danger. He had fudged the numbers of how many men he had beaten bloody, or left in heaps of wailing, twisted flesh on the curbs and in alleys. He stopped counting after he broke the arms of three men in one night._

_He had no intention of ever letting her know that without him, she would be dead because part of him suspected that she was searching not for relief from the guilt and grief she was carrying, but for her own end as penance. He remembered how he had repeatedly allowed himself to get into situations that could have resulted with him in a body bag and that it never phased him. Not until she had made herself a permanent fixture in his life and heart._

_Oliver was genuinely surprised that she invited him up to the loft. He hadn’t been back since the night Damien Darhk had attacked Felicity, her mom, her dad and Curtis. The night when everything changed and the world had almost come to an end. The shattered glass, the broken furniture...the entire space had been turned upside. He had wanted to help clean it all up but she had refused, saying she had hired a company to take care of it so she could concentrate on rebuilding the Lair._

_He had assumed that she had not wanted him in the space, that his presence would be just as misleading, hurtful and painful for him as it would be for her. As it was, it had taken him a week to not head instinctively for the building at the end of the night. He was still not used to the bunker but he now headed to it when exhaustion would overcome him. He knew he would need to find an apartment now that he was interim mayor but for now, it was home._

_He had fidgeted and shuffled in the elevator until Felicity had taken his hand as a show of reassurance. It instantly calmed him, centred him and settled the earth around him until he was able to breathe calmly. He felt her thumb gently stroke his palm and it sent a raging storm of thundering emotion through his body. He felt the rotation of the earth and then everything settled into a gentle calm. His whole being was crying out to her but he remained steadfastly silent. The time would come for that but not yet._

_Not yet, he thought to himself as he watched her hide her tears._   
_Not yet, he thought as she searched for her keys in the pockets of his voluminous hoodie._   
_Not yet, he thought as he hesitantly crossed the threshold of his former home._

_The loft seemed empty, sterile and silent. She hadn’t done much except move the couch closer to the fireplace, something she almost shyly apologized for when he noticed. By the looks of it she was sleeping on the couch instead of up in her bed. He was familiar with the pattern and had yet another clue as to what was driving her out onto the streets of Star City._

_He knew it was her nightmares, but he needed for her to feel safe enough to say it to him. He also knew, deep down, that his betrayal played a role in the layers of silence she had wrapped herself in. The weight of that guilt was added to the mountain he already bore on his shoulders but it was the wounds it left behind that threatened to shatter him completely._

_While Felicity made them tea, something he rarely drank but if it meant remaining with her, he would do it, Oliver crossed to the floor of the loft to the balcony. He loved the view of the city from up here. He could see down Main Street and the sprawl of the inner city all the way to the Glades. They rarely saw the stars but the moon would always somehow find a way to shine into their bedroom._

_He had yet to look up to the second level of the loft. It tore a hole in his heart to think about all the times they shared in the bed upstairs. How he would carry her up and down the stairs after her paralysis and the long nights he spent sleeping on the floor while she was in the hospital as he was unable to bring himself to sleep in the bed alone._

_A flood of memories threatened to overwhelm him when he heard the whistle on the kettle and headed back inside towards the livingroom. He was chilly from the walk and wind outside and made his way to the fireplace. He almost turned it on but felt like he should ask first._

_Asking her first, taking the time to make sure he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries, while painful at first, helped show her that he wasn’t taking any of this for granted. Oliver, above all else, wanted her to know he wasn’t trying to fix her. He wasn’t trying to push her into talking about anything that she didn’t want to. He was showing her that she could trust him with the parts of herself that were damaged and in need of healing._

_Admittedly, he was growing impatient but that was because the physical toll her grief was taking was a daily reminder to him that he had failed her in so many ways. That his inability to access the parts of himself that were required to defeat Darhk had lead to a situation that required her to make a decision that ended so many lives. He knew neither of them was responsible for Darhk’s actions but they were both carrying their own guilt over the outcome._

_He was amazed at her resilience. That she was able to get up and be part of the world at all awed and humbled him. Oliver was very aware that while they were rebuilding the lair together, she was slowly coming apart in every other aspect of her life. He had some experience in this and was trying with all of his might to not overwhelm her with ideas for rebuilding herself. Her continued rebuffing of his subtle offers of help were beginning to irritate him but he held back and allowed her the space to reach for his help on her own._

_All he could do was hold the space for her and walk with her on the most difficult journey of her life. He couldn’t pretend to know where it would end, but in the meantime he would stay with her with an open heart, offer unconditional support and finally let go of judgement and control. He had his own wounds to heal from but the depth of her despair eclipse everything else in both of their lives._

_It was in that moment on the couch, when her composure shifted and she gave him a glimpse behind the walls she had constructed to hide behind. He finally saw the never ending well of pain and torment that had taken root so deeply inside her. He understood finally that it was more than just simple guilt over having to make the choice as to what to do to save millions._

_She wasn’t just running from her nightmares, she was searching for a way to transform herself. Her grief was a chrysalis, a delicately woven cocoon that was allowing her to regain control of herself, to see herself as something other than broken and the one responsible for bringing death to a city. The complexity of her grief was staggering to him but he sensed a glimmer of hope as she reached for him and let the flood of tears finally come._

_Encircling her in his arms, he spoke to her about the strength she possessed to survive being kidnapped by The Count, Deathstroke, and Darhk. How her self-confidence and self-respect had paved the way for him to learn humility and to see himself as a person of value and worth. How she had changed how he saw the world around him for the better. Oliver spoke softly and gently of how he now had the ability to trust his own intuition and wisdom even in the face of adversity._

_As her tears subsided, he cradled her and showed her with as much tenderness and compassion that he could muster that she would always be able to count on him to be a safe harbour, that she was not permanently broken but merely on her way to being whole. As she slipped off into a sleep born from physical and mental exhaustion, he whispered that he loved her even when she fell and laid broken within her own mind and allowed his own tears to fall._

_Pulling her closer to him, so that he could feel the soft rise and fall of her chest as she let deep sleep claim her, he stayed motionless on the couch so as to not disturb her rest. She hadn’t slept in days and he wanted to make sure she remained asleep no matter what. After an hour had passed, he gathered her in his arms and carried her up to her bedroom._

_She didn’t move a muscle when he laid her down and removed her shoes. Looking down at her in the lights reflecting in from outside, Oliver marveled at how such a tiny woman had been able to bulldoze her way through his life, opening his heart and showing him a love so deep and true that even now he could feel it in the quiet of the room. Kneeling down beside her, he smoothed her hair from her face and gently removed her glasses._

_“Felicity Smoak, no matter what I will love you. Nothing you have done or could do will change that,” he said softly, “I just hope you can forgive yourself.”_

_He gently kissed her forehead and took up a sentry position on the chaise lounge across from her. He was trusting his intuition that him staying close by was something that she needed on this night of all nights. Within a few minutes, his eyes started to close and unconsciously his breathing synced up with hers and he slipped off to sleep._

_II_

_Sometime before dawn, when the sky changed colour from a velvet black to midnight blue, Oliver awoke and was startled to see he was covered by a blanket. He then saw a trail of clothes from the end of the chaise to the end of the bed. Felicity was tucked in and still deeply, soundly asleep. In the pre-dawn light he smiled at her, a small beaming smile that shone from his heart, and breathed a sigh of relief._

_With as much stealth as he could muster,he got to his feet and carefully made his way downstairs. If he could get himself moving, he could get breakfast for her and be out of the loft before she woke up. There was literally nothing in her kitchen for him to build off of so take out would have to do._

_Twenty minutes later, he was back with coffee, bagels, fruit and yogurt. He wanted to be out before she woke up, to give her some space to ease into the day without the awkwardness of his presence in the loft. He silently headed back up to her room and left the food like an offering on the bench at the end of the bed and left as quietly he arrived._

_Turning off the lights and the fireplace down, he quietly closed the door and headed back to the bunker. He was still mayor and the city needed running and for the first time in weeks, he was rested and ready to tackle whatever his council could throw at him._

_He had no idea what the night would bring or if Felicity would even want to be in the lair but he had to be ready for whatever would be thrown his way. Oliver had no doubt she would be back but he hoped she would take some time to centre herself and begin to let go of the pain and let hope back in. She was strong enough to do it but not alone. Not yet._

_Partway through the day, he felt compelled to leave the Mayoral office and spend some time in the Memorial Garden. He hadn’t been in it during the day since it opened and he wanted to see just what it looked like and how people were using it. Mostly, he just wanted to be somewhere other than the Lair or his office but still somewhere that he and Felicity had spent time in together. He hadn’t heard from her yet and was thinking today might be a day where she kept to herself._

_He was walking with his head down, completely lost in thought, as he entered the park. He didn’t see the couples strolling through the pathway through the trees, hear the birds singing high up in the tree top canopy or the way the park seemed to close around him, keeping sound out. It was like the park was whispering to him but he was so lost in his own mind that he failed to hear it._

_From just off to his left came a soft voice calling, “Oliver?”_

_His head snapped up and immediately his eyes focused onto Felicity’s. He was greeted with a simple but welcoming smile from her as she sat on the same bench from the night before. She looked rested, relaxed and thoughtful. Her cheeks had colour and the dark circles were almost gone from beneath her eyes. She waved him over and made room on the bench beside her._

_“Hey,” she greeted him softly._   
_“Hey,” he smiled._   
_“Did you sleep ok last night?”_   
_“The chaise is a bit short but it is soft,” he chuckled, “Thanks for the blanket. How was your rest?”_   
_“It...it was good. Thank you for the coffee and breakfast!”_   
_“Well, you didn’t have anything in your fridge or cupboards.”_   
_“I know. You know me and cooking,” she said sheepishly._

_Oliver just smiled and sat back to finally look around the park. It was lush, fragrant and calm. He could see why Felicity might enjoy the space, it was welcoming even though it came about because of such horrific devastation. Where they were sitting was set back from the main path on slight rise in a small grove of cedar trees. From where they say, they could see the entire park and out over the river in the distance. In the daylight, it was safe and peaceful._

_“You did a good job here, Oliver.”_   
_“You really like it?”_   
_“Yes,” she said thoughtfully, “it feels...comforting to be here. Familiar.”_   
_“When I was sketching out this part of it, I...I thought about you.”_   
_“Really?”_   
_“Yeah,” he said with an embarrassed smile._

_Felicity didn’t say anything but he could feel her eyes on him, he sat perfectly still and waited to see what she would do or say. He was hoping she would smile or laugh or tease him. What she did was slowly take his hand in hers and sit back to watch the flow of people as they moved through the park._

_No one ran, no one raised their voices, children weren’t allowed to run and play and dogs were kept on their leashes. The citizens of Star City saw the park as sacred space and treated it accordingly. It made him feel immensely proud to have been part of its creation and he hoped it would stand the test of time and allow for true healing. If it helped Felicity on her journey, then it was worth every cent._

_“I don’t deserve that kind of honour,” she said softly with thick veins of sadness and regret._

_Oliver answered that by tightening his grip on her hand. He wouldn’t argue with her or attempt to persuade her to think something she wasn’t ready to believe. He would simply wait until she was ready to open up to him again and take his chances then. Right now, he was content to sit with her as she processed what he was showing her._

_“So, are you going to be heading out for your regular night time meetings?” she asked._   
_“I think so. Things are quiet, so probably not for long. I have a few things I need to do tonight,” he said cryptically._   
_“Well, don’t go out without me,” she admonished._   
_“Not a chance,” he smiled, “I should probably start back to the office.”_   
_“Ok,” she said reluctantly._   
_“Want to walk with me?”_   
_“Only if you promise to go past that new coffee place next to the courthouse.”_   
_“You got it.”_

_The walk back to his office went by too quickly for Oliver. They walked and talked about the state of the city, what was next on his list of things to do and what she could do to help. He asked about Palmer Tech, where she was in the process of getting back in the CEO seat and if there was anything he could do to help. He felt like maybe, just maybe, she was starting to really trust him again._

_He was loathe to leave her alone so he bought them both coffee and found them a seat in the shade next on the outdoor patio. It overlooked the street outside and he could see both City Hall and her office above the lair. He watched her fidget with her coffee cup and came naturally: he reached out and offered his hand to her which she took with an ease that caused his heart to skip just slightly out of time._

_“I should probably get going,” she said as she watched his thumb stroke the inside of her palm._   
_“Me, too,” he murmured as he watched her stroke the top of his thumb._

_It was like lightning hitting his nervous system. He felt the electrical storm set off by her touch crackle and snap under his skin and suppressed a shiver. He was thankful for being in the shade because he was sure he was blushing. For the first time in a very long time, Oliver felt like running away from her._

_“Well, I’ll see you tonight,” she said with forced brightness._   
_“Absolutely. I’ll be in around nine.”_   
_“Ok, see you then,” she said in a rush as she gathered her purse and coat and left the coffee shop._

_He watched her walk quickly away but knew she wasn’t running from herself, she was running from him and it broke a small piece of him. He knew it wasn’t personal, that is was in reaction to the small moment of intimacy they had just shared. Still he was comforted in a small way that instinctively they had reached for each other when overwhelmed in the moment._

_Tonight was going to be different and he hoped he could convince her to join him on the excursion he had planned. He needed a small break from being Green Arrow and he hoped he could convince her to take a small break as Overwatch and enjoy the evening in a slightly different way._

_One was certain, by the time she would arrive at the lair this evening, his surprise would be waiting for her in the comcentre. He was taking a huge chance and hoped she would be willing to step outside her comfort zone and let him help her set part of her hurt free._

_He watched her pause beneath an enormous cedar tree, her head bent over her phone, and chuckled quietly to himself. Her phone was her lifeline, her one true connection to a world unseen but one that she had almost Goddess-like powers to control. Felicity was one with that piece of technology like he was with his bow._

_Faintly, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Sighing, he reached for it, thinking it was his office looking for him. He was more than a little surprised to see it was a text from Felicity that simply said, ‘Thank you. For breakfast, for coffee, for everything.’_

_He looked up, searching under the cedar tree for her, but in the short span of time that he took to read the text, she had turned a corner and vanished from sight. Now more than ever, he was looking forward to what the evening would bring. Before that, he needed to get through the day and that meant getting back to work. Taking a deep breath, he got up and headed into City Hall._


	9. Jupiter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver gives Felicity a gift and together they ride out of the city.
> 
> There is so much sadness here but not all of it belongs to Felicity. I dug deep into the song It's Quiet Uptown for this one.
> 
> There are some repeated beats here that are important for all that is to come. Some very intense things.

_She swayed in the breeze_  
 _Her attention undivided_  
 _As she reached for the horizon_.

I

Felicity spent most of the day focused on Palmer Tech and trying to get her lawyer to get her in front of the Board of Directors. She had a new idea that they might be willing to back her on and it would mean her reinstatement as CEO. Then, with Walter’s help, she would clean house but that was private and only shared with Walter himself since it had been his idea.

She sat back in her chair and rubbed her eyes. She wasn’t tired just weary from reading legal papers and trying to get something to change with a group of people so stubborn she felt like screaming. The one bright spot this past couple of days had been Oliver and his patience with her as she continued to work through her grief.

She was especially grateful for his refusal to leave her alone last night. His presence allowed her to feel safe enough to sleep through the night in a dreamless, dark sleep. Her first in weeks. It was part of why she was able to venture into the memorial park and sit, restfully and reflectively, on the same bench from the night before.

The deep, dense green of the leaves overheard, the floral scent of the air from the roses, violets, lilies and hydrangeas, and the gentle sound of the fountain and reflecting pool almost overwhelmed her. The plants and trees seemed to absorb any and all sound making it feel like she was locked in a tender embrace. When OIiver showed up, it only added to the silent surrealness of the moment.

She looked up from her tablet and saw Oliver enter the park. She knew that the way sound fell away and how sunlight filtered through the trees like it was water cascading slowly to the ground was momentarily disorienting and she could see that he was affected by it. She smiled to herself and thought how good it was to see him react like a regular person would. He so often was ten steps ahead that he was never surprised but she could see this was different, that he was immersed in the moment.

Felicity let him experience the park in his own unique way before calling out to him. She was loath to admit it, but when she woke up and saw he was gone it had disappointed her. Then she saw the coffee, bagel, fresh cut fruit and yogurt and felt a shift in her heart. For just a moment she felt a glimmer of something full of life and love. It dimmed the brutal grip of pain that surrounded her heart and she felt lighter and more in control of herself than she had been since that night.

The afternoon went well until he reached for her hand at the coffee shop and she had reached back. Her entire being sang out for him but she could only reward herself with the touching his hand. When he stroked the inside of her palm she felt a strong breeze blow through her and it took her breath away. She could hear the cells of her body renew themselves, her heart beat in her ears, and the rush of her blood through her veins. It stoked the fire at the base of her spine, the one that he had lit in Nanda Parbat, and all she wanted to do was run and hide.

As she hurried away down the street, she felt foolish when all he had done was show her genuine compassion and caring. From beneath the fragrant overhanging branches of an old cedar tree, she stopped and pulled out her phone. She composed and erased a half dozen texts before settling on a simple thank you. Once she hit send, she looked back at Oliver who was still sitting at the cafe, and then let fear overtake her.

She fled to her office as fast as she could in an attempt to outrun her panic. She could feel her heart begin to race out of control and her vision began to darken around the edges. A simple sweep of his thumb across her skin and it tore her carefully constructed world apart.

Once inside her office, she quickly locked the door and made her way to the very back of the large space where she had created an oasis of darkness and quiet for when the world overwhelmed her. It was next to what was once Oliver’s main office during his campaign, nestled in a corner where the walls were exposed brick and the window overlooked an inner courtyard now choked with wildflowers and tall grass. In the centre was an old stone fountain.

Back when they first took up residence in the building, late one night they had tried to find the door that lead to it. They searched and searched but only found a section of wall behind a cabinet in his office that could have at one time been a door. She wanted to find a way in and explore the space to see what else might be lurking under the grass. Until then, she kept her meditative space in front of the window clear and open so she could see the entire space.

Taking refuge on the couch, she pulled a blanket around her and focused on the way the grass waved in the slight breeze that poured over the walls of the building and down the rough brick walls. It helped her focus her thinking and allowed her return to herself, regardless of the shattered pieces she now found herself in. She had to find the courage to gather those pieces up and heal the cracks and seams in her soul.

She laid down and focused on her breathing, drawing herself together with each inhale and letting go of the panic and fear with each exhale. It was a trick Oliver taught her when she first joined the team and she practiced it when the world threatened to overwhelmed her. Within a few minutes, curled up in the corner of the couch, she drifted slowly off to sleep.

 

II

_There was no warning. She opened her eyes and was back in the wasteland that was once a thriving city. She felt the weight of loss and grief descend onto her heart. She was standing next to a heap of bricks and exposed rebar that had once been a building. Looking around, she guessed that she was somewhere near the epicentre of the bomb, near to where she last stood which meant she had to start walking if she was going to reach her destination._

_The wind was singing as it blew across the barren earth. It was traveling through broken sections of the radioactive crust, reaching low into the buried city, and finding small tunnels in the burnt remains that acted like organ pipes. The song the city was singing should have been a cacophony but it was melodious with soft harmonies and mournful chords._

_Felicity could feel it under her feet as it shook the ground with each delicate turn of the wind through the instrument it had found. She found herself humming along to the long, low notes. It was a symphony of sound in a grey, dead landscape and it gave her a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, she could find her way out of this labyrinth of horror and grief._

_As she crossed what once could have been a busy intersection, she glimpsed something glittering in the distance, near to the space she was so resolutely making her way towards. As she drew closer, she saw what it was and almost ran in the opposite direction._

_How does it keep appearing? She wondered as she forced herself to bend and pick up the object that had caught her attention. How did this pink bow survive a nuclear bomb and why do I keep finding it?_

_Tucking it into her pocket, Felicity focused on her journey towards what she hoped would be the end the path. She needed to touch the point of impact, the place where the thermonuclear bomb ignited and unleashed the equivalent of the the same amount of energy as approximately 10 million tons of TNT. It would have been more than enough to decimate Monument Point and take at least three quarters of its population with it. Something in the range of 1.5 million people._

_But she had made the decision to alter its course and land the bomb here. A small city that had no chance. People sleeping, living, loving and simply magnificently being alive and human had been blasted to dust and now the city and her souls were singing to her, the notes of her song rising on specks of dust._

_Felicity had no tears left to shed. She swayed on her feet like the tall grass swayed in the wind in the unreachable courtyard. With energy she thought she lacked, she continued on her way to the spot where the song originated. It was time for her to trace its face and know it as she knew her own._

_From underneath the harmony that was blowing past her, she heard her name being gently called. She knew the voice immediately and whirled around trying to find him. If Oliver was here, she wanted him to leave. It wasn’t safe here for him, she couldn’t protect him from the radioactivity. She heard wailing from beneath her and knew the song was dying._

_Now her tears came as she saw him standing at the epicentre. He had been waiting for her to arrive and motioned for her to come closer, his face a mask of sorrow and regret. Yet when she needed him the most, he was right on time. Together they could tell the story of this disaster, they could name this suffering and make sure no one ever forgot._

_She crossed the distance between them, listening to the fading song, and took his outstretched hand. For the first time in so long, it was enough. It allowed her to push away the suffering that for so long was a nameless, faceless looming presence in her mind and heart. Together, hand in hand, they knelt and traced the face of the unimaginable, giving it shape and form._

_The song that had accompanied her to Oliver ended in a whisper. She looked at him then, taking how he tried to hide his own pain and guilt over havenrock but because she had needed him, he remained silent but now his cheeks were wet with tears and his eyes reflected the heavy weight of grief he carried in his heart._

_Wiping away his tears with her thumbs, she whispered, “Imagine what forgiveness feels like. Imagine waking up with renewed grace.”_

 

The sound of her phone’s alarm ringing snapped Felicity awake. She groggily checked the time and saw it was time to get down to the lair. Oliver said he would be in by nine and she needed coffee and a snack.

The dream unsettled her. She could still hear the song but it was Oliver’s presence that had disturbed her the most. They were both so wounded now but she felt like had been selfish all this time. If she was hurting, so was he and now it was time to listen to him. If he was willing to talk to her. Taking a deep breath, Felicity straightened her skirt and put her shoes on. It was time to get moving.

 

III

“Oliver!” she called, “Are you here?”

She walked the length of the lair to her comcentre hearing nothing in reply. Checking her watch, she saw it was well after nine and while Oliver was not known for being on time, he was usually close to being punctual when it came to his nightly patrols. He should already be here, she thought, considering he usually spent an hour getting his weapons in order and making sure his suit was in one piece and not in need of repair.

As she made her way up the stairs to power up her station, she saw two big boxes sitting in the centre of the circle. Written across the top, on a piece of paper in Oliver’s distinctive cursive handwriting, was a note asking her to wait to open them until he got there.

She looked at all the sides of the boxes and found one tiny S.T.A.R. labs label on the side of the biggest one. If it was the processor she wanted, she would push Oliver out the door ready or not so she could set it up. If he didn’t get here soon, she would open them without him.

“Hey! Felicity!”  
“Finally!” she exclaimed.  
“You haven’t opened the boxes yet, have you?” he called back.  
“Nope! You’re lucky, I was getting super anxious.”

Oliver climbed the steps to join her and sat down in his chair across from her. She watched him and noticed that he had changed into khakis and grey Henley since they met in the park but he was making no move to get into his Green Arrow suit. Something was up but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

“Well, go ahead,” he smiled, “Open them up.”  
“No hint or clue as to what is inside?” she asked as she went in search of a pair of scissors.  
“Nope, not even one.”  
“You are being really mysterious, Mr. Queen.”  
“You are wasting time and daylight, Ms. Smoak!”

Giving him a dirty look, she returned with the scissors and carefully cut the tape away on the biggest of the boxes. When she opened it she wasn’t greeted by the smell of plastic like she expected, instead she was met with the distinct scent of leather. A lot of leather.

Digging down through layers of bubble wrap, Felicity pulled out a leather jacket, gloves, and pants. Before looking up at Oliver, she opened the second, smaller box and pulled out a helmet and boots. Everything was black except for the boots that had small red embellishments. It was all lightweight and incredibly soft.

Sitting back in her chair, she looked at Oliver and waited. She didn’t know what he had in mind, but she was very curious to know and also why S.T.A.R. labs was used to create the motorcycle ensemble. He was busy brushing invisible lint off of his pants, so she cleared her throat to pull his attention back to her.

“So, what is this about?” she asked.  
“I thought that maybe we could take the night off,” he said sheepishly.  
“Tonight? But it’s Friday. You know how crazy it can get on Fridays,” she protested.  
“Things have not been crazy lately, you know that, and I thought it might be a nice change of pace from long walks in the city.”  
“These are motorcycle clothes.”  
“I know that,” he laughed, “I got Cisco to make them. They are virtually indestructible.”  
“Even the helmet?”  
“Especially the helmet.”

Felicity’s instinct now was to give into panic, to run as fast and as far as she could, but after her dream earlier she dug in and calmed her racing heart. He was trying to do something for them both here and she felt she needed to give him and it a chance.

“Ok,” she said standing up,watching him visibly relax, “Let me go try this on. What do I wear under the pants?”  
“Do you have any gym clothes here?”  
“Yeah, some yoga pants and a couple of tank tops.”  
“Then you are set,” he said softly.

Felicity looked up at him but couldn’t read his expression. She was nervous but was feeling the flutters of excitement in her stomach. He had never wanted to take her on the Ducati except for very short jaunts. It was a powerful bike and he always had some excuse for why he didn’t want to take her for longer rides. Maybe, by the looks of things, tonight would be different.

Ten minutes later, she was standing in front of the mirror in the change room inspecting Cisco’s handiwork. He had outdone himself with this suit. The pants fit her like a glove but even with the yoga pants underneath them they still moved like she was wearing nothing at all. The jacket was free from buckles and a metal zipper and fit her perfectly. Even the boots, which looked like they should weigh a tonne, but were featherlight as well.

Taking a deep breath, she took her hair out of her ponytail and took one last look in the mirror. She saw how thin she was getting but her legs looked so strong now from all the walking. She hoped they stopped somewhere for food because she could feel her stomach beginning to rumble.

“Ok,” she called as she walked back out, “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

Oliver, who was out by the garage, was looking down at his phone but when he looked up and saw her, he fumbled it for a moment and dropped it on the floor. Under the harsh florescent lights, she watched him blush and had to suppress a smile. The last time she saw him get flustered like this, she had been wearing a red dress at a restaurant in Positano.

“So, are we good to go?” she asked brightly.  
“Yeah, sure, ok,” he stammered, “Let me, I mean, I think my keys…”  
“Oliver, your keys are in your hand and your helmet is beside you.”  
“Ok, right,” he said and then he laughed, “Sorry, you look really nice.”  
“It looks like the pants are too tight, but they really aren’t. You and Cisco did good.”

She looked up to see him staring at her with that neutral expression he always managed to achieve when trying to hide what he was actually thinking. Turning around, he picked up his helmet and made his way to the Ducati. Felicity had to cover her mouth to smother her laughter. It had been a long time since she had poked fun at him and felt that this situation warranted it.

“Coming?” he called back to her.  
“Let me grab my helmet and gloves!”  
“Can you grab my gloves, too?”  
“Ok, got ‘em,” she said as she made her way to the bike, “Do I need to take my glasses off?”  
“Nope, the helmet was made to accommodate them.”  
“You thought of everything, didn’t you?” she smiled as he helped her get onto the back of the bike.  
“I did,” he smiled back as he brushed her hair back and slid the helmet onto her head.

This time it was Felicity’s turn to get flustered. His fingertips brushed gently across the back of her neck and she had to suppress an unexpected shiver. She had forgotten how intense that felt and for a moment she lost herself to a memory of their last night in Ivy Town and how he had trailed his fingertips across the nape of her neck and they had spent the last few hours before dawn lost in each other’s embrace.

“Ready?” Oliver asked over his shoulder as he did up his leather jacket and secured his own helmet.  
“Y-yes,” she stammered, wondering how he had gotten onto the motorcycle without her noticing, “Whenever you are.”  
“Be sure to look at your jacket when we get out of the garage.”

And with that, Oliver started up the Ducati and eased them out of the garage and onto the street. Felicity held onto him around his waist and just let herself enjoy the rush of the wind flowing over his powerful frame as he drove them through Star City’s streets. She looked down at her jacket, as he had suggested she do, and saw what why. The stitching glowed a soft blue that changed in intensity depending on the brightness of the overhead lights. When it was dark, it was almost alive and when the overhead lights were bright, the stitching dimmed.

Oliver’s jacket did the same thing which made her smile. He and Cisco had worked hard on the new motorcycle clothes and that made her feel safe and content. She had no idea where they were going and for a few precious moments, she didn’t care. Felicity rested her head against Oliver’s back and stopped paying attention to the passage of time.

She let go of the rigid control she had been exerting on all aspects of her life as felt the road beneath the bike and the way Oliver was able to handle all the corners and curves. She felt them pick up speed and tried to look around to see where they were. The visor Cisco had put in gathered all available light to help with night vision but she could barely see anything. She got the distinct feeling that they were no longer in Star City and instinctively held onto Oliver tighter.

Within a few minutes, Oliver pulled slowly off the highway they were on and into a parking lot where the light blinded Felicity as the visor was slow to react to the change in light. She had no idea where they were and while she trusted Oliver, the loss of control over where she was threatened to overwhelm her.

Quickly, she undid the the strap under her chin, took her helmet off and looked around to try and figure out where she was. At first, she was confused. If the sign above her head was correct, they were twenty miles outside of the city and at the first place they had stopped at on their journey out of town a year ago.

“Oliver…,” she began hesitantly, “Why are we here?”  
“I have a surprise for you,” he said as he got off the Ducati.  
“What...kind of surprise?”  
“Not that kind,” he laughed, “Come on. I’ll show you.”

Oliver extended his hand and helped her off the bike. Her legs shook from the ride for a minute but she was determined to stand on her own. She looked up at the sign for the Inn and hoped they weren’t arriving too late for dinner.

“Oliver, I am starving,” she admitted as they walked down a dimly lit pathway to the Inn’s cottages.  
“Got it covered.”  
“Really? I don’t see any groceries in your jacket,” she teased.  
“Don’t worry. Things are covered.”  
“Hey, how did the boxes get into the lair?” she asked.  
“I had Barry run them over. He...owed me.”  
“Hmmmm. Right,” she muttered. Barry owed her, too. They were going to have words one day about his role in Oliver’s keeping William’s existence from her but she pushed those thoughts away and focused on the moment.

Oliver lead her to the largest cottage on the sprawling property that overlooked a cliff and the ocean below. She could smell the clean, cold salt air and listened to the pounding waves far below. This was one of her favourite places along the coast and the memories, though now bittersweet, were not tainted by the mistakes of the past six months. Felicity wasn’t ready to allow herself the luxury of remembering too closely the two nights they spent locked behind closed doors in a cottage on the other side of the property, but she felt no tension in being here.

“See?” Oliver asked as he opened the door, “This is a two bedroom cottage.”  
“I see. Why is it so cold?”  
“A window must be open somewhere. I’ll start the fire. Why don’t you relax, maybe take off your boots?”  
“They are really comfortable and I don’t have thick socks on,” she said ruefully as he turned the gas fireplace on and set it to a reasonable temperature.  
“Ok, how about I make some hot chocolate or tea,” he paused as she held up one finger indicating the first thing he said, “and you grab a blanket and get warm.”

Felicity was more than happy to take her boots and leather pants off so that she could sit and relax. She was wishing she had known they were coming here so that she could have tucked a sweater into the storage area under the Ducati’s seat, when one appeared as though by magic in front of her.

“I packed it under the seat before you got in,” he said sheepishly.  
“Oh thank God!” she exclaimed as she unzipped her jacket and stripped it off. The sweater was one she kept in the Lair for emergencies or if she was cold. It was thick and warm and one of her favourites. She felt Oliver’s eyes linger on her as she pulled it on and felt a blush creep up her cheeks. Thankfully, the kettle whistled from the kitchenette and Oliver left her to get them their hot drinks.

“So, what’s for dinner and what’s the surprise?” she asked as she took the steaming cup of hot chocolate from his outstretched hand.  
“Dinner is on the way and the surprise is over here,” he said and walked towards the window at the dark end of the living room.

Curious, she followed him over to the window.She was grateful for the sweater because the air got colder the closer they got to window. During the day the view would be spectacular, just sea and sky and nothing in between. She wondered if they would be here long enough to see it.

“Here it is,” he said cautiously.  
“Is that...is that a telescope?”  
“Yeah. It is set up already, all you have to do is look through eyepiece.”  
“Will I know what I am looking at or for?”  
“Yes, I think you will,” he said softly.

She stole a glance at him and saw that he was looking at the night sky with a thoughtful, tired expression on his face. She almost reached out to him then but decided against it for the moment. Her curiousity over what was waiting for her overtook her and she carefully lowered her head so she could see through the eyepiece.

It took a moment for her to focus properly but when the object revealed itself to her in sharp detail, it took her breath away. One night, a lifetime ago, in the shadow of Mesa Verde, he had shown her a distance nebula that was more smudge than glimmer and shared the story of how his dad had helped him find it in the night sky. The Ghost of Jupiter had been his gift to her that cold night under the clear desert sky.

Tonight, under a velvet coastal sky, he was showing her the planet Jupiter, the namesake of that long dead nursery of stars. He remembered her story of not being able to attend space camp as a child when Jupiter was making its closest approach to Earth in hundreds of years. He remembered her sadness and disappointment and turned that around into a quiet gift.

“Oliver…,” she murmured as she stood back up, “You remembered.”  
“How could I forget?”  
“I…,” was all she got out before the tears started to flow down her cheeks.  
“Felicity!” he said concerned, “I never meant to upset you. I just...wanted to give you something for you.”  
“I’m not upset,” she said softly, “I don’t…”  
“Don’t say you don’t deserve this. You do. If I could take away all the pain, all of it, I would do that to.”  
“But at what cost to you?” she asked sadly.  
“What do you mean?”  
“How much of my hurt are you going to try and take on before you look at your own?”

Oliver pulled up to his full height at that and gave her a look full of confusion, panic, grief and something that looked like love. Tentatively, she reached for his hand. At the moment of contact, he looked down at where their skin touched and she felt a warm tear splash onto her palm. She had never seen him cry so silently or openly. He tried to never shed any tears in front of her but something tonight was so close to the surface that he had no defense against them.

“Oliver,” she said with a voice full of concern, “what is it?”  
All he could do was shake his head as he clasped her small hand between his two large ones. Felicity watched his shoulders shake and pulled him into a tight embrace. He was always so strong for her, so unshakeable and determined to be her rock, it was the very least she could do.

He buried his face in her neck and breathed in as deeply as he could, something he would do to calm himself, and she was more than happy to provide him that small comfort. She wasn’t going to try and fix him or attempt to push for why this was happening. She would repay him for his kindness the night before because she loved him with all she had within her still. Nothing could change that for her. Not William, not the nuclear bomb, not the death of Darhk. For all the pain that had surrounded them, their foundation was unshakeable.

He had walked her back from the edge of an abyss and helped her name the unimaginable. Once they had a chance to eat, to sit and regain the night, she would tell him about her dream and the way he had helped her find the centre of all that grief, guilt and pain. How she knew how to tell the story of Havenrock because of him.

Taking his face between her small hands, she kissed his forehead and wiped his tears with her thumbs, as he had done for her the night before and guided him to the couch in front of the fireplace, leaving him only to close the window.

No matter how many times they stumbled and fell, they would always be enough for each other. She watched him, silently working through layers of guilt and grief, and looked at where they were and thought of where they started. They had been through so much together, she couldn’t imagine trying to find that state of grace they both so desperately were seeking without him by her side.

Wiping away fresh tears as they fell down his cheeks with her thumbs, she whispered, “Imagine what forgiveness feels like. Imagine waking up with renewed grace.”


	10. Interlude Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Oliver's POV as they arrive at the resort. It delves briefly into the source of his guilt and grief. Felicity is still making small steps to opening up to him and so they dance around each other, learning to trust and respect the other in a deeper way.
> 
> ***NOTE: I reference another story I wrote about them called Ghost of Jupiter. You don't have to read it but it wouldn't hurt lol***

_Chapter Ten: Interlude Part 5_

_He dreamed in black and white_   
_So that he could find her_   
_In her world full of colour._

_I_

_Oliver hadn’t been sure how she would take the gift of the leather motorcycle suit or the fact he had Cisco make it. Felicity’s relationship with the folks in Central City was strained at the moment and he didn’t want to add to that tension anymore than he had to. He was proud of how it had turned out and it could serve as a suit in the field in a pinch. It was bullet and tear proof and he had asked that the stitching be luminous but in a specific pattern. He could hardly wait for Felicity to see it._

_As it was, his nervousness wasn’t warranted. She had loved it and when he saw her in it, his heart stopped beating in his chest and he lost the ability to speak for just a moment. The leather hugged her curves but looked like it was hardly there. Cisco had outdone himself in the cut and style of it. She looked like a superhero and he hoped that tonight, he might help her feel like one._

_To her credit, she ran with it. For the first time since she got up and walked out of their relationship, she looked happy and somewhat rested. She was holding something back, he could tell without even a second glance, but she wasn’t holding her stress like a shield. He could see the way in but was going to let her invite him in._

_She didn’t even ask where he wanted to go or where he was taking her. She just got on the bike and trusted him to keep her safe. Yet, when his fingertips made contact with the soft skin at the base of her neck, he felt her body react and the nerve endings in his body began to pulse. He could smell her perfume, the shampoo she used and watched the flush creep up her neck. Her seeming fragility hid a core of steel, one she used to maintain her composure even when the world was falling to ruins around her._

_Yet all that strength couldn’t disguise the way she vibrated at his touch and it temporarily blew his world apart. They had maintained a polite distance from one another for the past few months. They had unconsciously agreed to nurture their friendship while they mended the shattered pieces that bound their hearts together. Standing here with her, as she put her trust and life in his hands, he felt his desire for something more begin to race through his blood._

_Instead of acting on his impulse, he zipped up his new leather jacket, put his helmet on and got on the Ducati. It wasn’t a big bike but considering their size difference, they fit together on it perfectly. He felt her arms go around his waist and the firmness of her grip on his jacket. She had never ridden with him before on anything longer than a few blocks but she understood to lean into corners with him, to flow into curves and to hold on._

_When they hit the open road, he instinctively leaned forward. He felt Felicity press tight against his back and rest her head on his shoulder. The way her body molded to his, the feel of her breasts through their leather jackets, the way her hands had relaxed and splayed out across his torso, made it difficult for him to focus on the road. He felt a hollowness in his chest, a constriction around his heart, and part of him wished he was alone._

_He had made a reservation at a resort twenty miles out of town. It was the first place they stopped on their road trip last summer and he knew they had large cottages that overlooked the ocean with large windows that he could open to accommodate the telescope he had brought out earlier that day._

_He had gotten the idea to bring her back to this place, one associated with nothing but love and joy, after he watched her reading an astronomy book in a book store on one of her nightly walks. He remembered the way she reacted to seeing the Ghost of Jupiter that night in the desert. That entire adventure had opened them to each other in ways neither of them had any context for at the time. He also remembered her stories of missing Space Camp and seeing the planet Jupiter in its closest pass to earth in centuries. Now, he knew that he could share this with her and that maybe he could help her reconnect to herself in a way she seemed to have forgotten._

_Halfway to the resort, he noticed that they had settled into a rhythm on the back of the Ducati. The power of the bike underneath them and the smoothness of the highway itself helped her relax which in turn helped him to focus on the road. He wished they could ride like this forever, completely in tune with each other’s bodies and the road._

_Slowing the bike, he turned off the highway and into the parking lot of the resort. Felicity was confused at first as to where she was but he watched her closely and saw the moment she remembered. He saw surprise cross her face but it was chased away by apprehension and an underlying sadness. All he wanted to do was hug her and chase those lingering doubts away but he stood back and waited for her get used to standing on solid ground again._

_He listened to her chatter on about random things as they walked to their cottage, the furthest one away from the road, and wondered what her reaction would be to the surprise. He hoped she wouldn’t be angry or thinking he had any ulterior motives. He wished, with all his heart, that she would let him in tonight. That she would open up in some small way and let go of some of her guilt and hurt._

_Before showing up at the Bunker on the Ducati, Oliver had arranged to have food and the telescope sent out and set up in the cottage. It would be late when they arrived, so he wanted to be sure to have dinner ready and waiting just in case things went south and they had to return to Star City._

_Oliver hazarded a glance up at the sky and was relieved to see that it was clear of clouds and the moon had yet to rise. He hoped that the resort staff had been able to get the telescope pointing in the right direction and at the correct coordinates. He wasn’t entirely sure he could do it himself without help. Ushering her into the cottage, and trying not to let the sudden surge of passion he felt as he watched her strip out of her leather jacket overtake him, he could see she was more curious than concerned about what he had planned._

_With a visible sense of relief, he got her settled and made them both some hot chocolate. He wasn’t a really big fan of sweet things, but it was her favourite drink next to coffee and it was too late for that kind of caffeine. He watched her from the kitchenette. She had curled up in the centre of the couch and was watching the fire as it got started. In that quiet moment, when she thought he wasn’t looking, the sadness that had taken root in her soul slowly crossed her face in waves. He saw grief, guilt, exhaustion and hopelessness but still under it all, he saw the woman he had fallen so deeply in love with._

_Her curiousity was a living, breathing thing. All he had to do was suggest that she look through the eyepiece, without providing any context, and she did because she needed to see what was waiting for her. He thought she might be surprised, intrigued or at the very least feel some kind of peace as she looked up at Jupiter. He wasn’t prepared for her tears._

_He felt a piece of his heart break free and shatter. Felicity’s response tore a hole in him, he had only wanted to bring her a small peaceful moment where nothing else existed but them and the universe. Instead, he may have done more harm than good._

_But it was what she said, through her veil of tears, that broke him wide open. With one simple question, she turned the table on him and shone a light into the darkest corners of his heart._

_“How much of my hurt are you going to try and take on before you look at your own?” she asked._

_He felt a fist of guilt punch its way out of him. It tore away the last of his ability to hold back the memories he had filed away as too painful to properly deal with. Memories of leaving her alone in the hospital as she recovered from multiple bullet wounds and adjusted to her life without the use of her legs just so that he could visit William in Central City. He had lied and lied and lied to her. For weeks as she bravely faced her new reality, he would abandon her as he created a secret life away from the one they shared._

_The way Felicity had found out about William and the lies he told to keep his existence a secret had destroyed her trust in him. It had emptied their world of joy and love and threatened his sense of purpose as the Green Arrow. Without her, he felt cast out and singularly alone. Then Damien Darhk went through with his plan and he had failed her yet again._

_If he had reached deep and fought through his own self doubt and fear, maybe he could have stopped him sooner. Maybe they could have defeated HIVE and she wouldn’t have had to face the decision to redirect a nuclear missile and ending the lives of forty thousand people in Havenrock._

_All he had wanted to be was her rock but now, as she held him, he felt himself teetering on the edge of an abyss with his entire body locked in a deep state of panic. He breathed in the scent of her, something that normally calmed him, and let the grief of so many bad decisions pour out of him. He loved her with all that he had in him, that had not changed, and all he wanted to do was ease her pain. Yet here they were with her holding him, cradling him as he wept into her neck._

_Oliver felt her lips on his forehead and her fingers wiping away his tears. He opened his eyes and gazed into the dark blue of hers where he saw the flecks of gold that circled her pupils shining and sparkling with renewed life, and heard her whisper, “Imagine what forgiveness feels like. Imagine waking up with renewed grace.”_

_His knees buckled and he sat down on the couch, pulling her with him. For the next hour they sat wrapped in a blanket and in each other’s arms. Oliver had allowed her to pull his head to her chest and he grew calm as he listened to the song of her heart beating beneath his ear. Their tears stopped but still they stayed, locked in a sorrow filled embrace, watching the fire as it burned steadily on._

_II_

_“Oliver, why did you really bring me out here?” she asked quietly._   
_“I wanted to show you the sky. I wanted for you to have one night where you could look up at the universe and only see the stars,” he said quietly._   
_“You don’t have to pick up the pieces of my conscience, Oliver,” she whispered._

_Oliver sat up and looked at her. She avoided his gaze but he continued to stare at her until she met his eyes. He remained silent for a few moments more and then said, “You are worth it, Felicity. This was supposed to be my chance to reach out to you but instead you found me.”_   
_“Oliver,” she said while shaking her head, “I can’t. I can’t open that door. Not yet.”_   
_“Ok,” he smiled with a heart full of regret, “how about I get us some dinner ready instead? It will only take a minute.”_   
_“I am starving, so yes, please.”_

_Somewhat reluctantly, he untangled himself from her embrace and made his way into the kitchen. What he hadn’t told her was that he had ordered ahead and had sushi delivered and in the fridge. It was her favourite kind, tuna sashimi and avocado rolls, and he felt a small swelling of pride that he had remembered to get it._

_He rounded around the corner and saw that she had turned the fire down and was sitting by the telescope with her eye pressed up to the eyepiece. He watched her in silence as she sat completely still with Jupiter filling her vision._

_“Hey,” he called softly as he came back into the living room, “dinner is served.”_   
_“Ok, just one more second.”_

_Chuckling, he laid out the platter of sushi, chopsticks and soya sauce. He had made sure to eat before leaving Star City because he knew they would eat late and if he came unprepared, he would eat the entire party platter that he had ordered himself._

_He secretly marveled at the intensity of her concentration as she watched Jupiter in its slow orbit around the sun. He felt that familiar surge of love mixed with a never ending desire for her, only her, and quickly made himself busy. The sound of the plates on the table behind her seemed to reach her and he watched her eyes light up as she spied the sushi._

_Her appetite was returning and for that he felt absolute relief. The colour was returning to her cheeks, her skin looked less waxy and he could feel her inner well of strength refilling. She still had a long way to go, this he knew from experience, but she had taken a critical step forward._

_They ate in companionable silence as the air around them cooled off. The window was still open and the fire was low but neither one of them seemed to mind. The sushi seemed to hit the spot for her but soon she was full. Oliver hesitated for a second, unsure if he should keep eating or not._

_“Oliver, keep eating,” she gently teased, “I know you are hungry. I am stuffed. You know how much I love sashimi from Shiro’s.”_   
_“I remembered that. The avocado roll in particular.”_   
_“Better than a burger,” she smiled._

_He said nothing but just sat and smiled back. For a brief moment, it was like nothing had happened, like they had been transported back to that first night a year ago and embarking on a shared life and journey. But reality flooded back and her smile dimmed. He wanted to reach out and hold her hand, he wanted to reconnect their souls before it was too late._

_Felicity got up and turned the fire back up, she hesitated for just a second, but she reached out and gestured for him to take her hand. “Come on, let’s go out onto the balcony with the telescope.”_   
_“Ok,” he said with a small, contented sigh, “I”ll grab the telescope, you take the blanket.”_

_Together, hands linked, they made their way out to the small balcony. It held a loveseat, table and small lantern for light. Oliver let go of her hand and made room for the telescope on the table in front of them. The night was cool but the sound of the waves hitting the shore below was hypnotic. Felicity wrapped the blanket around their legs while Oliver attempted to find Jupiter again._

_“I think I lost Jupiter,” he said after a few minutes._   
_“Well, there is a whole sky full of wonder above us. We can look at anything and see back to the start,” she mused quietly from just behind him._   
_“Ladies choice?”_

_Eagerly, she sat up and took the telescope from him. After a few minutes she locked the tripod in place and invited him to look at what she had found. She was struggling to not smile but by the look on her face, he knew she had found something good. He pressed his eye to the eyepiece and focused on what she had aimed the ‘scope at. It took him a moment to recognize it but when he did, he froze._

_“How…?” he stammered._   
_“Pure luck,” she laughed quietly._

_Oliver turned to look at her and found himself at a loss for words. Somehow, out of the endless expanse of the universe above them, she had found the Ghost of Jupiter. She had managed to find the gift his father had given him, the one he had shared with her a year ago, and here she was showing it to him. All he could do was smile at her._

_“So, how long are we staying here?” she asked as she picked nervously at a loose thread on the blanket’s edge._   
_“Entirely up to you. We could leave tonight, if you want.”_   
_“Oh no, no,” she said quickly, “We can stay tonight. It is quiet out here. Peaceful.”_   
_“It is. It’s part of why I like it so much.”_   
_“I...I liked the Ducati ride out here,” she said bashfully, “I always wished you had taught me how to drive it.”_   
_“That bike is way too powerful for you.”_   
_“I could learn on a smaller one, something more Yamaha-like.”_   
_“Ok,” he nodded, “Let’s look at getting you a bike.”_   
_“Really? You’d teach me how to ride?”_

_Oliver sat back and looked at her. He didn’t need a light to know that she had a blush climbing up her neck to her cheeks. She knew without asking that he would do it. He would do anything for her without a second thought, all she had to do was say the words._

_“Absolutely,” he said softly, “I can’t have you paying for lessons when I can teach you for free.”_   
_“Thank you,” she smiled, “How about we just watch the sky as is for a bit?”_   
_“Thank you for finding the other Jupiter.”_   
_“It was pure luck, Oliver.”_   
_“That’s the best kind.”_

_Felicity shivered and rubbed her arms. Without a word, Oliver pulled the thick wool blanket up around her shoulders and then drew her to him with a gentle embrace. She instinctively sought the warmth of his body and nestled into his side. She was resting against his shoulder, staring up at the night sky. He followed her gaze up and saw a glittering array of stars that stretched all the way through time and space. He had a newfound respect for the galaxy they were hurtling through after their time in the desert and silently thanked a certain Navajo woman, now long dead, for taking them both on that dream journey in the shadow of Mesa Verde._

_“How do I apologize for destroying Havenrock?” she asked in a small, quiet voice._   
_“I spoke with Lyla a few weeks ago because of how worried I was about how you were handling the weight of that decision,” he began in lieu of an answer, “She made a point that made a lot of sense to me. She and I, we are warriors. We used to be soldiers, but because of Waller, we are warriors. But she referred to you as being a General. That when the chips are down and the toughest decisions have to be made quickly and firmly, you are able to do it.”_   
_“That’s not an answer.”_   
_“No, but it is the beginning of a way for you to understand that maybe an apology isn’t necessary.”_   
_“I need to do something, Oliver,” she said mournfully, “I can’t sleep anymore.”_   
_“You will sleep again, Felicity.”_   
_“Oliver, I destroyed hope,” her voice was thick with emotion as she spoke, “I’ve done the research. That city was a haven for artists, young families, writers and musicians. I wiped them off the face of the earth.”_   
_“Darhk did. Darhk launched every nuke in the world. You did the impossible, you saved the world.”_

_She fell silent and he felt her reflexively gripping and releasing his shirt. It was like a caress against his lower pelvis and he fought to control his body’s automatic response to her touch. She was slowly opening the door to her innermost thoughts and feelings and he was loathe to mess this moment up._

_“I just don’t know what to do,” she whispered._   
_“Sometimes the answer is to do nothing and let the solution find you instead,” he murmured into the top of her head._   
_“It’s getting harder and harder to breathe,” she said softly._

_Oliver said nothing. He could feel her tears soaking through his shirt and felt her shoulders shaking as she cried in silence. He would have rathered she sob, that she weep loudly and let go of the grief that was wrapped around her heart, but he let her cry without interruption. Eventually, her breathing evened out and she slipped into a deep sleep brought on by exhaustion and a full stomach. Once again he sat in silent stillness, letting her sleep take hold before attempting to get her into one of the beds._

_He was getting cold, so he gently gathered her in his arms and carried her into the cottage. He picked the master bedroom for her because it had a gas fireplace in it and he knew she loved that feature. He would turn it on low so that the room warmed up while he cleaned up._

_Laying her gently on the bed, he covered her with the duvet. She looked so peaceful and relaxed as she slept. He wished she could understand that what she was waiting for was forgiveness and no one could give her that expect herself._

_“Forgive yourself, my love,” he whispered as he kissed her forehead, “You know how to do this, I know you do.”_

_Turning the fireplace on low, he paused to look at her one last time and left the room. His clean up was easily done since he hadn’t cooked but he didn’t think he could sleep. Surprisingly, the ride out, the intensity of the evening and the fresh ocean air had combined to sap his energy. He was feeling every bruise on his body tonight, particularly the ones he got the night before in his fight with the man who had been following her through the streets of Star City. He hoped that she was done with her nocturnal walks. They may tire her out, but they were taking a pound of flesh from him._

_He brought the telescope in, closed the window, locked the balcony and front doors, turned off the fireplace, changed into just a pair of sweats and was preparing to go to bed when he heard her cry out. Racing into the room, he saw she was still asleep but in the grips of a nightmare. Knowing he shouldn’t wake her up, he knelt down beside her and waited._

_When she calmed down and had slipped into that dreamless space where true rest and rejuvenation took place, he quietly rose to his feet and made to leave the room. His heart was suddenly heavy and he felt that familiar pressure in his chest that spoke of loneliness and longing when he heard her sit up._

_“Stay?” she asked hesitantly._   
_“Are you sure?”_   
_“Yes. Please.”_

_Without another word, Oliver circled the bed and slipped beneath the covers. He opened his arms to her and she slipped into his embrace. She was wrapped in the duvet, so she couldn’t immediately find his warmth but within a heartbeat, she found it and laid her head on his chest and he felt his heart beat its song just for her as they both chased their own dreamless sleep._


	11. Ashes to Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For every step forward, sometimes there are two steps back. Felicity, while making attempts to move forward and deal with her grief, sometimes she experiences a set back. 
> 
> At the resort with Oliver, she experiences both the positives and negatives of healing from such tremendous guilt.
> 
> It also gets unexpectedly sexy at one point. Introducing a whole new element to her relationship with Oliver.

**Chapter Eleven: Ashes to Ashes**

_Rivers of blood and bone_  
 _Greet her wandering feet_  
 _Pushing her out and home_.

I

Sometime after 1 am, Felicity awoke confused as to where she was or what had pulled her from deep sleep. She was wrapped in a duvet, nestled up against Oliver who was sleeping next to her, but she had no memory of how she got here. She only remembered awaking from a nightmare, one full of ash and fire, and his retreating frame silhouetted by flickering fire light.

She had mustered all of her courage and asked him to stay with her. The mounting panic in her chest was threatening to punch its way out but his presence calmed her, allowing her to rest and regain a semblance of normality and her composure. He failed to see the relief that crossed her face after he said yes and crawled into beside her.

Her heart was still pounding from the horrors of her unconscious mind, so she focused on his hands. They had callouses, scars and lumps where the bones had mended and healed at odd angles after being mercilessly broken during his time in purgatory. He never spoke of who had dismantled him so thoroughly but she guessed that Slade had had a helping hand in breaking him into pieces. She tenderly traced the edge of one misset finger and felt the heat of pain in the knuckle.

The stories his hands could tell, she mused, from ones of horrors too great to name to ones of gentle repose. He never complains about the pain he must be in from the torture he endured.

 _Why did he have to lie to me_ , she silently mourned, _We had the world at our feet._

Tears streamed down her face as she looked at where they were now. All that old grief welled up and she struggled to reclaim her space of peace. She couldn’t face it yet. She pushed away the pain of those moments of betrayal and hurt. She still had so much to work through with Havenrock.

 _Not yet_ , she thought as she closed the door in her mind to William.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she worked her way through the Mourner’s Kaddish for Havenrock.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she cried silently into the duvet.

Softly, she recited the first stanza of the Kaddish. She had never prayed like this before and she hoped she was getting it right.

  
_“Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'mei raba._   
_B'alma di v'ra chirutei,_   
_v'yamlich malchutei,_   
_b'chayeichon uv'yomeichon_   
_uv'chayei d'chol beit Yisrael,_   
_baagala uviz'man kariv. V'im'ru: Amen.”_

Before she could begin the second stanza, she slipped off to sleep as she traced the jagged scar left by Ra’s on OIiver’s chest. It was still so smooth, not yet puckered and cruelly hard like so many of his older ones. The reassuring rise and fall of his chest was all she needed to relax and let go of consciousness.

_Felicity became aware of a gentle but insistent caress on her back. She opened her eyes and looked into two dark blue eyes. Oliver was a mere inch away from her, so close they were sharing the same breath. The intimacy they had created was so intense that for a moment she couldn’t move. All she could do was close her eyes and lose herself to the way his hands traveled over her body._

_She felt his lips on her neck as he found that one pulse point under her ear that would push her past reason and he licked and sucked and kissed it. She gripped his shoulders, holding onto him to keep from spinning off into the galaxy. She felt that mind numbing stretch as he eased his throbbing hard cock inside her and felt her body relax to welcome him into her._

_Before she could move her hips, she felt the scene change. She opened her eyes and they were in Thailand, huddled in the little cabin they had rented down by the beach. She remembered one night a storm had blown over the island they were on and as the thunder roared and the lightning flashed, they had had too much rum after dinner and made hard, sloppy love in the flashing light._

_She watched Oliver make dinner and knew what was to come and her body responded accordingly. She blinked and the storm was there and she was astride Oliver, moving her hips hard and fast in a punishing tempo. She came again and again as he thrusted inside her, crashing his pelvis into hers over and over. When he finally came, it was with a primal shout full of lust and desire. They slept to noon the next day and both were sore and bruised from the encounter._

_Just as she was about to find sleep within her dream, she turned her head and found herself in Positano. No, it was the Isle of Capri and she was standing in the small bedroom of the cottage Oliver had rented for them. She was watching them as they made love that first night. She watched Oliver as he moved in a soft, slow tempo. He had covered her with his body but had managed to keep his full weight off of her small frame._

_She loved watching his body as his muscled ripped and moved under his skin. In the silvery, cold moonlight, he was the sea outside, rolling, moving and washing over her. She remembered how he had moved so deeply inside her that night. Pushing her to new peaks of ecstasy, holding back his own release until she was close to begging him to stop because she couldn’t take any more._

_She reached out to her memory and tried to grasp it, pull it close, pull Oliver to her in a crushing embrace but the scene dissolved under her hand and then they were back in the desert, wrapped around each other after exploring each other’s bodies for what felt like hours. They were talking quietly about the sky. About all the things they had imagined but dare not speak of, about a life together._

_She turned away and walked into their suburban home in Ivy Town. A home that she could once and for all call her own. No matter what they were ignoring, this was their first home. She ran her hands over the desk and wondered who was living there now. Had she and Oliver left good memories behind to haunt the new owners? Could they sense the love and care that went into every room?_

_Felicity sat down on the steps that lead to her office in the loft above the living room and closed her eyes. Maybe if she let herself relax, she could bring some of these happy memories back with her to the present. Anything to offset the last six months._

_When she opened them again, she was in the loft in Star City. She watched herself come into her home and recognized the moment. It was after they had rescued Ray from Damien and she was about to go face the music with Oliver. She looked up and saw the soft, golden light of his bedside lamp and could see him, journal in hand, laying on the bed._

_She felt that familiar stirring in her blood. What happened after she apologized would forever be etched in her memory. Oliver had worshipped her body that night. The tenderness and love he had shown her, the way he made her feel after how she had behaved, had reached deep into her soul. She had cried after experiencing one of the most intense orgasms she had ever felt. They were tears of love, of joy, of feeling so undeserving of the way he loved her in that moment._

_Oliver had wrapped his arms around her and held her until the tears stopped, never once asking why she cried, just rocking her gently in a tender embrace until she slipped off to sleep. Felicity had thought she couldn’t love him anymore than she did in those quiet moments, but he continued to show her how endlessly, passionately and totally he loved her. Even as their world crumbled around them, his love shone like a beacon and it broke her heart that she could no longer follow it home._

_Felicity willed herself out of their shared space and found herself sitting in her office, staring out at the hidden courtyard. In a rush, it came to her what she should do to access it but before she could do it, the dream went dark and she tumbled down into healing sleep._

 

II

 

Felicity opened her eyes to a softly lit room. The sun was up but had yet to make its way fully over the mountains to the east of them. The cottage was surrounded by tall redwoods, so the filtered light that reached them grew fainter the closer it drew to the ground. She could smell the forest, a mix of cedar and and damp mossy earth, mix with the salty breeze of the ocean below and she felt more at home than she cared to admit. She felt the after glow of the dream she had shortly before waking and was happy Oliver wasn’t still beside her. She knew she would have sought his skin, his hands, his mouth had he still being in the bed.

She didn’t want to move. She was warm and comfortable and felt like she could sleep for a whole month and not have slept enough to make up for all that she had lost but she smelled the enticing aroma of coffee and inwardly groaned. Oliver was cooking breakfast and that could only mean one thing: eggs florentine.

She was contemplating getting out of bed when he carefully opened the bedroom door and came in with a tray loaded with food and coffee. She had been right, he had made her favourite, most likely from scratch, and had made coffee. He was determined to take care of her in the absence of her mother, who was still in Las Vegas with Quentin, and food was were he had no peer. She missed his cooking more than she cared to admit.

“You made eggs florentine,” she smiled sleepily.  
“I did,” he grinned as he blushed a rosy pink.  
“I don’t even remember falling asleep last night.”  
“You crashed pretty hard,” he agreed, “Sit up so I can put this down.”

Felicity moved so she could lean back against the headboard and crossed her legs. Oliver set the tray down and handed her a plate. She took a moment to just breathe in the different aromas and appreciate the care he had put into each part of the dish. She knew without asking that the hollandaise was homemade and that he had the scones she loved so dearly from the bakery by her office brought in. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling and then dug in.

Oliver was watching her carefully but she ignored him as she ate. She was starving and there was no way she was letting this breakfast get cold. Before she knew it, the plate was cleaned and she was leaning back with her coffee in hand. Oliver was chuckling softly as he finished his breakfast.

“I’m guessing you were hungry.”  
“Even if I wasn’t, I would have inhaled that food without a second thought.”  
“I’m glad,” he said quietly.  
“Thank you, Oliver. And before you say I don’t need to thank you for anything, I think in this instance, I do.”  
“Felicity, I…,” he started but stopped and sat back in thoughtful contemplation, “I would do anything for you.”  
“I know, Oliver,” she said sadly, “But I need to do the rest of this myself.”  
“I’m glad I could give you a night of unbroken sleep, if nothing else.”  
“You’ve done more than that. I think I can stand on my own now.”  
“You always could but sometimes it’s ok to accept a little kindness from those that love and care about you.”  
“So, what’s today going to bring?”  
“Well, we could head back to Star City or…,” he broke off and looked pointedly at the chair next to bed. Felicity followed his gaze and broke out into a wide grin.  
“A wet suit? Did you rent surfboards?” she asked excitedly.  
“I did.”  
“Give me 10 minutes.”

Oliver laughed and left the room to get changed into his own suit. She loved surfing even if she was terrible at it. They had tried it in Thailand and she missed the feel of the water and the way she felt so free when trying to stand on the board. She quickly washed her face, brushed her hair and teeth and worked her way into the insulated suit. The water would be cold but she was excited to get down to the beach.

“Ready?” she heard Oliver call.  
“Yup, just zipping up!” she answered.

She came out into the living room and watched Oliver as he stood out on the balcony, taking in the morning air. There was no escaping how truly handsome he was, how muscular and strong his body was in that suit. She had a sudden flash of him on the salmon ladder, fighting with Diggle in the training area of the lair, of how powerful he looked in his Green Arrow suit. She stopped by the kitchen and stared for a moment before clearing her throat to get his attention.

“How far is the hike down?” she asked, hoping like crazy that she wasn’t blushing as he walked towards her.  
“Not far,” he said evasively.

She narrowed her eyes and looked at him, knowing he was lying, and caught sight of how his eyes had darkened and his cheeks were turning pink. She followed his gaze and realized he was looking at her the same way she had just been looking at him. The wet suits would soon hide nothing from the imagination and she wondered what would happen then.

“Well, let’s go,” she said overly brightly.  
“Can you carry the towels?”  
“Yup. Are you going to carry both boards?”  
“They are waiting for us, I’m going to bring the cooler.”  
“Lunch?”  
“Treats. Now let’s get moving.”

The hike wasn’t as far as she thought, and she was grateful for the padded water shoes he had brought in for her. She reflected on the way he had thought of everything for what was just a couple of days and they were no longer together. He was doing this because he cared about her well being and that was it.

“The hike back up is going to suck,” she mused when they reached the beach. She had turned to look back up the trail and realized just how steep it was and how far they had come.  
“That’s why I brought treats,” he laughed, “We will definitely need fuel to get us back to the cabin.”

True to his word, the surfboards were waiting. They put down what they were carrying and headed out into the water. It was freezing and the waves were large but Felicity felt no fear. She dove in with her board and spent the rest of the morning wiping out more times than she was successful in standing up on the board. Oliver, of course, was able to surf without a second thought but she found herself laughing and screaming like a little kid as wiped out over and over again.

By the time she left the waves, dragging her surfboard behind her, Felicity was exhausted and hungry. She sat down on her towel and watched Oliver swim out into the advancing surf and ride the waves back to shore. He was so strong and sure of himself on the back of the board, something that surprised her in Thailand and here. His natural athleticism and general fearlessness shone through and she still enjoyed watching him play in the water.

He jogged over to her, his board under his arm and plopped down next to her. He was barely even breathing hard and she envied him his conditioning. She had been gasping like a fish out of water after struggling to drag her board back to their towels.

“Time for a snack?” he asked.  
“Oh my God, yes please!”

Laughing, Oliver opened up the cooler and handed her a bottle of water and a sandwich. Not just any sandwich but an Oliver Special. Avocado, roasted red pepper, alfalfa sprouts, real chicken and pesto aioli on rye. She remembered the first time he had made it for her on her first day back in Star City as CEO of Palmer Tech.

“You are really pulling out all the stops, Oliver,” she said between bites.  
“Well, this is my favourite combination of flavours,” he said, “You are just benefiting from my own selfish cravings.”  
“Well, lucky me,” she smiled.

They spent another couple of hours playing in the surf until the sun started to fall towards the horizon and the wind pushed the waves higher up the shore line. Oliver took their boards and walked them back to a shack where the resort kept them and they headed back up the path to their cabin. They were halfway up when her left calf began to cramp. The pain dropped her to the ground but Oliver was about fifty yards up higher and failed to hear her initial gasp of pain.

“Oliver!” she hissed as loudly as she could praying he could hear her over the creaking of the cedar trees in the wind, “Oliver!”

She had closed her eyes tight against the pain when she heard his footsteps come racing back down the trail. Felicity felt his hands on her leg as he eased it out straight in front of her and gently flexed her foot up and down to work the knot out.

“Breathe deep, Felicity, breathe deep,” he instructed softly, “Let me move your foot, don’t worry about trying to help, let me do it.”  
“Oh my God, OIiver,” she gasped as tears started to pour down her cheeks, “It hurts. It just hurts…”  
“Come on, lift your arms,” he said in a tight voice.

She complied and felt him lift her off the ground and start back up the trail at a quicker pace than she thought possible. He was almost running back to the cottage so she held on and listened to him softly whispering to her that it would be ok, that he knew exactly what to do. She knew he did, he had helped her in the past with similar injuries, but the pain in her leg was white hot and all she wanted to do was throw up.

“Ok, I’m going to put you in the bathroom. Can you get out of your wetsuit ok on your own?” he asked cautiously.  
“Yeah, I should be ok so long as i remain sitting.”  
“Ok, I’m going to sit you down on the tub ledge and get the water going. When you are out of your suit, just slip in and let the hot water do its work, ok?”

Felicity nodded and watched him get the tub going and leave the room. She felt a hollowness in her chest, that familiar sadness that had taken up residence in her heart, and wished that things were different between them. That the last six months were a bad nightmare that she could wake up from and call for him to come and sit with her while her muscles relaxed.

Resting her head back, she let the steam and heat do its job and soon, her leg no longer hurt and she was able to get up and walk on her own. She had no idea how long she had laid in the tub but it was long enough for the water to cool and the steam to condense and coat the mirror. Carefully, she stood up and exited the bath and dried herself off. Pulling on the fluffy terrycloth robe, she exited the bathroom and went in search of Oliver.

She found him reclining on the couch in his sweats and a hoodie, sound asleep. She smiled through her sadness at him and tried to slowly ease out of the living room to allow him a few moments rest. But, as always with him, he sensed her presence and woke up.

“Hey, you ok?” he mumbled.  
“I think so. My leg aches but the knot is gone. Thank you for carrying me up here.”  
“Well, I don’t think you could have finished the walk. Come and sit down,” he said as he sat up, “Stretch your leg out and let me massage it.”

Felicity was stunned by the invitation for half a second but sat down and stretched her leg out for him. Oliver knew how to work the lactic acid out and get the muscle to finally relax itself so that the ache finally left and she could flex her foot easily on her own. She let him massage her leg a little longer than necessary because of the familiarity of his touch. His hands were so strong but his gentleness with her brought her such comfort and peace that she didn’t want it to stop just yet.

“How does your leg feel?” he asked quietly.  
“It feels ok,” she said sleepily.  
“How about I order us some dinner and make you some tea?”  
“M’kay.”  
“Or how about a nap?”  
“Mmm…,” she murmured and fell asleep, lulled by his touch and the exertion of the day.

Distantly, she felt the fireplace hiss into life and the weight of a blanket being tucked in around her. Then all went black.

 

III

_Felicity felt warm water washing over her feet. For a moment she thought she was back on the Amalfi coast feeling the warm Mediterranean water wash over her feet. She instinctively took a deep breath, expecting to to smell the ocean and wisteria on the breeze, but instead she inhaled the acrid smell of smoke and felt the sting of hot rain on her face._

_She looked down in confusion and saw she was standing in the centre of the blast zone, getting soaked in the rain full of nuclear fallout and the puddle that was forming beneath her feet was the colour of blood. Oliver was nowhere to be seen and for that she was glad. He didn’t need to be here for this, not any more. He had helped her to uncover the way forward and she needed to do the rest of the journey on her own._

_Somewhere off near the horizon, she heard a howl begin to grow in volume and intensity. Whatever it was, it kicked up dust and debris and the wind propelled it forward, hurtling towards her like a hurricane. She shielded her eyes and waited for it to pass but it didn’t. It hovered around her, ripping at her clothes, tearing at her hair. It was like thousands of hands were grabbing her, spinning her around, pushing her towards a darkness that seemed to rise up out of the ground all around her._

_She felt a scream building in her chest as panic set in and began to lash out at the wind, at the hands that grabbed at her arms and spun her to the ground. She looked up at the sky, expecting to see a blood red sun searing its way through the fallout clouds, but all she saw was a growing darkness pushing down on her. All she could think was this is what the bomb must have looked like to the citizens of Havenrock as it fell to earth._

_The wail continued unabated all around her and before long, she added her voice to the chorus._

_“Felicity!” came an urgent voice through the din. She sank to the ground and covered her head, protecting it from the flying debris._

_“Felicity!” came the voice again._

_Blindly, she lashed out at the hands that pulled at her clothes. She knew the voice was guiding her to it but she couldn’t see out of the darkness that had now fully enveloped her. The voice was insistent, familiar, and full of concern._

_“Please...Felicity…” the voice came to her again only this time, it was full of a mournful sadness that pummeled at her harder than the debris in the wind._

_Standing up, she forced her way out of the circle of darkness she had fallen into and stood listening for the voice, to see if she could find where it was coming from. The howl of the wind died down and she heard it again. Calling to her softly from the horizon, she searched for the source and saw a softly glowing light. It beckoned her forward and she ran towards it in an attempt to escape the inky blackness behind her._

Felicity awoke, her throat raw from her nightmare, and saw Oliver as he knelt next to her on the floor. His eyes were wide, full of concern and fear, and she watched his chest rapidly rise and fall as he tried to breathe through his own anxiety.

“It was bad, wasn’t it?” she asked in croaking voice.

Oliver nodded silently. She watched tears threaten to spill down his cheeks and immediately reached out for him. Without a word, he gathered her in his arms and they held each other in an attempt to mutually provide a fleeting sense of comfort after her nightmare.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, “I never wanted you to see that.”  
“Don’t be sorry, just...tell me.”

And so she did. She told him about the dream she had the night before the came out, when she had stood with him in the centre of the blast. How his courage and kindness brought her to a place of healing she had no idea she could reach. She told him about the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole but how his voice called her home. No matter what, he seemed to be her guiding light, her beacon.

Silently, she wept as he thanked her for sharing all of that with him. How he would always be there for her, even when the days and nights were so dark she couldn’t see her way forward. He knew she was grieving but slowly letting go of the powerlessness and guilt was a step in the right direction.

Throughout their hushed conversation, Oliver held back his own regret and guilt and focused on her. She knew he was holding back and that he was not ready to open up his own well of hurt. It was a conversation that they would eventually have to have and it terrified her.

“So, dinner?” she asked quietly.  
“Ordered and almost here.”  
“What? No homemade pasta?” she teased gently.  
“Another day,” he chuckled.  
“We weren’t actually supposed to stay this long, were we?”  
“It was an option, not an absolute,” he said, “they are incredibly accommodating. Besides, there is a storm coming, so it isn’t safe to ride back.”  
“Is the Ducati under cover?”  
“Yup. I went out while you slept and made sure to secure it.”  
“I do so love that bike.”

They sat together in silence, listening to the wind grow in strength outside and watching the sun slowly disappear behind dark, grey clouds that hung low in the sky. A soft knock on the door pulled them back to the present and Oliver went to get their dinner. She heard the resort staff tell him to keep the trays inside, that they would pick them up in the morning. The storm that was rolling in was a powerful one and the staff would not be venturing out into it.

“So what did you get?”  
“Pizza.”  
“Really? Like, real pizza? Not some weird gluten free variety?”  
“Real pizza. With real mozzarella, pepperoni, and an actual crust.”  
“Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it over!”  
“One second!”

Oliver brought the pizza over, along with plates, napkins and wine glasses. Smartly, he had ordered a bottle of red wine to accompany the pizza. After the afternoon they had, it was a welcomed addition to their meal.

“So, I guess if the roads are clear we’ll be heading back in the morning?” she asked hesitantly.  
“If it is safe,” he answered. In response, the wind howled and a branch somewhere in the forest around them crashed to the ground.  
“Well, I guess that answers that,” she laughed.

The pizza was delicious and amazingly filling. Oliver turned the fireplace up and she refilled their wine glasses, equally dividing up what was left of the bottle between them. She could feel a spreading warmth in her arms and legs, that fuzzy feeling she got when the wine was good and she was having just a bit too much.

“Remember that time in Thailand when you had too much rum?” she asked mischievously.  
“Me? I distinctly remember you being the one to pass out on the beach.”  
“I did no such thing.”  
“I’ve got pictures.”  
“You told me you deleted those!”  
“As if.”  
“Oliver Jonas Queen.”  
“What? It’s called ‘ammo’!”

Their conversation that night took them to safe places where they could laugh and tease and not have to dig too deep below the surface. She was eternally grateful for every moment and wished that the storm would unleash its fury as they slept so that they would have to remain here over the weekend. She felt safe with Oliver and in this space even though her nightmares had followed her.

As the night wore on, they heard the first raindrops hit the the living room windows. Soon, the rain was pouring down and the temperature dropped in the room. Rubbing his arms, Oliver turned the fireplace up and covered them with a blanket. Not content to sit apart from him, Felicity moved so that she was directly beside him. When the thunder boomed, she jumped and Oliver immediately wrapped one arm around her.

“Does your room have a fireplace, too?” she asked in a small voice.  
“Nope, just your room and this one.”  
“You...you can sleep in my room. With me. It’s ok. The storm is pretty scary.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“I wouldn’t offer if not, Oliver. We both have storm sleeping issues.”  
“True.”  
“For my niceness, I think you should delete those pictures.”  
“I’ll sleep out here -OW!” he exclaimed as she poked him hard in the ribs.  
“One picture?”  
“One.”  
“Ok. Deal.”  
“I sure hope Raisa is ok with me deleting her picture.”

They spent the next hour talking about Oliver’s early Mayoral performance. He knew he was not doing the best job he could, given his nightly activities, but he hoped he wasn’t messing up too badly. With Thea coming back soon from her time away, he hoped he could convince her to join his staff and help with the day to day rigours of the job.

“I could help, too,” she offered, “It isn’t like I have a lot to do during the day anymore.”  
“You’ll get Palmer Tech back, I know it.”  
“Until then,” she shrugged, “let me help.”  
“Ok. We’ll get you on the payroll on Monday.”  
“I don’t need the money, Oliver.”  
“So you are willing to be my slave?”  
“We can start me at $50/hr. That is bargain.”

Oliver laughed and gently rubbed her arm. She was glad he couldn’t see her face because she was sure a flush was creeping up her neck. She was relaxed but very aware of him and the effect he was having on her. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing and focused on the sound of his heart beating so strongly in his chest. She felt herself slipping to sleep and made herself sit up.

“Well,” she said, “I am getting sleepy. I think I’ll go crawl into bed. I’ll turn on the fireplace.”  
“Ok, I’ll give you a few minutes to settle in,” he said softly.

She felt his eyes on her as she walked out of the living room and was grateful that the robe she still wore hid her shaking legs. She was inexplicably nervous as she thought about the night to come. Even though they were no longer together, the undercurrent of love and desire that flowed between them was still so overpoweringly strong that it left her breathless.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face in the master bathroom and wandered into the bedroom. Turning on the fireplace to a low setting, she waited for it to settle into a steady flame. The thunder boomed and the lightning flashed high above their cottage, startling her out of her reverie. Crossing over to the bed, she got out of her robe and crawled into bed and snuggled down into its soft depths.

It was only as Oliver entered the room, turning out the rest of the cottage’s lights as he did, that she realized she had gone into automatic pilot and not put anything on to sleep in. She sighed in relief when Oliver slipped between the sheets and duvet so that there was a barrier between them. Instinctively, she turned towards him and laid her hand on his arm.

“Goodnight, OIiver,” she said softly as her eyes closed.  
“Goodnight, Felicity,” he answered gently as sleep wrapped around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The section of Hebrew (the Mourning Kaddish) translates out to:
> 
> Exalted and hallowed be God's great name  
> in the world which God created, according to plan.  
> May God's majesty be revealed in the days of our lifetime  
> and the life of all Israel -- speedily, imminently, to which we say Amen.


	12. Interlude: Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Oliver's POV of the night following their surfing fun. There is some humour, some sadness, some sexiness and UST. Lots of UST. It gets sexy, in short.
> 
> They are moving towards something but both recognize the looming conversation about William that may be the one defining conversation for their relationship moving forward.
> 
> ***Note: I reference 2 fics that I have up. You don't have to read them but they are woven throughout this fic. Ghost of Jupiter parts 1 and 2***

_Chapter Twelve: Interlude Part Six_

_A tender touch_   
_Deep in his heart_   
_Broke him into pieces._

_I_

_Oliver was surprised at just how much they relaxed and enjoyed playing in the cold Pacific Northwest surf. He knew she was terrible at surfing, and sports in general, but listening to her shriek and laugh as the waves pushed her off the surfboard made his heart smile. For the few hours they were down by the ocean, all the pain and guilt of the past six months was forgotten._

_Watching her in her wetsuit was a challenge. He was a fond admirer of her body but in the ocean in that suit it was almost too much. He was incredibly grateful for the cold water for modesty’s sake. No one else was on the beach with them, thankfully, but he was careful to not look at her too long. She was gorgeous no matter what she wore._

_Everything was going well, better than he had expected if he were to be honest, when he heard her hiss his name on the path as they made their way back up to the cottage. He had unknowingly walked several metres ahead of her and at first missed her calling to him but something stopped him. He still wasn’t sure what it was, but he paused for just a moment and heard her soft, pain filled voice calling to him._

_She had collapsed on the trail, gripping her leg in writhing agony and was blindly weeping. He knew without asking that she had a cramp in her calf so he dropped to the ground in front of her and slowly began to work her foot up and down, loosening the muscle so that the knot could undo itself._

_Throughout it all, he spoke calmly and quietly to her. He reassured her that the pain would pass, she needed to trust him as he moved her foot. He encouraged her to breathe deeply and slowly, to calm herself so that her body would relax. Eventually, her body relaxed and he scooped her up, leaving the cooler off to the side of the path for him to come and get later, and ran back to their cottage._

_He was hesitant to leave her alone in the bathroom, but he had long ago lost the right to stay, help her undress and sit with her while she bathed. He ran the water and left the room, acutely aware of her eyes on his retreating back. To keep his mind off of her, he quickly ran back down the trail to get the cooler and came back in to change._

_Oliver sat down on the couch after turning on the fireplace and slipped into a fitful sleep. He was aware of every movement in the air around him and even though he was asleep, he sensed her near and immediately woke up. Without even thinking, he invited her to sit down so he could massage her leg, to make sure the knot was gone for good, and was surprised when she sat down and stretched her leg out for him._

_The robe she was wearing almost fell open but she managed to catch it before it did. His breath caught in his throat but he recovered quickly and gently massaging her calf. Neither one said a word and soon she was dropping off to sleep. He glanced up as her head fell onto the cushions bedside her and fought the urge to stretch out beside her._

_Instead, he carefully got up and covered her with the blanket he had been using and quietly left the living room. He knew he needed to check on the Ducati and order dinner but wanted to make sure she was safely asleep before leaving her alone. Something told him if he left, he couldn’t leave her for long. She presented such a calm exterior but underneath that facade, he knew she was in the grips of a soul crushing chaos._

_As he cleaned their wetsuits of sand and any ocean debris on the balcony, he heard her moan in terror in her sleep. Quickly laying the wetsuits out over the balcony railing, he rushed back inside and knelt down on the floor beside her. She was lost in another nightmare that seemed to have her paralyzed in absolute fear._

_He called to her, trying to pull her out and back to him but she resisted the sound of his voice. He was watching her unravel as she slept, witnessing her unmoor herself from the reality he was trying to create beneath her feet. He was gripping the edges of the couch cushion in an effort to keep himself from reaching out and shaking her awake._

_He knew from experience just how bad a decision that would be and so he waited. Every few minutes he would call to her, his voice becoming more and more insistent. Even after she wailed in terror, he sat beside her and waited. Never in his life had he done anything so difficult and painful. Watching the woman he loved suffer alone and in terror, a woman who he failed to protect, who he let down in every way possible, tore at his soul, rendering him inert and so sadly alone._

_Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she opened her eyes and immediately saw him. She knew, instinctively, that he had witnessed and heard her nightmare and sought to comfort him. When she opened her arms to him, he shattered, broke, dissolved into a million pieces that scattered on the wind._

_As they clung to each other, she finally accepted his request and opened up about her nightmares. She told him what she saw when she walked the horrorscape of her mind. She described the pain, the death, and the violence that the nuclear bomb brought to Havenrock. How nothing she could ever do would erase that she failed to stop hell from landing in the centre of the small city._

_But she also told him how during her greatest time of need, when she was struggling to find the centre of the nightmare, the physical place where she needed to be, he had been there waiting for her. She remembered that he had taken her hand, showed her that it was forgiveness she was seeking and guided her to the end into a state of grace she never thought attainable. Felicity took his hands in hers at this point and thanked him for everything he was doing for her. He hated it when she did that, but graciously accepted it from her this one time._

_When dinner arrived, so did the news that they were about to be hit by a massive ocean storm. Oliver brought in the wetsuits and asked the resort staff to let him know if he should move the Ducati. He had covered it and made sure to park it close to the main building but if need be, he would bring it inside. They reassure him that they would move it into the caretakers shed and not to worry, nothing would happen to his bike._

_The rest of the night was perfect. They both relaxed and talked about all the things they were concerned about: she talked about Palmer Tech and her mom while his biggest concern was Thea, his job as mayor and what to do the next day if they couldn’t travel safely. He was surprised when she offered to join his mayoral staff to help him run the city. He was more than willing to hire her on but he knew that once she was able to focus on regaining control of her company, she would do exactly that. His belief in her was endless._

_As the wind picked up outside and the lightning flashed, Felicity decided to head to bed. She was beginning to feel the exertion of the day spent free in the water and the very good wine he had ordered with dinner, and before she fell asleep with her head on his chest, she had pushed herself up and away._

_Even though she had invited him to sleep in the room with her, whether from fear of being alone or something other, he still felt the familiar emptiness flood through him when she left his embrace. He had grown accustomed to her absence in his arms, bed and life that even just the brief moments they spent in quiet repose were enough to reverberate through him with a deep, bone bruising frequency. He watched her leave the living room and head to her bedroom, giving her a five minute head start to get ready and into bed before joining her._

_As the thunder boomed, he slowly made his way through the cottage, locking the doors and turning off the lights. He stopped in front of the living room window and watched the sky come alive with electricity and sound, and counted the space between the flashes. As the storm drew closer, he switched the fireplace off and carefully made his way to her room._

_He heard the first of the rain start to hit the windows and was grateful she had turned on the gas fireplace across from the bed. The air was cold as the wind lashed at the cottage and somewhere in the distance he heard a branch crash to the forest floor. He decided to not crawl under all the covers but instead opted to just use the duvet to sleep under._

_He felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to sleep directly beside her given their history but he could feel butterflies in his stomach as though he were anticipating something to happen. He resolutely pushed those thoughts out of his mind and attempted to relax his mind and breathing so that he could sleep._

_Turning to face him, Felicity laid her hand on his arm and said goodnight. It was like a lullaby in physical form. All she needed to do was make contact with his skin and he relaxed into sleep almost immediately._

_He awoke after midnight, following a loud series of thunder claps, and listened to the wind outside as it whipped the rain against the sides of the cottage. Gradually, he became aware of Felicity’s arm across his torso and her head pressed tightly against his chest as though she had chased his heart beat to save her from the storm. She was soundly asleep but she had slipped into an old habit of pushing her hand under his shirt to make direct contact with his skin. His body was responding accordingly and inwardly he groaned. He had to somehow turn over without waking her or having her find out about his erection._

_He felt like a teeneager again, when his body would betray him at the worst possible time and this was absolutely one of them. He sensed a change in her breathing and felt her wake up. For a few minutes they both laid in silence, listening to the waves pound the shore below and the rain hammer the roof above._

_“Are you awake?” she asked softly._   
_“Yeah, the thunder woke me up.”_   
_“Same. It is so loud out here. It makes me wonder how we slept through it in Bali.”_   
_“That island...it cast quite the spell over us.”_   
_“Yes, it did,” she agreed._   
_“Are you warm enough?”_   
_“Yes, it feels nice having the fireplace going, even on a low setting.”_

_Oliver fell silent and felt the weight of unspoken words pressing down on his chest. He had been trying to figure out how to apologize to her for William and the lies he told to hide his existence even as others found out. He dug deep and after a particularly long thunder and lightning burst, he launched into what he hoped was would be an apology she would hear._

_“Felicity, I’m sorry...for not telling you about William when I found out he was for sure my son. I regret, every day, that I made decisions that would impact you and your life and our future without consulting you. Your council is something I value more than anyone else’s in this world and I am so sorry that I betrayed your trust,” he said in a voice just barely above a whisper._

_“I know, Oliver,” she said just as quietly, “I wish I could see past it but right now...right now I think we need to let that hurt tire itself out. Maybe we can revisit it later, when the pain is lessened.”_   
_“Ok, I just needed to get it out,” he said sadly._   
_“I know and I understand,” she said in a voice heavy with the weight of true desolation, “One day soon, ok?”_   
_“Ok,” he said pulling her closer into his side. It was then that he realized she was nude under the covers. He blinked rapidly, his breath caught in his throat and tried to figure out what to do._

_Should he offer her his shirt for her to sleep in? Should he excuse himself and leave to sleep in his own room? He felt like he was trapped in a bad spring break comedy movie. He was in bed with the only woman he would ever truly love but because of his lies he had destroyed their relationship and could no longer act on his desires._

_The air around them crackled and sparked with energy. It felt like a constant flow of static electricity across his skin and onto hers. He was certain that if the fireplace was off and the lightning would stop, that they would be able to see it glittering and moving over them. The heat from their bodies seemed to be increasing with each passing moment and his groin had started to ache as they lay there, connected by energy and touch._

_Felicity was tracing the tattoo on his torso from memory with her fingertips. She was completely lost in thought, staring at the fire as it burned low and steady across from them. He was slowly being lulled back to sleep by the tenderness of her touch. His nerve endings were humming under his skin as she shifted her hand and began to trace his Bratva tattoo._

_He sighed contentedly startling her back to the moment. Her hand stilled and then settled flat over his heart. Her body stiffened for just a second but a sudden increase in the fury of the storm caused them both to jump and seek the comforting weight of the other._

_“It’s the lightning,” she said quietly._   
_“Because…”_   
_“The flash. Not Barry as in ‘THE Flash’ but the fash of the lightning...not the speedforce, you know what I mean. It makes me think about…,” her voice trailed off and he became aware of a growing wet spot on his shirt from her tears. Instinctively, he began to to gently rub her back to reassure and calm her. He couldn’t pretend to know what she was going through but he would be damned if he was going to sit idly by and let her go through it alone._   
_“For me it’s the thunder,” he said tonelessly as he remembered the percussive effects as he was held prisoner in the ship. It would disoriented him and bruised his mind._   
_“We are quite a pair,” she laughed without humour._

_Oliver felt the damp spot on his shirt grow. He closed his eyes and waited to see if she would stop or keep talking. Having made the decision to be patient and wait to see what she would do before responding, he continued to rub and massage her back. He wanted to turn towards her and wrap her in his arms but instead he focused on the skylight, watched the lightning flash and waited for her to fall back asleep._

_“I think we might be stuck here tomorrow,” she murmured._   
_“It sounds like the forest is falling all around us,” he said sleepily._   
_“Do we have food?”_   
_“I was going to make pancakes in the morning.”_   
_“Banana?”_   
_“Pumpkin,” he smiled._

_She pulled herself closer to him, seeking the warmth of his body and the comfort of his arms. Felicity was no longer crying but he could feel the occasional hitch in her chest as she slowly regained control of her emotions._

_“I don’t have nightmares when you are here,” she said in such a mournful tone that he felt another piece of himself shatter and fade away._   
_“Good,” he said with forced happiness, “I think sleep is what you need on a lot of fronts. And more electrolytes. You shouldn’t be getting leg cramps like that.”_

_Felicity chuckled and settled back into absentmindedly tracing his Bratva tattoo which in turn lulled him into that space between sleep and wakefulness. He watched the air around them changed from the hiss of static electricity to a golden light that pulsed from his hypnotic state. Oliver ached to tell her that he loved her, to show her how deep that feeling went, but resigned himself to be content with what was happening now._

_“Oliver?”_   
_“Hmm?”_   
_“Why did you do all of this?”_   
_“Because you needed it.”_   
_“Needed what?”_   
_“Healing. Kindness. Forgiveness,” he murmured softly, “I felt like you were going to die if I didn’t do something.”_

_He felt her push herself up onto her elbow and look down on him. He turned his head to look at her and saw her luminous blue eyes, opened wide and brimming with tears, and felt wave after wave of grief and guilt pouring out of her. This is what he hoped would happen, that she would finally let go of some, if not all, of the emotions she had bottled up since the bomb dropped on Havenrock._

_With his free arm, he shifted just enough so that he could gently cup her face. Her tears began to fall and he immediately turned towards her and wrapped her in his arms. She buried her face in his chest and wept for what felt like hours._

_As the storm raged around them, Oliver quietly spoke to her of all the things she had done to save the world and how she had saved him by simply living and sharing her heart with him. He told her that her bravery inspired him to be a better person, to look hard at how he lived his life, to change the ways he treated those closest to him. When he wasn’t sure she could hear him over the thunder, he told her that he loved her with his whole heart and soul, that he always would. As the storm whipped loose branches against the side of the cottage, he quietly told her of his commitment to her, that he would do his best to never let her down or lie to her again._

_In the early hours of the morning, hours before dawn when the storm slowly began to ease, she slipped off to sleep. Oliver had shifted them enough that could hold her without his arms going numb and felt her relax into the contours of his body. Tenderly, he kissed the top of her head and finally allowed himself to fall asleep. Just being here by her side was enough._

_II_

_Oliver stirred just as the light began to change outside, signalling the start of a new day behind the heavy cloud cover. He lay quiet and still and tried to figure out what had woken him up. He didn’t have a memory of a nightmare and his body was completely relaxed. But his arms were empty leaving him with a hollowness in his heart._

_Felicity was sitting up watching the fire. The warm, orange glow washed over her, illuminating her skin, showing the new contours of her body from weeks of walking, and making her shine like a the sun. He wished that he had his phone nearby so he could take a picture and show her just how lovely she was to him in that moment._

_“Hey,” he called softly._   
_“Did I wake you?” she asked with concern, turning to look at him._   
_“Nope,” he lied. How could he tell her that without her next to him, he no longer slept? “Did you have another nightmare?”_   
_“No, I didn’t dream at all. I just...woke up.”_

_He remained quiet, sensing she had more to say._

_“I woke up thinking...about what I could have done differently,” she continues softly, “Should I have contacted my father sooner? Should I have sacrificed Connor? I felt nothing when he died, Oliver. What kind of a person does that make me?”_   
_“Felicity...Connor was a dead the moment Damien contacted him. Nothing you could have done was going to save him but you...you convinced him to help you save the world.”_   
_“So many paid such a high price,” she said sadly._   
_“Remember when we returned to Star City? And you had to let all those people go?”_   
_“How could I forget? That was soul destroying.”_   
_“But you got through it. You figured out how to save the company and the livelihoods of all those people. Felicity, nothing in the life we lead will ever be easy. We have both sacrificed so much to keep everyone we love safe from harm,” he said with as much sincerity that he could muster._   
_“We have lost everything at one time or another,” she said softly and he knew she was talking about them._

_He wished the bed would swallowing him whole, all he wanted to do was disappear to escape the descending feeling of loneliness and melancholy that threatened to envelop him. It was like she sensed the sorrow that surrounded him and instinctively sought him out._

_The sky darkened as the storm regrouped and gathered strength, the thunder started to rumble and the lightning flashed, shaking the cottage with their power. He felt her press a soft kiss to his chest, just above his heart and heard her sigh. Oliver closed his eyes focused on his breathing, practising the trick Yao Fe had taught him so many years ago to regain control of his senses._

_“What are we doing, Oliver?”_   
_“Sleeping?” he answered. He was rewarded with a small laugh from her._   
_“You know what I mean.”_   
_“I do. And I think you know, you just want me to say it.”_   
_“Will you?”_   
_“Not yet.”_

_Not yet, he thought as he trailed his fingertips up and down her spine._   
_Not yet, as he remembered the way she wept earlier that morning, as though her grief was endless._   
_Not yet, he thought as he felt the weight of the lies he told in an act of self-preservation._

_Felicity raised her head and looked at him. He felt the power behind her searching gaze and marveled at the enormity of her heart and capacity to care how he was doing. She laid her hand on his cheek and gently stroked his face. He stopped breathing, not wanting to disrupt the moment. He watched her eyes fill with sorrow as she withdrew her hand._

_He acted without thinking by reaching for her retreating hand and bringing it up to his lips. He kissed the inside of her wrist, like he used to do so many months ago and heard her sharp intake of breath. Oliver had expected her to take her hand away and ask him to leave but she didn’t. She stayed._

_She stayed, he thought, as the current of energy between them almost ignited the room. What are we really doing? Do we care?_

_With a small sigh, she laid her head down on his chest and let her hand drift up his shirt again. It was like his skin was somehow keeping her stable and calm. The feel of him centred her and he gladly permitted it even as it stirred the fire in his blood._

_With the smell of her body wash, coconut and frangipani, filling his senses in the dark pre-dawn light Oliver slipped off to sleep and immediately slipped into his dreamworld. It was here that the fire in his blood held sway over what he was seeing and feeling._

_He opened his eyes and watched Felicity rise above him, his cock buried deep within her, as she slowly move her hips in an ever changing circular pattern. They were in the desert, camped on the edge of a canyon edge, making their way to Mesa Verde on a hike that eventually took them into the heavens. His hands reached for her as he watched a swirl of of galaxies form behind her head. She was a Goddess that night, in full command of his body and hers, and he almost wept as he came inside her in a series of uneven thrusts._

_He blinked and recognized Felicity’s apartment. It was the night before they left on their four month long vacation around the world. At first they had been so awkward and hesitant with each other but the moment their lips touched, it was like nothing else mattered. It was one of only a handful of times where he was unable to hold back his release until she had reached hers. Her touch that night set his soul on fire._

_Oliver turned his head and watched himself cross a room that at first was unfamiliar. When he stepped outside of the room he was in he knew immediately where he was based on the suffocating heat. Bali was the place they discovered the power of the Kundalini. That fire serpent that resided, coiled and ready, at the base of their spines. When his desire for her went unchecked, that fire could consume them both._

_It almost did the second night they were on the tropical, Indian Ocean Island. He had been relentless in his love making and pursuit of her pleasure. For the first time they both had bruises on delicate parts of their bodies. It was then that they talked about consent and permission. He had never had a conversation like that with anyone he had slept with and her honesty and trust in him in that moment had filled him with awe and love._

_He made his way down the stone steps and rounded the corner that would take him to the beach they had sole use of and walked out onto a rocky outcrop that overlooked the insanely blue waters of the Isle of Capri. Southern Italy had been a blessing to them both but there was one night in particular that shone like a spotlight in his memory._

_He paused and looked out over the calm Mediterranean Sea as it lapped gently into the grotto he was standing over. If he focused hard enough maybe he could bring that night from the past to the present and relive the gentle beauty of it here as he dreamed._

_Slowly, the memory took shape. The sun setting behind him became the moon as it rose, a sliver of pale yellow in an endless black sky. The water receded and he was standing on the ancient stone floor of the bedroom in the villa high up on the cliffs above the grotto watching himself make love to Felicity. He had pushed her that night, he had sent her headlong through one orgasm after another until she was ready to beg him to stop._

_He felt his heart open to her through those acts of love and continued to show her how erotic pleasure was a conduit for joy. Even as they attempted to shower he was unable to stop himself from exploring the velvet softness of her skin and when she came it was with such force he had to help her to the stone bench to sit down._

_Even in his dream he could taste her on his tongue and feel the way her body was able to stretch and shift to accommodate him. The way she was able to use the strength of her core to clamp down around him, setting off a chain reaction of ecstasy, was something he would never forget. The first time he became aware of her ability to do that had caused him to come quickly with a primal growl that sent her reeling through her own orgasm._

_With no warning he was in the bunker, looking at the cot that was now his home. He felt the world tilt and spin the wrong way on its axis. With one lie after another he had made a mockery of her trust and faith in him, something he never thought possible, and now he was back at the beginning. Alone and empty, searching for something to fill that blank space inside his heart._

_He sat on the edge of the makeshift bed and thought of they had lost and knew that time was what they needed. Time to heal, to forgive, to look around and learn how to not fall apart when no one was watching. All he could do was show her over and over he was sincere in his promise to be a better man. He simply loved her too much to not try._

_Oliver rolled over and slowly rejoined the day. Somehow in the few hours that they had both fallen asleep, she had turned away from him and migrated to the centre of the bed. He could tell by her breathing that she was still deeply asleep. Turning towards her, he put one arm around her waist and waited. Within a few minutes at most she pulled at him, urging him closer, and he gladly acquiesced._

_Finding the right spot, Oliver eased in behind her and sighed. If they had to stay another night, he was going to stay in his own room. He wouldn’t be able to physically handle another night of this, of her closeness, her unconscious need to touch him. He felt physically anchored when he held her and that was something he needed to learn how to do for himself. Until then, he would hold her until she was her own anchor._

_Regardless of circumstance, he was in love with her and would never let her drift away. He closed his eyes and listened to the howling wind and driving rain and smiled. It looked like they would be spending one more night in the cottage. Maybe it was time to name what they were doing and let come what may. There was something looming between them and if they needed to fight to get past it, then here was as good a place as any._


	13. We All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Felicity's moment. She has a small but significant breakthrough that shatters her, but allows her to start picking up the pieces of her soul once and for all. Plus she and Oliver have a series of conversations that at first show the wedge between them, but ultimately bring them closer together.
> 
> There is a small nod to Parks and Recreation and LOADS of UST.  
> I make no apologies. I just feel bad for Oliver lol

  **We All Fall Down**

_She stumbled into the light_   
_Clothes torn and dirty_   
_But she was reborn._

_I_

_Felicity was distantly aware of Oliver’s arm around her waist and his broad, strong chest pressed against her back. It was morning but the light was still dark as the storm had stalled above them, throwing thunder and lightning at the cottage and surrounding area. She slipped back to sleep and crossed the boundary from awareness to dream in a single breath._

_Opening her eyes, she saw that she was in the inaccessible courtyard located in the centre of the offices she was using as a home base. At first she was confused. How did she get in here? Was there a door? She looked around and saw no door or opening for her to use to enter or leave the space._

_Peering through one of the large plate glass windows, she tried to see if anyone was in her office. She wasn’t overly concerned, as she could probably find a rock to break the window but there might be a way for someone to assist her without destroying anything._

_A muffled voice came through to her and she went from window to window trying to locate the source. She spied a shadow crossing the floor and saw Oliver enter her office. He was looking for her and calling her name._

_“Oliver!” she called from behind the window, “Oliver! I am right here!”_

_But he didn’t hear her. He walked all the way through the space, in and out of empty rooms checking for her, and she called and called to him to no avail. Finally, he came and sat down on the couch she had set up so she could sit and look at the courtyard. It was a meditative space that she used when she was tired or overwhelmed. It felt safe and peaceful on stormy days. She went up to the window and knocked softly on it, silently begging for him to see her._

_She pressed her forehead to the glass and whispered, “Please see me. I need to get out of here.”_

_When she looked up, he was standing directly in front of her, his hand resting on the glass near where she was touching it with her head. He was staring out into the courtyard with a look of deep concern. He was peering at the stone fountain that stood in the centre of the space. She followed his gaze and saw that she had left her phone on the lower ledge._

_She knew he couldn’t see her but she stared at him anyways. She looked at the way his brow was furrowed, how his blue eyes were darkened in concern. Felicity loved to look at the lines on his face and the tiny scars left behind from fights over the years. He was weathered but still so beautiful._

_Oliver turned on his heel and crossed the floor to the hidden elevator. Within a blink of an eye, he was gone. Felicity let her knees fold and she sank helplessly to the ground. Somehow she was going to have to figure out how to free herself since Oliver could not see her. But for the moment, she sat leaning against the window and watched a bumble bee float between different bunches of flowers. She saw dahlias, daisies and petunias growing around the edge of the space._

_There must have been a real garden here at some point, she thought, a garden someone tended until it was walled off._

_She felt the window shake behind her. It was vibrating every few seconds as though something heavy was hitting the wall next to it. She looked around the courtyard and saw that all the windows were vibrating and she could hear something striking the wall opposite the fountain._

_Peering inside, she saw that Oliver had returned with his biggest sledgehammer and had stripped down out of his suit jacket and shirt and was trying to knock a hole in the wall. He couldn’t see her yet but he knew she was trapped inside._

_The frustration she felt at needing to be rescued rose up in her chest and she felt tears of helplessness prick at the corner of her eyes. She didn’t want to be rescued. She wanted to find a way out of this place on her own. But the windows were thick and she couldn’t find anything on the garden floor that could break through._

_She hit the window with the flat of her hand between the sledgehammer strikes on the wall. She hit harder and harder, until she balled up her fists, raised her head up to the sky and started to scream out her frustration as she beat the window. She lost herself to her rage and frustration and failed to see that Oliver was now standing in front of her, yelling her name over and over while striking the window from the other side._

_He could see her. At long last, he could see her._

“Felicity!” Oliver called.

She opened her eyes and found herself tangled in her sheets. She had managed to turn herself completely around to face Oliver, who was watching her with fear and concern in his eyes. She felt trapped by the bed, by her nightmares, by her continual need to be near him. She needed to break free but something was still standing in her way and she had no idea what it was.

“I’m ok, I’m ok,” she said quickly in the hopes of calming him and herself even as her heart raced in her chest.

“I’ve never heard you like that before,” he said in a voice so shaky, she immediately pulled him into an embrace. Her instinct was always to comfort him, to take care of him in some way when their emotions ran too high or he was hurt in some fashion. She had yet to fully understand how to untangle herself from him and it was starting to fray her around the edges.

She was frustrated with herself and him but not because she was upset that her immediate response to his fear was to comfort him. She was frustrated that she had invited him into her bed, the oldest trope in the world, and had to maintain an emotional distance she no longer wanted but could see no way cross. She felt like she was painted into a corner, surrounded by paint that refused to dry.

She closed her eyes but all she saw were his lips and she missed the way they felt on hers, the gentle way he would brush them down her neck, his scruff rasping against her delicate skin. Her entire body was beginning to respond to his closeness. She could feel the kinetic energy as it jumped and sizzled between them. It was like when they were in Bali, that fire that coursed through them had a life of its own and she could feel the heat of it in her blood begin to rise.

“So, pancakes…?” she asked in a shaky voice.  
“Pumpkin pancakes.”  
“You brought maple syrup, too, didn’t you?”  
“I did.”  
“I think you need to get up and make us some breakfast.”  
“Tell me why you were screaming,” he said in a voice that held no room for compromise.  
“I was trapped,” she said quietly with a weary sigh, “in that courtyard above the bunker and you...you were there but you couldn’t see me but you seemed to think I was there so you started to bust the wall down, but it wasn’t until I started to scream that you could see me.”  
“Did I get you out?”  
“No. I think I was supposed to get myself free. I woke up before I could figure out how.”

Oliver looked up at her, studying her face carefully with a peculiar look on his face. His eyes, in the dim morning light, where a stormy navy blue. They were the colour of the sky right before a thunderstorm and she had to stop herself from getting lost in his gaze. Their faces were so close she could feel his breath on her cheek. Inadvertently, her eyes were drawn to his mouth and she felt a flush rise up her neck. She needed to get away from him before they crossed a line they could never come back from.

“So...pancakes?” she murmured.  
“Pancakes, yes, I’ll go make some,” he said quietly but didn’t move. She had no idea how much time passed as they gazed into each other’s eyes. She felt like she was in a whirlpool, cycling down to the bottom, and she needed to come up for air.

Just then the cottage’s phone rang and broke the spell they seemed to be under. Oliver untangled himself from her arms and the duvet and ran from the room. As soon as she heard him say hello, she let out a huge sigh of relief. If he had stayed one more minute, they would not have left the bed for a very long time.

Getting up, she grabbed her clothes and headed into the bathroom for a quick shower and brushed her teeth. She had nothing with her but her glasses, so she was grateful that the resort had provided everything else. Personal hygiene was an absolute must for her.

By the time she rejoined Oliver in the living room, he was setting out coffee cups and cutlery. She could smell the wonderful aroma of coffee and pancakes and her stomach began to rumble in response to it. Oliver was such a good cook, he really did miss his calling. But being a superhero wasn’t such a bad trade off when she thought about it in a big picture kind of way.

“That was the resort,” he said as he set down a steaming mug of coffee in front of her.  
“What did they want?”  
“Nothing, they just wanted to advise that the highway back to Star City is closed. It washed out in a flash flood. So we are here for at least another night or two.”  
“Oh! Ok,” she said, her mind racing, “I really need a change of clothes. Don’t they have a gift store that sells yoga and spa stuff?”  
“They do. I could use a change of shirt myself. They are also going to give us some food for the next couple of days.”  
“That is really generous of them. They are really being so thoughtful and kind.”  
“I’ll tip them well. They are giving us a satellite phone as well since the wifi and local telephone network is down.”  
“The storm must have been massive.”  
“Yeah, and it might have a little sister following it.”  
“So ANOTHER storm?”  
“Yup.”

Felicity felt the familiar shiver of anxiety and pushed it down as he left the room to get their breakfast. She had no doubt that she would pull him back into her bed as her safe harbour should another storm arrive. Her room was warm and sheltered from the storm whereas his faced an open space that offered no protection. His fear of storms ran so much deeper than hers, there was no way she could leave him at its mercy.

“Here you go,” he said proudly, “Pumpkin pancakes a la Oliver with maple butter and cinnamon maple syrup.”  
“Oh my God, Oliver,” she breathed, “this smells amazing. Where’s your plate?”  
“I’m going to eat later. Dig in,” he invited.

And so she did. Between bites they talked about what they could do during the day considering the way the storm had wrecked the paths for hiking and the ground was soggy and dangerous nearer the cliffsides.

Felicity was happy to just watch movies all day but she could tell Oliver was starting to hum with unspent energy. He was so well trained, so conditioned, that unless he moved and did something physical he was at risk of vibrating out of his skin.

“How about after breakfast, we go for a walk?” she suggested, “We can check on the bike, maybe wander down the road a bit?”  
“Felicity, I need to go for a run,” he said apologetically.  
She burst out laughing and said, “Go! Do it! I’ll check on the bike and pick us up some clothes. Sound good?”

He beamed a smile at her and nodded. Her heart skipped a beat and it was all she could do to not lean over and kiss him. Instead, she returned her attention to the plate in front of her and ate with abandon. His pancakes were a gift from the Gods and Goddesses. Every ingredient was perfectly balanced with all the others and no two mouthfuls were the same.

“Oliver, that was divine.”  
‘“I’m glad you liked it.”  
“You couldn’t tell as I inhaled that stack?” she laughed.  
“I wasn’t going to comment,” he said with his hands raised in surrender which only made her laugh more.  
“You better go for you run before I make you make me more.”  
“Hey now, I only have enough batter left to make ME some more after my run.”  
“Are you going to run a marathon?”  
“No, just 5 or 6 miles.”

Felicity shook her head in disbelief. If she ran five or six metres she was winded. Oliver was a machine. She wished him well and watched him leave. He would only be gone an hour or so, which still amazed her, and they really needed new clothes. Putting on her shoes, she headed out into the windy day and went in search of the gift shop.

 

II

Oliver still wasn’t back by the time she returned but she hadn’t expect him to be. She had a feeling he was going to run more than five or six miles, so she took her time browsing in the gift shop and checking on the Ducati. The resort staff had thoughtfully put it in the caretakers shed overnight and kept it safe. They would do the same this evening as soon as the caretaker was done for the day.

The second storm that was coming was going to be larger than the one that had just passed them. The resort staff gave her candles, matches, extra blankets and two raincoats just in case. She bought herself some underwear, a couple of shirts and a pair of sweats and lighter yoga pants. She bought Oliver men’s versions of what she bought for herself, minus the yoga pants. The thought of him in anything that tight send shivers down her spine.

While he was gone, she cleaned up, got changed and laid out everything else. She kept the candles, lovely large scented ones from the boutique part of the spa, and matches together and left the blankets on the couch. She ventured out onto the balcony with another cup of coffee and waited for Oliver to return.

 _Oh God_ , she thought suddenly, _he is going to hot and sweaty. This isn’t fair! I need to focus on something else!_

The sound of the waves, crashing and pounding the shore far below, was hypnotic and soon she found her thoughts drifting to the nightmare that had woken her that morning. It had been a strange one. It wasn’t full of fear just frustration and anger. There was a reason Oliver couldn’t see her until she all but shattered the window with her hand. It was like she was screaming at the one thing that stood between them and as soon as he saw it, he could hear her.

She listened to the birds singing in the trees around her and the occasional snap of a branch as it fell to the forest floor. The wind was picking up and it brought with it the salty smell of an ocean rain. It was as an eagle cried out overhead that it came to her.

The one thing that they had yet to discuss in depth, the subject of his apology last night, was William. She felt her stomach drop and a flood of sorrow with that realization. William. His son. The one thing that he should have told her about, the one thing he never should have hid or lied about, was the cause of her dream. He had failed to treat her as an equal partner. He hadn’t trusted her and her ability to support him. Instead, he ran from it and her and retreated deep behind his own walls and pushed her out and away, isolating her from both William and himself.

She wasn’t prepared for that conversation. Not with the weight of Havenrock still pushing her under. All at once, she felt defeated. No matter how much she loved Oliver, and she did with all that she had and all that she was, she had yet to truly forgive him. Would that set her free? Was that what she needed to do in order to break through this impasse?

She sat staring, completely oblivious of the passage of time, and failed to hear Oliver come back into the cottage. The next thing she knew, he was touching her shoulder trying to bring her back to the present, and she looked up into his eyes which were full of concern and poorly masked love.

“How was your run?” she asked quickly.  
“Wet. The roads are a mess. They weren’t kidding when they said the road was washed out by the way.”  
“Is it gone?”  
“Yup. But there is a crew out there getting it ready to be repaired.”  
“How long do you think it will take for them to get it fixed?”  
“At least two days.”  
“Well, I got us some clothes.”  
“I saw. Thank you,” he smiled.  
“Don’t thank me yet. I may have gotten the wrong size,” she laughed.  
“I saw all the candles and blankets, what’s up with that?”  
“The storm you called a little sister? Well, she is the main event.”  
“Oh. Oh shit.”  
“Yeah, it is going to be here soon.”  
“I’ll put the food away and shower. Movie?”  
“Movie.”

With the afternoon settled, she helped put the food the resort had given them away and finished the dishes so that he would only have the pan and his plate to clean. It was the least she could do considering she absolutely could not cook. She shuddered when she thought about the damage she could do to the pancakes if she tried to make them.

“The shirt fits fine,” he said as he rejoined her, “even the sweats fit. You guessed good.”  
“Well, that’s a relief,” she fake sighed as she turned to see for herself. The sweats fit his frame perfectly but the shirt was another story. It was snug across his chest and hugged his torso. She found herself unable to look away and felt a blush rising up her neck.  
“I even like the colour,” he said in a voice that held a hint of huskiness as he pretended to not notice her reaction to his impromptu fashion show, “It is heather, right?”  
“It is!” she said in surprise, “Very nice, very nice!”  
“Ok, don’t go overboard,” he laughed, “Now move, I need to eat.”

Felicity laughed her way out of the kitchen and made her way to the couch. The wind was starting to scream through the seams in the walls and she felt a chill in the air. Turning on the fireplace, she located the tv’s remote and flipped through the channels to find the Pay Per View. There must be a movie on they could watch somewhere.

Oliver had just joined her, with a stack of pancakes almost as tall as she was, when the power popped and went out. Luckily the fireplace, being gas, continued to flicker and share its warmth with them. Felicity groaned inwardly. Without something to distract them, all they had was each other and the way they had just looked at each other had her worried.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Oliver said out loud.  
“At least you got your pancakes made,” she said helpfully.  
“True. Speaking of which,” he said as he began to eat.  
“The sky is getting dark,” she commented as she watched the dark clouds writhe and boil as though they were alive.  
“I think we might need to get away from these big windows soon,” Oliver said cautiously.  
“I think you might be right.”  
“So what had you so lost in thought on the balcony?” he asked between bites.  
“A lot of things,” she said evasively. She felt Oliver’s eyes on her and kept her own on the fire as it flickered and glowed.  
“Uh huh.”  
“Oliver, just be patient with me, ok?”

He remained silent as he continued to devour his stack of pancakes. When he went for long runs, he ate like his stomach was the size of his entire body. It always surprised her how much he could actually eat when he was done working out or running.

“The Ducati is safe,” she volunteered, “I went and checked on it.”  
“Thanks, I completely forgot,” he admitted sheepishly.  
“Tsk tsk, My. Queen.”  
“Shut it, Smoak,” he teased.  
“So, no power...want to play cards?”  
“With you? The card shark? Do I look like I was born yesterday? Do not answer that.”  
“I can’t cheat at War!” she laughed.  
“Ok, I’ll think about it,” he said as he finished his meal.

Felicity sat back feeling content. Maybe now was the time to have the conversation that they needed to have, she wanted to stop running from him and finally completely forgive him. He wasn’t the same man who lied to her but they had a few things left to air out.

Oliver got up and dropped his plate off in the kitchen and as he came back into the room, the storm unleashed above them. The thunder boomed so loud, Felicity could feel it in her chest. It pounded at her, reverberating inside her body as though she were a drum being struck. She looked up and saw Oliver freeze mid step. His eyes were open wide in fear and she knew if she called out to him, he would be deaf to her voice.

Cautiously, she approached him, calling to him in her gentlest voice. With just her fingertips, she stroked his arms with a featherlight graze and waited for him to respond. Her soft touch broke the spell and he looked down at her, startled that she was in front of him. Just as he was about to speak, the lightning arrived and flashed and crackled so close Felicity was sure she could smell ozone on the wind. She gripped his arm and felt her knees give way as it triggered an image from one of her worst nightmares about Havenrock.

Oliver reacted faster than her eyes could see. She felt sure she was on her way to the floor but he caught her and walked back to the couch with her in his arms. He was holding onto her like she was the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth. When he sat down, he kept her angled across his lap so that he cradled her and buried his face in her neck. She wasn’t sure if he was seeking or giving comfort but she wrapped her arms around him and did the same. The lightning was too close and the thunder too loud. They rode it out together, sheltering each other from the onslaught.

“That came on faster than I thought it would,” she said, her voice muffled by his shirt.  
“That was...intense.”  
“It is so dark,” she said in wonder as she looked towards the living room window.  
“The clouds must be deep,” he mused.

The rain finally came and lashed against the window. They both stiffened at the sound and without saying anything, OIiver grabbed one of the heavy woolen blankets the resort had given Felicity and still with her in his arms, got up and made his way to her room.

“What...what are you doing?” she asked cautiously.  
“We are not sitting in front of that window and my room doesn’t have a fireplace,” he said matter-of-factly.

Felicity laughed. He was correct but still, it was amusing to her that he would just assume that this was the ok thing to do.

“You better get back out there and grab the candles and a deck of cards,” she teased, “Oh and turn off the other fireplace, just in case.”  
“Yes, ma’am,” he said smarty and then, after putting her on the bed, did as told.

The storm outside continued to rage but they created a pocket of calm in her room with the fire going and the candles providing a warm golden light. She taught him the tricks of blackjack, how to bet while playing poker and finally lost completely to him in a ruthless game of War. They laughed until tears streamed down their faces and forgot completely that nature was attempting to rip the world apart just a few feet outside the bedroom walls.

“You are scary good at counting cards,” he said.  
“I am a child of Vegas.”  
“That you are,” he began just as there was a loud crack outside that caused them both to jump. They looked at each other with wide eyes and waited to see what would happen.

The thunder that followed the lightning strike was so loud, Felicity almost screamed. Oliver grabbed the blanket he had brought in and covered them both. He used his strength to shift them so that they were side by side. She could feel his hot breath on her neck and it distracted her from the flashes of lightning outside.

All at once she was overcome with an anguish that punched its way out of her. Before she could stop herself, she started to speak.

“Oliver, why did you leave me all alone after I was shot?” she asked as tears once again threatened to spill down her cheeks.  
“I don’t know,” he said sadly. She could feel the guilt he carried in him, it vibrated under his skin like an earthquake.  
“I was so scared,” she murmured.  
“You were so brave though, I never…,” he stopped speaking when she stiffened in his arms.  
“I was terrified but I am good at hiding that kind of emotion,” she offered in a voice flat and dead.  
“I am so sorry. I...I just felt cornered,” he said softly, “like if I didn’t, I would be denied a relationship with William.”  
“I searched the rolls of Havenrock’s dead for William and Samantha,” she said after a moment of silence.  
“You did what?” he asked in sudden alarm.  
“I looked for them. I thought...I thought maybe I might be responsible for the death of your son and his mother.”  
“Felicity…,” he trailed off, speechless and heartbroken.  
“I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had caused their deaths.”

Oliver flung the blanket back and broke free from her embrace so he could see her face. She refused to meet his eyes and focused on the fireplace instead. Eventually, he turned and faced away from her, his head in his hands. She got concerned when a few minutes passed and he remained in that position.

“Oliver?” she questioned.  
“I knew there was something more to your looking and memorizing Havenrock names.”  
“You knew I was doing that?” she asked in surprise.  
“Yeah. But Felicity...I don’t even have words for this. Sorry just doesn’t cut it. I just have nothing to offer to counter that.”  
“You don’t need to say anything.”  
“But I do. I betrayed your trust and our relationship and you…,” he fell silent as he struggled to find words to convey just what he was feeling.  
“I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if something I did took them away from you,” her voice shook with emotion as she spoke, but she needed him to hear her, “But at the same time, they had already taken you from me.”  
“That’s not true, Felicity.”

That comment, of all the things he could have said, enraged her. She found herself falling headlong into a fury that had been burning a hole in her for far too long. How dare he say that wasn’t true? She watched him fade from her life with lies and half truths just when she needed him the most and he had the nerve to say it wasn’t true? It was like the sun died when she found out the lengths he had gone to in order to hide William from her. Her whole world exploded that day leaving her with nothing but the memory of what his love could have been.

“How. Dare. You.” she spat in a fearsome rage.  
“What?” he turned to look at her and saw her eyes shining with rage.  
“How dare you say it isn’t true that you were already gone from me. You LEFT me alone and went to see a son you refused to tell me about all because his MOTHER forbade you. Have you never heard of lawyers? Of custody agreements? I know you have, so don’t even start. You LEFT me alone when I was newly paralysed. You LEFT me alone to recover after a series of surgeries that were supposed to heal me. You left ME,” she felt tears sliding down her cheeks. She was so angry in that moment that all she could do was cry.  
“I felt like I had no choice, Felicity. I felt like no matter what I did, I was not going to win,” he said helplessly.  
“So you lost me and your son all in one fell swoop. If you had confided in me, trusted me like you professed to, you wouldn’t have lost me. Not for a second.”  
“I know,” he said quietly, “And I want to fix this more than anything in this world. I just don’t know how. I have been hoping that I could show you I am not that man anymore and it might...help.”  
“Oliver, it isn’t about you fixing this or changing into a new person, it is about me working through the hurt of being abandoned, excluded and lied to. Add to that the nuclear bomb...”  
“Do you really think you can handle all of that alone?”  
“I honestly don’t know. I think so but this was the first time I have had to get really angry. I’ve been lost in the flood,” she said sadly as the rage in her blood cooled and left her.  
“I was hoping this trip would help.”  
“It has,” she insisted, “I feel lighter but Oliver, that hurt is going to take time to heal.”  
“Felicity,” he said, turning back to her and taking her hands in his own, “I can’t go back and change anything, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure your future holds only the best things possible. Your presence in my life, in any form, has brought me the only comfort and peace I have ever truly known. You are everything to me.”

Felicity studied him for a few minutes until he had to look away from her unflinching gaze. He had said other things to her in the past that had caused her to pause and look at him in wonder but the sincerity in his voice pushed at her heart. She believed him. She actually believed him.

“I...I believe you, Oliver. I just...I guess I’m tired. I haven’t really slept since Havenrock. How about a nap?” she suggested, “The storm is not letting up and all of that anger is making me feel sleepy.”  
“Ok,” he smiled ruefully, “You know, that is the first time I have heard you say the name.”  
“I convinced myself that if I didn’t say the name, I could start to forget. Funny how that didn’t work,” she laughed without humour, “Are you cold? I am cold! I’m glad they gave us extra blankets.”  
“Do you want me to turn the fire up?”  
“No, I think you are set on Blast Furnace Hot, we should be ok.”

Oliver laughed and laid back on the bed. She looked down at him for just a moment and followed suit. She got comfortable with her head on his chest and closed her eyes. There was no point in trying to sleep on the other side of the bed, they would just seek each other out as they slept. She located his heart beat and listened to it beat so smooth and strong under her ear and slipped off to sleep.

 

III

 

She had no idea how long they had slept when the storm jolted her awake. The thunder boomed so loud above them she could have sworn the bed vibrated. When she looked up, she saw that Oliver was awake and watching the storm through the skylight above them. He had a look of calmness across his face but she could feel the tension reverberating throughout his body where it was in contact with hers. He was unconsciously running his fingertips up and down her spine which sent shivers down her arms and legs.

He seemed to sense she was awake and looked down. He gave her a sad smile and then returned his gaze to the window above. She felt an overwhelming flood of love for him just then. That he could take her anger, her rage, and leave her feeling so calm and peaceful was a gift that she hadn’t truly appreciated until today. She needed the space to feel safe in order to get truly angry and he gave her that space and respect.

They still had a long road in front of them, she thought, but maybe the end destination was finally coming into sight.

“What time is it?” she asked.  
“A little after 4 pm.”  
“Whoah.”  
“Yeah,” he chuckled, “I think we slept for at least 4 hours.”  
“My sleep schedule is so messed up,” she winced, “I’ll probably be ready for bed by 10 pm.”  
“Well, you haven’t exactly been sleeping a whole bunch lately,” he chided gently.  
“Neither have you.”  
“True. But I am used to erratic hours.”  
“Still no power?” she asked as she sat up and stretched.  
“Not a lick. The storm ebbs and flows but it is unrelenting,” he mused thoughtfully.  
“Do we have anything for dinner?” she asked almost fearfully.  
“Yes,” he laughed, “Some salad and fresh bread.”  
“Salad...my only true enemy,” she sighed in mock defeat.  
“If the power comes back, I’ll grill up the steaks.”  
“Oh my God,” she moaned, “I hope the power comes back!”  
“You and steak are best friends.”  
“We are. We both hate salad.”

Oliver laughed and got up. He had mayoral things to attend to and the satellite phone seemed to be working. While he talked to his office, she read. There was a shelf of books in the living room and the candles were still going strong, so she picked one at random and sat by her bedroom window.

Soon she was engrossed in a dark mystery by Mo Hayder. It was a disturbing story of Nanking at the time of the Japanese invasion, present day murder, missed opportunities and the strange connections all the characters had even though they came from very different worlds. It was fascinating, horrifying and devastating to read. She had been aware of the Nanking massacre but not of the use of rape as a tool of war. She found herself weeping at the end of the book in sheer helplessness.

She has no control over what happened that night when Damien unleashed literal Hell on the world. When the bombs were launched she had to act fast and a decision that no one else in the room could make. The look on Lyla’s face when she redirected the bomb to Havenrock was one she would never forget. It was one mixed with horror, pity and fear, but not of Damien. No, the fear that crossed Lyla’s face that night was reserved for her.

Felicity felt something deep inside her mind shatter. The resulting wave of almost hysterical anguish doubled her over. All she could do was hold onto herself and silently wail out the grief and horror of that decision. Oliver was right, she wasn’t to blame for it but someone needed to carry that weight of the responsibility so that it never happened again.

Oliver came back into the room to check on her and found her curled up on the window seat with her head resting on her knees. He immediately came and sat opposite her and gently stroked her hair. It calmed her enough that was able to look up at him through swollen eyelids.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in helpless concern.  
“It’s the book I read,” she said with a small laugh at her own expense, “It is about some really heavy stuff. It just...it just broke something in me that i think needed breaking.”  
“Felicity,” he began with a small shake of his head, “nothing in you needs breaking.”  
“Something did,” she said softly, “and it’s ok. It’s really ok.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“For what? Or should I say what now?”  
“For not being enough for you.”  
“Wait? What? Oliver, you were, you are but...you just have no idea how to let yourself believe it. That’s why you hid William from me because you doubted your ability to trust me with that part of you. Your fear of what life would be without me created this part of our story.”

Oliver sat back and stared at her. His face told her the story of his heart in that moment. She reached out and took one of his hands and held it in hers. He was just now realizing that he had been so terrified of losing her that he created the path that she took to leave him.

“You are remarkable, Felicity Smoak,” he said in a voice full of wonder and adoration.  
She smiled at him, feeling something soften in her heart as she remembered the first time he had said that to her and said, “Thank you for remarking on it.”  
“So, salad and bread?”  
“Please tell me they gave you chocolate.”  
“They did.”  
“Ok, salad, bread and chocolate for dinner it is.”

Felicity managed to eat her salad, more to please Oliver than to enjoy it for herself, and waited eagerly for whatever kind of chocolate the resort had given Oliver. When he brought out two pieces of chocolate cheese cake, she almost started clapping. She tried to savour every bite but it was so good, so rich and so decadent that she ate it far faster than she wanted to.

“Oh my God, Oliver,” she sighed, “that was the best cheesecake I have ever had.”  
“It was really good,” he said as he finished his piece.  
“I am actually full even though all we had was salad.”  
“Salad is good for you! I don’t know why you hate it so much,” he said with a shake of his head.  
“It’s the food my food eats.”

Oliver looked at her in stunned disbelief and then started to laugh. Not his usual chuckle laugh but a head back full throated cackle that seemed to rise up through his body from the bottom of his feet. She had never heard him laugh like this ever. Not in all the four years they had known one another. It was glorious and horrible all at once.

“Where did THAT come from?” she asked as she laughed along with him.  
“You are hilarious at the best of times, but that was the funniest thing you have ever said,” he gasped as tears started to form in his eyes. He couldn’t stop laughing and she loved it. He sounded and looked so alive.  
“I love your laugh,” she smiled.  
Oliver slowly calmed down and rubbed his eyes. “That felt good.”  
“I bet!”  
“So, what now? I think it is around 8 pm now,” he said as he felt around for his watch on the table, “Nope, it’s 9:30 pm.”  
“The light today has been so steadily dark, it’s hard to tell. But that is later than I thought it would be.”  
“I was on the phone for a lot longer than I thought.”  
“Yeah, well, I did have time to read an entire book.”  
“I wish the power would come on. We could at least watch a movie.”  
“We could play War,” she suggested.  
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings again.”

Just then the lightning flashed and the thunder roared and the storm renewed its fury. They paused for a moment and watched the sky through the window and witnessed the sky come alive. Felicity looked at Oliver and without a word they got up and headed for her room. Oliver paused to turn off the fireplace and she picked up the candles. The wind was screaming and the threat of a branch or some kind of debris coming through the window was just too great for them to stay sitting in front of it.

“This is insane. There is no way this storm should be continuing this strong for so long,” she said.  
“I know, this is something else. I’ve never seen a storm like this.”  
“So War?”  
“Fine,” he said with exaggerated boredom, “but no tears when I destroy you.”

For the next hour Oliver did as he said he would. Every single game, he beat her with no mercy. She watched him delight in schooling her in this game of chance and it made her want to beat him just once. In the final game, the cards suddenly started going her way. She didn’t boast in an effort to not jinx herself but as her last card was played, she hooted and hollered. All she had wanted was one win and she got it.

The entire day had been cathartic. She felt more alive and at peace than she had since they had ended their relationship even as she struggled with the weight of Havenrock and her renewed feelings for Oliver. She had never stopped loving him but now, things felt different. There were still things to work through but they felt less complicated. She couldn’t deny that the love and care he had shown her, both here and in the city when he kept her safe on her long walks, had seeped into her heart and soul. It had become part of her and she loved him in a way that felt brand new.

“I need some water. I think we have a few bottles left in the fridge. Want one?” he asked as he got up.  
“Yes, please. And more cheese cake.”

Oliver just shook his head and left the room. She could hear him slowly walking through the cottage, feeling his way into the kitchen. The storm, which had grown quiet in the last few minutes, sent another volley of thunder and lighting across the sky, lashing the roof with more rain. She didn’t jump this time, instead she got up and wandered to the window that looked out over the forest floor leading out to the cliffside. She saw branches falling and the cedar trees swaying in the wind.

The room was warm and she was feeling calmer as the night wore on. She had one more thing she wanted to talk to Oliver about but felt it could wait until morning. They were comfortable and happy and she did not want to jeopardize that centred feeling they were sharing. Oliver appeared over her right shoulder with a bottle of water and sliver of cheesecake.

“Oh my God. You are a lifesaver,” she breathed as she inhaled the rich aroma of the cake.  
“They gave me the whole cake!”  
“And you are giving me this paltry piece?”  
“Do you want some tomorrow?”  
“Fine,” she grumbled as he laughed at her pout. She finished it in three bites and almost licked the plate but she caught sight of how Oliver was looking at her, his eyes dark and hooded, and thought it wise to be a bit more demure.

“So how is the city doing in our absence?” she asked as a diversion.  
“Good. There is a gang war threatening to explode though. We will need to be back in a day or two at the most,” he said with a far away look crossing his face.  
“We need to get some help, Oliver. We can’t do this alone anymore.”  
“Let’s talk about that back in Star City. I am...enjoying not having to think about that at the moment. And I’m cold,” he said with a small shiver, “The temperature has dropped a good five degrees or so in the last hour.”  
“Well, come on, let’s grab a blanket or two.”

Felicity watched him go find the other blanket and shook her head at herself. She was doing the exact thing she shouldn’t but it was cold in the cottage and the living room was a no go until the storm blew over. Maybe she should insist on a barrier between them tonight. Something, anything to prevent them from getting too close. It was too soon for them to cross that line.

 _Not yet_ , she thought as she remembered the way his skin felt under her fingertips.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she remembered how his body was coiled like a spring waiting for her.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she watched the way the light in his heart out shone the sun.

She crossed to the bed and pulled back the covers and climbed in just as Oliver came back into the room. She couldn’t help but laugh at his expression. It was a mixture of terror, anticipation, confusion, wanton desire and hesitation. Only Oliver could make her trying to get warm into something so fiercely erotic.

“I’m freezing, Oliver,” she said matter-of-factly, “and this is a goose down duvet.”  
“Right. Gotcha.”  
“Are you just going to stand there?” she asked with a pointed look at the blankets.  
“Oh. Right. Of course,” he said with a hard shake of his head. He crossed to the bed, stopping to blow out the candles on his way.

He crawled up onto the bed, not getting under the covers with her, and pulled the blankets over them both. Felicity gave him a look but realized what he was doing. He had put the barrier between them on purpose. She was relieved and disappointed at the same time but settled into her pillows and relaxed. It was for the best that they kept that distance. It was too soon for them to even consider being anything other than friends at this point.

Oliver laid down next to her and sighed, “This bed is so soft.”  
“It is. And enormous.”  
“Watching you walk alone through the city, blew me apart inside,” he said quietly.  
“You could warn a girl when you aren’t going to gently segue into these kinds of things.”  
“Sorry,” he chuckled softly, “I just keep circling back to it in my mind. I just keep trying to put myself in your shoes and it cripples me.”  
“Stilettos will do that to you.”  
“I still don’t get how you can run in them.”  
“It takes practice,” she said as she turned towards him.  
“You have to forgive yourself, Felicity.”  
“One day. Soon. I promise.”  
“You have earned it,” he said as he turned to face her.  
“Maybe you should take your own advice.”  
“One day. Soon. I promise,” he smiled and Felicity was sure it lit up the room for just a few seconds.

She closed her eyes and willed her heart to slow. Forgiveness. She simply couldn’t imagine it. How could she when so many lay dead at her feet?

 

_She stepped sideways into her dream and floated down to the bed. Oliver was sprawled out next to her on his stomach, a position he often took when he was was deeply asleep. He looked so young and untouched. If not for the scars that showed the roadmap of his life, she would have forgotten the trauma and torture visited upon his flesh and psyche._

_Without thinking she reached towards him and gently stroked his face. Running her thumb across his bottom lip and searched his his face. Looking for the man she had fallen in love with four years ago. She still loved him but it was the wanting of him that was pushing her to action now. He opened his eyes and held her gaze, answering her unspoken question. When she felt his lips part and his breath on her hand, she knew she had it. His eyes darkened and his breath grew short in his chest._

_Felicity wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do or not but the pull of his energy was too much. His skin was golden in the firelight and she could feel the electric hum of desire crackle between them. He turned towards her and took the hand she had offered. The gentle kiss he planted on her palm set her blood on fire._

_“Felicity…?”_   
_“Yes.”_   
_“Are you sure?”_

_In lieu of an answer, she took his hand and place it over her heart. They sat connected for a few minutes with Oliver looking at her in wonder and love. She felt the earth under them sway out of sync and her breath left her body. How could a simple look strip her bare like that? Then the room shifted around her and part of her mind shouted out, not wanting to let go of this moment. She was rewarded with more than she could have hoped._

_When the fog cleared, she could feel Oliver’s lips on her neck, his arms around her holding her so tightly to him that she could feel every ridge of muscle on his body. She heard herself moan in pleasure as he thrust inside her with a deep, rolling motion. She wrapped her legs around his waist and held onto him as his hips moved and pushed her closer and closer to her release._

_He was whispering in her ear, like he did that first time in Nanda Parbat, but she couldn’t hear the words. All she felt was way he fit in her body and the intensity of his love in how he held her. The love they shared in these moments was powerful and alive. It stunned her how this man, who had killed with purpose and abandon, could love her with such tenderness that she felt worshipped._

_She could feel her orgasm building to a crescendo as Oliver increased the depth of his strokes. This was the part she had missed the most, that moment when time would stand still and she could look deep into his eyes, her hips moving in time with his, and witness the vast, almost endless, extent of his love for her. Then her eyes closed and she sank down into the dense fog of deep sleep._

Sometime later, Felicity slowly opened her eyes to the dimly lit room. She was on her side, facing Oliver’s side of the bed but he wasn’t there. Groggily, she sat up and then stumbled out of bed. She noticed that his blankets and pillow were gone as well. She looked across to his room and saw that his bed was empty.

As her eyes grew accustomed to the dark, she noticed a soft flickering light coming from the living room. Rounding the corner from the hallway that lead to the bedrooms, she saw Oliver. He was stretched out on his stomach on the couch, buried under the blankets the resort had loaned them, with the fireplace set on low. So deeply asleep was he, that she was able to cross the room and sit on the arm of the couch in order to wait for him to wake up.

Eventually, she could see he had sensed her presence, like he always did when she was near. He shifted his head and opened his eyes, and searched her out. Without saying a word, he turned onto his side and pushed the blankets back as an invitation for her to join him. With a small smile, she slipped in next to his warm, solid body, faced the fireplace and quickly fell back to sleep.


	14. Interlude Part Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This mirrors the previous chapter until its second part where the story expands. It was necessary to get Oliver's POV on a few of the things that happened in Felicity's POV, but it helps move Oliver's healing journey along.
> 
> Some good things happen here, even if they are coated in pain of all that happened before. It is contemplative a bit slow moving but I like Oliver here. He shows her kindness and patience while finding his own boundaries and lines.

_**Chapter Fourteen: Interlude Part Seven** _

_Reaching across the Universe_   
_He leaves a trail of stardust_   
_Across her path._

_I_

_Oliver awoke that morning feeling his body supercharged with energy. Lying next to Felicity, even separated by a layer of sheets, was proving to be too much. Especially when she woke him up screaming his name over and over in what could only be called a rage filled sorrow. He had been forced to call to her in order to wake her up. He was terrified she was going to succumb to whatever it was that was filling her with such desolate anguish._

_With only a small prompt from him, she had relinquished the details of her dream. It broke his heart to listen to her describe how she had been trapped within the building they shared. Especially in a space that brought her such peace. Maybe, once they were able to get back to Star City, he could knock a wall down and give her access to it once and for all._

_He busied himself by making her the pancakes he had promised and then left for his run. It was a run he desperately needed just to get his thoughts in order and work out some of the tension in his body. Oliver hoped, more than anything, that he could burn the desire out of his blood. He felt like he was back in Bali, when they were both at the mercy of their bodies and the kundalini spirit. There had been moments on that island where he was sure the air around them was about to ignite and consume them. Never had he wanted any other woman as powerfully as he wanted her and that feeling was beginning to creep back up his spine._

_Oliver tried not to think about how she had looked at him as they lay in that big, soft bed. Or how all he had been waiting for was a signal from her and they would still be in it right now. Instead he kept his focus on the road in front of him as it was treacherous and slick. The storm had wrought utter destruction and he found himself having to detour around fallen trees and stalled vehicles._

_He got to mile seven and had to stop. The road was completely washed out and covered with debris. He could see work crews about half a mile down the highway busily working to clear the road and gauge just how much of the highway would need to be fixed. From where he stood, it looked like at least a quarter mile of road was gone. They were going to be stuck for days in that cottage which could be a problem if they didn’t address what was happening between them soon._

_Before his legs cramped up, he turned around and made his way back to the resort and picked up his pace when he heard the distant rumble of thunder coming in from over the ocean. He was astonished at the size of the storms that were rolling over them. If he was a superstitious person, he would think that the Universe was trying to keep them here for some reason._

_Whatever that reason was, he hoped that he could keep himself in check. There were moments of such intense intimacy between them that he felt an almost fugue-like state wash over him, where he found himself lost momentarily in time and space. Her touch pulled his mind and body apart so that he was defenseless, helpless and frozen in his need to feel her body pressed against his._

_When he had left her, she was going to get them some clothes and check on the Ducati. He hoped she found herself a large sweatshirt to wear because he was losing the battle with his body and mind. Her nearness was slowly making him forget that they no longer were together and that any permission he had to touch her was gone._

_But the way she looked at him earlier and the way she sought him out to touch and hold, it was like she had forgotten the boundaries between them already. If she nodded or indicated in any way that yes, he could cross back to her, nothing would be able to stop him. He longed for her every moment of every day._

_Making good on his promise, he stopped at the main building on his way back in and picked up the box of food the resort had graciously packaged up for them. He was incredibly thankful for their care and concern and made sure to relay that message on behalf of himself and Felicity. The road wouldn’t be fixed for at least two or three days and they were ready to provide more food whenever they wanted it._

_Before he entered the cottage, he took a deep breath and centred himself. He needed to be prepared for whatever was waiting for him on the other side of the door. Just as he put his hand on the door knob, the thunder rumbled again and the wind picked up indicating the storm was coming and soon. He was still astonished at the power of the system rolling over them and could literally feel the air pressure change around him._

_Felicity was on the balcony, lost in thought, and didn’t hear him come in. He didn’t want to startle her so he quietly crossed the living room and gently touched her shoulder to bring her back to him. He was greeted with a tired, sad smile. She wasn’t as lost as before they arrived here, but part of her was still drifting in a river of grief. Knowing that there was nothing he could do to ease her pain, he only hoped that he could provide her enough support so that she could find her way back to herself._

_The way she avoided telling him what was on her mind told him that he would need to tread carefully if she brought it up later. Instead, he welcomed her help in putting away the food and went to take a long, hot shower. He did notice that she had changed, and bought new clothes for him to wear, but he was somewhat disappointed to see she had not found a large sweatshirt to stay warm in._

_Never had he been more grateful for the strong, hot spray of water in his shower. Oliver closed his eyes and stood under the showerhead and tried to let go of the desire building in his body and blood. The result was a spectacular failure as his body betrayed him and he found himself becoming increasingly aroused simply by the thought of her in an oversized sweatshirt._

_He washed his hair and body and tried to will his erection away but soon realized it was of no use. With the shampoo suds running down his body, he used the slippery flow to aid him as he slowly grasped himself and began to stroke up and down the shaft of his hard cock. He almost groaned out loud at the sensation. Closing his eyes, he remembered the way she touched his scars, how she traced his tattoos with such tender desire, and the way her body wrapped around him in that intensely hot, wet velvet heat._

_He felt the pressure begin to build in his pelvis, his body stiffened and within a couple of hard, uneven strokes, he came in a series of long, hot spurts. Oliver slowly sank to the shower floor and tried to catch his breath. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel any kind of pleasure since she the day she walked out of their home and relationship close to six months ago now. It was a form of punishment but he was able to master himself and eventually he grew accustomed to the lonely nights in the bunker._

_Now with Felicity being so close and willing to reach out and touch him, all his defenses had been shattered. So much so that he felt like a teenager again with raging hormones and no ability to control his body. Shakily, he got up, finished his shower and then got dressed in the clothes Felicity had bought for him. Everything fit and he was impressed with her ability to gauge his size. He even liked the colour. Raisa would have called it ‘heather’ and it was a change from his usual urban palette. He had to admit, he liked it._

_He rejoined her, more relaxed thanks to the shower, and made his breakfast. He was starving and ready for a huge stack of pancakes. Oliver caught sight of how Felicity’s eyes darkened and a flush rose to her cheeks when she checked out how her purchases fit him, so he drove her out of the kitchen and made his breakfast before he lost his current equilibrium._

_Just as he sat down, the power went out and suddenly he was faced with the entire day of just the two of them with no distractions. He felt the icy fingers of anxiety curl around the base of his spine. He pushed his panic down and focused on the food in front of him. Felicity was doing her best to reassure him that everything would be ok by chatting with him in her bright, even voice. The one she used when she was nervous or anxious._

_He washed up his breakfast dishes and tried to ignore the way the clouds were darkening over the ocean. The storm was going to be intense and he wanted to be sure she was ready for it. As he came back into the room, he paused for a moment and watched how the firelight played across the planes of her face and he thought he had never seen her look so beautiful. He was so lost in the moment that failed to see the warning flash of lightning that announced the arrival of the second, larger storm._

_When the thunder came, a huge booming clap that echoed in his bones, he froze. His body locked itself in place and he retreated deep into his mind. Images of the Gambit flashed past him and then all those storms on the Lian Yu. But what stayed front and centre was Felicity walking away from him. The pain of that moment, after saying goodbye to his son, had carved a piece of his soul out of his body. He had yet to shake the emptiness of all the months that followed without her._

_He knew he was teetering on the edge of loneliness and it would only take a small push from her to send him falling through the darkness that followed him wherever he went. Instead, he felt the featherlight touch of her fingertips brushing against his arms and he snapped back to the present moment. He looked down into her eyes and saw only love and concern when the lightning flashed so bright, it was like the lights had come back on._

_Felicity’s grip increased and he saw her starting to fall as fear wiped away her ability to stand. He scooped her up in his arms and quickly crossed the room so that he could sit down on the couch. When she buried her face in his neck, he softly spoke to her in a soothing voice, quietly telling her how the storm would pass and she would survive. He knew she was deaf to his voice at the moment, but he hoped that she knew he would keep her safe even if this was the end of the world._

_When the wind started to batter the window and the rain started to lash the front of the cottage, he stood up and carried her to her bedroom. She was cautious with him at first but once she got comfortable, they spent the rest of the morning laughing, playing cards and forgetting about the way nature was unleashing her fury on the seaside._

_The lightning and thunder calmed down as he repeatedly beat her at War. She had schooled him in blackjack and poker but the game of War was impossible for her to use her card counting tricks on. He laughed harder with each game she lost. Just as he was shuffling the deck for another game, the lightning and thunder returned with such power, he felt the bed shake._

_Without even pausing to check, he pulled the blankets up and over them. He wrapped her in his arms and let her hold onto him as the lightning flashes intensified and the thunder boomed. Oliver could feel her body shaking and trembling but nothing prepared him for the mournful voice that spoke to him, almost muffled by his shirt._

_She was finally asking him about something he would never be able to answer. He had no good excuse for why he left her alone in the hospital in order to go visit William. He missed her coming out of recovery on three separate occasions because he had agreed to go to Central City to see him. He was terrified that if he said no, Samantha would cut all access to William off and he would never know his son._

_So he had left her to face the pain of her recovery and being newly paralysed all by herself. He had hid his son’s entire existence from the woman he regarded as his soul mate out of nothing more than fear. There was nothing he could do or say to account for it but when she admitted to searching the rolls of Havenrock’s dead for their names, he felt the world fall away from under him._

_He couldn’t look at her or feel her touch after that declaration. She had been so concerned with him, his son and his mother, that she had pushed herself past the breaking point to make sure she wasn’t indirectly responsible for their deaths. In the maelstrom of emotions, depression, and grief that were ripping her apart on an almost cellular level, she had been concerned about him._

_He sat with his head in his hands and tried to make sense of it, of why she would do that after all he had put her through, and he couldn’t. It was breaking him apart so he sat and just breathed through the agony of knowing part of her grief was wrapped around his son. Felicity reached out to touch his back and it grounded him enough that he was able to attempt to explain himself._

_Oliver tried to explain that even though he was going to visit William, his heart and soul belonged to her, that he would never fade away from her. If he had said all of that, maybe she wouldn’t have gotten so angry but he misspoke and her rage was a fearsome sight. Her eyes blazed with what he could only call a dignified righteousness and he listened to her spit out her brutal truth. Not a single word of it was wrong._

_As her rage cooled and the storm slowed its assault, he spoke to her the words that were in his heart. When he finished, he waited as she studied him, appraising him with a critical view. He watched as her face softened and when her eyes reflected love back to him, he had to look away. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he was grateful when she invited him back beside her._

_Sleep came quickly for her as she rested her head on his chest, her self-professed favourite place, and he let go a deep, weary sigh. He made sure they were covered with the blankets and watched the rain fall on the skylight above him until he slipped off into dreamless sleep._

_The thunder woke him a few hours later with a small jolt. He glanced down at Felicity to see if his sudden movement but she was still soundly asleep. He relaxed back into the bed and stared up at the skylight. Her words tumbled over and over in his mind. She had eviscerated him earlier, flayed him, stripped him bare and he had absorbed every word. He owed her that respect and the space to be angry with him._

_In truth, he felt honoured that she would trust him enough to let loose like that and really open up about what she was feeling. Her words had wrapped themselves around his thoughts and he reflected back over the last four months. Her endless walking, the pain of watching her put her life in harm’s way, and the endless hours of wanting to reach out to her but stopping because he knew she would rebuff him. Unconsciously, he had begun to run his hand lightly up and down her back. It was something he did when he felt her body stiffen or react to his stress. It brought her comfort and him a feeling of serenity that only she could bring._

_His greatest sorrow out of all of this was that he hadn’t been enough for her, that she had deserved so much better than how he had treated her. For months he had tried to find a thread of justification for why he had shut her out but he kept running into a wall of fear and self loathing. Nothing he did could get him to see past it and he knew, deep down, that as much as he loved her and wanted to tie his life and journey to hers forever, that he was wrong to think marrying her without telling or including her was a wise decision._

_And oh...how he loved her._

_She had drawn down galaxies from the night sky for him to explore, she had walked through heaven and hell all to be by his side. In his dreams, she handed him stars like they were apples plucked from a tree. She had loved him like he was the breath in her body and he knew, if they tried, they could dance between the raindrops._

_There was nothing on this earth he wouldn’t do to make sure the rest of her life would only hold the best things possible. The first step in that journey had been removing Damien Darhk. He felt no guilt in ending that madman’s life. He would kill him a thousand times over in order to take away the weight of responsibility for Havenrock from her shoulders._

_Eventually, he felt her breathing shift and he looked down to see that she had woken up. The smile she greeted him with pushed the weight of loneliness from his heart and for a moment he was able to breathe. He couldn’t let her see the sadness in him so he returned his gaze to the skylight and hoped she wouldn’t ask him what he was thinking. He was suddenly gripped with the desire to be alone and away from her so that he could stand for a few minutes on his own._

_Before that could happen dinner plans were made and an easy rapport was found between them. He made up an excuse about needing to call his office and made his way into his room for some privacy. Without the power, he couldn’t charge his phone and he really did feel he should check in with Thea about how the city was faring in his absence._

_He was somewhat disappointed to find out the city was fine without the Green Arrow but happy to find out it was having some issues without Mayor Queen. He spent the next three hours on the phone with various department heads and staff members making sure the city was running smoothly and that Thea could handle the paperwork for any emergency requests. The storm hadn’t hit Star City yet, but the storm surge was starting to push into the bay. He made sure the city was equipped to deal with any potential disasters and let his staff know how to reach him in case of any real catastrophic emergencies._

_Making his way out to the living room in the dim early evening light, his eyes adjusted quickly and located Felicity on the window seat curled up in a tight ball. Immediately, he made his way to her, sensing that something wasn’t right. He noticed the book by her feet when he sat down in front of her and heard her quiet sniffles. She was keeping her face hidden but she couldn’t hide that she had been crying. Gently, he stroked her hair and waited for her to look up._

_His heart broke when he saw the agony and desolation that writhed under her under skin. She looked broken and it brought all of his guilt to the surface. He could feel a surge within his chest and it bubbled out of him before he could stop it. He finally felt able to admit his guilt and remorse over not being enough for her._

_He expected her to nod and accept what he was saying as the truth but she fought back and carefully, almost gently, set him straight. She was right, of course, when she so matter-of-factly informed him that she always thought he was enough for her but he was never able to believe it and that is why she left him. He needed to trust her to be enough for him and until he could do that, she couldn’t be with him._

_Oliver was stunned speechless by how she was able to zero in on his weaknesses and hold them up for him to see. She never did it to shame him, she did it to protect him from his eerie ability to sabotage himself. Long ago he had noted how remarkable she was and felt compelled to tell her again, earning a genuine smile from her in the process._

_She claimed to be ok and he would believe her until she showed signs that proved otherwise. He needed to hold the space for her to cry when she needed to, to rail against him if the moment called for it like earlier, or just sit and hold his hand if it gave her comfort and peace._

_Dinner was calling even if it was the kind of dinner she hated. Salad and Felicity were not well acquainted and he laughed at her reticence to eat it. Luckily, he had chocolate cheesecake waiting for dessert which he knew would offset the healthy eating. He had to admit, the cake was good and a lovely way to end the meal._

_When she made her crack about salad being the food her food eats, he marvelled for a moment at how logical that was but also the hilarity of it and laughed like he hadn’t laughed in years. He literally could not remember a more cathartic experience all due to a sarcastic comment happening in his life than this one. Oliver let go of a lot of the tension from the day, feeling it leave his body and he felt something approaching good._

_They rode out the eye of the storm in the quiet of her room, playing War and staying in the moment. It felt natural and he laughed as he won game after game and at her mounting frustration at still having not won a single hand. Finally, just as he was growing sleepy, she won. He let her crow about it as he went and got the blankets from the living room and double checked the locks on the doors. The power was still out and the darkness outside seemed to bleed into the cottage. If not for the soft golden glow of the fireplace in her room, he would have been lost in the impenetrable darkness._

_He was not prepared for what he saw when he came back into the room. Felicity had crawled back into bed in an effort to keep warm and the way the firelight played across her face, the soft flow of her hair as it spread out on the pillow beneath her and the gentle smile that had crossed her lips when he came back into the room caused him to freeze mid step._

_She was beautiful to him all the time but this view of her, so relaxed and welcoming, made his breath catch in his chest and his stomach drop. For just a moment he contemplated handing off the blankets and leaving the room for the night. There was no way he could sleep next to her and not want to touch her or have her touch him._

_He gave his head a small shake and crossed over to the bed on shaking legs. The only way he was going to survive this was if he created a barrier that she couldn’t cross. So he climbed on the bed and used only the blankets in his hands to sleep under. The weight of his body on the duvet would make it harder for her to move closer to him and he strongly suspected it would be the only thing that would save them from themselves._

_For as much as he wanted to feel her lips and her body wrapped around him, neither one of them was ready for that, not when she was still holding back on so much. If her rage this afternoon was any indication, she was just getting started on letting him see how raw she was emotionally. If they were to reconcile, it couldn’t be here when everything was still so unresolved._

_An image rose unbidden of her wandering the streets of Star City, alone and cast out of her own life and felt temporarily destroyed by it. Even though he had shadowed her in an effort to keep her safe, he had been terrified of every step she took down the streets he guarded. He had watched with mounting horror at her continued to disregard for her own safety and thought of all the nights she must have done that without him knowing. It was penance, pure and simple, and until she found the forgiveness she was seeking, something else would replace the walking. He couldn’t rescue her from it, that isn’t what she wanted or needed, but he was determined to keep her safe in the moments when she fell so low it was her own death she tempting._

_When he told her, she had deflected with humour but not before suggesting maybe he needed to listen to his own advice about forgiveness and forgive himself for past bad actions. He wasn’t sure exactly which ones, but her easy smile and laugh helped heal a few of the bruises on his heart and he found himself returning her smile. Sleep came quickly after that even as the storm raged on around them._

_II_

_He usually fell headlong into his dreams. They tended to be abrupt, visceral entrances where he had little warning to figure out what was happening around him. When Felicity wasn’t next to him, he tended to start violently awake as though assaulted by the images in his unconscious mind. But this time, he eased into it, gently and with only a moment of resistance._

_Waves of pleasure were flooding his body as he became aware of a hot, wet velvet heat wrapped around him. He opened his eyes and watched Felicity, her head thrown back in ecstasy, roll her hips in a slow, circular motion, grinding against him. His hands were traveling slowly up her body, as though each inch of her skin held a code his fingertips had memorized, and felt the growing pressure and tension in his pelvis and spine begin build._

_Carefully, he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her to him, and slowly flipped them over. He balanced his weight evenly from his knees to his hips and began to thrust deep inside her. He was rewarded by a long, low moan from her. One that he felt reverberate throughout his body._

_“Oh...God…,” she whispered in his ear, “Don’t...stop, Oliver, oh God…”_

_He felt her body stiffen and then go almost completely limp as she came, shuddering around his throbbing cock. Oliver could feel every movement of her body as he buried his face in her neck, whispering in her ear just how much he loved her, how there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her, how she was his everything, now and forever._

_Just as her hips began to move in sync with his own, the lightning flashed and the thunder rolled across the roof of the cottage, shaking the walls to their foundations and he awoke with a start, completely disoriented. He looked down and found Felicity still asleep beside him. Locked away from his touch by layers of bedding._

_With a small shake of his head, Oliver tried to relax back into the bed but his body was humming with energy. He wasn’t sure what to do, if he should get up or force himself to relax enough to go back to sleep. As though in answer to his unvoiced thoughts, Felicity slowly turned over onto her back and let out a breathy sigh._

_Her breathing grew deeper, harder and full of small sighs and moans. Oliver recognized the sounds and knew he needed to get out of the room. There were boundaries in place but there were lines they were too close to crossing and if he stayed here a moment longer, she might wake up and invite him to join her. With the intensity of how much he wanted her, while awake and asleep, he knew he was defenseless and would cross those lines with reckless abandon._

_Carefully, he gathered the blankets and his pillow and left the room. His bedroom was freezing so he took up residency on the couch after turning on the fireplace. It only took a few minutes in front of the low, flickering heat to fall back asleep into a thankfully dreamless slumber._

_Regardless of waking state, Oliver knew she would eventually come looking for him so he was attuned to her presence, which he felt more than heard, and opened his eyes to find her perched on the arm of the couch. He had turned onto his stomach at some point so he turned over, pulled the blankets back and waited for her to join him. It was that easy for her to invade his space and make him forget his resolution to not be in contact with her body. Her eyes held such sadness as she looked at him, he could feel the loneliness coming off of her in waves, so he automatically welcomed her into his arms in an effort to comfort her._

_He felt her breathing immediately change. All she seemed to ever need to sleep was to be next to him but he knew neither one of them could get used to this, that it would have to change before leaving this sanctuary they had found. Pressing a tender kiss onto the top of her head, he closed his eyes and attempted to locate sleep in the maelstrom that now churned within his mind._

_Oliver eventually slipped below the thin skin of sleep. He was too aware of her pressed into him to let himself comfortably relax back into except a cat nap. Felicity’s warmth, her soft and supple body, were something that he naturally gravitated towards when in bed, he felt unmoored without her in his arms. She had been his home for a blink of the eye, when he thought about it, but it was one he so desperately wanted to see again._

_Sometime before dawn, he became aware of the warmth of her breath on his chest. She had managed to turn completely around to face him on the couch, not an easy feat given the tight quarters, and laid her head above his heart. They had a running joke while in Positano, that she would move heaven and earth to find his heart beat._

_He sighed in weary defeat but still gently eased his body away from her to give himself some breathing space. His retreat woke her up and he looked down to see her eyes, luminous and full of confusion, and he felt a surreal sense of guilt for denying her the warmth of his body._

_“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” he asked softly._   
_“I couldn’t feel you for a minute and didn’t know where I was,” she answered sleepily, “Why did you come out here?”_   
_“I...was restless and didn’t want to wake you up,” he lied. How could he tell her they both were having dreams of the other that were more than a little intense? He could still feel the warmth of her body and the way she tasted, so salty and sweet, and having her so near now was disconcerting._   
_“I didn’t notice, I swear. This couch is comfy but a bit narrow for two of us,” she chuckled._   
_“It’s still early, why don’t you head back to bed?” he suggested, somewhat hopefully._   
_“Will you come with me?”_   
_“No. I’m sorry...I just can’t, Felicity,” he said with a sad shake of his head._   
_“Why?” she asked with an edge of panic creeping into her voice._   
_“Because I love you,” he said as he made her meet his eyes, which filled with a sadness he knew he had created, “I have never stopped loving you and being this close to you and not being able to show you is killing me.”_   
_“Oliver, coming here was your idea.”_   
_“I know,” he agreed, “But the storm...was not something I could have predicted. It wasn’t even supposed to reach land.”_   
_“True,” she said softly, “I know this is difficult. I...I feel safe when you are near.”_   
_“I could sleep on the floor,” he volunteered, “I’ve slept in worse places.”_   
_Felicity smiled at him but shook her head, “No, no I couldn’t let you do that. I’m sorry if this is making you uncomfortable.”_   
_“I’m not uncomfortable, but I’m worried that we will cross a line we shouldn’t even be able to see right now.”_   
_“I know,” she said sadly, closing her eyes and laying her head on his chest, “I miss you, Oliver.”_

_He felt stricken by her words. How could she rip him apart so easily, so freely, with four simple words? Her breath blew through him and he had to still himself. His heart beat erratically in his chest and he felt coiled, ready for whatever came next. She reached up and traced the shape of his face, running her thumb over his bottom lip and sighed._

_“I should go,” she murmured, her eyes affixed to his lips._   
_“Yeah…”_   
_“Oliver…”_   
_“Don’t, Felicity, please,” he begged, “If you ask…”_   
_“I know. Not yet.”_   
_“No, not yet.”_

_And then she was gone, leaving him to fight the rising desire in his body alone. He passed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He could still smell her on the pillow and feel the weight of her body in his arms. The loneliness that now settled in his bones threatened to crush him but they were close to something and it gave him hope._

_The storm raged around the cottage, the thunder roared and the lightning flashed, and he tried to find sleep again. He was just slipping off to sleep when he heard her cry out and he was up and in her room in a flash. She was sitting up, gasping for breath, rocking in an attempt to find reality._

_“Hey,” he called gently as he walked slowly towards the bed, “Felicity, it’s ok. You’re in the cottage by the ocean.”_   
_“They are all dead, Oliver,” she quietly cried, “Why can’t I stop dreaming about that city? Why, if I am not to blame for it, do I feel so responsible? What do I do?”_

_He had no answers for her. The magnitude of the number of dead stunned him but none of them lay at her feet. She made the hard decision, the kind Amanda Waller had prepared him for all those years ago, but in the end it was Felicity who made the call. He sat down on the edge of the bed and waited to see what came next._

_Felicity cried into the duvet for a few minutes. When her shoulders stopped shaking, he tenderly took one of her hands in his and felt the tremors that were traveling through her body. While he knew she was in tremendous emotional pain, he marveled at the strength of this tiny woman in front of him. That she could take that grief, hold it in her heart and still find so much compassion and care for him, was astounding. Her courage to love, in the face of all that pain, humbled him and he was so grateful to have her in his life._

_“I keep thinking that as time passes, I’ll let it go a bit. Feel better a bit more every day,” she said in a soft, sorrow filled voice, “But the hurt sits on my chest and I can’t seem to get out from under it.”_   
_“You will.”_   
_“How can you be so certain?”_   
_“Because you are the strongest person I know and if anyone can, it will be you.”_   
_“Stay with me for a few minutes?”_

_Oliver hesitated but one look at her and he knew he couldn’t leave. “Ok, let me go get my pillow.”_

_All she could do was smile up at him as fresh tears slowly made their way down her cheeks. Her pain stripped him raw but he couldn’t begin to understand the wounds that had being left inside her. Maybe she would share a little of that with him during the day, maybe he could convince her it was safe to include him on her journey._

_“Do you need anything? Any water? Something to eat?” he asked when he came back into the room._   
_“No, I’m ok. I have a bottle of water here,” she said quietly. She was sitting up, staring at the fireplace without really seeing it._   
_“Tell me about the nightmare, Felicity, you know it does no good to hold it in.”_

_She watched him walk around to the other side of the bed and climb in between the duvet and sheets. He was determined to keep a barrier separating them even though she was seeking comfort from him. His heart ached as he watched her so he opened his arms. Felicity, regardless of the hurt she was feeling, beamed a smile at him that lit the room as though the sun had come out, found her favourite spot and nestled in._

_“Ok, now tell me,” he said._   
_“It was one of the recurring ones,” she started softly, “Where I am walking past homes reduced to dust after the fires have burned everything in the city. There are no bodies, just dust and ash.”_   
_“What made you cry out like that?”_   
_“I stumbled into a river of blood and bone,” she said tonelessly, “and I found a pink ribbon again. Like one a little girl would wear in her hair.”_   
_“Again?”_   
_“In almost every dream, I find a pink ribbon. I have no idea why or what it means.”_   
_“When you are walking, what are you looking for?”_   
_“Survivors. Absolution.”_   
_“Forgiveness?”_   
_“How am I worthy of that?” she whispered as her body began to tremble against his._   
_“Because of your heart, your compassion, your genuine grief for so many people you never knew. Felicity,” he said with sudden intensity, “I will be here for as long as this takes. You never gave up on me and I have no intention of leaving you to shoulder this on your own. It is more my fault anyways.”_   
_“What?!” she asked incredulously, “How on earth is it more your fault than mine?”_   
_“I could have fought Damien sooner. I could have rallied the city long before he located Lyla and the codes.”_   
_“Oliver, you hadn’t figured out that whole magic thing,” she as her hand instinctively came to rest over the tattoo Constantine had put under his skin, “you were still so hesitant and unsure of yourself.”_   
_“But you stayed with me, you believed in me even when you had every right to leave,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. Her continued belief in him was a small miracle he would never understand but it buoyed him, gave him hope when all felt lost. If not for her voice in his head that fateful night, he would not have been able to defeat Darhk._

_Felicity laid quietly, with her head on his chest, playing with a thread that had come loose on his shirt. He watched her twirl it around her finger, winding and unwinding it, over and over again. He could feel the tension in her body ebb and flow as she played with the thread and he knew something was trying to find its way out of her mind._

_“I keep thinking about the look on Lyla’s face after I diverted the bomb,” she began hesitantly, “How she was unable to meet my eyes.”_   
_“Lyla has nothing but admiration for you,” he reassured, “She understood the impossible position you were in.”_   
_“I know,” she sighed, “but it doesn’t erase the fear I saw on her face.”_   
_“She was in awe of you, Felicity.”_

_Again, they fell into an easy silence. He could almost hear how hard she was thinking by the way she fidgeted with the duvet seam. While he waited, he closed his eyes and listened to the rain. The thunder and lightning had subsided, maybe for good, but the real, soaking rain had arrived. He silently prayed that the road crews could still find a way to fix the road so that they could get back to Star City within the next day or so._

_“I am glad you killed him,” she said softly in a hesitant voice, “I know I said you murdered him in cold blood, but he...he was deranged. You were the only one who could defeat him. In the end, you saved the world.”_

_Oliver, who had been softly rubbing her back, froze. It was like she had located another crack within him, one that went deep into the foundation of who he was, and laid her hands within it. With words, so kind and well meant, she was able to knock him off his own internal axis._

_“It’s true, Oliver,” she said, sensing his discomfort, “I think about it like I stopped the bullets but you stopped the hand on the trigger. Darhk was never going to stop until the entire world was ash. You made the hard decision, too. Maybe the hardest one.”_   
_“I...I never really thought about it like that…,” he stammered._   
_“I know. You’ve been pretty focused on the city and being a Mayor and its defender.”_   
_“Felicity, I have been doing my jobs but my focus has been on you,” he said with a firm tone, “I have been watching you unravel…I felt compelled to do something.”_   
_“I’m not your responsibility.”_   
_“No, you aren’t but you are someone I love and care about. I couldn’t...sit idly by.”_   
_“You aren’t at your best when fully at rest,” she teased gently._   
_“You know what I mean,” he chuckled as he pulled her in tighter to his side in a gentle hug._

_Felicity laughed softly and settled in next to him. He could feel the soft angles and gentle curves of her body as she did and he softly sighed. The way their bodies flowed into each other, it was like they were made for each other. The air around them felt supercharged and alive, like their individual energies had merged into one powerful force._

_“Don’t think that I don’t love you, too,” she murmured sleepily, “I just don’t know what to do with the hurt.”_   
_“I know,” he sighed, “but I’m not going anywhere.”_   
_“Mmmhmmm,” she mumbled as she fell asleep, trapping him in the bed with her._

_Oliver was at first panic stricken. He wanted to escape, to go into his cold room, lock the door and hide from her. She was eerily good at finding all the lost pieces of his soul and making him put himself back together. He was nowhere near as shattered as when they first met, but he still wasn’t complete and he knew it. Oliver stared at the ceiling and listened to the rainfall in such heavy sheets, he wondered if the resulting floods would wash them away._

_Listening to her breathe, he could tell she was already deeply asleep. Shifting his body just a tiny bit, he was able to wrap both arms around her, anchoring her to him, and kissed the top of her head. She smelled of coconuts and something like sandalwood. Felicity make a small sound of contentment and relaxed even further into him._

_Allowing his thoughts to drift, Oliver held onto her telling him she still loved him. The hurt from Havenrock and William was something he needed to give her space to heal from. It was possible that the time they had spent exploring the Universe in each other was their pathway back to each other. He was almost certain of it. With that thought in his head, Oliver drifted off to sleep, as the storm above continued to pour its fury out on the land around them._


	15. Rise Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough chapter to write. It is Felicity's POV and tackles a break through that was not easy to dive into. I still have a lot left to explore with her but some significant movement has been made even if it is two steps back.
> 
> There are some twists and turns and a lot of anger but they make some good strides towards greater communication and that ever elusive forgiveness...

Chapter Fifteen: Rise up

_Reaching up between the minutes_  
_She finds hidden secrets_  
_And shows him what love looks like._

_I_

For once, Felicity drifted up to wakefulness before Oliver did. She was surprised that sometime during the night she had turned away from him but he had followed her across the large bed. His arm was securely wrapped around her waist and his head shared her pillow. If not for the sheets separating them, she was sure their bodies would be entwined much like when they had lived together.

She could tell but the deep rise and fall of his chest against her back that he was still deeply asleep. She relaxed back into him and just enjoyed the moment of listening to the steady fall of the rain above them and the pressure of his body pressed against her. She hadn’t felt this safe in months. Maybe not since before the end of their relationship.

Closing her eyes, she thought back to earlier in the morning, after she returned to the bed by herself and tried to sleep without Oliver. She did not do very well, unfortunately, and a nightmare had descended almost immediately. She hadn’t told him the whole truth of it, that she had encountered burnt body after burnt body, some so charred they weren’t recognizable as human or that she had once again found a pink hair ribbon. She awoke with the smell of death clinging to her and never had she felt more alone than when she opened her eyes and saw that Oliver wasn’t beside her.

This time away had been good for them, both together and as individuals. She didn’t regret their conversations over the course of the last two days, nor did she regret admitting that she still loved him. It would have been an unforgivable lie on her part to say that she didn’t. She just didn’t know if she could trust him with her heart yet. She wanted to but not yet.

 _Not yet,_ she thought as she gently took his large, weathered hand in hers.  
_Not yet,_ she thought as she listened to him breathe so evenly and strongly behind her.  
_Not yet,_ she thought as the weight of Havenrock continued to push at her mind and delicate seams holding her heart together.

She knew, deep down, that there would be no one who would ever fill her heart and life like he did. When she thought about it, she felt numb, alone and like she was sinking in quicksand. Felicity would never be able to do it. It wasn’t even a matter of ‘not yet’, it was a matter of ‘how could she?’.

There was still so much love between them, still growing and changing, that she knew they would find their way back to one another. She just needed to heal from how he handled the entire situation surrounding William and she needed to figure out how to heal from Havenrock. She felt the familiar swelling of grief inside her and frantically pushed it down.

The instinct to give in to the pain was no longer so insistent. She was able to hold it but not be overwhelmed by its weight and size. Guilt pulled at her but the more she concentrated on being present, the easier it was for her to breathe. Oliver, who had delivered her to the resort on the back of the Ducati like some kind of knight in shining armour, and the storm had forced her to face all of what she was carrying inside her.

Oliver’s breathing changed and she listened to him slowly join her in the morning’s early light. She gently scratched up and down his forearm as she watched the rain pour down the window. With the road washed out, they might be trapped here for a week if the rain didn’t stop. She was familiar with area and this much rain would spell disaster soon.

“Hey,” Oliver mumbled.  
“Hey,” she said softly, “Good morning.”  
“How’d you sleep?”  
“Soundly,” she said with a soft smile crossing her face.

Oliver tightened his arm around her in a gentle hug then she felt his body relax, lulling her back to sleep. Felicity would never admit it, but she was wishing for their stay at the cottage to never end. She kept thinking about their time in Bali and Positano, where they had rented villas and cabins that were isolated from the rest of the local population and how perfect that had been. Sadness flooded through her as she remembered the endless nights entwined with Oliver and the ecstasy they shared in quiet bedrooms halfway around the world.

Closing her eyes, she remembered the time they spent on the Isle of Capri, the bike ride in Positano where they got lost even though they had a map. She remembered the Mediterranean Sea and how warm the water had been and the pastel colours of the village as it rose above the water. It was a small slice of heaven and there were days she wished they had never left to return to Ivy Town.

“I guess we should get up,” Oliver murmured next to her ear.  
“Maybe...do we have food for breakfast?” she asked in an effort to distract them both from the sudden heat that had sprung up between them. It was moving her closer to the line Oliver had talked about the night before. Neither one of them was prepared for that but here they were, sharing comfort and strength even when all the odds were stacked against them.  
“We have some fruit and crackers,” he chuckled.  
“I hope the power comes back on soon otherwise we are going to starve,” she grumbled.

Before Oliver could respond there was an insistent knock at the door. They looked at each other in surprise and Oliver left her to go and answer it. She strained to listen, to hear what was happening, but all she heard was the intensity of the rain as it fell in sheets all around them. The storm was passing now, she could tell by the way the light had changed becoming lighter and less oppressive, so she knew their time here was running out.

The front door closed and Oliver came slowly back into the room. Before she could say or ask anything, he climbed back onto the bed, got underneath the duvet and moved back in behind her. She felt the tension in his body and knew something was up. Whomever was at the door had told him something that set his nerves on edge.

“What is it, Oliver? Who was that?” she asked hesitantly.  
“It was the resort admin. The storm is headed straight towards Star City and I am needed. Mayor Queen, that is.”  
“How are you going to get back?”  
“A transport helicopter is coming for us in two hours.”  
“What about the Ducati? How will you get that home?”  
“I’ll come back with Thea in her car. That’s the only way I can do it.”  
“The perils of a secret identity,” she chuckled.

Oliver laughed and absentmindedly nuzzled his face against her neck. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, so his stubble had become a prickly beard. It tickled her but also set her body on fire. She tried to laugh it off, but the impulse to turn towards him became a need, not a desire, she wanted to satisfy and that realization almost made her run from the bed and him.

“Well, I guess we better get up and get ready,” she said overly brightly in an attempt to cool things off between them.  
“Yeah, it would be nice to have power though,” he said with a sigh.

As if on cue, the the lights came back on and she could hear the fridge begin to hum. The thought of being able to cook some food made her stomach start to rumble extremely loudly. She felt Oliver stiffen and then he burst out laughing.

“Ok, I hear you,” he teased, “I’ll go make some breakfast. I’ll see what’s still good.”  
“The stuff in the freezer should be ok.”  
“We’ll see. I don’t want to poison us.”  
“I almost don’t care, I am so hungry.”  
“Why don’t you shower and get ready while I cook?”  
“What about you? Don’t you want a shower?”  
“If there’s time after I breakfast.”  
“Ok...I hope we have steak.”  
“I am pretty sure that went bad,” he said apologetically, “But I’ll make that up to you, ok?”  
“Oooooook,” she mock groaned.

Oliver just shook his head and chuckled as he left the room to prepare them something she was sure would be amazing. Felicity made her way into the shower and stood under the hot, luxurious spray. It felt good to wash away the horror of her nightmares away and just relax. Even shampooing her hair felt amazing. For a brief, shining, steamy moment she forgot about Havenrock. She forgot about the oppressive weight of grief that threatened to suffocate her if she stopped moving. In the cascading water, she let go of some of the hurt surrounding William and how Oliver had pushed her so hard and far away, she had literally felt the air leave her lungs.

She stood in that moment like it was her own private sun beam and let it infuse her body, her cells, her soul and her heart with warmth and a small slice of kindness. She had forgotten how good it felt to just be, to touch the universe with her mind and let go of the sadness and hurt of her life back in Star City. Nothing in the world would make her feel better than to feel like this at least once a day until it was all the time, she thought.

As she rinsed out the condition from her hair, she froze. Oliver had offered to make up the steak dinner to her and she had accepted. A date. A dinner date. She had said yes to a dinner date. Blinking the water out of her eyes, she contemplated just what that meant. A small fist of fear took root in her gut but gave way to nervous anticipation. She said yes without hesitation and decided to honour that decision.

After getting dressed and gathering up their meagre belongings from her room, she went to join Oliver. What greeted her first was the the glorious smell of bacon and eggs. Somehow, some way, he had located bacon in the freezer that was still cold and not spoiled and eggs, which he informed her came from the resort that morning. She felt her stomach turn itself inside out in its desire to be fed.

“Oliver, this is the best breakfast ever,” she said through a mouthful of eggs.  
“Oh, I almost forgot something!” he exclaimed as he jumped up and went into the kitchen. He returned with a carafe of coffee, a small jug of cream and two large mugs.  
“Oliver...how could you forget THAT?” she asked in mock outrage while reaching for a steaming mug of freshly made, beautiful coffee.  
“I know, it is absolutely terrible of me.”  
“So, I assume the helicopter is going to land out on the highway?”  
“Yeah, the resort said it should be here by 11 am,” he said without looking up from his breakfast. The tone of his voice was gentle, resigned and a little sad to her ears.  
“Where is the helicopter going to land? I’d offer Palmer Tech, but I am still not allowed in the building,” she said bitterly.  
“Still? Your board…”  
“Are the biggest assholes on the planet? Yes, yes they are.”  
“We better get going,” he chuckled, “Grab the raincoats and and I’ll grab a bag to throw our stuff in.”  
“What about the telescope?” she asked as she looked out at the living room one last time.  
“I’ll pick it up when I can get back to get the bike.”  
“Ok...Oliver?”  
“Yeah,” he answered distractedly as he packed up their few clothes.  
“Thank you. For all of this.”

He stood up straight and turned to look at her. His expression, for once, was unreadable so she waited for him to speak. A ball of anxiety started to roll through her stomach. He hated when she thanked him but he earned this one and she was ready to fight him on it.

“If you ever need anything like this again...let’s take your car,” he deadpanned.  
“You hate my driving,” she teased.  
“I said take your car, not that you would drive,” he admonished gently and ducked as she threw the raincoat at him.

There was a knock at the door, saving Oliver from further clothing attacks.

“Well, I guess it is time to rejoin the world,” he sighed.  
“I guess so,” she murmured, “Let’s go.”  
“Will you be ok in the helicopter?”  
“I’m ok flying, Oliver.”

Laughing, Oliver opened the door and together they ran for the highway through the rain to the waiting helicopter. Within moments they were up in the air and heading back to Star City. The wind had died down completely and the rain was slowly tapering off which only complicated their ascent a tiny bit. They hit an air pocket and dipped slightly before the pilot righted them and then they rose up into the sky. Felicity reached out and grabbed Oliver’s hand to calm herself. After a moment, he laced their fingers together and held it throughout the half an hour flight.

 

II

 

Felicity made her way back up to the loft after being dropped off by Thea, who had met them at the airfield. The storm was heading straight towards Star City from over the bay and it had the potential to be larger than the one they had weathered in the cottage. At least the power was on and the wind was still calm, for that she was thankful. Oliver had given her a hard hug and promised to check in after his meetings with his Emergency Response teams. In a blink of an eye, he was gone and Thea was pulling her towards her car.

Entering her home she was struck by how many echoes there were, how many angles and corners. She felt like she was surrounded by edges and hard, unforgiving surfaces after just a few short days in that small, cozy cottage. It was still early but all she wanted to do was curl up in front of the fire and wait out the storm but she needed to shop, to re-engage with her life in a somewhat more positive way and, most of all, she needed to charge her phone.

Just as she plugged it in, there was an enormous crack of thunder and flash of lightning and the storm roared into life and began its assault on Star City. Felicity froze in front of the large windows on the main level of her loft. She stared unseeing out at the city as the rain came, lashing the windows with driving sheets of rain.

The thunder rolled over the city, shaking and rattling everything in its wake, and it shook her from her reverie. She backed up and all made her way slowly to the living room, not taking her eyes off of the windows. Felicity fought the urge to run up to her room to ride out the storm because part of her knew she really shouldn’t be in front of all that glass if the storm got stronger.

Making up her mind as the lightning flashed again, she dashed up to her room and got changed into her sweatpants and shirt. She knew exactly where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do. Within a few minutes she was out the door and in the elevator headed down to the garage to retrieve her car. She contemplating walking but the rain had started and she wanted to get to the lair without getting soaked. The rain wasn’t just pouring, it was driving down, hard enough that the sound was deafening as it pounded her car’s rooftop.

A few minutes later, she pulled into the lair’s garage and for a few minutes she simply sat in her car and looked into the space she shared with Oliver. Thea wasn’t all that interested in donning her leather suit lately, so the defense of the city came to rest on her’s and Oliver’s shoulders. Up until yesterday, she wasn’t sure if she could continue but now knew she could. She had found a small wellspring of determination to push forward and make sure this people of Star City were safe.

But first, she needed to to handle something for herself, something that made itself known in her nightmares. She had two things she needed from Oliver’s workbench: a sledgehammer and goggles. Selecting the hammer she could lift, but would also be heavy enough to get the job done, she placed it by the elevator and went back into the lair. Felicity had thought a lot about her dream, the one where she was trapped in the courtyard and Oliver had to work to free her, and felt compelled to find her way into the centre of the building. It was all she could think about on the journey home and since walking was not something she could do at the moment, busting down a section of wall could help burn through the nervous energy that had taken hold of her.

Rummaging around in her trunk, she found an old plastic tarp she used once during a mission and then headed up the elevator, sledgehammer and goggles in hand, and got set to begin her remodeling. She knew she might not be able to bust through the wall but she could get it started.

She was tired of feeling trapped by the embrace of her life. She wanted to be free but the only way for that happen was for her to find her way out, for her to burst free from what her mind was doing to her. What better way to take control of her mind than to literally start tearing down a brick wall? she thought.

Felicity walked all the way around the office, trying to see if the rain had revealed a bricked in doorway that she could find to start hitting the other side of. She thought she could see a faint trace of an arch on the wall across from her office, so she went to check and see what she could find. Felicity pulled a file cabinet away from the wall and saw a seam that could be showing where the new drywall had been put up. Laying the tarp out to catch any debris, Felicity put the goggles on and picked up the sledgehammer.

The first strike almost ripped her right arm out of its socket. She had picked the lightest hammer, but it was still hugely heavy and the physics of it meant that this was going to hurt but she was determined to pull the drywall away to find the brick underneath. After a few hits, Felicity was able to grab a corner and pull to see what was underneath.

The bricked up doorway was under the drywall. She had found it, at long last, there is was. Picking up the sledgehammer, she started to hit the wall. Every hit jarred her shoulders and back but she pushed the pain out of her mind. She was suddenly gripped by a desire to get into the courtyard. She had been kept out for so long, to finally get inside and uncover its secrets, that it was all she wanted.

Just as she pulled the sledge hammer back and was readying to slam it into the wall again, there was a volley of thunder and lightning strikes. She thought she smelled ozone and retreated far back into her mind, triggered by the storm. She was transported to one of her nightmares where the nuclear warhead had exploded, completely obliterating the city centre and vaporizing its inhabitants.

She swung the hammer at the wall and screamed in rage. Over and over, she hit the wall, shattering the drywall, pulverizing the inner brick wall, as the frustration and anger of being put in the position of having to make a choice that resulted in the deaths of so many. Each strike against the brick wall caused her body to vibrate from her shoulders to her feet, but she didn’t care. Felicity had retreated to such a deep space within herself that pain was no longer registering.

Her mind sunk into chaos. Flashes of images from her nightmares kept rising, unbidden, from the depths of her unconscious mind. Burned bodies, piles of ash, toys left to rot in the nuclear wasteland she created because of Damien Darhk. That evil, cruel, psychopathic madman who wanted only for the world to burn.

Instead, his actions had forced her to work with her recently returned father, convince Cooper to sacrifice his life and ultimately, annihilate a city full of innocent civilians. He had pulled the trigger to destroy the entire world and if not for her, she knew it would have become a nuclear wasteland. Lyla tried to contain the damage to her psyche by calling it a ‘necessary sacrifice’. But she had said that while looking at Felicity in abject terror and fear.

“Necessary sacrifice,” Felicity said bitterly as she swung the hammer at the wall, “Forty thousand necessary sacrifices. All because a mad man couldn’t get his way.”

Tears of rage poured down her dust caked face. She wiped them away and continued her assault on the office wall. Decades worth of plaster and brick debris flew around her, landing on the tarp and getting caught in her hair and clothes. She was starting to sweat so she took her shirt off and set to work in her sports bra. No one could see her so she didn’t care. The physical exertion was breaking her apart but she needed to take what was inside of her and burn it out of her body.

She felt a burst of panic and grief suddenly find its way to the surface of her mind. It swirled and churned and dropped her to her knees. And Felicity wailed. She wailed and cried and clawed at the tarp trying to find something to hold onto. Pieces of drywall and brick ground themselves into her hands and legs and under her fingernails but she didn’t feel any of it. All she felt were the deaths of so many as they pushed their way out of her mind.

The storm continued to rage around her. The thunder shook the windows and the lightning was striking so close she could feel the impact in her bones. Staggering to her feet, she picked up the hammer and renewed her assault on the wall. Her hands stung and burned but she ignored them and peeled away layer after layer of brick, exposing the bones of the building. She hadn’t given any thought to what to do if she made it all the way through the wall and she didn’t care. The courtyard was waiting and nothing could stop her from getting to it.

From somewhere deep within her mind, from a corner that had been robbed of light for months, William and Samantha rose up in front of her. His son. Oliver’s son. Who still had no idea Oliver WAS his father. The son he abandoned her for when she was still critically injured after Damien’s men shot up their limo. The son he sent away. The son he pushed her away for repeatedly.

She didn’t blame William, or even Samantha, for what happened. Oliver made his choices and the end result was she left him and their relationship. Her heart had been shattered, pulverized and scattered across the galaxy by his decisions. But she pushed all that down. Felicity didn’t want to feel the sadness or tumultuous grief, she wanted to feel the rage. That white hot, living beast that was clawing to escape her mind, body and soul.

She had cried, sobbed and wailed in private. She had chosen to escape the rage by living in the grief. In a space of numbness that kept her in limbo, not really living life but simply existing. Then Havenrock happened and she lost the thread of her life. She had sunk below the pain and let herself become immobilized by it for months.

There was no stopping the rage as it poured out of her. Every time she remembered a lie Oliver told her so that he could go and be with his son while she laid in a hospital bed, paralysed from the waist down, she howled as she swung the sledge hammer at the wall. For every lie, for every excuse, she lived in the pain her body was in and swung with all her might. For every missed chance to support her as she faced surgery after surgery for the multiple gunshots wounds, she faced the rage and pain and swung as hard as she could. She stopped feeling the jolts of pain, she only felt the devastation of losing her heart to a man who had no idea how to honour it.

Felicity slipped into a fugue state. She was vaguely aware of a throbbing pain in her back and shoulders with each sledge hammer hit on the exposed brick wall, she watched debris fly all around her as though from across the room. Time was moving differently for her in this dual consciousness. She watched in slow motion as the day advanced and night began its descent. With no sky to see, or moon to illuminate the exterior walls, she could only guess at what time it actually was.

A breath of fresh air flowed over her letting her know she had made it through to the other side. She intensified the slamming into the wall. She wanted only to be in that courtyard, to dig into the grass, to find the hidden garden she knew was under all that overgrowth and debris. She wanted to tear the wall down with her bare hands, to free the heart of the building so that it could breathe.

Then it happened. She hit a section of the wall and a crack appeared. It spread out in a spider web pattern across the brick in the doorway. Felicity paused for a moment and then hit the centre of the pattern as hard as she could, hoping that it would fall to pieces and that is exactly what it did.

In an almost silent cascade, the wall fell at her feet. Bricks and wire, dust and bones, it was all the same to her. She saw only the crumbled buildings of Havenrock as they now looked and the sun bleached bones of those that once called it home. The sledge hammer slipped from her exhausted grip and Felicity finally reclaimed her mind. She rocked back and forth for just a moment and then stepped through the hole.

The air smelled sweet, not as fetid as she thought it would, it was floral and earthy. She crossed to the fountain in the centre of the space and sank to the ground, she curled up in a ball underneath it and wept. She let her mind fracture under the weight of the guilt and closed her eyes. The rain was cool against her hot, sweaty skin but she failed to feel it or that someone was calling her name over and over.

The hole she had made was small and as she lay on the wet ground, under a sky that was just beginning to unleash its fury, someone picked up the sledgehammer and opened the hole up even further. But she didn’t hear or feel the hurried strikes in her daze. Nor did she feel the strong hands that searched her body looking for injuries, she failed to register the powerful arms that scooped her up and the kind, quiet voice that whispered in her ear as she was carried to the elevator and down to the lair.

Her ability to properly process what was real and what her mind had generated had diminished to the point where she was certain that she was being swept away in a river of cooling ash. She didn’t feel the sudden drop in temperature as she entered the lair. She didn’t feel the water and gentle removal of debris from her wounded hands, arms, legs and face.

She stared unseeing into two blue eyes, wide with deep concern, as pieces of brick continued to fall out of her hair. Strong arms once again picked her up and moved her to the soft couch by her comcentre. Feeling the weight of a blanket wrap around her, the softness of a pillow under her head, she closed her eyes and plunged into a nightmare of her own creation.

_She was standing under a clear blue sky and could see from horizon to horizon. Clouds passed in front of the sun and their shadows swept over the land. Somewhere close by was a stream or river and she could smell it on the light breeze. It was a beautiful, warm summer day._

_There were no piles of ash or wafting pillars of smoke to show where something was smoldering. She realized, after looking across a meadow filled with wildflowers, that there was no death surrounding her. She felt the grip of guilt and grief slowly loosen inside her mind, allowing her to take a deep breath. She closed her eyes and turned her face to the hot sun. It’s heat was reassuring and familiar._

_Felicity walked up a small pathway that wound its way around and through a small wooded area. She loved the smell in amongst the trees. It was damp, earthy and green. She heard branches crack and fall to the forest floor. She watched a doe and her fawns make their way cautiously past her. They eventually blended into the dense undergrowth and disappeared out of sight._

_Where am I? she wondered, Nothing looks familiar…_

_She looked up through the trees and marveled at the filtered light from the sun. It barely reached her, keeping the air cool and fresh. She took a deep breath and just stood still, listening to and feeling the life that surrounded her. When she heard a small rumble of thunder, she began her walk again._

_The rumble got louder and louder until it was roaring overhead. She clapped her hands over her ears and tried to find shelter. But she was out in the middle of nowhere. There was literally nowhere for her to run to. The roaring wasn’t from anything natural and she was terrified about what it could actually be._

_She exited the woods and came face to face with a city on fire. She was looking at Havenrock from far enough away that she could see the drifting remains of the mushroom cloud that had formed with the nuclear strike. Nothing was left of the city but a crater and smoking remains of a city well loved._

_Felicity sank to the ground and watched. She bore witness to the devastation and horror that was visited upon it. There was nothing she could do, so she scanned the far horizon for signs of life, she said a silent prayer for the dead and lowered her head._

 

III

She awoke with a small start and tried to figure out where she was and who was was sitting next to her. She didn’t immediately sit up or move and when she tried she found that she couldn’t. Her neck, back and arms were one big knotted mess of pain. She could hear whimpering and realized the sounds were coming from her.

“Hey,” came a quiet, familiar voice, “Are you awake?”  
“I think so.”  
“Let me help you sit up,” Oliver said, “now stay there. I’ll be right back with something to help with the pain.”

Felicity couldn’t have stood up if she tried. Her entire body was experiencing pain on a level she didn’t think was possible. She glanced down at her hands and saw they were bandaged, as were parts of her arms and legs. She looked up at Oliver as he crossed back to where she was sitting and saw only guarded fear and concern on his face. He was carrying a mug of steaming tea, most likely some awful tasting concoction from his Island days, and one of his hoodies.

“Here, let me help you put this on,” he offered as he put the tea on the table across from her, “Otherwise you are going to catch a chill.”  
“I can do it myself, Oliver.”

He didn’t say anything in response. He simply handed the hoodie out for her to take and waited. She tried to reach out for it but moving her arm up resulted in an enormous stab of white hot pain that left her breathless. She felt hot tears spill down her cheeks and looked up at him, silently pleading with him to help make the agony coursing through her stop. Gently, he helped her slip it up her arms and did it up for her.

“I think you might have to hold the mug for me,” she said ruefully.  
“Ok, but it needs to cool off just a bit,” he said softly as he sat back down beside her.  
“Oliver?”  
“Yeah?”  
“How long was out?” she asked hesitantly.  
“A couple of hours,” he informed her gently.  
“You can go if you need to,” she said in a shaky voice.  
“Nope,” he said with a strained smile as he reached for the mug of tea, “Not until you drink this and can walk on your own.”  
“We may be here forever,” she grumbled.  
“Here,” he said as he shifted on the couch so that he faced her, “Take a sip of this tea. It is a Yao Fei special.”

Cautiously, Felicity took a sip. Unsurprisingly, it tasted absolutely awful. She took a longer sip, knowing it would work because she trusted Oliver and his medicinal creations, and then sighed. She knew she had brought this upon herself, all of it, so she sat back and resigned herself to accepting it.

“Come here,” he said as he very carefully pulled her to him.  
“Do you have any of Diggle’s special aspirins hanging around?” she whimpered.  
“You can have one when you get home,” he chuckled, “ You need to give the tea a chance to work. Have some more. It will help.”  
“Ok. It tastes awful, by the way.”  
“That’s a good thing. The worse it tastes, the better it works.”

Felicity choked down the tea and pulled the blanket around her, seeking warmth and comfort. She was embarrassed that Oliver had once more rescued her from herself. She sat, borrowing his strength and warmth, and thought about what she had really accomplished and if it was worth it in the end.

“What were you thinking?” he asked in a voice choked with emotion.  
“I don’t know that I _was_ thinking,” she sighed sadly, “I just...I needed to get into the courtyard. I needed to break the wall down.”  
“I tried calling you but you didn’t answer. I went to the loft but you weren’t there…”  
“So you came here.”

Oliver remained silent. His energy was unreadable to her as she leaned into him. She hazarded a glance up at him and saw that he was staring straight ahead, looking like he was weighing what he was going to say against what he would leave unsaid.

“At first I couldn’t find you,” he slowly began, “I came down here first to look but when I saw your car and not you, I went upstairs to your office.”  
“I must have made such a mess,” she said.  
“You did. But that isn’t how I found you, not even the wind blowing through gave you away.”  
“What did you see? How did you find me?”  
“The blood. It...your blood was everywhere. It was smeared and splattered against the wall, on the floor, on the sledgehammer handle...but then I found you…,” and it was here that his voice cracked. He was trying to be factual and matter of fact, but all of the emotion he was trying to hide came screaming out, “I thought someone had hurt you. I...I thought the sledgehammer had been used on you. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing.”  
“Oliver…I’m ok,” she tried to sound comforting but her voice failed her. She had no idea what she had looked like in the tall grass, covered in blood and dust, but given his expression and the tension in his body, it must have been bad.  
“No, Felicity,” he said shaking his head, “Don’t. You’re not.”  
“I’m sorry but I didn’t do that so you could rescue me,” she said bitterly, “It was about me, not you.”  
“After the last three days, I thought you were...on your way past that,” he said sadly, his face falling in defeat, “I had no idea it would push you to this.”  
“It didn’t. It’s something I needed to do.”  
“Why?” he asked as he moved away from her, forcing her to sit up, “Look at your hands. You ripped off two nails on your left hand and three on your right. Ripped them off, Felicity. I had to pull shards of stone and brick out of your palms. Somehow you skinned your knees and then ground in drywall and brick dust. Thank God you were wearing goggles to protect your eyes because the shards of brick scrapped your face raw all the way around them.”

Felicity looked at her hands and tried to imagine the damage she had done. Given how much they hurt, she knew her injuries weren’t minor. She looked up at Oliver and saw that his tension had given way to guilty sorrow. He was looking down at his own hands, lost in thought and shutting her out once again. Her rage had burned itself out but it still scraped something deep inside her raw.

“I was screaming at the wall,” she said quietly, “I kept remembering the things you said to me when I was in the hospital. How you kept me so in the dark about your son while everyone else knew. I was humiliated. But...I had to wall all of that off inside me to save him from Damien. And then we had to save the world...I had put myself in a prison that was suffocating me.”  
“What do you mean? Suffocating you…?”  
“I couldn’t breathe. After Havenrock I was buried under a mountain of grief and guilt. I still am. Breaking down that wall...it was all I could think about. I needed to do it. By myself.”  
“You don’t have to do everything alone.”  
“That’s rich coming from you,” she snorted.

Oliver shot up from the couch and paced a few steps away. She had seen him angry a few times, he was a fearsome sight when he was, but he was furious now. When he turned to face her, his eyes were dark, stormy, and spitting lightning at her. His hands had balled themselves into fists and his body was taut, ready to snap if pushed any further. She thought she could hear the thunder of his thoughts as they rolled and crashed against each other in his mind. He seemed to grow in size in front of her eyes the longer he kept his rage inside.

“What?” she all but shouted at him, suddenly angry enough to sit straight up despite the pain, “Do you think I’d just forget being paralysed from the waist down, looking for you when I woke up from having yet another bullet dug out of my body only to be told you had ‘business’ in Central City?”  
“I’ve explained…” he started, his voice dark and strained.  
“No, Oliver, no more explanations,” she said with a firm shake of her head, “You have explained more times than I care to count but you have never, not once, apologized.”  
“I don’t know how,” he said in a tight voice.  
“YOU DON’T KNOW HOW?” she shouted incredulously. The anger pushed her into standing on unsteady legs as she took a few small steps towards him.  
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t seem genuine!” he yelled, “I had...destroyed us. You. And how pathetic would an ‘I’m sorry’ have sounded after that?”  
“It would have been better than nothing! It makes me think you would do it again,” she said through clenched teeth.  
“No, Felicity…”  
“Yes, Oliver. Yes. How can I trust you with my heart again?” she asked as tears began to flow, stinging the tiny cuts on her cheeks, “I know you are trying. The resort cottage was...it was good but…”  
“When I found you, I thought you were dead. You were literally covered in blood. Then I thought maybe your legs weren’t working again. I couldn’t get you to stand up or walk. I thought…,” he trailed off helplessly, now no longer angry. Felicity looked into his eyes and saw the stormy blue was calming down to a soft cobalt, the colour they turned when he had nothing left to hide. She so loved his eyes and the way they said everything his heart could not.

“I was breaking down the walls I had built to keep you out,” she said softly, “If not for our time at the cottage, I don’t know that I would have had the courage to do that.”  
“Everything I have done for the last two months has been my attempt at an apology,” he said in a voice held tight by emotion, “because nothing I could ever say would be enough to express how truly sorry I am for...everything. For William. For Darhk. For Havenrock.”  
“See how easy that was?” she smiled sadly, “But Havenrock is mine and mine alone, Oliver. And Darhk...Darhk was a remnant from Ra’s. The League failed all of us. Again.”  
“But it’s too late for an apology,” he said simply. His shoulders slumped and he looked at her with eyes now shining with tears he was holding back with all that he had.  
“How do you know that? How can you know that?” she asked.  
“I...Isn’t it?” he was genuinely mystified.  
“I don’t know, Oliver,” she answered as she took a few tentative steps towards him. She really wanted to sit down again but felt drawn to him. In her moments of need, he was a lighthouse for her, guiding her back to safety, and she knew the same was true for him.

Oliver stood ramrod straight, not moving a muscle, watching her every movement. She couldn’t tell if he was wary, concerned or ready to bolt. With Oliver, she has learned, it could be a combination of all three. The cottage had brought them closer together, closer than they had been in months, but it was an artificial closeness. It wasn’t necessarily earned so much as a happenstance of the storm. If they were to cross the chasm between them, it had to be honestly and with nothing left to hide.

“Oliver, the cottage helped loosen the seams that were holding me together, and I meant it when I thanked you,” she said earnestly, “But there is so much left to heal between us. I love you but I don’t trust you with that part of me just yet.”  
“Will you ever?” he asked so quietly she almost missed it.  
“Maybe. You’re right that the last month has been one big apology,” she admitted, “And I cannot thank you enough for keeping me safe and recognizing that I was walking off a psychological cliff.”  
“I...I could never let anything happen to you,” he said as his shoulders finally sagged and his head dropped, “Felicity, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Felicity crossed the final few steps so that she was directly in front of him, looking up into his eyes, searching for the man who reached up into the universe and drew down a nursery of stars as a gift, the man who waded into forever with her under a desert sky, the man whose heart was as large as the sun. He had plucked galaxies out of the sky and wove them around her to keep her safe. She needed to find that man again if their lives were to move forward.

“I know you want me to come back, for things to go back to how they were, but that can’t happen, Oliver,” she said softly, “We need to move forward into something new. With each other or alone.”

Oliver reached out and gently moved her hair off her forehead, letting his fingertips trail down her face. It was at this moment that Yao Fei’s tea took effect and she started to sway on her feet. He noticed immediately and very carefully, took her arm and walked her back to the couch. Sitting down beside her, he wrapped her in the gentlest embrace she had ever felt from him and felt the blanket once again get pulled up and over them.

“We need to get you home,” he murmured against the top of her head.  
“I know, my bed will be my refuge for a few days I suspect,” she mumbled.  
“It will. I’ll have Thea check on you and bring you food,” he agreed with a sigh.  
“What about you? Will you come and check?”  
“Do you want me, too?”  
“Yes. I think I do.”  
“Ok, but how about we focus on getting you into your car. Where are your keys?”  
“In the ignition.”  
“Of course.”

Felicity would have laughed but she was too dizzy and woozy to make a sound. Through half opened eyes, she saw herself being lifted in his arms and carried to her car. He sat her in the passenger seat and carefully did up the seatbelt and then watched as he got behind the wheel. The lights of Star City passed over his face, showing every angle and edge, illuminating his eyes in shades of red, yellow and white. If she could have reached for him, she would have touched the strong line of his jaw. She was tired of fighting him, the idea of him, the walls she had put up to keep her heart safe.

Luckily, it was after midnight and her building was quiet. They were able to get up to the loft unseen but as they entered their once shared home and Oliver set her down on her own two feet, she caught sight of her face and froze. Her injuries were worse than she had thought. Tiny cuts crisscrossed her face and neck and blood still oozed from the deeper ones on her cheeks.

“Oh God, Oliver...you must have been terrified,” she gasped.  
“Now I think I know how you have felt all those years.”  
“That...I mean…”  
“Come on, you need to wash your hair before you go to bed,” he coaxed gently.  
“How?” she asked in genuine confusion as she held up her bandaged hands, “My hands are throbbing.”  
“I’ll change the dressing in the morning and apply another poultice.”  
“Another Island special?”  
“Bratva,” he said with a shake of his head.  
“Ok, but again…,” she said as she held up her hands.  
“I can help,” he said hesitantly.  
“Well, let’s get it done so I can take a Diggle Special,” she said agreeably which earned her a honest smile from him.  
“You can’t kneel beside the tub...so kitchen?”  
“I need a shower. How about I keep my underwear on and you wash my hair in there?”  
“I...su...I me...we..ar…,” he stuttered in shock. Felicity burst out laughing at his embarrassment.  
“It’s ok, Oliver, I slept naked next to you two nights ago and you survived.”  
“Barely.”

Smiling at him, she reached for his arm and together they made their way to the stairs. She wanted to make it up on her own but her back and legs were refusing to work. Sighing, she allowed Oliver to pick her up and carry her up to her bedroom. Once there, he went into the bathroom and started to run the shower and she stripped down to her underwear.

It was then that she saw the extend of the damage done to her legs and arms. Her legs were a mess from the knees down and her arms...her arms were gouged and cut in so many places she lost count. Her torso was still bloody and her nerves finally released all the pent up energy she had been holding in since she woke up in the lair. She was shaking uncontrollably when Oliver came back into the room.

“Hey! Felicity,” he called in alarm, “What is it?”  
“Look at me,” she said in shock, “Look at me, Oliver.”

Grabbing a large towel from behind the bathroom door, he quickly wrapped her in it and held her as gently as he could. Felicity looked up at him and tried to calm herself down as he rubbed her back. She had been so frustrated with him at the cottage, with how he was always there to rescue her, save her, comfort her but now she was thankful. He wasn’t trying to undermine her, he was simply trying to show her that he was still her rock.

How could she not have felt the damage to her body as it was happening? What must she have looked like when he found her? Her mind was spinning, spiralling out of control and she clung to him, burying her face in his chest and just breathed as deeply as she could, slowly bringing herself back to as close a place of calmness as was achievable in her current state.

“Let’s wash my hair before I completely collapse,” she smiled weakly.  
“Ok, but be sure not to get your bandages on your hands wet. We can take the other ones off and replace them.”  
“I think you mean you as I have mittens on,” she joked in her bravest voice.  
“I’m not kidding when I say this, your hands are going to hurt a lot for a while. Even with the poultice and Yao Fei’s tea.”  
“I know,” she said sadly, “But I really did do this to myself.”  
“Come on,” he said as he carefully moved her towards the bathroom, “the shower awaits.”

It turned out to be quite an ordeal to wash her hair. Oliver stripped down to his underwear and stepped in behind her to keep her steady as she held her arms out of the way of the shower spray. His touch was so tender and careful and she closed her eyes as he gently washed the dirt and grit from her hair. She let her tears mix with the hot water, tears that formed from the pain as her knees got wet and the scabs softened. Felicity hazarded a glance down and saw rivulets of blood slowly turn pink as the hot water washed her clean.

Oliver took his time making sure her wounds were clean, that her hair was free from debris and that she her muscles were loose and relaxed. The oxycontin would help later but for now, she felt somewhat whole and pain free. She tried to keep her eyes unfocused but when she turned around to face him so he could inspect the cuts on her face, for just a moment they both just stared at each other. She could feel her heart beating irregularly in her chest and could feel his breath on her face.

How many times had they had sex in this shower? How many times had they stumbled to bed, still damp but uncaring as they made love throughout those beautiful, moon lit nights after first arriving here from Ivy Town? Too many to count and she knew they needed to get out of here before they passed the point of no return. As if reading her mind, Oliver proclaimed her clean and helped her exiting the shower. With strong but gentle hands, he helped her dry off and gently towel dried her hair.

“Where are your nightgowns?” he asked quietly.  
“Top left drawer,” she answered drowsily.

She heard him rummaging around, probably looking for the nightgown she wore once in Positano. It was both of their favourites and she looked forward to wearing it. She was beginning to feel the pain in her back and shoulders and hoped he hurried up so she could take her pill and go to sleep.

“Here, just lift your arms up halfway,” he coaxed.  
“Oh God, that hurts,” she hissed with an intake of breath, “Wait, my bra. I...I can’t sleep in it.”  
“Ok how about this, I undo it, you take it off and slip your arms through the arm holes of the nightgown while I look away.”  
“Ok,” she said, “First...can I have a pain killer?”  
“Yeah, I think it’s time,” he said and relinquished a small white pill for her. He got her a glass of water and helped her take a big swig to wash it down.

It took some doing and a fair amount of swearing on her part to get the nightgown on. Quickly, she worked her panties off and felt free and comfortable for the first time in hours. Patiently, she waited as Oliver reapplied bandages to the worst of her wounds and made sure none of the other ones were bleeding. She watched his face, searching for any hidden thoughts that he might be keeping from her but all she saw was a tenderness that was full of concern and love.

With Oliver’s help, she made her way back to her bed and slowly sank into its soft embrace. He was so careful as he tucked her in that she had to smile. Reaching out, she touched his arm, frustrated that she couldn’t feel his skin. No matter what, just the feel of him could bring her such peace it tended to rock her world under her feet.

“What? Are you in pain?” he asked in quiet alarm.  
“No, no, I...just...Could you stay until I fall asleep?”  
“Of course,” he smiled as he smoothed the hair from her forehead.  
“It shouldn’t take long,” she smiled ruefully.  
“I know,” he chuckled, “I’ll be on the loveseat, ok?”  
“Ok. You can stay the night in front of the fire if you want,” she mumbled as the oxycontin began to take hold.  
“I can do that, too,” he whispered as she struggled to keep awake, “I won’t leave you tonight.”  
“...k…I love you, Oliver,” she mumbled as darkness stole her away.

 

_That night Felicity’’s dreams were chaotic, full of bright colours and laughter. She felt the familiar touch of Oliver’s hands on her body, his soft voice in her ear as he would whisper poetry to her as he made love to her for hours at a time. She felt herself falling through time and space, looking for her origin story out in the galaxy, away from the tension of the city. Oliver held her safely in his arms until it was time to let her go, let her walk on her injured feet. She needed to find her path again, the one that was exclusively hers in the universe. She felt the tender press of Oliver’s lips on her forehead and all of the chaos faded to a serenity she hadn’t felt since they left Star City the first time. She felt happy and alive and wanted to remain with him here._

_As morning drew near, she sunk deep into her subconscious mind and all her dreams ceased. She managed to sleep until noon the next day without once succumbing to the horror of her mind._


	16. Interlude Part Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Oliver's POV that follows, quite closely, the previous chapter. So much happened in that one that Oliver's perspective needed to be shared. As with his chapters, the first section is fairly narrative heavy with very little conversation and the second part is dialogue heavy.
> 
> His reactions are important to discuss because they provide insight to Oliver's lasting ptsd and the grief he carries.  
> I listened to a lot of Hamilton's Wait For It and It's Quiet Uptown while writing this so it is pretty depressing lol
> 
> But there is movement, it is unspoken, but it is there.

**_Chapter Sixteen: Interlude Part Eight_ **

_Her heart shattered into dust_   
_As he held it in his hand_   
_And scattered on the breeze._

_I_

_When the helicopter arrived to take them back to Star City, he had hoped the storm would undergo a resurgence and the lightning and thunder would force them to cancel the flight. He wanted to stay at the cottage forever with just Felicity. He was terrified that when they got back to Star City, she would push him away and he would lose her again. He hoped she would see what he was trying to do with actions and not words. He didn’t want to save her, he wanted to give her some peace in the maelstrom that was her life._

_The morning had been as close to reclaimed bliss as he could ever have hoped for. Their time away had been both incredibly difficult but also profoundly revealing. He was still in love with her, deeply and hopelessly, and she still loved him, too. Yet they were so far apart in ways that made a reconciliation look almost impossible from where he stood. But the memory of lying in bed, with her in his arms, talking about breakfast and the things they wanted to do in the moment would sustain him for days to come if necessary._

_When they parted company, he embraced her, wrapping her in his arms and promised he would call her later in the day. He had a lot of things to check up on at City Hall but he was concerned that they had stirred up a lot of emotion and in her current fight or flight state of mind, anything could happen. He was planning on heading out in his other occupation as soon as he was done for the night as Mayor but Felicity would always be his first concern._

_After Thea returned, and giving him a long side eye and sisterly shake of the head, they got to work on making sure all emergency responders were ready to go once the storm hit. It was a big one, with a lot of electrical activity that might disrupt service in vulnerable areas. Thea carefully texted to him while they were in a meeting that she could stay so he could ‘tour the affected neighbourhoods’. He gave her a quick wink and made plans to leave once the storm was well under way._

_It would look less suspicious if he said he was going to inspect neighbourhoods that might need help once the storm was over. He also wanted to check on the roads leading into and out of Star City. If he needed to get other towns or the state on board for maintenance or repairs, he wanted to do that as soon as possible. He grabbed a quick coffee and sandwich in his office while signing the necessary orders to make sure law and order was maintained when he felt, more than heard, the rumbling of the thunder and saw the quick flash of lightning signalling the storm was about to arrive._

_Turning in his seat, he spied the deep purply grey clouds pushing into the city. He’d seen clouds like that before on Lian Yu. The storm cell was a big one and they were in for quite a light show. Just as he was about to turn his attention to the papers in front of him, the thunder boomed high overhead and the lightning didn’t just flash, it strobed and attacked the city for what felt like an eternity. Oliver froze in his seat, his heart racing out of control, and he waited until there was a break in the onslaught before reaching for his phone._

_Felicity must be in a panic, he thought as he hit her number on speed dial, this storm was loud like the one at the resort. All he heard was the busy signal that accompanied the cell service cutting in and out and he was unable to get a call through. Oliver hoped that she was home, working on a take over of Palmer Tech from in front of her fireplace and not driving or walking the streets of downtown. Travel was now being restricted to prevent stalled vehicles in emergency vehicle pathways and the citizens of Star City had been asked to remain indoors and away from windows._

_Oliver dismissed his staff before the curfew and sent Thea on her way to the protected offices in the inner part of City Hall. He was going to join the fire department in the Glades and then sneak away so he could do a patrol along the waterfront. There was a rise in organized crime and he was hearing rumblings of a war about to go down now that HIVE and Darhk were gone and he wanted to get a feel for the players._

_His tour of the city during the storm went slowly. Far too slowly for his liking but the advantage was that no one was on the streets. The police scanner was only reporting false alarms and power outages, so he felt somewhat relieved that his time at the resort had not resulted in a crime wave. Periodically, he attempted to call Felicity but she wasn’t answering. He knew her phone had died at the cottage, so she may not have turned it back on. Regardless, the longer she was unreachable, the more concerned and anxious he became._

_Shortly after nine pm, he said his goodbyes and thank yous to the men and women he had surveyed the city with and made his way back to City Hall. He paused inside his office to call Felicity and still she did not pick up. This helped him make up his mind to not go into the inner offices but instead he called Thea from the lobby to see if his presence was needed. With the storm weakening and no major damage reported, she was leaving to get some sleep and suggested he go check up on Felicity._

_Oliver called her again but again got no answer. He decided that his best bet would be to head straight to the loft. He didn’t have a key to the outside front door anymore but he knew other ways to get in and very quickly found himself knocking on her door. He tried her cell again and heard it ringing from somewhere deep inside their former home. Oliver’s chest constricted in fear and knew he had to get inside. He had no idea what was waiting on the other side of the door but he quickly located the spare key he still had for the door and quietly let himself in._

_“Felicity?” he called softly, as he scanned the darkened room for her. The lights and fireplace were all off and the loft was silent and lifeless._

_“Felicity?” he called out in a louder, sharper voice as he headed for the second level. He took the steps two at a time and looked into the bedroom. He saw the clothes she had worn home scattered on the floor but she was nowhere to be found._

_A thousand thoughts raced through his mind as he did a quick survey of the room. Her car keys were missing from the bowl she kept them in and her running shoes were gone as well. Racing down the stairs, he made his way very quickly to the garage to search for her car. He wasn’t sure what he would do if it was still there any more than he was sure what he would do if it was gone. He was fighting a rising panic and helplessness that he wasn’t sure he had the right to feel, not after a few of the things she had said to him the night before._

_Putting the argument out of his mind, he quickly made his way to his own car outside on the rain soaked street, he decided to go to the lair to see if she had landed there. If she had reverted to her nightly wanderings he would quickly suit up so that he would be able to blend into the shadows as he followed her. Oliver felt a gnawing in the pit of his stomach, like his fear and panic had joined together and were trying to escape his body as he thought about what could happen to her if he couldn’t find her. He hoped she was in her office or waiting at the comcentre, checking police scanners and planning his patrol for the night. Anything but the wandering on streets far too dangerous for her to be alone on._

_Pulling into the garage, he immediately spotted her car. He heaved a sigh of relief and sat for a few minutes in quiet thought. If she was here, she was safe and that was all that mattered to him. He was tired after the long day but felt the pull of the streets calling to him. The effortless violence of patrolling was something he had missed while they were away, not that he would admit that to her yet._

_Not yet, he thought as he put her phone in his pocket._   
_Not yet, as he mentally rehearsed what he was going to say to her._   
_Not yet, as he blinked in the dim light of the bunker._

_Something was...wrong. It was too quiet and the comcentre was dark._

_“Felicity!” he called out as he walked quickly through the lair, checking in all the darkest corners. He even checked in his room to see if she had crawled onto his bunk to grab some sleep before the late night patrols._

_“Felicity?” still no response._

_It was as he stared in puzzlement that he noticed one of his sledgehammers was missing. He did another sweep across his work area and saw his goggles were gone as well. He was flummoxed. What on earth did she need those for? Unless she was trying to bust down a wall to get to the courtyard but that made no sense to him. They had investigated where a door might be and hadn’t been able to find anything that could be a bricked up space. Something was...off and his alarm bells were now insistently going off._

_If something was wrong upstairs, he needed to be ready for it. Quickly, Oliver got changed into a shirt and sweatpants. He might need to move freely and a suit was not conducive to roundhouse kicks and takedowns. Contemplating the need for a weapon, he opted to rely on his own fists and feet and hustled over to the elevator, the sooner he got up there, the sooner his nerves would settle._

_The lights to her office were off but he called out softly to her anyways as he made his way through the space. She wasn’t in her office or the quiet space she had created for herself in front of the large window in a small alcove. The flashes of lightning were messing with his vision, creating negative shadows of the office furniture and walls every time he blinked, so he missed seeing the hole in the wall through the window he was standing in front of._

_“Felicity?” he called out, his voice growing tighter with concern. He turned on one of the tall floor lamps by her private area and noticed something strange splattered on the wall opposite the paper screen. It took him half a second to figure out it was blood. As his eyes grew accustomed to the dim light, he saw it wasn’t just a little bit of blood, it was a lot of blood._

_The hair on the back of his neck stood up and instantly he stretched his hearing out past the tight corners of his body and listened for her. Felicity used to tease him about his ability to hear a pin drop three miles away but this time he was listening for her breathing, for her heartbeat, anything to alert him to her presence._

_Using extreme care, he silently moved out into the large office space and made his way around the Japanese paper screens she had put up and approached the walkway on their opposite side on silent feet. He spotted the blood splatter on the walls and ceiling at the same time he spotted the blood coated sledgehammer lying on an old blue tarp. There was shattered drywall and pieces of brick all over it and they were all covered with blood. Too much blood._

_His mouth went dry and his heart began to beat out of time when he saw the small pools of blood with what looked like fingernails embedded in the tarp. She had fought hard but who or what had she fought? Oliver was so focused on the tarp and trying to piece together what had actually happened, that he walked right past the hole in the brick wall. He would have walked past it again has he not smelled the sudden shift in the air from wood and dust to something sweeter and green._

_He stopped in his tracks and stared at the hole in the wall that lead out into the courtyard. He tried to process what he was seeing and not seeing as the wind blew through and the storm continued to lash the city . Had she been attacked as she hammered the wall? Was she somewhere else in the office and had yet to find her? Had she hurt herself and was incapacitated and hiding?_

_“FELICITY!” he yelled. All that came back to him was the hard echo of his voice. He could feel his panic about to reach a fevered pitch when the lightning flashed a brilliant blue white and he caught sight of something under the fountain in the centre of the now revealed space._

_Peering in through the narrow hole, what he thought at first was a pile of rags, was in fact, Felicity. His mind went into strict recovery mode, all he knew was she was hurt, she needed help, and he was being prevented from reaching her by a literal brick wall. Picking up the sledgehammer, still slick with her blood, he brought it down repeatedly on the wall, trying to widen the hole enough so that he could get through._

_Between each hit on the wall, he called out to her. He told her she would be ok, that he would be through it in a no time, she just needed to listen to his voice. When the wall finally cracked and a section gave way, Oliver pulled it down with his bare hands and rushed through it in order to get to her._

_She wasn’t moving and from what he could see in the flashing light, she was covered in her own blood. Her hands, which she had instinctively curled in towards her body to protect them, were mangled. He knew she was missing nails on both hands and both palms appeared to be completely skinned. There were too many cuts for him to count and he could make out tracks through the caked on blood on her cheeks where her tears had flowed._

_He gently ran his hands over her arms and down her legs, checking for broken bones. Her eyes opened but stared unseeing past him towards one of the untouched walls. Nothing appeared broken, so he tried to get her on her feet. The rain was pounding down around them and nothing he did was bringing her back from her catatonic state._

_“Felicity, please,” he quietly begged, “I need you to look at me. Come on, baby, look at me.”_   
_And still she remained listless and unresponsive to even his most heartfelt pleas. He smoothed her wet hair away from her face, searching for the woman who could save the world with the power of her intellect and all he was were two dull blue eyes._

_“I don’t know that we can both fit through the hole if I carry you,” he explained quietly, “so I need you to stand up with me. Ok?”_

_Getting no response, he gently pulled her to a seated position and then up to her feet but she remained limp in his arms. Oliver felt his desperation growing. He needed to get her in from the rain but he also needed to bring her back to him. He had never seen her like this before, not even after she was shot and he was terrified._

_He thought for a moment that maybe her implant was misfiring and she was no longer able to walk or stand so he scooped her up and faced the hole in the wall. There was no way he could carry her through it as was, so he kicked it over and over. Sending pieces of bricks and clouds of dust back into the office, Oliver allowed his mind to retreat to a protected corner so that he could ignore the pain the kicks caused in his knees, hips and back._

_When it was wide enough, he squeezed them through and headed immediately for the elevator. He needed to get her down to the medical bay and inspect her wounds and try to bring her back. The entire short journey down, he whispered in her ear, telling her she was safe, that he would protect her and make sure she was ok but he needed her to respond to him, to acknowledge he was there and that she was somewhere in her mind._

_She looked at him with eyes that were dull but by no means lifeless. She may not be able to see him clearly, but he could see the chaos she had embraced and he could feel a swirling energy humming underneath her skin threatening to pull her apart as he held her._

_Carefully, he sat her on the edge of the med bay table. He wanted to see if she could sit up on her own as a way of testing her back implant but she was too limp, too disengaged from the present to remain upright. Oliver laid her down then went to prepare a tray for the tools he needed to clean her injuries. Still quietly talking to her, he began to take an inventory of her wounds._

_Her hands, usually so soft and deft, were mangled. She was missing nails on both hands, they looked like they had been ripped right off, and there were pieces of brick and drywall embedded in the palms. He took tweezers and gently pulled shards out of both palms and then carefully washed out the dirt and plaster. When he was done, he retrieved a small pouch containing some of Yao Fei’s herbal combinations used for wounds and mixed them with water into a thick paste. Oliver coated her battered hands with the poultice and wrapped them in large surgical bandages and gauze._

_Next he checked her head, face and shoulders. She has so many cuts on her face, more than he could count, so he wiped her face free from blood and debris and applied a tiny amount of antibiotic cream to ward off infection. He became aware of his face still being wet and wiped what he thought was rain water away but his eyes kept blurring. Oliver seldomly cried but he even rarely wept and now, as Felicity laid before him, completely locked away in the recesses of her own mind, he wept._

_He stopped for a moment, after cleaning her face free of blood and dust, and put his head down on his the table beside hers. With her eyes closed, she looked like she was asleep and resting quietly but he knew she was unconscious and he had no idea when she would wake up._

_“What was it?” he asked in a voice made soft by unshed tears, “Was the trip too much? Did I push you too hard? Too fast? Felicity...please come back.”_

_But she remained silent and locked away from him, immersed in a nightmare of her own creation. With a deep breath, Oliver resumed cleaning her body of blood and locating larger wounds that needed stitching up. His fingertips lingered over her surgical scars and over the bullet wounds and their entrances and exits._

_She had survived wounds to her body more serious than anything he had ever faced and was weathering a psychological storm so intense it required her entire focus to beat. His love for her felt like a physical force, something so real and expansive it took up space outside of his body. All he knew was that she was inimitable. Tenderly, he wiped her brow with a cool cloth and kissed the small inch of space that was free from scratches._

_“I love you, Felicity Smoak,” he whispered in her ear, “I’m willing to wait for you.”_

_He spent the next half an hour wiping her arms and legs clean, bandaged the worst of the damage she had inflicted on herself and watched her for signs she was waking up. When he looked up from cleaning her knees, he saw that her eyes were open and attempting to focus on his. With his large hands shaking, he held her face between them and waited for her to see him._

_When she blinked, he saw the beginnings of panic forming and quickly sat her up. She was able to remain upright and when he accidently bumped her leg as he sat down in front of her, she reacted just enough that he knew her implant still worked. Oliver was glad he was sitting down because the relief he felt swept through him and his legs began to shake._

_Felicity’s gaze shifted into an unfocused one and her eyes kept slowly closing. He was as done as he could be with her injuries, so he picked her up and carried her to the couch. He laid her down, covered her with a blanket and tried to figure out what to do next. Should he wait for her to wake up? Should he quickly fix the wall upstairs? Should he take her home now or later?_

_He listened to her breathing, deep and steady, and decided he had better try and rescue the floor upstairs and tape something over the hole. She had a tarp up there and he was sure he had one as well, so he searched the storage locker for it and grabbed some tape and made his way back up to the floor above._

_If he was quick, he could get the place somewhat cleaned up and the hole covered in under an hour. The storm was still dumping water on the city but the wind was dying down. The thunder and lightning was less frequent and the air felt less oppressive and heavy. He knew the worst had past and now they just had to wait, as a city, for morning._

_Observing the damage with a calm eye and mind, he had to admit to being impressed with her determination in trying to bring the wall down. Somehow she had found the right section and had just gone for it, stripping her skin from her hands and splattering her blood over the ceiling, walls and floor._

_He tracked down a large garbage can from the alley behind the building and filled it with the blood stained debris. Somehow he was able to get both tarps up and securely fastened over the hole without much trouble just in time to protect the inner office from the fresh onslaught of rain. The weather was a chasing them, he thought, it was unrelenting and violent. It was mirroring what was going on under the skin of her consciousness and what was driving him back to the streets._

_She was going to be laid up for quite a while. Her hands alone would need careful care to avoid infection and he couldn’t be sure there wasn’t nerve or tendon damage. Oliver knew she would resist his insistence that he check up on her for at least the next week but under her protestations would be the knowledge that she couldn’t do this alone. He had to chuckle sadly at how well he knew her and her usual reactions to someone reaching out to her. He would always wait for her to reach back._

_When he got back to lair, she was still buried under the shadows in her mind but her breathing had changed, it was still regular and deep, but it was different. It was calm. It was missing the panic of earlier and he felt her in the room with him and not swept away on the tsunami of grief that had flowed out of her. He watched her for a few minutes, the steady rise and fall of her chest, and the expression of her face change from the slack, limp one she had when he went upstairs to the one that had a gentleness to it. One that made her look like the woman he woke up next to earlier that same day._

_Oliver felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him. The storm, the trip, the emotional arguments and conversations were taking a toll on him. He washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face in an effort to wake himself up enough to prepare a tea Yao Fei had shared with him after he had been stabbed. It removed all pain and helped him relax. He hoped Felicity would wake up soon so that he could make it for her to drink. If she slept too long, her muscles would cramp up and the tea would be useless. He changed out of his dirty, wet clothes and went back out into the bunker._

_He sat down next to her, being careful not to jostle her, and waited for her decide to open her eyes and really see where she was and who she was with. He closed his own eyes and drifted off into a light sleep. He was completely aware of every sound and movement in the lair, and kept one hand on her back so that when she woke up, so would he._

_Oliver awoke with a small start and immediately looked down at Felicity. He had fallen into a deeper, dreamless sleep than he thought he would. Checking his watch, he saw that he had slept for two hours and that Felicity was still out like a light. It was possible that she might be out for the rest of the night and then he had a few decisions to make on whether or not he took her home or called Thea for help._

_Felicity, as though in tune with his thoughts, awoke with a small start of her own. He helped her sit up and went to make her Yao Fei’s tea. She was in her sports bra only, he hadn’t seen a shirt or sweatshirt upstairs so as the tea steeped, he went to get one of his hoodies. When he rejoined her, she was still in a daze, lost in a world that belonged to only her. She was looking at her hands as though they didn’t belong to her, like she had no idea how they got into the state they were in._

_All the adrenaline, fear and terror drained from his body and he was left with a tension he hadn’t expected to feel. He wasn’t even sure what it was about, if it was about her determination to destroy herself or if it was in his constant willingness to push aside his own feelings and inner health to continually be the rock she threw aside even as she clung to him. He felt it begin to boil deep inside him and tried to breathe it out but he was on edge and frustrated with her self-destructive path._

_Her insistence on rebuffing his help in putting on the hoodie was another example of her pointless stubbornness. There was no way she could do it up or even lift her arms to put it on. When she tried, she looked at him with eyes wide in helpless agony. Tears poured down her cheeks as he gently slipped it over her wounded hands and up her arms. He could feel the heat coming off her body from the damaged muscles and tendons. Yao’s tea would take care of all of that but she would have to trust him enough to help her drink it._

_He was relieved that she realized holding the mug of tea would be impossible and gently helped her drink enough of it that he was sure the medicinal properties would take effect soon. He had one of Diggle’s Oxycontin pills in reserve just in case the tea didn’t do the trick. She had busted through a wall that was a foot thick with a sledgehammer he used in his workouts. Her body would soon be wrapped up in the agony of recovery soon enough._

_She allowed herself to be pulled into his side as she waited for the tea to work. He could feel her muscles spasming and twitching under his hand. She was silent and he felt the tension begin to grow within him again. When he asked her why, she had no answer and he felt a flare of real anger. Not knowing wasn’t good enough. Not anymore. He couldn’t demand that she open up to him but the continual fight for honesty was wearing him down._

_He could feel her looking up at him because he knew she could feel the war going on under his skin. The muscles in his jaw jumped as he stared straight ahead and tried to gain control of his thoughts. Quietly, he described what he saw when he found her. The blood, the dust, the chaos and violence of her attack on the wall. How for a moment, a painful, helpless moment, he thought she had been attacked and was lying injured somewhere he wouldn’t be able to find her._

_When she insisted she was ok, he refused to allow her to hide behind the lie. He listed off her injuries in detail. How she had so much dust and debris ground into her skin, that he had pull out shards and clean so many cuts he stopped counting. He watched the rage in her eyes, that swirling malevolent force that hummed under her skin, slowly ebb away._

_Slowly, she shared a tiny bit of why she did what she was doing. He listened to what she wasn’t saying, to the subtext of pain that lead her to blindly attempt bringing down a wall that was structurally whole. That if she was going to survive the recovery from Havenrock, she needed to be strong enough to do it alone._

_In that instant, he heard her telling him that he would always retreat to the man he was on the island, a man alone, fighting for any patch of ground he could call his own. It ignited something in him that felt ready to burn him alive. She was actively making the same choices she left him for and she didn’t even realize it or didn’t want to acknowledge it. He was uniquely positioned to listen to her work through what was going on in her mind and she was still fighting him._

_When he suggest that maybe she didn’t need to do it all alone, she said the one thing he didn’t want to hear and his rage pushed him off the couch and away from her. Oliver was trying to maintain his composure but he wasn’t willing to sit through another lecture from her, not now. He was exhausted and had just washed more blood off of her than he ever wanted to see again, he had bandaged wounds that were going to leave scars on her body and her soul._

_But he fought it back. He reined it in and tried to focus on a point above her head so that he didn’t let loose all the pent up anger he had been denying himself the ability and right to feel. Anger about Samantha’s ultimatum that lead to the end of something so vital to him, he had to re-learn how to breathe. Rage at his father, Amanda Waller, Slade and Darhk. He felt a ferocity when he thought about Darhk and the position he put Felicity in, the way he forced her to make a Sophie’s choice between the lives in two cities._

_At the same time, he was tired. Tired of feeling like a punching bag, tired of shouldering the responsibility for his parents actions, for being the one everyone looked to for solutions when he was drowning in an ocean of pain and crippling self-doubt. He looked at her and saw she was standing, her eyes were boring in on his and they were alive, stormy and blazing with energy. He could tell she was in agony and that deflated him._

_She was right in everything she was saying but how could he say “I’m sorry” when what he had put her through and the way he had lied had betrayed both their relationship and her on such a profound level, he wasn’t sure anything he could do or say would atone for it. It didn’t matter how desperately they loved one another when she had trusted him with her heart and he had abandoned it and her out of nothing more than fear._

_Felicity was throwing her rage at him as though it were the sledgehammer and he was the wall. He felt every word like a physical blow, absorbing the hurt behind each one, feeling the pain of every syllable. Throughout the onslaught, all he could think about was how Havenrock was what was pushing her closer and closer to an abyss he would never be able to rescue her from._

_Slowly, she was closing the distance between them with tentative, pain slowed steps. He felt the storm of her anger blow past him and slowly dissipate. She was telling him that honesty was what she needed from him if she was to ever let him in and trust him again. No matter how angry she got with him, he always felt the love that defined their relationship with each other. As she looked up at him, searching his face for something she had lost track of and needed to find for both of their sake’s, he let go of his rage completely._

_Oliver knew she was right, that they needed to find a way to move forward but he was terrified that she would leave him alone forever. He searched her eyes and finally saw a glimpse of the woman who pulled him into the Universe and showed him just how infinite her love was for him. That woman, so wounded and devastated by the choice she had to make, was still alive and struggling to survive._

_Instinctively, he reached out and touched her face. It brought him comfort to feel that physical connection with her, to feel her wounded skin as she leaned in to his hand. He watched her eyes slowly lose focus and when she started to sway on her feet, he guided her back to the couch and sat with her as Yao’s tea took effect._

_He felt her body relaxing into his and knew it was time to get her home. Something shifted between them, he could feel the energy warm and start to flow gently around them, and she put her trust into his hands. The drive home was short but he felt her eyes on his face, watching his every move and shift in expression. It was like a caress, soothing him after the angry words they had exchanged earlier._

_The moment they entered the loft, she caught sight of her face and stopped short. He watched her carefully, trying to gauge what her reaction was going to be or if he needed to remain silent and act like he hadn’t noticed. But she turned to him, her eyes wide in horror, and he caught the look of understand why his reaction was visceral and powerful. She saw just a small piece of what he saw as she lay unresponsive under the fountain._

_To ease her mind, and settle her heart, Oliver suggested they find a way to wash her hair. He really needed to get her in the shower to rid her entire body of the debris from the wall she pulverized but she would need help because of the state of her hands. She shocked him by suggesting the shower upstairs and gently teased him when he stuttered and stumbled over his words. Oliver smiled his secret smile and sighed in relief as she reached for his arm._

_Normally, Felicity was insistent on doing things on her own, regardless of her current state of relaxation from the tea but he was grateful instinctively took hold of his arm for support to get her upstairs to her bedroom. He pushed out the memories of nights spent in their bed, their bodies entwined and the joy he felt every night coming home with her or to her. Those memories needed to stay at bay while he was here with her for now._

_He went to run the water in the shower and get a few things ready so he could get her in and out and then in bed as quickly and gently as possible. When he came out into the bedroom, she was standing stock still, in her bra and panties, staring at the damage she had done to her body. The deepest wounds were bandaged but what she was looking at seemed to break something down in her mind. She was shaking so hard, he could see it. He felt helpless as she turned to look at him, tears spilling down her face as she saw the injuries he had cleaned and taken care of._

_Grabbing a towel, he quickly wrapped her in it and his arms and held her just long enough to stop the earthquake that was tumbling her sanity loose. He gently rubbed her back, one of the only section of her not crisscrossed in a nightmare of cuts and gouges, and waited. He felt her chin come to rest in the centre of his chest and looked down into eyes that shone with pain and something soft that reminded him of love._

_Felicity would never understand the way her presence was like a warm spring breeze to him. She brought with her the chance for renewal and growth even when she was lost in her own private hell. When he saw her tentative smile, he inwardly sighed in relief and then gently moved towards the bathroom and shower. She willingly accepted his help and stood under the hot water, the dried blood slowly softened and ran in red streams down her body and into the drain. He could feel her body shake as she cried silently under the falling water._

_He had to strip down into his own underwear in order to get in with her so that he could carefully, gently wash her hair. Oliver let his mind slip back to the last time they had stood in this shower together, how she had let him wash her hair and how he had let her wash his body. He had picked her up and taken her hard and fast against the back wall of the shower. She had clawed at his back and cried out as she came and he had loved her with all that cells in his body._

_She turned around so he could check her cuts and make sure they were clean when they locked eyes. He couldn’t breathe and she looked into him, staking her claim to his heart and then retreated behind the veil that kept them apart._

_It was finally time to give her the oxy he had brought with him and get her into bed. Felicity was patient with him as he dried her off and, although he knew where to find them, he asked her where her nightgowns were. It was a small gesture on his part for her to retain some of her dignity as she was standing in her wet underwear covered in wounds._

_He found the nightgown she had worn as a dress when they were Positano. It was one of his favourite piece of clothing that she owned and he remembered the first time he saw her wearing it in the grotto. She had worn her bikini under it and the way the sun had illuminated her curves through the thin pale pink cotton had unraveled his mind._

_When she saw it in his hand, she let a small smile flit across her face and they got down to the task of getting it on her. He undid her bra and turned away as she got herself into the nightgown. She had taken her underwear off as well and he thought about the warmth of her body and the feel of her lips on his. A wave of sadness pushed all of that away and he helped her carefully get into bed before the narcotic she had taken took effect._

_Her hands were a concern for him. She hadn’t seen the damage yet and when she did, he needed her to be prepared for not just the shock of what they looked like but what the pain of the healing process might be like if the poultice failed to work overnight. Felicity was once again watching him, studying his face as though waiting for him to say something, but the best he could do was tuck her in._

_When she asked him to stay until she was asleep, he was powerless to say anything other than yes. She mumbled as the oxy took hold, thinking he could sleep up here next to the fire, he chuckled softly and said ok as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She was confusing the cottage with the loft and it was endearing to him that she wanted him that close by. He agreed to sleep on the loveseat and not leave her at all._

_“...k...I love you, Oliver,” she mumbled as darkness stole her away._

_II_

_Oliver escaped her room for just a moment. He had intended to go and grab the blanket off the couch and the poultice mixture from the bag he had brought with him but he folded slowly down onto the top stair and just stare into the loft with unseeing eyes. This was wearing him down, beating down his spirit and heart. She had disassociated completely tonight and he knew it was because of their time away creating space for all that grief to spill out._

_She was angry, just so angry and full of self-hate. Nothing he could do would matter until she faced head on exactly what was pushing her to behaviour that wasn’t just self-destructive, but borderline suicidal. Their time together at the cottage had revealed to him that they both were struggling with their past and present. There was no future for them, not yet, and the knowledge of that devastated him._

_With a ragged sigh, Oliver continued down the stairs and made his way through the darkened loft on nothing more than his memory of it in the light. The wind had died down and now all he could hear was the gentle fall of the rain. His phone had remained silent, so he knew all was well with the city, but within the walls of the loft his instincts were screaming at him that Felicity’s slow descent was far from over._

_Gathering up the blanket, the poultice mixture and painkillers for later, he made his way silently back up to her bedroom. It was still the same as the last time he had shared it with her and that both calmed him and touched a deep well of sorrow he thought he had managed to heal. She was sound asleep, burrowed under the covers, and in the diffuse, reflecting city light the cuts on her face faded away and she looked untouched by the violence of her mind._

_Stepping out of his wet briefs, Oliver gathered up their wet and dirty clothes and began a pile for laundry the next day. He stopped for a moment and looked around the bathroom. It was in a state of controlled chaos, its normal state where Felicity was concerned, and he picked up a bottle of perfume she had had made for her when they were in Bali. He inhaled its delicate scent of ylang ylang, frangipani, tuberose and vanilla and remembered the joy she exuded as she shared it with him._

_Getting dressed in his sweats and shirt, he let the events of the day go and tried to focus on what was coming. The loveseat, though small, was comfortable and he gratefully settled into it. His knees were aching after kicking down part of the wall and his heart was heavy after yet another round of arguments that felt circular and defeating. His eyes had just closed and he could feel his consciousness slipping sideways into sleep when he heard her whimper in her sleep._

_Immediately, he was awake and listening. She sat up, cradled her hands close to her body and softly started to cry. There was nothing he could do to end the pain, he was still in shock at the damage he had seen, but he could comfort her._

_“Felicity,” he called softly as he crossed over to her, “Hey, take a deep breath.”_   
_“Oh God, Oliver,” she moaned, her eyes still closed but tears streamed down her cheeks, “They hurt…”_

_She lowered her head and silently cried. Her shoulders shook as spasms of pain ripped through her and he forgot about the loveseat, the dirty clothes, the storm outside and quickly made his way to the other side of the bed, slipped beneath the covers and coaxed her to lie down beside him. She turned so her back was to him because the largest gash on her left leg prevented her from lying on her that side. He could feel the heat coming off of her in feverish waves. Normally he would rub her back to calm her down, but he improvised and helped her cradle her hands._

_“Felicity, I want you to listen to me,” he said in a soft, low voice, “I want you to take a deep breath and hold it for the count of seven, ok?”_

_She nodded but said nothing._

_“Ok, breathe in deep,” he said and waited as he felt her back press into his chest, “and hold for 1...2..3..4..5..6..7...and let it out.”_

_Her body slowly softened and relaxed against him. He could feel her body shake and tremble like tectonic plates shifting under the skin of the earth and pressed a gentle kiss into the top of her head. He suspected all the oxy would do was make her drowsy enough to sleep but not necessarily kill all the pain. He had stronger pills but wanted to wait until morning, after a poultice change and more of Yao’s tea, to see if she really needed them. The shock was wearing off but maybe, just maybe he could get her to sleep._

_“One more time, ok, deep breath in,” he said softly, “1..2..3..4..5..6..7..and out.”_

_Oliver waited for a few minutes and listened to her breathing as it evened out as she returned to sleep. She still felt feverish but he suspected it was just the after effects of her doing what he thought was impossible but he was worried that she might actually be sick._

_He smoothed her hair away from her forehead, feeling how hot and clammy she was and pulled the duvet up and over them both. He was wary of sleeping too close because of her injuries, but he could tell his nearness brought her comfort even if things between them were full of ebbs and flows of kindness and anger._

_“Felicity,” he said softly, “you once said that we would make it because we had found ourselves in each other. And for a while, I believed that, I relied on that to get me through the moments where I faltered in belief in myself. You brought the sun into my life, you lit up my heart and showed me the universe. Even now, when I look in your eyes I see the reflection of forever, of something timeless, and if you have taught me anything, there are a world of possibilities that we have yet to explore. I’ll help you get back on your feet, if you’ll let me, and we’ll see where this journey takes us. I...I just hope forgiveness is somewhere on it and we can find a new beginning.”_

_He wasn’t sure if she heard him in her fevered sleep, but it felt good to say to her as he laid his head back and relaxed into the bed. His body was still attuned to hers but he felt sure she would sleep for a few hours before waking and needing help. He wondered if he should go get hot water bottles and check to see if she had ice packs because her back and shoulders were going to be a knotted mass of roiling pain in the morning. But he was warm and content next to her and soon slipped off to sleep._

_If he dreamed he had no memory of it. He awoke in the same position he had fallen asleep in just as the sun cleared the horizon. He laid still and tried to get a feel for what Felicity was doing but she was still deeply asleep, breathing deep and even next to him. He eased himself up and gently laid his hand on her forehead and thankfully found it cool and dry._

_He wasn’t sure what woke him up and was just dropping off to sleep when he realized what it was, the sun. It was the first time he had seen the sun in almost a week. Care not to wake her up, he sat up and watched the sun rise to signal the start of a new day. He knew he needed to get up and figure out what to do in terms of Felicity, the City and the state of her office._

_He had an idea for the office but wanted to get the other two figured out first. He slipped downstairs and called Thea and explained that Felicity had been in an accident and that he needed to be with her for the day but would still take calls and do video meetings. He didn’t tell her exactly what had happened but indicated she wasn’t able to be alone for the next day or so._

_Then he began to make plans on how to handle the mess in her office. He ordered paint and set up an appointment to meet a contractor, one that could handle the repairs he thought she would want to make to it, for the end of the day. Oliver hoped by then he could leave her for a few minutes._

_He checked her fridge and was horrified to see she had nothing in it. He couldn’t leave so he did something he thought he would never do: he ordered groceries online. The food would arrive within the hour so he went back up to check on Felicity. He smiled with relief when he saw her still curled up under the duvet. If she didn’t wake up when he made coffee, he would do some cooking for her so she could eat with ease until her hands healed._

_An hour later, groceries delivered and coffee made, he spent some time working at his day job. He sat on the couch and read reports, electronically signed extensions to budgets so that clean up teams could get to work. Thea was handling more than her fair share but she had his full trust and support. The city had fared well under the storm’s biggest surge and the damage was limited to fires set by lightning strikes and several false alarms caused by collapsed roofs._

_Oliver felt something in him relax and a burden lifted from his shoulders. With Felicity asleep upstairs, the fire keeping the chill out of the air and the sun warming the air outside, he temporarily forgot that he no longer lived in the loft. He would always see his home wherever Felicity was regardless of the state of their relationship._

_He sensed more than heard Felicity wake up. Taking the steps two at a time, he made it back to the room before she was completely awake. He slipped back into bed behind her, being careful not to jostle her, and felt her sigh. He was worried the pain of her hands might push her into an agonized state where he would not be calm her down from but felt being next to her might prevent that shift._

_“Oliver?”_   
_“Hey,” he said softly, “I’m right here.”_   
_“My body hurts.”_   
_“I figured it might.”_   
_“My hands hurt so much,” she said in a voice low and raspy with pain._   
_“We can fix that,” he said as he rubbed her shoulder. He was trying to see what would cause spasms and where the knots might be by gently probing with his fingers._   
_“You’re going to make me drink more of Yao’s tea aren’t you?”_   
_“Yup,” he chuckled, “You know, I think Yao would have liked you.”_   
_“Really?”_   
_“Yeah, you would have questioned him until he would want to pull out his beard, but he would have liked you.”_   
_“Did you sleep here all night?” she asked as she realized he was actually under the covers._   
_“You woke up in a bit of pain and panic. I helped you relax with some deep breathing exercises and then...just fell asleep.”_   
_“I don’t remember that at all,” she said in confusion._   
_“I think last night was...devastating,” he said honestly._   
_“It was...Oliver...I don’t know what to say. I am sorry that I put you in the position of having to rescue me again,” she said with an element of shame in her voice, “I felt this bubble of rage inside me burst when I got to the office. I just...I just needed to break that wall down but I didn’t realize just how much rage and hurt was going to come out when I started.”_   
_“I didn’t rescue you.”_   
_“Yes, you did. How did I wind up here? You found me, repaired me, and brought me home.”_   
_“Rescue implies that you are a victim of something, you lost a fight with your psyche, but you destroyed something that needed destroying, Felicity.”_   
_“The wall might disagree.”_   
_“Hon, you don’t have to deflect with me like that,” he scolded gently, “You conquered something that has been eating you alive for months.”_   
_“I took a lot of it out on you.”_   
_“I deserved it, though, I think that you have held onto that for a long time. It was something we needed to talk about.”_   
_“You got angry, like Slade level rage angry.”_   
_“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”_   
_“Why? You don’t need my permission to get angry at me, too. I have been hard on you about things that have nothing to do with you. You should never feel like you need to hide how you feel from me and I’m glad you got mad with me, it broke the last piece of that wall inside me.”_   
_“Felicity Smoak, you are remarkable.”_   
_“I’d say thank you but...Oliver?”_   
_“Hmmm?”_   
_“I need to pee.”_   
_“Ok,” he said absentmindedly before the reality of that hit him, “OH! Oh...man. Ok. Um….”_   
_“Maybe let’s undo these bandages a bit?”_   
_“That won’t help. Let me get some plastic bags to cover them and then we’ll get you up.”_   
_“I can get up on my own, Oliver.”_   
_“Ok, I’ll meet you in the bathroom,” he chuckled. Her stubbornness was firmly in place and he adored her for it, even though he knew she would not be able to get up on her own._

_He went downstairs and grabbed the snack he had made for her and made Yao’s tea while he searched for plastic bags to secure over her hands. He was going to have to unwrap them completely and the shock of their condition on Felicity might push her back into shock. He hoped Yao’s tea would help with all that was coming up._

_A few minutes later he was making his way up to the bedroom with a steaming cup of medicinal tea, food and plastic bags. He was about to turn towards the bathroom when he glimpsed pale pink out of the side of his eye. Felicity had managed to make it to a sitting position but was unable to stand up. She looked at him with eyes filled with tears of frustration and pain but still managed to smile at him as if to say, “You were right.”_

_“Let me put this down and I’ll be right back,” he smiled back._   
_“Ok, I won't run away,” she said ruefully as he made his way into the bathroom._   
_“Do you want to get dressed?” he called out to her._   
_“What time is it?”_   
_“It’s a little after noon.”_   
_“WHAT?”_   
_“You slept like a log.”_   
_“I have never in my life slept that long,” she said in amazement when he came back to help her up, “I will just wear a dress, one of those long ones I bought in Positano.”_   
_“Ok, let’s pick one out on the way,”_   
_“Why do my toes hurt? My back feels like it has been trampled on.”_   
_“The tea will help with that. I’ll need you to drink some right away.”_   
_“Oh lord, it tastes so horrible.”_   
_“Don’t complain, Smoak,” he laughed._   
_“Grab the turquoise dress, I’ll wear that.”_

_He loved that dress with a brilliant, erotic, lustful passion that bordered on the obscene. He knew she loved it, too, but was still somewhat surprised that she chose it to wear. Regardless, he pulled it off its hanger and continued on their slow journey to the bathroom. He was curious how the herbal poultice had worked and wanted to get her off her feet as soon as possible._

_“Ok,” he said warningly, “I am going to take the bandages off. Your hands are caked in the poultice so you won’t see anything yet. I’ll put the plastic bags on and wait outside the door for you. Don’t get changed or dressed. I think you might want to stand in the hot shower for a few minutes to loosen up your shoulders and back.”_   
_“Yes, Dr. Queen,” she teased._   
_“Smart ass,” he laughed as he gently unravelled the thick layers of bandages he applied to both hands._   
_“I really messed them up, didn’t I?” she asked sadly._   
_“If Yao’s magic herbs works, maybe not,” he answered with as much hope as he could muster. He affixed the plastic bags around her hands, which were invisible under the thick coating of herbs he had applied to them, and left her._

_“Hey, I just remembered I think you left a bag of clothes here. Check the back of my closet,” she called._

_Curious, Oliver checked and found a bag of clean Henleys and pants he didn’t even know he owned. They still had tags on by the looks of it. He suspected she had bought them to push him out of his workout clothes rut and had to chuckle at her determination to get him to rejoin the world through a pair of pants and a good shirt._

_“You bought these, didn’t you?” he called back._   
_“...maybe…,” she said after a brief pause that prompted him to laugh out loud._   
_“How are you doing?”_   
_“Ok, you can come back in,” she answered._

_Oliver re-entered the washroom and found her standing in front of the mirror studying her face and arms. The cut on her face were already healing nicely, her arms were coming along nicely but he would treat them with Yao’s mix after her shower but first, he had to rinse her hands and that would probably drop her to her knees._

_“Ok, drink,” he commanded as he held out a cup of steaming tea._   
_“Yao’s?”_   
_“Yup.”_   
_“Oh God,” she moaned in fake agony, “this is going to taste awful isn’t it?”_   
_“It might. Come on, drink.”_

_He waited while she took a couple of big swallows and then took the mug from her. Then fed her from the plate with the snack he had prepared. It was just a couple of cut up hard boiled eggs and pieces of apple, but she inhaled it all._

_“You can finish the tea after your shower.”_   
_“Awesome,” she said sarcastically._   
_“Careful, or I’ll make you another dose.”_   
_“So unnecessarily cruel.”_   
_“That’s what you get for mocking the doctor,” he teased._   
_“Your bedside manner is slowly giving way from wonderful to jerk.”_

_Oliver laughed as he filled the sink with warm water. He had missed her ability to turn out one liners so quickly. It was one of the first ways she had of breaking down his walls when they first met. She was the first person to make him smile and mean it._

_“Ok,” he said as he gently but firmly took hold of her hands, “this is not going to feel good and I want you to focus on my voice as I talk you through this, ok?”_

_Felicity studied him for a moment before nodding her agreement. Nodding back, he slowly pushed her hand into the sink and said softly, “Look at me, Felicity, remember to focus on my voice as the water reaches your injuries.”_

_She nodded, her eyes wide with nervous anticipation of just what the water would do. She stared at his mouth and waited._

_“Now, I’m going to gently move your fingers to work the stiffness out and get the poultice off. It might hurt for just a minute,” he said in a low, soothing tone as he moved her fingers one at a time, “There, that wasn’t so bad. I’m going to drain the sink and then run the water so we can rinse them off one at a time.”_   
_“Ok,” she said quietly._   
_“It hasn’t been too bad yet, has it?”_   
_“Not yet, you’ve been really gentle.”_   
_“I don’t want you to hurt at all,” he said sadly._   
_“You are healing me now,” she said softly._

_Oliver paused and looked into her eyes and saw absolution. Tenderly, he stroked the side of her face and then leaned down to kiss her forehead. Pressing his own forehead to hers, he whispered, “Thank you, now take a deep breath.”_

_When he heard the intake of breath, he opened his eyes and guided her hands under the warm water to rinse off what was left of the herbal mixture. She hissed in pain as the gentle flow of water washed over the wounds themselves. He wrapped his arm around her waist to keep her stable on her feet and made her look at him._

_“Remember, focus on my voice. Close your eyes if you need to, ok?”_   
_She nodded as tears of pain slid down her cheeks, ripping new wounds into his heart but she kept her eyes on him, even as he had to move her hands under the running water._

_It took a few minutes but he finally got them free from the caked on mixture. He had a long look at them and saw what he had hoped. Yao’s Lian Yu herbal knowledge had been profoundly deep and all encompassing. He knew how to treat everything from a simple cut to an infected stab wound to a head ache to a cold. There was nothing he couldn’t find a herbal concoction to counteract or heal and the one Oliver had used on Felicity’s hands had done what he had hoped._

_“Ok, you can look now,” he encouraged gently._

_Felicity looked down and saw the state of her hands. She looked at Oliver questioningly and said, “They don’t look as bad as I thought they would. The nails look awful and I suspect will hurt when they grow back but they don’t look...raw.”_   
_“The poultice is healing them over a lot faster than I suspected. They are still going to be extremely sensitive though, and your palms don’t look bad but...”_   
_“They look skinned.”_   
_“They were. The handle of the sledgehammer was not smooth.”_   
_“They hurt so bad when the water first them but now…,” she paused as she gently flexed them, “They ache but they don’t hurt like last night. Yao was a good man to show you how to make these things.”_   
_“He was. Now the shower, can you manage on your own?”_   
_“Yes, I think I’ll be fine,” she reassured him. With one last look at her, he nodded and left the room._

_When he heard the shower start, he went back to her closet and got the bag of clothes she had bought for him at some point when they were still together. He found one shirt that was close to the colour of shirt she bought him at the resort and a pair of grey cargo pants. She knew him so well it sometimes it still shocked him. He got changed and quickly ran down to start a load of laundry._

_When he got back up to the bedroom, he heard her calling to him so he rejoined her in the bathroom. He stopped short when he saw her in the turquoise dress. It wasn’t fancy or even form fitting like her office dresses but it draped her figure like it was made specifically for her, flowing over her hips in a contoured line that made his mouth run dry. The colour enhanced her eyes and her skin so much that it was almost impossible for him to look at her. She glowed like a star in the dark sky even with the damage to her body._

_He caught sight of her watching him and a flush crept up his neck. She smiled appreciatively at his choices and held out her arms for him to see her injuries. She was bruised and he could see some swelling around her elbows which indicated some muscle tears but otherwise, she looked like maybe she would heal without any lasting scars. Even her face was healing, if she left the scabs alone, they might not leave a lasting reminder._

_“How are your legs?” he asked._   
_“I think they look worse than my hands,” she said ruefully and she raised the hem of her dress with stiff fingers._

_They did look terrible but not as bad as she thought. He had a salve that he could use, the one he had used on her bullet wounds as they healed, and he knew the penicillin tea he would leave with her would take care of any infection._

_“They don’t look so bad but we can fix them up,” he reassured her gently, “Let’s get you sitting down so I can redress your hands and knees.”_

_The next half an hour was filled with winces and a lot of swearing from her as he probed a few of the deeper wounds and applied the stinging poultice in a much thinner layer and wrapped her hands so that she could still use them. Her knees were still tender and they looked hot and swollen so he applied some of his herbal remedy to them as well._

_She was relaxed from the tea so he helped her down the stairs to the main level and got her sitting comfortably on the couch in front of the warm fire. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. He smiled at her and went to make coffee and a very late lunch._

_“Oliver?” she called softly after a few minutes._   
_“Yeah? Are you ok?”_   
_“Come and sit with me.”_   
_“One minute,” he called as he got a tray and loaded it up with the coffee he made and the frittata he had whipped together._

_“Ok,” he said as he set the tray down, “what’s up?”_   
_“Get the blanket?” she asked drowsily._   
_“Ok,” he said in slight confusion but did what she asked and covered her with it._   
_“Thank you,” she said as she carefully picked up an edge and moved it so that it covered him._

_Oliver was confused for a moment but smiled at her willingness to welcome him in. He opened his arms and she carefully leaned into him, lunch forgotten for the moment. They sat together, staring at the fire, in silence for so long he thought maybe she had fallen asleep. The coffee was in a carafe and would stay warm for a while and the frittata would keep. He was willing to stay here forever, locked away in their small bubble of gentle companionship, if that is what she wanted._

_“Oliver?”_   
_“Hmm?”_   
_“I...I forgive you. I know that sounds so...egotistical but I do. You haven’t had to do any of this, you have willingly done more than anyone in my life has ever done, save my mother, to make sure I was safe, protected but not smothered, and...loved. I know we still have some stuff to work through but that’s ok. I wasn’t sure I could trust you ever again and was so angry, but I think I screamed that rage out at the wall last night.”_   
_“Felicity…,” he started with a voice choked with emotion, “I…”_   
_“You don’t have to say anything, Oliver,” she chuckled, “I kinda dropped an emotional bomb on you just now. I think the tea is making me feel like sharing.”_   
_“Being here, like this...it’s enough,” he murmured._

_Oliver looked down and saw that she had fallen asleep. He sat with her for a few more minutes, thinking of the ways she had moved pieces of his heart around until they made sense and he could feel again for the first time in a decade. He thought about her boundless ability to forgive, to love and to genuinely care about the people around her. Oliver looked down at the woman sleeping so trustingly against him and knew she deserved the world._

_He had been terrified for most of their time together that he would do or say something to destroy that trust and when he did, he was terrified of not ever earning it back. His lies and decision making skills had ripped her heart in two and yet, somehow, she was able to mend herself enough to figure out a way to forgive him. It was astounding to him that she could but now he was willing to wait for the rest of their journey together to fall into place._

_Carefully, he got up and laid her down on the couch. He needed to get to her office to accept the shipment of paint and let the contractor in to get a quote on repairs. After their conversations about walls and what they meant to her, he had an idea to explore about the garden and creating a ‘hidden’ entrance._

_In his slanted handwriting, that she always said she loved, he left her a note to let her know he would be back if she woke up before he got back and not to worry, the coffee would still be hot. He smoothed her hair back from her forehead and leaned down to gently kiss the top of her head._

_“I love you, Felicity Smoak,” he murmured._

_Oliver was never one to become overly emotional but he felt tapped into the emotional bonds that kept them connected. He couldn’t imagine a life without her in it and was willing to do whatever it took to prove to her he was no longer that man who retreated to the island at the first glimmer of danger to those around him. That he would be the man he knew he could be for himself, for her, for Thea and Diggle and everyone in the city._

_He sat with her for a few minutes more, lightly stroking her hair and making sure she was deeply asleep. Silently, he asked her to think that maybe, just maybe he could be enough for her. To give him an opportunity to shine like the sun for her. She mumbled something in her sleep and then relaxed into the couch. Satisfied, he quietly let himself out of the loft and went out into the cool afternoon to repair something they had both needed to bring down._


	17. Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter marks a shift in Felicity. She is slowly letting go of her hurt and the pain of her past. Oliver is so important here but she knows things must come a head and change.
> 
> There are some moments of real sadness here, ones that were hard to write and that in Oliver's POV (coming next) will see greater exploration.

Chapter Seventeen: Grace

_Layer by layer_  
_With her heart full of love_  
_She embraces the future._

I

Felicity awoke gradually. First she became aware of the dull throb in her hands, then the stinging pain of the deeper wounds on her legs and arms, and finally of the sun streaming in and adding to the warmth emanating of the fireplace in front of her. She took a deep breath and felt content, almost at peace but something was missing from her orbit. She thought for a moment and realized that something was actually a someone, namely Oliver.

She tried to feel him without moving, like she normally could, but the loft was silent. He was no longer there and she has no idea how long he had been gone. Yao’s tea had a sedative component to it that eased her to sleep so gently, she had rejoined the world piece by piece. Her body was a mass of seething knots and broken flesh, but she was no longer wracked with an all consuming grief and was almost grateful for the physical pain.

Sitting up, she looked at the sunlight streaming in, and felt almost alive. She became aware of the heavenly scent of coffee and followed its wispy trail to the carafe in front of her. As she tried to figure out how to open it with her mangled hands, she saw the note from Oliver. He could have sent a text or email, but he chose to handwrite a note. She loved his handwriting, it was precise but sloped and expressive and it sang of a poet lurking just below the warrior’s mask.

Opening it, she read:  
Felicity,

I’ve only stepped out for a an hour or two. I need to make an appearance at City Hall and check in with Thea.  
There is a mug with a tea bag in it on the counter. Yes, it is Yao’s tea and yes, you have to drink it. It won’t be so bad this time, I promise. Steep it for five minutes. I trust you to boil the water.

Enjoy the coffee, enjoy the frittata, and the tea.  
I’ll be back soon to check on your hands and change the dressing.

Love,  
Oliver

Felicity laughed at the water crack. She remembered the boiled water fiasco in Bali and how he had stared at her in horrified amazement. He had no idea just how awful a cook she was and the realization had caused him to make her promise never to try again. He had given her a few lessons but it was just not something she could get the hang of and it entertained him to no end.

Before the tea, Felicity wanted the coffee and the food. She was starving and still drowsy, so the caffeine pick me up was just what she needed. After eating her piece of the frittata, she finally got the lid off the carafe and poured herself a cup of hot coffee. Sitting back, she let the events of the previous night roll around in her mind. She had gone to the office with such a singular purpose. It became the only thing she could think of, the one thing she wanted to do more than anything.

She knew that her time away with Oliver had weakened her ability to keep those emotions at bay, that the bubble of rage that had pushed its way out of her only happened because she felt safe and protected. It was an odd response to what she could only call love. Rage should not be her first go to emotion when someone who loved her like he did offered his unending support.

Felicity had wounded Oliver wit the way he found her, the way she had raged at him and her continued reticence in sharing with him where her mind was really at with Havenrock. She wasn’t sure herself but she knew that where William was concerned, she had let go of her hurt and forgiven him. It was time, she thought, to let go of the regret and stop using it as an excuse to corner him emotionally. She was harming herself just as much as she was harming him.

It had surprised her when she realized that she could let it go and while they still had a few things to talk through, she had felt a shift in her heart and knew that the time was right. Oliver, to his great credit, had not expected to hear those words from her and it actually made her feel good to know that she could still surprise him like that.

Her thoughts started to swirl around Havenrock. The bubble of rage she had screamed out last night had given way to a relentless sorrow, but it felt so much lighter. She felt like maybe her losing it like that had finally given her the opening she needed to surface in her mind, to find some breathing space so that she heal from the trauma of it all.

Looking at her hands, she knew she couldn’t lose touch with herself like that again. She remembered the storm and the screaming up at the sky as the thunder boomed and the lightning flashed but she remembered very little after that. She had visions of blue eyes and tears hitting her face that weren’t her own, she remembered small flashes of gentleness mixed with the violence of the night and knew he was the only reason she was safe in the loft.

He refused to believe her but he had rescued her last night. She would still be lying out in the courtyard if he hadn’t come looking for her. It was a matter of choice and she had made one to fracture her mind and dive deep into the rage of having to choose between cities. Of having to decide who should live or die as though she were God.

He had picked her up, cleaned her wounds and kept her safe until she was ready to comeback to herself. Part of her was frustrated and angry with herself for continually being in compromising positions when he was around but another part of her, a larger part if she were to be honest, knew that is was because of his presence that she felt safe enough to allow those emotions to rise up and leave her body, mind, and soul.

Staring into the fire, Felicity let her mind drift but her hands were starting to ache and sting making the need for Yao’s tea a pressing concern. She really didn’t want it but she had to admit, it worked. Carefully, she got up and slowly made her way to the kitchen and started the kettle.

Maybe I’ll make some and head up to my room, she thought, if I fall asleep again, I’d rather be in bed. If I can choke this down that is.

Somehow, she did it. It took her almost fifteen minutes to drink it but she did and she hoped it was the last time. Oliver had said it would taste different but she couldn’t figure out if he was lying or not because it still tasted horrible.

Slowly, she started up the stairs. Her knees screamed with every step but it was her back that caused her to almost pass out halfway up. Gingerly, she sat down and waited for wave after wave of pain to stop. Her head started to spin and she pressed herself back into the wall to prevent herself from falling off the edge. Distantly, she heard herself gasping for breath and tried to calm herself down before she passed out.

A few minutes went by and she was able to breathe but she couldn’t move. Her back was knotted from top to bottom and she couldn’t lift her arms to pull herself up. She rested her head against the cool wall and closed her eyes, hoping Oliver would come home soon, to help her up.

Goddamnit, she thought as tears of self-pity started to run down her face, he needs to rescue me again. This needs to stop. I need to be able to stand on my own.

The tea took hold and she drifted off into a fitful sleep. She couldn’t relax completely because she was cold and uncomfortable, perched carefully on a step midway up a flight of stairs she always felt was too steep. Sometime later, she heard Oliver’s key in door and he entered into the late afternoon sun as it streamed through the enormous windows.

He didn’t spot her right away as he was looking towards to the kitchen. She smiled appreciatively at his profile. He was wearing one of his Mayor suits, a deep blue one that made his eyes look the colour of a late autumn sky, but the tie was off and the top button undone. Felicity felt the familiar stirrings in her stomach, like butterflies fluttering, when she looked at him. He looked very good in a tailored suit.

“Felicity?” he called quietly.  
“Hey.”

Oliver spun on his heel, at first confused at what he was seeing, but then moved with preternatural speed up to where she was sitting.

“Hey,” he said with a voice full of concern, “What happened? Are you ok?”  
“I drank the tea,” she mumbled sleepily, “ and then tried to climb the stairs but my back…”  
“Ok, hold on one second,” he said as he slipped his arms under her knees and around her waist, “I’ve got you.”  
“This needs to stop happening.”  
“It will. You’ll be up on your feet in no time.”  
“I’m sorry you keep needing to rescue me.”  
“Stop it,” he admonished gently, “Now, I know you’re tired, but I need to check your hands.”  
“Ok.”  
“I don’t know, Smoak,” he teased, “I kinda like you all subservient and meek.”  
“When I have my hands back, you are in so much trouble.”  
“I still think I can take you,” he teased as he ran the water in the sink in the bathroom, warming it up so he could rinse off the herbal mixture on her hands.  
“Keep thinking that when I lock you out of the lair. And your bank accounts.”  
“Are you threatening the Mayor of Star City?”  
“Interim Mayor who was a write in candidate.”  
“I don’t know, that still sounds like a threat,” he said as he rinsed off the poultice.  
“Make that locked out of the lair, your bank accounts and your office.”  
“Such cruelty from one so small,” he tsked tsked her.  
“Hey!”  
“What?” he looked up at her in alarm, “Did I hurt you?”  
“No, I was remembering something. You said the poultice was Yao’s, right?”  
“Yes, the poultice and tea are Yao’s.”  
“Then what is Bratva? I remember you saying something was Bratva…?”  
“The salve I am going to use on your knees, deeper cuts and hands when they have healed up a bit more.”  
“Oh, ok….Oliver?”  
“Hmmm?”  
“When are you going to tell me about your time with them?”  
“Are you sure that is something you want to know?” he asked cautiously.  
“Yes,” she softly answered. She was watching his face and saw the apprehension that crossed it, the wariness and fear. It was one of the last pieces she was waiting for, that last period of time on the island she had yet to hear about.  
“Ok, but...not yet.”

Felicity didn’t say anything. She waited for him to finish applying a thinner layer of the poultice than before and the bandages that followed. When he sat back and looked at her, she simply stood up on shaking legs and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight for just a moment.

“Thank you,” she said softly. He didn’t answer her, instead he embraced her and laid a soft kiss on her head.

“I think I need to lay down,” she said with a shaky laugh.  
“Ok, but first let me put on some of this salve on your face and cuts on your arms,” he said as he opened up a small, glass vial.  
“That smells almost good,” she said in surprise.  
“It has myrrh in it, I think,” he said absentmindedly as he gently applied the slick ointment.  
“Those Bratva knew their scents, didn’t they?”  
“Hush,” he laughed, “Ok, we’re done.”  
“Can you help me up?” she asked sheepishly.  
“Your back is bad, isn’t it?”

All she could do in answer, was look up at him with eyes filled with unfocused agony.

“Let’s go,” he murmured with a smile as he offered his arm for her to hold as he walked her the short distance to the bed, “Rest for a bit and I’ll clean up downstairs.”

Felicity was grateful for the help getting to the bed. Her legs felt shaky from the fire in her back. Once she was settled in, she let the tea’s effects take over and soon she was drifting on a raft that soon became untethered from the reality she was living and launched her into a dream.

_She was shifting a pile of ash with her hands. Repeatedly pushing her hands into the chalky soft powder and looking for something solid. Over and over she let the ashe run through her fingers but she found nothing. Felicity looked around she was back in the epicentre of nuclear blast._

_Oh not again, she thought wearily as she closed her eyes, I thought I was done with this._

_From behind her, she heard a soft shuffling. At first she thought it was Oliver, but the footsteps were lighter, smaller. She opened her eyes and turned around to see a little girl. Felicity was shocked, this was the first person she had seen in her nightmare that wasn’t Oliver. The little girl was studying her carefully from a few feet away._

_“What are you looking for?” she asked Felicity in a cautious tone._  
_“I don’t really know,” she admitted, “I don’t even know what this stuff is.”_  
_“It’s us.”_  
_“What?”_  
_“It’s us,” the little girl said as she made a gesture indicating the entire area._  
_“You mean...Havenrock?” Felicity asked as awareness of that the little girl was saying started to sink in._  
_“Yes. Us.”_  
_“But...this is ash.”_  
_“Yes,” she repeated patiently, “Us.”_

_Realization dawned slowly for Felicity as she realized that the little girl was patiently explaining that the piles of ash she was digging in was, in fact, the city and inhabitants of Havenrock. She rocked back on her heels and tried to calm her mind. She had been digging through bodies and buildings. Bone, blood, concrete and steel. Her mounting horror was a living thing deep inside her, slowly riding the rising beat of her heart, threatening to overtake her rational mind._

_The little girl stared at Felicity for a moment and then nodded as though reading Felicity’s mind. She was curious but not in a judgemental kind of way. She was wary but not afraid, inquisitive but not intrusive. Her hair was brown, long and curly, and she was wearing a dirty pink coat, a ragged purple dress but no shoes. Her wide set blue eyes were wise beyond her years and she had the casual look of one who had seen so much that a nuclear wasteland was boring._

_“Do you need help?” she asked her as a way to calm her nerves._  
_“No, it’’s ok. I know how to get home.”_  
_“But...there is nothing here,” Felicity patiently explained._  
_“Yes, there is. Look.”_  
_“I have,” Felicity said as she glanced around the barren wasteland just in case it had come back to life around her, “there is nothing left. I...I destroyed this place.”_

_The little girl cocked her head and looked at Felicity carefully and finally said, “But you didn’t. The bad man did.”_  
_“I did,” she insisted, “I didn’t stop him.”_  
_“But you tried. My mom says sometimes that’s all you can do.”_

_The little girl reached into her coat pocket and she searched for something. Finding it, she withdrew her small hand out towards Felicity. Curious, she reached her own hand out and opened it to receive whatever it was the little girl wanted to give her. She felt a small bit of fabric as it was placed in her palm. Felicity knew immediately what it was and was suddenly filled with a growing sense of dread and panic._

_“It’s ok,” the little girl said, “It’s what you were looking for. You don’t have to come back here anymore now that you’ve got it.”_  
_“But...I don’t understand. Why do I need a pink bow?” she asked with an unsteady voice._  
_“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “You just need it. You’ll figure out why, I guess.”_  
_“I...I don’t…”_  
_“That man loves you,” the little girl blurted out._  
_“What man?”_  
_“Him,” she said as she pointed briefly over Felicity’s shoulder, “He watches over you.”_

_Felicity turned to see Oliver standing on the high ridge of the crater as he watched over her patiently and calmly. She knew he was waiting for her to make a decision but she felt paralyzed and locked into her place of grief._

_“You can go to him now,” the little girl said softly, “We forgive you.”_  
_“What?” Felicity exclaimed as she whirled back towards the little girl._  
_“We forgive you,” she said again as she started to erode around the edges._  
_“How? How can you forgive me? I killed you,” Felicity exclaimed as she teetered on the edge of hysteria._  
_“You need to be nicer to yourself and to him.”_  
_“Adults are...complicated.”_  
_“You should colour. It will make you feel better.”_

_Felicity couldn’t help but smile at the little girl. She was getting fuzzier, like she was slowly going out of focus, and she felt a wave of sadness wash over her heart._

_“I’m sorry,” Felicity said softly._  
_“I know,” she smiled._

_As Felicity watched, the little girl slowly blew away in the hot, nuclear wind one particle at a time. Slowly, with tears streaming down her cheeks and a tiny pink bow clenched in her fist, Felicity turned back towards Oliver, who was still waiting, and left the city of Havenrock_.

 

II

 

“Hey,” came a voice from somewhere far away, “Hey, it’s ok.”

She opened her eyes and saw she was sitting up, holding her knees close to her body and weeping quietly. Oliver was sitting next to her, gently stroking her hair and back. She looked into his eyes and saw only deep concern and a slow rising panic. She needed to give this poor man a break. He had done far more than he needed to and deserved his own cottage moment to be angry or sad or a mix of all of that.

“I’m ok, Oliver,” she said softly.  
“You don’t look ok,” he said doubtfully.  
“I am. I really am.”  
“Another Havenrock moment?” he inquired softly.  
“Yeah but it was different...oh dear…,” she said with a sudden hiss of pain.  
“What?”  
“My...back…”  
“Come on, lie down.”  
“I don’t know if I can,” she gasped as another knot tightened itself high up between her shoulder blades.  
“Come here, let me help.”

Felicity allowed him to lay her down in bed again. She closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling to no avail. Her back was on fire and it only added to the pain in her heart and soul. Oliver continued to rub her back, trying to calm her down and find the worst of the knots. She could tell by how his fingers searched and probed her spine and shoulders.

“Felicity?” he said softly.  
“Yeah?”  
“I am going to go downstairs to grab something and I’ll be right back up. Ok?”  
“Ok.”

And then he was gone. She felt him leave and tried to pull herself together. She needed him to think it was her back and not her dream that had made her cry. Hearing his footsteps on the stairs, she wiped her eyes and waited for him to come back.

“You changed,” she commented with a voice thick with pain.  
“I did some cleaning and those clothes you bought were still here, so…,” he said somewhat embarrassed.  
“I did well.”  
“You did,” he smiled.  
“What’s in your hand?”  
“This? This is going to help your back,” he said.  
“Is it more tea?”  
“Nope, it’s...it’s an ointment…,” he said and then paused.  
“Oliver?” she prompted, “What? Does it smell like an old man’s foot?”  
“No,” he laughed, “No, I just...I mean...it...I mean…”  
“Spit it out!” she laughed.  
“I need to put it on your whole back,” he said in a rush.  
“Oh…ok...well, um, I guess but it had better work if I am going to struggle out of this dress.”  
“Do you need me...I mean for help or…”  
“No, just turn around and face the bathroom. I’ll let you know when I am done.”

It took her a few minutes to struggle out of the dress but it felt good to be able to get it off on her own. It was something she had done countless times before on her own but it felt brand new so she sat for a moment and savoured the accomplishment. She noticed Oliver’s hands twitching, his thumb and forefinger were rubbing against each other, and that was the signal she should tell him that she was ready.

“Ok, should I stay sitting up or lying down…”

“Stay sitting,” he said as he turned around. She caught his eyes and watched them widen just bit before he looked away and came to sit behind her.

Felicity saw the blush on his cheeks and fought hard to keep her expression neutral. Their attraction to one another hadn’t diminished, if anything it had deepened but their shared mutual respect was what was guiding their interactions now. Oliver opened up the jar behind her and she smelled chamomile, lemon balm and lavender.

“Another Bratva concoction?” she asked as his strong hands began to massage her back. It felt amazing. The combination of the smell, his hands and the feel of the balm was relaxing her muscles and body.  
“Yes, I got it from Anatolyi’s aunt.”  
“She knew what she was doing,” she murmured.  
“Don’t fall asleep, you need to drink more tea and I need to check your hands,” he gently admonished.  
“I won’t but this is so relaxing.”  
“Good, then I am doing it right,” he murmured softly, “So why all the tears?”  
“I had another dream but I think I might be done dreaming about Havenrock now.”  
“Really? What happened?” he asked in genuine caring and curiousity.  
“I was sifting through a pile of what I thought was ash, when a little girl showed up...she...gave me a pink ribbon and she told me that the city...the people of Havenrock had for...forgiven me.”  
“Felicity…,” he breathed.  
“I know, Oliver. You were there, too. Doing what you do best.”  
“Which is?” he gently prompted.  
“You were watching over me. Waiting for me to decide what I was going to do,” she said softly, “You stayed well away from me. Up on a ridge that surrounded the crater where the bomb went off. The little girl told me that you are always watching over me.”  
“I’ll always be here,” he said quietly.  
“I know.”

For a few moments they sat in silence as Oliver continued to firmly but gently undo the knots in her back. The scent of the ointment was doing wonders to calm and soothe her frayed nerves and aided in mending her fragile psyche. Her thoughts drifted to Oliver and the impact he had had on her life. He was continually trying to prove he could right his wrongs and be the man he thought she deserved.

In the smaller, softer corners of her mind Felicity held onto the kernel of knowledge that he was more than enough. That in his slow parade of change, he revealed his heart to her and its capacity to love, forgive, challenge, and survive had humbled her. He was all she wanted, he was the last thing she saw in her mind’s eye at night, and with his continued courage to stand his ground while she pushed him away with all the strength she had, she knew he would wait until she could stand on her own two feet.

But…

 _Not yet,_ she thought as he hands travelled up and down her back.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she felt him transfer some of his strength to her.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as she remembered the pink bow, the little girl, and what it might mean.

“That should be good,” he murmured softly.

Felicity took a deep breath and leaned back towards Oliver. With no invitation needed, he wrapped his arms around her and held her in silence for a few minutes. She loved the power in his arms, the size of them and how gently he had been able to hold her on nights when he had fought hard in skirmishes and battles with Darhk’s men or the League of Assassins. Covered in bruises, scrapes and cuts, he would allow her to mend his skin with her hands before letting her mend his mind and heart with her body.

“Ok, let’s get you up. Dress or nightgown?” he asked as he released her.  
“Nightgown. If I have to drink more of that tea, I may as well be prepared.”

Oliver laughed as he retrieved the simple shift from the bathroom. He was wearing the clothes she had bought him, a light grey Henley and darker grey khakis. He looked good, healthy, and so powerfully strong, he took her breath away.  
“How is Thea doing?” she asked as a distraction.  
“Good! My little sister is coming into her own as my Chief of Staff,” he smiled proudly.  
“Let her know I miss her for me, ok?”  
“Tell her yourself. You still want to come work in the Mayor’s Office, right?”  
“Yes, absolutely yes.”

Oliver smiled and turned away as she put on her nightgown and slowly got out of bed. Her back felt whole and undamaged. It might not last long but she was so grateful for his ability to heal her with just his hands. She stretched her arms, moving her shoulders up and down, and enjoyed the way her muscles felt loose and relaxed.

“My back feels so good now!”  
“Don’t over do it,” he said as he faced away from her, “I gave you a reprieve, I didn’t heal the muscle damage.”  
“Fine, spoil sport,” she sighed, “You can turn around now.”  
“Ready for more tea?”  
“Ugh, ok.”

Oliver laughed and helped her down the stairs to the kitchen. She was able to take the stairs with limited pain in her hips now. It seemed like every few hours, she was feeling better. It was the steady combination of the tea, the poultice, the salves, and Oliver. She tried to not think about the day when he was no longer here because it would mean a return to the status quo between them. At the moment, she wasn’t sure that was something she wanted.

“So I guess I should make a plan to get the wall fixed at the office,” she said with a guilty sigh.  
“I had a look at it today, it isn’t that bad,” he said, “I managed to get a tarp up over the hole, so there was very little damage done to the floor.”  
“The masonry is going to cost a fortune. Those bricks are old.”  
“I know a guy or two. I could get a couple of quotes for you, if you’d like.”  
“Oliver, you have done more than enough for me,” she said shaking her head.  
“Felicity, I am thinking selfishly. Getting that fixed up now, while I am not patrolling a lot, is a good idea because eventually I will be and that could make keeping the secret elevator secret a little more important.”  
“True, true, ok, get me some quotes. When my hands are a bit less throbby, and my back isn’t a beaten sack of fire snakes, I’d like to check out the courtyard. See what’s in it.”  
“‘A beaten sack of fire snakes’?” Oliver laughed as he got the kettle boiling and her tea ready.  
“You must know what I mean,” she protested as she laughed as well.  
“I do but I would never describe it THAT way!”  
“I’ve seen you after being on the wrong end of a Mirakuru soldier,” she said in mock seriousness, “a beaten bag of fire snakes is nowhere near close to what you looked like and how you felt.”  
“If I never see another Mirakuru soldier again in my life, I will be just so incredibly happy.”  
“You and me both.”  
“Ok, go sit on the couch. Find a movie you want to watch or something. I need to get back to the lair for a bit.”  
“You aren’t going to go out on patrol are you?” she asked sharply.  
“No,” he said putting up his hands in surrender, “Not a chance. The SCPD have things in hand for the moment. I wouldn’t go out there with you. Promise.”  
“Ok,” she said as she visibly relaxed, “I’ll be ready soon, I think, but not for a couple of days.”  
“No need to rush, you shouldn’t be in heels again for while. Not until your back heals,” he said absentmindedly as he stirred her tea.  
“So, what you are saying is I can’t go back to work until I can wear heels?” she asked pointedly. She watched Oliver freeze for just a quick second and then watched him frantically try to come up with a response. She was teasing him but he wasn’t sure of that fact and she made the most of it.  
“I mean, if my wearing heels it the only reason you let me in the lair, I think we need to have a conversation about that, don’t you think?”  
“Felicity, I…I mean, you don’t have to...it’s ...I mean...you always wear them, so I just figured…,” he stuttered and stammered as he handed her the mug of tea.  
“I do wear them but not all the time,” she reminded him as she struggled to not laugh.  
“Yeah,” he shrugged with almost too much emphasis, “But I mean, you don’t have to wear them or anything.”  
“Oliver,” she said softly, “I’m owning you right now.”  
“What?” he said in confusion until he looked up and saw that she was doing everything she could to contain her laughter.  
“You should see your face!” she howled, “Oh my God, Oliver, you walked right into that.”  
“Very funny, Smoak,” he laughed as he shook his head, “I will find a way to return the favour.”  
“You can try,” she smiled, “Now, can you carry that to the couch? I don’t trust myself yet.”  
“Magic word?”  
“Please?” she laughed.

Together, they crossed over to the living room and Felicity settled herself on the couch, carefully as her back was stiffening up, and Oliver handed her the tea. She felt that familiar contentment coming on, like how they were in Ivy Town with an established routine and rhythms. Following his reflection in the tv screen, she watched him head back into the kitchen and begin to look through the fridge and cupboards. He was going to make dinner and she felt her stomach rumble in response.

Sipping her tea, she relaxed back into the couch and listened to Oliver cutting up vegetables, sauteing something she placed as chicken and filling the loft with the scent of something wonderful. When Oliver cooked, she felt so lucky and grateful. There were many a night where take out would have been her dinner, but he would create something so amazing she would forget about the existence of Big Belly Burger.

“Ok, dinner is in the oven,” he said as he rejoined her a few minutes later, “I’ll be back before it’s ready to come out so just relax. How’s your tea?”  
“Done,” she said as she handed him the mug.  
“You ok here or do you want to head back upstairs?”  
“I’m good here, I’ll watch tv until I pass out,” she smiled up at him.  
“Ok, here’s the remote. I’ll be back in half an hour or so. Ok?”  
“Yes, ok, go!” she laughed.

After Oliver left, Felicity relaxed and let the tea take hold. She was going to turn on the tv but the fire was warm, the sunlight was slowly turning that brilliant golden sunset hue and she felt good, lighter and happier than she had in months.

Unbidden, her thoughts turned to her dream and the little girl’s message. If she knew, deep down that she wasn’t ultimately responsible for the destruction of Havenrock, that the city’s people wouldn’t blame her, why was she continually blaming herself? What if she took Oliver’s advice and forgave herself? What would happen? She would never forget but she couldn’t continue to live in this kind of spiritual pain, that she knew.

She drifted off to sleep as the tea finally took hold. No dreams or nightmares came to interrupt or harm her. Felicity only woke up when she heard Oliver come in forty minutes later, refreshed and relaxed. They spent the rest of the night talking, laughing and edged back in a gentle rhythm with each other. When night fell and she finished what turned out to be the last cup of Yao’s tea she would have to drink, she slipped off to sleep while leaning against Oliver’s shoulder.

When morning arrived, she was up in her bed, tucked in and warm but something was wrong. She listened carefully and could only hear the faint sound of traffic far below. Oliver was no longer in the loft and the thing that saddened her the most was that she had no idea when he left. As hard as she tried to fight it, she wished he was and buried her head under the covers.

After a few minutes, she gave up and sat up. She was uncertain as to how she got up to her bed. She was confused as to how she was going to shower, make coffee, and eat but she would eventually figure out how to with the layers of bandages on.

“Speaking of which, how am I going to change these?” she said out loud as she looked at her hands.

Swinging her legs out of bed, she straightened up and tested her back and legs out. Just as she was about to search for her glasses, she saw the note with her name on the front in Oliver’s graceful, slanted handwriting. Smiling, she unfolded it and read his message.

_Felicity,_

_Never fear, I have not left you without a full carafe of coffee, breakfast in the warming drawer, and a clever way for you to have a shower. Which you might need now since I did coat your back in ointment before you fell asleep._

_You won’t remember any of this but I managed to get your hands poultice free and rebandaged with the salve. I’ll come and check on you at lunch, with some take out, and see how you are doing._

_Now, the shower...there are two plastic bags in the bathroom and two elastics. I think you might be clever enough to figure out how to put them on. I have a bet with myself that you can manage._

_Enjoy your morning._

_Love,_  
_Oliver_

That meant he hadn’t left her alone overnight and she must have slept through his making breakfast for himself and leaving. She carefully flexed her fingers, feeling a small twinge of tightness and pain, and headed for the bathroom. A shower was just what she needed before beginning the day.

As she awkwardly lathered the shampoo in her hair, she had a sudden idea on how to repay Oliver. It would mean coordinating with Thea but she suspected that wouldn’t be a hard ask. Smiling to herself, Felicity finished her shower and went down for breakfast.

 

III

The next few days went by with very little change to her routine. Her back slowly mended itself, the cuts on her face, legs and arms healed without any noticeable scarring, and her hands slowly became useful again. The fingers missing nails remained extremely sensitive but her palms healed quickly with only a little bit of tightness.

Oliver would come over at lunch and dinner times, usually to make her something to eat, but also to massage her nailless fingers. He was worried that when the nails grew back that it would hurt so he wanted to make sure the blood flow was strong and steady. She tried to get him to stop, saying he was overreacting, but she let him everytime he reached for her hands.

After a week, she felt healed enough to want to return to the lair. She suspected he was going out on patrols without her and wanted to bring that to a hard stop. She wouldn’t confront him on it yet, but he had a bruise on his arm one night that looked suspiciously like someone had hit him with a baton. He said it was from doing cleanup work at her office, but she didn’t believe a word he said although she was willing to let it go.

“So you think you’re ready?” he asked one night as she was getting ready for bed.  
“Yes, I do,” she said from the bathroom doorway, “My hands are a bit sensitive but I can use voice commands. My back feels almost completely healed.”  
“How about we try tomorrow night then? I really need to get out on patrol.”  
“You mean ‘again’, right?”  
“Felicity!” he said with a trace of frustration, “I have been too busy being Mayor to get out on the streets.”  
“So you say.”  
“You can check with my staff! Which, I might add, you are about to become part of.”  
“Speaking of which...Monday?”  
“Monday.”  
“What do you want me to do? People might think it is strange that your ex is working on your staff,” she joked carefully as she crossed over to her bed.  
“You’ll do what you do best. Cyber security,” he said matter-of-factly as he reached for her hands. She watched how he studied her palms, flexing her fingers, making her stretch or curl them to test flexibility. He gently massaged some of the healing salve into them and then carefully massaged her fingers until her body was so relaxed she sighed in contentment.

“You missed your calling,” she said sleepily.  
“What would that be for?” he chuckled softly.  
“Hand massager.”  
“Just hands?”  
“Ok, back, too.”  
“Alright, Ms. Smoak, to bed you go,” he coaxed.  
“How are my hands doing?”  
“They are healing really nicely. The nails look like they are going to grow back.”  
“Will you come with me to the office tomorrow? I...I’d like to see what it looks like,” she said quietly.  
“Of course,” he said as he smoothed her hair from her face, “it’s Sunday, so why don’t I pick you up at noon?”  
“Could we stop at Big Belly Burger?” she asked with a teasing smile.  
“I guess, but no double burger. That is just...wrong.”

Felicity laughed at his aversion to the double decker cheese and bacon burger. He was a healthy eater, known to demolish a large pizza on his own, but he drew the line at the DDCBB, as she called it. She climbed under the covers and found herself waiting for him to join her. Instead, she watched him turn out the lights and gather up his medicinal products.

“Oliver?”  
“Hmmm? What’s up?” he said distractedly.  
“Would you stick around? Until I’m asleep?”  
“I always do,” he said quietly. A look of concern passed over his face and he came over to her side of the bed and sat down beside her.  
“I know, I meant...up here.”  
“Is everything ok?” he asked with concern deepening in his eyes.

She felt something loosen in her heart and try to fly free. He was continuing to place her before himself. The past week had seen him staying until she was soundly asleep before leaving for the lair. She hoped he was going there to sleep but she suspected he was patrolling. Now, if she asked him, he would crawl into bed beside her and stay the entire night.

“I’m ok...I...I just…,” she paused, debating what to say, “I just feel like tonight maybe it’d be nice if you were nearby.”  
“You got it,” he smiled, “I’ll hang out on the loveseat. Ok?”  
“Ok,” she said gratefully.

A few minutes later, after Oliver had gone down to get the blanket from the couch and gotten himself comfortable, she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

_Birds were singing and she felt a cool breeze blow across her body. She breathed in deep and smelled flowers, trees and water. She opened her eyes and found herself in the memorial park Oliver had built in Havenrock’s honour._

_It was midday and the sun was streaming through the trees, like a waterfall cascading to the earth, and it was quiet, peaceful and empty save for herself. She loved the park and the attention to every little detail. They pathways, the flowers, the way the trees acted like an embrace to shield you when you walked from one garden to the next._

_She got up and made her way to the central memorial wall. The one she had been avoiding for so long. It was a beautiful, simple stone sculpture that seemed to throb with life. How the artist was able to capture the movement of the wind, time and life was beyond her but it represented the people of Havenrock with a gentle strength and honour. Oliver and his team had truly done a wonderful job._

_“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” came a soft voice from behind her._  
_“It is, it’s perfect,” she said without turning around. She would recognize Oliver’s voice even if he was calling to her from beyond the grave._  
_“We should go.”_  
_“Where? It’s early afternoon, the day is so warm and lovely, why don’t we stay here for a bit?”_  
_“I’ll stay with you for as long as you need me...that’s the problem.”_  
_“What do you mean?” she said as she turned around to look at him. He was wearing his green plaid shirt, the one she teased him into buying in Ivy Town. It made his eyes turn the colour of cornflowers and the whole effect took her breath away._  
_“I’ll always be here for you. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, but I know it isn’t enough, I’m not enough for you,” he said sadly._

_Felicity reached for his hands and held them in her own. She rubbed her thumbs slowly over his knuckles and silently debated with herself as to what to say next. He meant the world to her, maybe more than any person had or ever would. She was deeply, irrationally in love with him but she was still not sure she was ready to make that final step towards him._

_“Oliver, I know I should let you go. It is only fair to you,” she said sadly as she studied his hands, which had loved her, protected her, and provided for her. Then she looked up into his cornflower blue eyes, now rimmed with tears, and felt something take root in her heart. It mended a part of her that had been shredded, ripped, and scattered when he withheld William’s existence from her._

_Could she trust him again? Could she take that chance?_

_“Felicity,” he said softly, “you need to forgive yourself first.”_  
_“But…”_  
_“Look in your hand,” he encouraged._

_She did and saw the small pink hair bow. She had no memory of where it came from or how it got into her hand. Frozen in panic, she failed to feel the kiss Oliver pressed into her forehead, but she felt his hands leave hers and when she looked up he was gone._

_Staggering to the nearest bench, Felicity slumped down and gasped for breath. He was gone. She no longer felt his energy, his presence, or his love. She felt stripped bare, helplessly alone and abandoned. Staring down into her hand, Felicity studied the pink bow as her tears dropped from her cheeks and splashed on her hands._

_This tiny, dirty little bow felt like it was binding her to her grief. It represented something so large and incomprehensible that it amazed her that it could be so heavy as it rested in her hand. When Oliver left, it grew in weight and density. She wanted nothing more than to be rid of it but she had no idea how to actually do that._

_She got up, wiped her eyes and wandered down to the river. She was apprehensive at first if she should go near it. Remembering the last time she saw it was part of a nightmare, she searched quickly to make sure there were no bodies in it and saw only a gently flowing river, the sun glittering on its surface._

_Her thoughts turned to Oliver and the life she had walked away from. She thought of her father and the way her life was shaped by his absence and how both men had ripped holes in her heart and soul. But Oliver was still there, he was still willing to be a presence in her life if she could conquer the fear that had slipped beneath the skin of her mind. With him, she was no longer the little girl who was left broken and alone at the age of seven. She needed to figure out a way to let that little girl go so she could move forward._

_But first, she needed to let go of her guilt for the destruction of Havenrock. The emotional trauma of facing the unimaginable had taken its toll and she needed to do the impossible: forgive herself. Felicity wasn’t sure how but she knew letting go of the bow was part of that journey._

_“Let me go,” she whispered to the pink bow, “Please, just let me go. Forgive me.”_

_Tenderly, she dipped her hand into the water and released the bow. It tumbled and turned in the river’s current and then sank below the surface. Felicity felt a tremendous weight leave her spirit and was overcome by the sadness and grief as it left her body. She sat down on the river bank, listening to the water’s gentle rhythm and watched time slip away._

_Wrapping her arms around herself, she let go of her grief, letting her tears fall without caring and embraced the future for the first time as something that could be real. She felt untethered and adrift even as she reached for the light she could see at the end of the tunnel. Strong arms encircled her, bringing her back, slowing her tears as they lent her enough strength to finally find the darkness of deep sleep that was eluding her._

* * *

 

A few hours later, Felicity awoke feeling safe, lighter, almost happy and content. It had been months since she had felt what she could only refer to as good. She nestled her head into what she thought was her pillow but it wasn’t soft or fluffy. Confused, she opened her eyes and looked up into ones so deeply blue she forgot, for just a moment, how to breathe.

“Oliver?”  
“Good morning,” he smiled gently.  
“I was crying again, wasn’t I?”  
“Just a bit.”  
“Oliver.”  
“Ok, a lot.”  
“I’m sorry you keep seeing me like that but I guess I knew something was bubbling up, so I’m glad you were here,” she said gently.  
“I’m glad, too. What did you see this time?” he asked carefully.  
“It was different. I was in the memorial park during the day. It was beautiful. Quiet. Peaceful.”  
“What upset you?”  
“You...you were there but you left me. Rightly so, by the way,” she said quickly as his arms tightened around her, “I needed to stand on my own.”  
“And what happened then?” he prompted.  
“I did. I let the pink bow go. It was tying me to Havenrock, to things that filled me with grief and pain. I think I was crying that out.”  
“How do you feel now?”  
“Good. Really good. I...I think I’m ok now. Ready to not be babysat,” she chuckled.  
“I’ve never thought of this as babysitting, Felicity.”  
“I know but the way you have had to keep me safe, it feels a little like babysitting.”  
“I’m happy to do it, you know that.”  
“I know. Oliver...one of the things in my dream that came clear was that maybe I haven’t been fair to you.”  
“Felicity, I know where you are going with this,” he said quickly, “one thing at a time, ok?”  
“Ok,” she said somewhat relieved that she could hold onto that moment where she released him to herself, “How about we go to the office? Maybe pick up some coffee and Italian breakfast pastries?”  
“I like the sounds of that.”  
“Good! Let’s go!” she said as she untangled herself from his embrace and her bed sheets.

Twenty minutes later, teeth brushed and her hair combed, Felicity met Oliver downstairs and together they left the loft and headed out. The Italian cafe she loved was around the corner from the office, so as Oliver went to park the car in the lair’s garage, she went and got them breakfast. Her hands were working so much better now, thanks to Oliver’s help, and she was able to carry the bag of treats and both coffees with relative ease.

Oliver greeter her at the door, taking his coffee and the bag of pastries from her, and ushered her into her work space. She had missed this place, with its space and quiet and proximity to the lair. It was her home away from home and she was looking forward to using it more, maybe to finally start her start up company.

“Ok, come with me,” OIiver said as he took her free hand in his.  
“What about the pastries? They are still warm, Oliver, WARM!”  
“Just come on,” he laughed.

Curious as to what he was in such a hurry to show her, Felicity fell into step behind him. She could smell sawdust, paint and something else, something floral and green. Oliver’s body effectively blocked her view so she had no idea what was coming until they were in front of it.

What she saw made no sense. There were doors in the wall. Two French doors that lead to the interior courtyard space. She walked up to them and lightly ran her fingertips across them. They were real and the courtyard itself was so completely transformed that she was stunned speechless.

She felt her coffee cup being taken from her hand and then Oliver’s arm reaching past her still form to open each door and pulled them open. Felicity smelled the fresh cut grass, the flowers and the dirt. It was a transformed space. It looked cared for, loved, and ready for use.

“Oliver...did you do this?”  
“Yes,” he said cautiously, “Do you like it?”  
“I love it,” she breathed as she crossed the threshold and walked into her own secret, hidden garden, “You did this for me…?”  
“Of course,” he answered quietly.

Felicity walked around the perimetre and trailed her fingers along the rough, red bricks. She stopped to inspect the white wicker loveseat and chaise lounge that had been specifically, almost strategically, placed at one end of the inner courtyard. The small tables beside them held lanterns with battery operated lanterns. Overhead, she spotted outdoor light strings that looked like tiny light bulbs. The fountain was clear of debris and water was now flowing through it.

It was romantic, peaceful, hidden and hers. Turning to Oliver, she held out her hands and smiled.

“Oliver, I love it,” she said with a smile on her face and heart, “Come join me...but don’t forget the coffee and pastries.”  
“You really like it?” he asked as he produced both items of her request and crossed to love seat where she was sitting.  
“I do. It is...I mean...you did this for me…,” she said in awe and gratitude.  
“Well, I thought that if you were going to go through all the trouble of busting down the wall, I would be remiss if I didn’t do something,” he teased as he put their breakfast down on the small coffee table.

Felicity laughed and stood up to hug him. “I cannot ever thank you enough for all of this.”  
“You don’t have to,” he admonished softly as he rubbed her back.  
“I do. You are more than I deserve.”

Oliver stood in silence with her in his arms for what felt like an eternity. With a gentle sigh, he let her go and handed her the bag full of Italian breakfast pastries.


	18. Interlude Part Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is incredibly reflective. It is almost a direct mirror to chapter 17 because I needed to explore Oliver's POV as it all happened. And because it is so reflective, there is very little dialogue. The first part is Oliver's dialogue with himself as he works through what is happening between him and Felicity.
> 
> There is a shift in this chapter. It isn't seismic but it is there. Enjoy.

_Chapter Eighteen: Interlude Part Nine_

_With no time to spare_   
_He wades into the deepest part_   
_Of her chaotic soul._

_I_

_Oliver was uncomfortable leaving Felicity on her own for the first time in days but he knew he needed to be less of a presence in her life if she was to figure out how to rejoin the world. He was doing her no favours by constantly being there, watching over her to the point where he was now feeling intrusive, and he did have a city to run._

_Needing to change into more appropriate clothes, he stopped in at the lair to change into a suit and tie. Never a fan of getting dressed up, he had to patiently knot his tie three separate times before getting it right, and headed up to let the paint delivery in and meet the contractor._

_On a whim, he had called Lyla to see if there were any contractors that she trusted and she recommended an ARGUS repair team that he could trust with the keys to Felicity’s private space. He couldn’t be there to supervise and wanted to do some garden centre shopping after checking in at City Hall before returning to the loft. Felicity’s hands were going to be an ongoing concern until he was satisfied they were healing properly so it only added to his anxiety level to leave her for longer than a few hours at a time._

_Half an hour later, paint delivery accepted and contractors informed of what he wanted, he was on his way to City Hall. He really didn’t have a lot to do but he needed to connect with Thea and see what she needed from him as well as update her on Felicity. He didn’t tell her all of it, just that she had an accident at the office, but he wanted her to know he had it all under control and Felicity was healing up fine._

_Leaving at the end of the day felt strange but what felt stranger was standing in a garden centre in a suit while ordering dirt, planters, plants, garden tools, a push mower, outdoor furniture and lighting. He made arrangements for it to be delivered the following day at her office. He had some work ahead of him and hoped he could get it done before Felicity wanted to check on the damage she left in her wake._

_Oliver checked his watch and saw he had been away from Felicity for four and a half hours. He felt fingers of panic bristle against his spine and quickly made his way back to the loft. The doorman greeted him with an air of professionalism but Oliver still felt the heat of a spreading blush move up his neck and across his cheeks. He was surprised he still had that ability and thought Felicity would get a kick out of his reaction to getting caught coming to see her._

_Quietly, he entered the loft and listened for just a moment to see if he could hear her. Not a sound reached him and he was suddenly wary. Scanning the lower level, he couldn’t see her so called out softly, hoping she was awake but lying down out of sight._

_When she answered, he was confused for just a second. Her voice was coming from the stairs, the exact last place he expected to hear it coming from. When he turned and saw her, his heart dropped in his chest and he sprang into immediate action. Her eyes were open and staring at him, glassy with pain and exhaustion._

_He picked her up and carried her up to the bathroom, he really did need to check her hands, and kept her awake by teasing her, chatting with her about absolutely nothing at all. He could see the poultice and the tea were working wonders on her damaged hands. Moving the worst hurt fingers around, he saw they weren’t causing her any pain and underneath it all, she still had her good humour._

_Felicity was watching him closely, trying to gauge just what to think about her injuries based on his reactions to them, so he kept his face and tone neutral. He didn’t want to cause her undue worry when all he wanted was for her to rest easy. He looked down into her eyes and saw layers of pain and trust. Gently, he massaged salve into the cuts on her face, arms and legs while trying desperately to not lose himself in the immeasurable depth of her blue eyes._

_Lending her an arm, he helped her back to the bed to lie down as Yao’s tea worked its magic on her. He had a solution for her back but it could wait until she was awake enough to take her dress off for him. He wasn’t comfortable asking her now so he left her to sleep off the sedative effects of the tea and recover from the effort it had taken to remain still and upright on the stairs._

_When he was certain she was asleep, he made his retreat taking the bag full of his unworn clothes with him as he couldn’t clean or cook with his suit on. Once changed, he sat down at the dining room table and let his head fall into his hands. It was taking every ounce of willpower to not get up, go upstairs, and climb into bed next to her. All he wanted to do was keep her safe and something was telling him, she was going to need him soon. He was so familiar with her rhythms, that all it took was a certain look from her for her to know how close her psyche was to unleashing something terrible on her as she slept._

_Every nightmare she had was another reminder at how he had failed her. He knew she would bristle at him thinking that but in the end, if he had embraced the light within himself sooner and fought Darhk, then she would have not had to make the devastating decision that she did. In his rational mind he knew it was all Darhk’s fault, but he still carried the weight of guilt due to inaction on his soul. Felicity, for all her grief and guilt, would fight him tooth and nail to lay claim to it all and he loved her with a ferocity that seemed to be growing in strength with each passing day._

_He was contemplating what to make for dinner when he heard quiet weeping coming from the bedroom above his head. Taking the steps three at a time, he launched himself into her room only to find her sitting up, arms wrapped around her legs, crying softly. She was still deeply asleep, so he sat opposite her, stroking her hair and speaking softly to her so that she could follow his voice back to consciousness. It was a trick he learned when they were travelling the world together for when her nightmares would come in the quiet hour before dawn. She had told him on more than one occasion that his voice acted like a beacon, one that she could follow all the way back to sanity._

_Slowly, she traced her path back to her conscious mind and looked up at him with eyes so luminous and aware, he sensed the gravitational pull of her soul. For a tender moment, the past fell away and he felt somehow reborn in her gaze. It felt sentimental, the kind of sappy romanticism he teased his mother about growing up when he would catch her reading those sweeping romantic historical novels she was so secretly fond of, but there was no other way to describe how he felt in that moment._

_Then she blinked and the moment slipped away under the deluge of memories and events so devastating they left a mountain of pain between them. Yet still, even while in the grips of emotional and physical agony, she sought to reassure him that she was ok even though she was doubled over in pain._

_He needed her to lie back down so he could gently figure out just how badly her back was in spasm. When she tried, the pain that gripped her caused her to cry out but she did it so softly he almost missed it. Even when she was healing from all the surgeries and the trauma of the shooting that had left her paralysed, she never once cried out and hearing it now was like being flung out into space. He lost his bearings and ability to discern up from down. Her strength was staggering so feeling her teeter on this precipice laid waste to his heart._

_As gently as he could he laid her down and rubbed her back in an attempt to locate the largest knots. He could feel the ones in her shoulder blades and the cascading effect they had down her spine. Oliver knew she was trying to relax but there was only so far she could go on her own. When her breathing relaxed and he was certain the tears had stopped flowing, he left her alone for just a minute to run down to retrieve the salve he had brought from his stash in the lair. It felt like an eternity being away from her, even though he knew he made the trip in record time._

_When he re-entered her room, he saw a look of relief cross her face and it broke another piece of his spirit to see it, like she thought he would abandon her when she needed him the most. Hesitantly, he asked her to take off her dress but remain sitting up so that he could massage the salve into her skin. She complied without a moment’s thought and once again he found himself stuttering like a school boy. He knew he was blushing, which embarrassed him further, so he was glad to sit behind her and out of her line of sight._

_He tried to ignore the scars on her back as he worked the relaxation and healing balm into her knotted and spasming muscles. But he found his fingers working around them gently, tracing the path of destruction left by Darhk’s men on the body he worshipped. She couldn’t see the tears that silently made their way down his cheeks or witness the look of resignation and defeat that crossed his face. Every instinct in him was screaming to wrap his arms around her and hold her until the pain went away but instead, he continued to work the Bratva’s greatest healer’s ointment into her aching back. Anatoly’s aunt had been a renowned traditional healer and one day she decided to show him a few of her combinations before she died. He was honouring her memory now as he tried to heal Felicity with the tools she had given him._

_Slowly, she told him about her dream. About the little girl and Havenrock, how as she was searching for an unknown object, the little girl had appeared and gave it to her, how she could see him waiting on a ridge, patient and steadfast, and finally of how the people of Havenrock were offering their forgiveness because it wasn’t her fault or her responsibility. The bomb was Darhk’s fault and there was nothing she could do to change that fact._

_Oliver felt a push of relief in his chest when she spoke of forgiveness and that her tears were in direct relation to the little girl trying to set her free from her guilt. What caused his hands to shake and an unending well of sadness to open up once again with him was when she told him she should let him go, that it was the fairest thing she could do for him._

_Nothing could be further from the truth. She had ended their relationship for all the right reasons. He had lied to her, withheld vital information from her even though everyone around her knew about William, and then abandoned her repeatedly when she needed him the most. Every time he thought about it, he felt ashamed that in his fear, he had allowed himself to become a passive observer in his own life and relinquished responsibility for his decisions at every turn. Nothing he could ever do would ever make up for how profoundly he had failed her._

_How could he convince her that she was wrong? That by letting him go, she was actually doing the best thing for herself? He had betrayed her in the worst possible way. He had made a fool of her in front of their friends and family out of nothing more than fear. Fear of losing her, of disappointing her and breaking her heart were what drove him to conceal William’s existence from her. He lacked not only trust in himself but her and their relationship._

_His hands shook as he massaged the knots in her back, they were stubborn and spasming as he loosened their hold over her muscles and he willed himself to remain strong for her as he encouraged her body to accept his strength. He contemplated the path he was on now and that it was his to travel alone as she submitted to the healing balm. Regardless of how much love still flowed between them, the chasm that separated them was too wide and deep. Oliver knew he would regret creating it for the rest of his life but he needed to let her be free to be happy, healthy and whole. He knew he should leave, get Thea to help her or call Donna but not yet._

_Not yet, he thought as she leaned into his touch._   
_Not yet, he thought as she opened her mind and heart to him._   
_Not yet, as he thought of all the times she had mended his body with her hands and love._

_When she leaned back into him after he was done, he instinctively wrapped his arms around her. It felt natural and necessary, as though he needed to feel that she was ok and physical touch was the only way that could happen. The comfort she gave him, the gentle space of knowing and feeling like everything would be okay unmoored him. He released her from his hold and coaxed her into getting out of bed._

_A couple of mugs of Yao’s tea and she should be good, he thought. Her hands were healing quicker than he thought they would but it was her fingers that had their nails ripped out that were worrying him. They had scabbed over but the nail regrowth would not be pleasant for her. He needed to make sure the blood flow and overall circulation in her hands was actually good enough to support the kind of healing she was about to face._

_He was pleasantly surprised at her ability to walk down the stairs. She only had to reach for his arm once but otherwise was able to get down on her own. He wanted her to sit down but she was happy to be up on her feet and was teasing him relentlessly after he had a slip of the tongue and made mention of her in heels. She knew exactly how sexy he thought she was in her stilettos._

_They chatted and teased each other while he made her tea. When she mentioned getting a quote to repair the wall, he steered her clear and convinced her he would take care of it because he wanted to be sure that his identity was kept secret when he was ready to get back to patrol. She looked relieved that he was willing to do it because he suspected it might be overwhelming for her at the moment. Besides, his idea on how to fix it was going to come together in the next day or two and by then, she would be ready to get back to her life outside the loft._

_Getting her settled on the couch took some time because she was enjoying being up but he needed her to drink the tea while he made dinner. It was an unspoken fact that he was going to be sharing it with her, even though he had to leave for an hour tops, and he didn’t even need to ask permission to return. It was also now a given that he would be staying here with her overnight._

_Handing her the tea, after putting the roast in the oven, which he surrounded with carrots, onions, parsnips, potatoes and brussel sprouts, he felt content and a bit nostalgic. He was making the roast according to a beloved recipe that Raisa had made for him as a teenager. He had experimented while in Ivy Town until he got it right and had missed being able to make it. Felicity smiled up at him, handed him back the now empty tea mug and shooed him out of the loft._

_If he was quick, he could get the grass mowed in the courtyard and clean out the fountain with the hour he had set aside. He didn’t have to leave her, the courtyard wasn’t going anywhere after all, but he needed the space. She needed it. They were slipping back into a routine that felt so right and intimate that he knew it couldn’t take hold, he couldn’t let it. The heartbreak that would follow later when he would no longer be allowed in her sacred space was not one he could face again._

_He used the garage entrance to access the lair so that he could pick up the garden tools he had picked up earlier. The computers hummed and he felt the pull of his suit. He needed to get back out on patrol but knew better that to try that without her here. He suspected the ARGUS team would still be at work, as they had only arrived a few hours earlier, and he wanted to check on their progress. When he stepped off the elevator, the office was silent. He could smell the familiar scent of paint, sawdust and the rich loamy smell of fresh earth. He made his way to the construction zone and was shocked to find it completely fixed. The wall had been cut away and the French doors he had picked out had been perfectly hung. Their handiwork was exceptional and made a mental note to call Lyla and thank her for the help._

_Without a moment to waste, he rolled up his sleeves and got to work clearing the courtyard of debris, raking through it just in case something was lurking below the surface of the grass, and unpacked the push mower to mow it all down. The fountain was actually hooked up to a water line that was turned off and when he turned it on, he was surprised to see that it actually worked._

_The water that came out at first was dark with rust and smelled of copper but eventually it ran clear and the fountain came to life in the patch of sun it had been constructed to always be in. He uncovered evidence of a small garden in front of the window that Felicity would sit behind on her couch. The rose bushes he bought would go perfectly there as they could be kept pruned so as to not obscure her view. He decided that he would put the outdoor furniture at the other end of the courtyard to provide an alternate space. He was beginning to see what he would do but he had to get back to the loft and needed to shower and change before he did._

_Closing the doors behind him, he moved a pair of file cabinets to flank them and stepped back. By using their bulk and height, he was able to effectively camouflage the doors. Smiling, he picked up the garden supplies and headed back downstairs. He had ten minutes to clean up and run back to Felicity._

_The evening went by quickly. After dinner, they sat and chatted as he massaged salve into her hands as they watched a Hitchcock movie. Making her the very last cup of Yao’s tea she would ever have to drink, he settled next to her and waited for the sedative effects to take hold. As he massaged her fingers gently, she fell asleep while leaning against his shoulder. He was loathe to wake her but discovered as he carefully picked her up, that she was deeply asleep._

_Before heading upstairs, Oliver pressed a kiss to her forehead and stood for a moment, feeling the warm, comfortable weight of her in his arms. It was both familiar and alien at the same time. He felt torn down the middle and silently resolved to put distance between them until that divide in his heart was mended._

_Gently, he laid her the bed they used to share and looked at her hands. One last night of the poultice and she would be able to start using them again for simple things like washing her hair and possibly her tablet. Anything else would have to wait for the fingernails to begin their regrowth and the palms of her hands to regain some flexibility and suppleness._

_She was so deeply asleep that she didn’t budge as he carefully reapplied the poultice and rebandaged her hands. She sighed softly and turned over when he was done as though she had been patiently waiting for him to finish his ministrations. Oliver smiled at her then leaned down to press a kiss against her cheek._

_Silently, he made his retreat and returned to the main level. As quietly as he could, he cleaned up the pots and pans from dinner, tidied up the kitchen and made note of the groceries she might need and settled in for the night. He was used to the couch now and fell asleep quickly._

_____________________________________________________________________________   
_A little before dawn, Oliver stepped fully awake into a dream filled with chaos. Dust filled the air, people were screaming and running from a wind that seemed to be on fire. All of his instincts kicked into high gear as he assessed the situation and tried to figure out what was happening. He heard someone talk about a bomb and his heart took off at a frantic, galloping pace. He was on the outskirts of Havenrock, moments after the bomb fell._

_Looking around, he saw burning buildings, piles of debris, and the bodies of the dead. There was no safe harbour in the maelstrom that surrounded him but as he searched for an avenue of escape, he saw Felicity. She was standing in the middle of the road, staring at something in her hand while remaining completely oblivious to the panicked screams of the living and moans of the dying._

_Before he could stop himself, he shouted her name, desperately trying to get her attention. On the third shout, she looked up and scanned the area, looking for his voice. The dust wrapped around her like it was a living being. It obscured her from him for just a moment as he made his way towards her and he panicked, thinking it was going to carry her away from him._

_Pushing his arms through the swirling debris, he found her. She grabbed his hands and pulled herself free of the swirling cloud and fell against him. Looking down at her, he saw the glassy eyes and far away stare of someone in deep shock. Instinctively, he pulled her off her feet and carried her as far away from the centre of disaster as he could. When he reached a street that lead out of the city and that seemed to have avoided any of the effects of the blast, he turned down it and walked until he found a field out beyond the houses. Carefully he sat her on the ground and then lowered himself so that he was facing her._

_“Felicity? Hey,” he said gently, “Come back.”_

_She looked up at him and the light flooded back to her eyes. With a huge intake of breath, she reached for him, grabbing his hands and holding on so tightly he could feel her nails biting into his skin. Felicity was slowly calming down, unlocking herself from her internal prison._

_“Hey,” he said softly, “It’s ok. I’m here.”_   
_“Oliver?” she asked in an unsteady voice, “How...where did you come from?”_   
_“I was in the city and I saw you standing in the street.”_   
_“In the street…?” she looked around, confused and alarmed._   
_“You had something in your hand and then a cloud of dust and debris surrounded you.”_   
_“And you reached into get me…”_   
_“I couldn’t leave you like that.”_

_Felicity blinked and looked at him, really looked at him, and slowly looked down into her left hand. She was holding onto a pink bow, like the kind a little girl might wear in her hair. Oliver watched a tremor start in her hand and then travel up her arm until it spread to her entire body. Gently, he closed his hand over hers and held it until her shaking stopped._

_“I thought I had gotten rid of this,” she said with so much sadness and mourning in her voice, he was speechless for a moment. If he could do one thing for her at this time, it would be to get her to let go of some, if not all, of that grief._   
_“How about we find a way to get rid of it now?”_   
_“Together?” she asked._   
_“Together.”_   
_“How? The last time I let it go was in the Starling River.”_   
_“We can do it again. But I think we need to do it together.”_   
_“Why?” she asked, her voice had grown calmer, more focused._   
_“Because we are both carrying around a huge amount of guilt and grief over ending the futures of so many people.”_

_Felicity laid her free hand on the side of his face, using her thumb to wipe away a single tear that had spilled free and dropped down his cheek. He didn’t even know that he was crying until she wiped away the first tear that fell. He dropped his head and closed his eyes. This wasn’t about him, he needed to focus on her._

_“Just let it go, Oliver,” she whispered in his ears as she wrapped her arms around him, ‘You always hold things in so tightly. Is it any wonder you have so many unseen scars?”_   
_“If I start, I’m afraid it will never stop. I have so much to atone for,” he whispered._   
_“You have atoned for so much, Oliver, you discovered the light inside of you and found yet another part of who you are that you didn’t even know was there.”_   
_“You always give me hope.”_   
_“And you always loan me your strength.”_   
_“Let’s go,” he murmured into her head._   
_“Where?”_   
_“Back to Star City. That is where we belong,” he said as he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers._   
_“Ok,” she said softly as she gently kissed under both of his eyes._

_When he opened them, she was gone. All that was left was a suddenly barren nuclear wasteland. The city was gone and only a few of its citizens had survived the initial blast but were slowly succumbing to the ravages of radiation poisoning. Death and dust was all he could see._

_Standing up, he noticed something pink and silvery in the dying grass at his feet. He bent down and picked it up and felt his stomach drop when he realized it was the tiny pink bow that Felicity had been holding in her hand._

_It maybe was just his turn now to deal with the grief and pain of Havenrock. He knew it was time to go to Star City, he knew he would find her there and that maybe by letting go of this bow before he found her would clear the path for them to find forgiveness together. Oliver turned his sights towards Star City and started to walk, continuously searching for her on the horizon ahead._

_He blinked into the setting sun and slipped into deeper sleep._   
________________________________________________________________________________

_Oliver awoke with a small sigh. He felt a heaviness, a weight in his chest that felt familiar and strangely comforting. For years he had lived under the crushing weight of failed expectations, violence and loss to the point where that feeling, deep inside his own body, was what he clung to in order to feel normal._

_Then she came along and upended his identity and perceptions of self. Felicity had reached inside him and found the spark buried beneath the ashes and breathed life back into soul. Looking up at the loft, he knew she was still deeply asleep. The sun had yet to fully illuminate the sky but he knew his time asleep was over._

_As quietly as he could, he made her a simple breakfast of oatmeal with a bowl of blackberries and yogurt and a carafe of her favourite coffee. He loved the warming drawer he had installed when they moved back to Star City and put it to use keeping her oatmeal warm. Felicity had laughed when he insisted on it but never once complained._

_After he got dressed and cleaned up the kitchen and livingroom, he wrote her a note and quietly made his way up to her room. As he suspected, she was still very much asleep. He stood for just a moment and looked at her, at the peaceful way her face looked, at the the way her hair was fanned out around her head, and the way she had turned and reached out across the bed as though in search of him. With a sad sigh, he placed the note on her bedside table and left to start his day._

_The rest of the week went by in a blur for Oliver. He made the decision to start sleeping back at the lair, using late nights at City Hall as his excuse. He suspected she didn’t believe him but he made a point of being back at the loft for lunches and dinners to tend to her hands. Her fingers were healing beautifully but he massaged them and moved her hands, to make sure the skin was elastic and supple, and would stay until she was ready to go to sleep._

_What he then would do was return to her office and work on the courtyard. He was grateful it wasn’t a large space because digging it out, laying new earth and planting a variety of bushes, flowers and even ferns was almost harder than his most active nights on patrol. Somehow he managed to injure himself by stumbling off the ladder and bashing his arm on a the rake he had propped against the wall. It left a bruise that resembled one that he got from a bat one time and he was sure Felicity was going to think he was on patrol behind her back._

_After five nights of heavy lifting and cleaning, the secret garden was complete. He had dug out an 8ft by 8ft section, laid down sawdust and placed large, irregularly shaped paver stones to form a small patio, strung the outdoor lights above it, and put out the patio furniture. It was surrounded by ferns and and seasonal plants that could withstand low light and looked like something out of a fairy tale. Felicity would love it, he was certain, but he was still nervous that she would think he made yet another decision without consulting her. Only time would tell, once he was able to show her._

_Finally, after a week of being limited to being in the loft, Felicity informed him that she was ready to rejoin the world. They had shared a relaxing dinner and spent the evening together making plans to go to the office the next day then Oliver helped her back up the stairs to her room. She didn’t need it but she accepted it with a smile. Gently teasing him about the bruises on his arms, he couldn’t help but laugh with her all the while knowing her so well that he had been waiting for the comments and clever quips at his expense._

_Sitting opposite from her on the bed, they talked about what she would do once hired to his staff and just how ready she was to return to their shared vigilante partnership. Their lives were intricately entwined and part of him was drowning because of it. He knew they needed to finally let each other go, his dream earlier in the week had haunted him and the only way free from it was to finally untangle her from his heart. Being close to her, massaging her hands, cooking for her, all of it, was tying them together in a partnership she had rightfully ended four months ago._

_Looking into her eyes, he was struck by a sadness he saw lurking deep within her gold flecked irises. Something was wrong, he couldn’t put his finger on what, but something wasn’t right so when she asked him to stay with her, he agreed without thinking. He promised her he would stay with her and sleep on the loveseat across from her. She was grateful, he knew, but there was still that undercurrent of anxiety to her relief that was screaming out at him._

_He waited until she drifted off to sleep before allowing himself to relax. He slipped into the gray space between sleep and wakefulness, where his dreamworld pushed into his conscious thoughts, and kept his senses focused on her in case she was gripped by the nightmares her subconscious seemed determined to torment her with during the early morning hours. This time, the nightmare came a few hours after she fell asleep._

_Oliver was pulled out of his own restless sleep by the sound of her gently weeping. He was up and beside her in the blink of an eye. Kneeling beside the bed, he gently smoothed her hair away from her face and tried to gauge if she was in need of waking or physical comfort. Whatever was playing out in her mind wasn’t violent or disturbing but it was bringing her a tremendous amount of pain._

_Slipping his jeans off, he managed to get into bed beside her without waking her. Gently, he eased his arm around her waist and let her find him through the shifting scenes of her dream. He knew he couldn’t do anymore than that and fell asleep as she slowly migrated to his warmth. It was the most natural thing in the world for her to do and he mourned the fact that this would be the last time they could share a bed. He couldn’t do this anymore, not when he loved her the way he did, as it was breaking him apart one piece at a time as he tried to locate the moments before they found themselves living through a prism of pain and regret._

_He awoke a few hours later and found Felicity had managed to turn around so that her head rested on his chest. He was cradling her and noticed how her arm had come to rest low on his torso. Oliver closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of her shampoo and felt a flood of memories wash over him. He remembered all the times they had laid together like this, her head close to his heart and her hands tracing the seams that were holding him together._

_Just when he was about to wake her up, her breathing shifted and slowly she woke up. As she nestled into his body, he fought to keep from untangling from her and running as far away as he could but he knew that was his anxiety peaking and he rode it out, waiting for the calm that she would bring when she opened her eyes. Looking down, he waited for her to raise her head and search for him._

_Felicity looked up at him in confusion that gave way to sadness. She knew she had probably been crying, which is why he was in bed with her, but then she told him about her dream. About how she found herself in the Memorial Park by the central monument to the people of Havenrock. In a quiet voice, she told him he came to find her and they stood together in the park, how he gave her the pink bow and told her to forgive herself and then he left her._

_The devastation in her voice when she spoke of how he left her alone to do the hardest thing she would ever have to do almost broke the last piece of his resolve. She tightened her hold on him for just a moment and then started to describe how maybe his letting her go was the right thing to do and that she should do the same thing for him. Oliver cut her off and suggested they handle one thing at a time. He wasn’t ready to make that real just yet, not until he took her to her secret garden._

_He felt the tension leave her body and understood then that it was just as hard for her as it was for him. Giving him a small hug, she suggested they go to the office. It was Sunday and no one would be around downtown. She had recently discovered an Italian bakery and coffee shop around the corner from the office and suggested she pick them up some breakfast pastries while he parked the car in the lair’s garage._

_Oliver quickly agreed and twenty minutes later, they were on their way to their second home. He was nervous about what she would think and how she would react to the recreated space. With a deep sigh, he greeted her at the office door, took the food from her, gently took her hand in his and urged her to follow him. He knew that both his body and the way the cabinets were placed, that she wouldn’t see the french doors until he let her go past him._

_He moved out of her way and waited. She stood completely still and stared. Carefully, he took her coffee from her and placed it on one of the cabinets, then reached past her to push open each door. Felicity looked like she was in a trance but then she stepped across the threshold and into the sun that was streaming in. He watched her carefully as she walked around the outside of the space, taking in every little detail, every plant, how the fountain worked and the small peaceful space at the end of the courtyard that was like an outdoor living room._

_She turned to face him and smiled. Oliver felt tears spring to his eyes and blinked them back. It was the first time he had ever seen her smile with her whole being since she had stood up out of her wheelchair left him. She lit up the shadows in the garden and he felt her joy blow past him, taking away the heaviness in his chest. He picked up their coffee and breakfast and went to join her._

_He asked her if she was sure that it was ok that he recreated the space for her, that the garden felt ok for her. She reassured him that she loved it, that it meant the world to her that he would do all of that for her. Oliver watched her carefully and saw a flash of such innocence and vulnerability in her eyes that he wanted to to pull her into his arms and never let go. What he saw was the little girl who was abandoned by her father, the woman abandoned by her soul mate, and the woman who made the decision to divert a nuclear bomb to save millions at the cost of others and abandoned all hope of ever being free from guilt and grief again. He saw all of that travel through her gaze and he would lay down his life to make sure she never felt that way for the rest of her life._

_“I cannot ever thank you enough for all of this,” she murmured as she stood up to hug him_   
_“You don’t have to,” he admonished softly as he rubbed her back._   
_“I do. You are more than I deserve.”_

_It was those last six words that fragmented his already shattered his heart. He broke free from her embrace and suggested they have their breakfast before it got cold. Maybe she didn’t want to face it, but things would need to change between them. He would begin putting the necessary emotional space between them so they could survive months ahead as they tried to find their way back to one another or finally apart. He didn’t believe he was worthy of her forgiveness but he was willing to try and find out. They sat together in peaceable silence, watching the first of many birds come visit the fountain, and faced their uncertain future with renewed grace._

_II_

_The weeks went by in a familiar loop. He was constantly in motion either as Mayor Queen or the Green Arrow. The streets of Star City were quiet but he could sense something brewing under the surface. He recognized the signs of a shift in power and knew he needed to find help for what was about to hit the city’s streets._

_During the day, he tried to work with the police to get them the budget, recruits, equipment and training that they needed to protect the citizens of the city. They were the most vulnerable and still trying to pick up the pieces of their lives from the reign of terror HIVE and Darhk had delivered to them night after night for months on end. He felt he owed it to the city to ensure they were protected and safe day and night._

_Felicity worked to develop different ways the city’s essential services could remain safe from future cyber attacks. He loved watching her in meetings as she took control of any room she entered. His instinct would always be to protect her but within a week she had the police department and Prosecutor’s office eating out of her hand. They hung on her every word and stopped questioning her when she hacked into the Chief of Police’s bank account and moved all his money out while he was standing in front of her. She did it to show him how poorly the city was wired and from then on, they differed to her and the hardware she was designing to accompany the software she was coding._

_She was in her element and flying. They spent the days in easy conversation and more often than not he would forget about his decision to keep her at arm’s length. After long days in City Hall, she would invite him to the garden he created for her and they would enjoy coffee and sometimes something to eat before heading down to start their nightly patrols. Thea would meet sometimes join them and he could see her watching them. It would usually only take one look from him to warn her off but he could see that one day she was going to say something or question him, not Felicity, and he had no answer for her._

_He desperately wanted things between him and Felicity to be different, for them to walk into the future together but he couldn’t even entertain those fantasies. Being near her like this was good enough for now. She was still recovering the full use of her hands, but the nails were almost regrown on her damaged fingers and her palms were soft and healed. Between meetings, he would close his office door and massage the salve into them._

_He cherished those moments. When they would sit, knee to knee, in silence as he tenderly worked the fragrant ointment into her skin. He could feel her eyes on him but he kept his downcast, watching her fingers move and flex. Something had shifted between them and he was suddenly terrified as to what it signified. When he would glance up, she would be softly smiling at him, her eyes shining like sapphires behind her glasses._

_One day, a few weeks into their new working arrangement, Felicity came into his office to see him before leaving for the day. He was sitting at his desk but he was staring out the window, lost in thought. He actually failed to hear her enter the room and cross over to his desk._

_“Surveying your domain?” she teased gently._   
_“Hmm?” he said as he swung back around to face her, “No, just thinking…”_   
_“About?” she prompted._   
_“Whether I should go out on patrol or not.”_   
_“Oliver, you look exhausted,” she said matter-of-factly, “I think we both could use a night off.”_   
_“I suppose you are right,” he smiled tiredly but the last thing he wanted to do was go back to the lair alone. He had an income now and really needed to find a place to live above ground._   
_“Why don’t you come over for dinner and I can help you do an apartment search,” she suggested as though she was reading his mind._   
_“Deal,” he said after a moment’s thought._   
_“Sushi?”_   
_“From your favourite place?”_   
_“I’ll send an order in now,” she smiled as she called up the restaurant's’ website and online ordering system, “Ok, ready to go in five minutes?”_   
_“You got it.”_

_He watched her leave and marvelled at her intuition. She always knew when he was running out of steam and in need of recharging. He felt a flutter in his stomach as he prepared himself to be back in the loft for the first time in weeks. The wall of memories that he walked through every time he went there was loosing its density but it always left him in tatters._

_Leaving his office, he caught sight of Thea leaving Felicity’s office. She smiled and waved good night and left for the day. Thea was blossoming as his Chief of Staff and he had no idea what he would do without her. She wanted to get out of the vigilante game and felt this was her way to rebuild her life away from the influence of her father. He didn’t begrudge her the desire to explore who she could be but he would miss her if she left._

_“Ready?” he called._   
_“Yup! Do you have your car here?” she asked._   
_“No, I walked in today. Do you have your’s?”_   
_“Yes, I do, there is no way I could walk all that way in these shoes,” she laughed._   
_“Well, they are new. You would definitely get blisters,” he said absent mindedly as they walked towards to the elevator._   
_“How do you know they are new?” she asked quietly._   
_“I...well, they might be old...but... I mean…,” he stammered._   
_“Oh my God, Oliver!” she said as she burst out laughing, “You should see your face!”_

_She was still laughing as they entered the elevator and the doors closed. He knew he was turning red, which made him blush even more, but he also knew he was right. He was always aware of her shoes. He loved the way her legs looked in the stilettos she wore and had, for a time, made sure that she knew it. Staring straight ahead, he tried to ignore her stare but he felt her hand slip into his and tug his arm until he broke and laughed along with her. He almost wrapped his arms around her in a long, intimate hug but the elevator doors opened into the garage and out they went to get dinner._

_“Let me drive,” he said suddenly._   
_“You still don’t trust me do you?”_   
_“You almost ran down an old lady in a crosswalk the last time we drove together.”_   
_“That was last year!”_   
_“Still.”_   
_“Fine. But this is the last time this is going to happen.”_   
_“We’ll see,” he ribbed._

_Dinner was perfect. They sat in front of the fireplace, watched The Shining and just enjoyed each other’s company. Slowly, his head dropped back and he was lost under the surface of sleep. His dreams were swirls of chaotic lights and shadows. He was transported back to Lian Yu, lost in the forest, running from Slade and praying he could make it up the mountain before nightfall._

_Then he was wading into the sparkling Mediterranean ocean, the water warm and soft, and admiring the Positano village off in the distance. Felicity was on the shore watching him with a smile on her face, patiently waiting for him to rejoin her. She was beyond beautiful to him. She was everything._

_He blinked and was back in the loft the first night they moved in, boxes and packing materials were scattered across the floor but he couldn’t take his eyes off of her as she lowered her body down over him, lining him up and burying his throbbing, hard cock inside her. That night was full of so much love, passion and naked lust, that they were both surprised by the intensity of it all. She had clung to him through a series of orgasms that left her shaking and in tears by the end of it and in his dream he whispered in her ear, “I love you, I love you, I love you…” over and over again._

_Before he could finish the moment, he was transported to the top of the mountain that would eventually see him topple, almost dead, after Ra’s plunged his sword through his chest. After selecting his sword, he turned to face Ra’s but someone shouted his name and he awoke with a start into the quiet loft. He listened for a few minutes and heard nothing._

_That couldn’t be right, he thought. Felicity, even asleep, was noisy and he could hear her with an entire building between them. He was about to get up and go looking for her in her room, just to ensure she was safe, when he saw the note. It was propped up on the table in front of him. He saw Felicity’s precise handwriting and smiled. Her handwriting was just like her: tiny but strong. He loved it and had a box of her notes tucked away in the lair. They were his special keepsakes that would always be for his eyes only._

_Oliver,_

_I needed to do some work tonight but noticed I left my tablet at work. Don’t be angry with me, but I went back to City Hall to get it._

_I have my phone with me and I promise I won’t be long. I didn’t want to wake you to tell you because you looked so peaceful. You really do need to find a place to live. The lair shouldn’t be your home._

_XOXOX_   
_Felicity_

_Narrowing his eyes for just a moment he did a quick sweep of the loft. Her runners were gone from the door, as was her outdoor running jacket, and while she might have her phone with her, she did not have her car keys as they were still in his pocket._

_Oliver quickly made his way to the laundry room and changed into clothes that he had left there in case of an emergency, including proper running shoes. He felt a flash of real anger as he hunted out his old hoodie from her room and barely stopped to grab his phone and her car keys. He had a feeling that he knew where she was and if true, he was prepared to be furious with her._

_The streets were quiet, which caused the hair on his arms to stand up in a weird wave of deja vu, but that didn’t mean it was ok for her to venture out alone to an isolated park by the river. If she was there, he didn’t know what he was going to do but he knew quiet nights on the couch were were about to end._

_Pulling up to the gates, he got out of her car, and looked around. He didn’t see her right away but when he did, it pulled him up short. She was kneeling in prayer in front of the memorial. Every few seconds, she would pull a pebble out of her pocket and place it on the lower ledge of the stone sculpture. He hung back and waited out of respect for her to finish her humble offerings._

_When she got up and dusted her knees off, he made his approach._

_“Hey,” he called softly in an attempt not to startle her, “Felicity.”_   
_“Oliver?” she called back in a startled voice._   
_“Yes, I’m walking towards you now.”_   
_“What are you doing here?” she demanded as he walked closer to her._   
_“What am I doing here?!?” he shot back, “You have got to be kidding me.”_   
_“You didn’t have to hunt me down. I am not your responsibility anymore.”_   
_“You were never my responsibility, Felicity,” he exclaimed, “How many times do I have to tell you that?”_   
_“I guess a lot, because here you are,” she flung back at him._

_He stood for a moment and studied her in the low, silvery white light. She had been crying just a little bit but otherwise looked well enough. Her anger was a surprise though considering that she knew how he felt about late night wanderings. It was suicidal. It was incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. He had found her the night she shattered and never wanted to go through that ever again. She had been catatonic and unreachable for hours. If something were to happen to her out here, he wasn’t so sure he could put her pieces back together again._

_“Felicity, you know how dangerous this is!,” he practically shouted at her, “It isn’t safe! You can’t do this over and over and not have something happen to you. You aren’t invincible”_   
_“I can’t live my life on ‘what if’s’, Oliver. I needed to do something here by myself. This is my forgiveness, Oliver,” she said as she pointed at herself, “If I do this, I am honouring them and earning that forgiveness.”_   
_“Why can’t you do it during the day?” he countered._   
_“I...I mean...I guess I could but…,” she trailed off mid thought._   
_“What? That it would be safe to do it now so long as I didn’t find out? You lied, Felicity, in your note, you lied to me and I knew it,” he said bitterly._   
_“I needed to do it on my own,” she said defensively, “I needed to know I could do it on my own. Oliver, you are my rock, I don’t actually know what I would do without you, but I needed to do this alone.”_   
_“You always could do it on your own, Felicity, you just never realized it.”_   
_“I needed to do this without you,” she said in a sad, quiet voice, “I needed to find myself without you nearby. Sometimes I feel like I am only able to do certain things because I know I can rely on you to keep me strong."_   
_“Felicity...that is how I feel about you. You give me a foundation to build on....it’s just I...can’t…,” he stumbled and fell on his words. He stood in front of her and stared at the ground, deflated and defeated._   
_“Can’t what?” she asked cautiously._

_Taking a deep breath, he launched into what he needed her to hear, “I love you. Probably more now than I did six months ago. I dream about you, about us, and when I open my eyes...I see the bunker and the empty walls and I close them again so I can find you.”_   
_“Oliver…”_   
_“No, Felicity, no. I can’t do this anymore. You deserve...you deserve better than me. I know you said you forgive me, but I haven’t forgiven myself. Not yet,” he said with a sad shake of his head._   
_“You carry your hurt with you like a shield, Oliver. You use it to batter those that love you.”_   
_“It...doesn’t matter,” he said sadly, “I just can’t do this anymore. Now, are you ready to go home?”_   
_“Yes, I guess I am.”_   
_“Here are the keys to your car,” he said quietly, “I’m going to walk back the lair.”_   
_“Oliver,” she said as she took the keys, “You can get a ride back. It won’t kill you.”_   
_“No, it won’t, but it will still destroy me. Besides, I can take care of myself,” he said matter-of-factly as he turned to walk wearily out of the park and into the night._

_The journey back to the lair was uneventful. He was no longer angry, he was just tired. He needed to cut the ties that bound them together and part of that would be letting her go, letting her do whatever it was she wanted to without hovering over her under the auspice of protecting her. Maybe this was the last time she would walk to the park, maybe not, maybe it was the beginning of a new cycle of mourning. Whatever it was, he needed to distance himself from her far enough that he could let her fly on her own._

_He was keyed up and aimlessly angry so he suited up and went out onto the streets to see what was really going on. His adrenaline spiked and his senses went into overdrive the moment he stepped out into the night. He felt alive in his isolation, like he did in the early days of being the Hood. Over the course of three hours, he stopped a mugging, prevented a sexual assault and located the homebase of the new power player in Star City. It looked like that whoever it was hadn’t fully established themselves yet as the building was dark and silent. He made a mental note to let the chief of police know this information so they could keep an eye on the location._

_Returning to the lair, he felt calmer, more centred. His hands ached from punching the mugger, who had tried to fight back, but he handled him by breaking his wrists and tying him to a lamp post. The vigorous, physical action was what he needed to drive out the lingering anger in his system. Oliver felt like he knew now how to move forward with respect to Felicity. It would hurt them both but it had the potential to allow them to find their way back to one another. But first he needed to get his Ducati back. It would have come in handy tonight but it was still safely locked away twenty five miles out of town._

_Turning off the lights, he retreated to his room and went to bed. Within moments he was asleep and dreaming of soft white sands, the murmur of soft, summer conversations, the silky feel of her skin under his hands and her taste on his tongue. Nothing was distinct, like everything was happening behind a layer of fog, but he was following her from one memory to another, trying to find the paradise they wandered the globe in search of. Morning arrived and he awoke feeling refreshed and strangely at peace._

_Once at City Hall, he pulled Thea into his office and made plans to go back to the resort so he could pick up his bike. The road was finally open to thru traffic and he really did need the Ducati. If they left right after work the following day, they would hopefully hit light Friday night traffic and he could get back for an early patrol. It was time for him to close that chapter of his life and try to find his footing without Felicity to guide him._


	19. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter moves quickly but surely. Felicity gets a visit from an old friend and Thea does a favour that brings two stubborn souls together.
> 
> The end is coming, folks.

**Chapter Nineteen: Forgiveness**

 

_Stepping into the world_   
_Alone and uncertain_   
_She found her foundation._

I

 

Felicity watched Oliver walk out of the park away into the night with a stronger sense of who she was and the impact she was truly having on Oliver’s life. There was nothing she could do or say that would bring him back so she could tell him how she got to the park or even why she needed to make the trip at all. She lightly clenched her fists and tried not to call after him because she knew if she asked him, he would regardless of the damage it would do to his heart.

It made her angry that she couldn’t have a moment of peace, that he constantly felt the need to make sure she was safe. As she slammed her car door shut, she sat back and thought about the way he had assumed she had put herself at risk but had failed to ask why she came here after midnight again. It felt like a physical shove to the chest as she realized he had purposefully not asked her for any details. He had kept his distance carefully for the specific intent of not physically being near her. There was nothing she could do about it now, he had come to a decision that worked for him, so she headed back to the loft and her bed.

Sleep evaded her, she tossed and turned for what felt like hours until giving up and making her way back down to the living room. The events of the last week kept tumbling around her mind so she closed her eyes to sort through just what it was that had finally freed her mind and heart up enough to untangle her grief and guilt surrounding Havenrock.

It all came back to Oliver. He had been her rock as she found her way back to herself. He kept her head above water, held her for hours as she wept and cried and raged against Darhk and herself. He bandaged her hands and made sure she was safe on that horrible night in the courtyard and then created a safe space for her to retreat to when things got too intense to properly handle.

She was pushing him away while at the same time pulling him close because underneath it all she couldn’t deny the depth of her love for him. It was vast, like the night sky but it was weighing them both down as an unvoiced truth. At the same time she had sensed a hesitancy in him for the past week, like he was trying to figure out how to emotionally remove himself from her and still remain in her presence. She had felt invisible hands on her shoulders that were keeping her away and was struggling to accept that it was for the best.

They both needed the space to figure out who they were now as individuals, she knew that, and they could only work together if they remained honest with one another. That level of honesty had gone missing somewhere between them falling asleep on the couch in front of the fire and her decision to leave and go to the Memorial park. With a deep sigh, she knew she had to continue the conversation they were both too angry to have right now, regardless of how hard it would be for both of them.

Would he be willing to listen? Should she go to the lair in the morning? Should she wait until they were in the office? The sun had yet to lighten the sky over the horizon when she gave up trying to answer those questions, went to shower and change. She knew she could be in the lair, coffee in hand, before he was up. It was the least she could do given how the evening had ended and besides, she missed her babies and wanted to make sure they were still operational.

Half an hour later, she was pulling into up to her office. The streets were quiet and the sun had finally risen up above the horizon. Luckily, the Italian cafe around the corner opened early so she was able to pick up coffee and breakfast before heading down the elevator. Stepping out into the lower level, she stopped and listened for Oliver. All was silent and calm. She could hear the servers humming quietly in the corner and her computers blinked in the darkened light.

Home. That’s what this felt like, she thought. Home.

As quietly as she could, she crossed over to the comcentre and put down the coffee and breakfast sandwiches and looked around the lair. She had missed this place more than she really thought she would. As her eyes passed over the cases that held the suits, she paused. Something wasn’t quite right but she couldn’t put her finger on it, so she wandered over to look at Oliver’s Green Arrow suit up close.

The gloves. It was the gloves he wore that were missing. Searching the space, she located them on his workbench. Narrowing her eyes, she made her way to his workbench to see why he would be working on them and saw they were ripped and covered in someone’s blood.

He had gone out on patrol after saying he wouldn’t without her to guide him. Felicity turned and made her way to his room at the back of the bunker, she was furious and decided to waste no time in confronting him. Her hands were still sensitive to impact and, so she picked up one of his spare gauntlets to hit the door with instead of knocking.

“Oliver?” she called loudly.  
“Felicity?” came his sleepy reply.  
“Yes, could you come out here, please?” she said through clenched teeth.  
“Wh...what time is it?”  
“Early.”  
“Ok...Give me five minutes.”  
“Fine,” she said as she spun on her heel and made her way back to the comcentre.

True to his word, Oliver came out of his room five minutes later. He looked confused, sleepy and mildly irritated. She was sitting in her chair waiting for him, coffee in hand, and was trying to keep her cool. They both had been untruthful with each other in a very short space of time and that couldn’t continue if they were to work together day and night.

“I brought coffee and a treat as a peace offering,” she started, “and then I saw the state of your gloves and realized you went out on patrol. Without me.”  
“I did,” he said quietly as he sat down opposite her, opening his coffee and taking a long swallow, “I was keyed up and angry, I went out for a couple of hours and...let it all go.”  
“You promised me that wouldn’t do that because it is dangerous, Oliver,” she said in a tightly controlled voice.  
“Just like you said you wouldn’t walk to the park at night,” he shot back.

Felicity took a long drink from her coffee cup and studied him over the lip of the cup. He wasn’t meeting her eyes opting instead to sit with his elbows on his knees so he could study his feet. She knew that look. He was feeling guilty but was stubbornly holding onto his flimsy moral high ground.

“Oliver,” she said quietly to the top of his head, “I’m going to tell you why I left the comfort and security of being asleep under a warm blanket, with my head on your shoulder in front of a fire, in order to sit in front of a memorial on a cold night. First, I didn’t walk, I took a cab.”

Oliver looked up at that and sat back. She took it as a good sign that he was now making eye contact even if he face was completely neutral and unreadable. He was eating one of the biscuits and watching her carefully.

“I had woken up from a dream, not a nightmare, a simple dream where I was kneeling saying the Mourner’s Kaddish and another prayer from Isaiah. I would place a stone on a grave after every line and I felt so...I felt lighter, freer. I felt like the forgiveness I was looking for was there in the words and actions so specific to who I am,” she said earnestly, “After I almost killed myself breaking down that wall, I knew it would eventually come to me and then it did, while I slept with my head on your shoulder. Oliver, you built the park, you built my garden, you saved me out on the coast and again as I lay injured under the fountain. You protected me from the storms that raged outside and the ones inside my head and heart.”

She stopped and took a deep breath. OIiver’s face had softened and she could see his eyes as they tracked her as she moved her hands and shifted in the chair, where she looked when she spoke but most importantly, he was listening.

“I love you for all that you have done for me,” she continued after taking a deep breath, “You helped me stay sane and grounded even as we both were losing our grip and sinking. You cleared the way for me, physically and emotionally, simply by being there. But I needed to complete the journey on my own, I needed to put the rocks on the only grave stone the people of Havenrock will ever have and the only reason they have it is because of you. You have done more for their memories then I have, you know that right? My dream showed me where I needed to be, where I needed to go to finish the journey you have been with me on but...Oliver...It wasn’t your journey to finish. So this monument was like a neon sign pointing me the way home, but I needed to reach it without you helping me.”

“You could have told me that before you left,” he said in a low voice.  
“I could have but what would you have done?”  
“I...I would have watched over you to make sure you were safe,” he said simply.  
“I didn’t want that, Oliver,” she said softly as she watched this enormously powerful man, a man whose strength was more than just his body, but also his heart and soul, a man she loved with the power of a thousand suns, fidget with an almost childish impatient, “I needed to do it on my own.”

“I get that, Felicity,” he said in exasperation, “But you could have gone during the day. You could have told me. You didn’t have to lie.”  
“Speaking of which,” she said hotly as she threw one of his gloves to him, “Wanna tell me about that?”

She watched the Wall of Oliver, as she called it, come slamming down behind his eyes. He was retreating from her but she decided to head him off and confront the issue at hand as she saw it. He couldn’t be the one to dictate their relationship moving forward, they both had to figure that one out separately and together.

“You promised me that you wouldn’t go out without me,” she said quietly, leaning forward as her chair moved an inch in his direction, “You promised me, Oliver. Why did you go out last night?”  
“I needed to...I needed to feel like I did back when I started as the Hood. I can’t explain it but it was like I was free from having to answer to anyone. It was liberating to be honest,” he admitted, “I wanted to get rid of what I was feeling.”  
“And what was that?”  
“Helplessness. Anger. I needed to not feel or think anything about you,” he finally said.  
“So I lied to you to keep you from finding me and failed. You broke your promise to me and I found out regardless,” she said in summation.  
“Sounds about right,” he said with a small laugh as he shifted in his chair.  
“Oliver, we need to create a bit of space don’t we?”  
“Yeah, we do,” he said in resigned agreement.  
“I’ll work from my office upstairs during the day,” she said somewhat sadly.  
“Ok.”  
“I’ll still be here though,” she said with an emphatic look, “You can’t go out without support.”  
“I wouldn’t think of it,” he reassured her.

With a sigh, Felicity leaned back in her chair to look at him, to see what his body language and face were telling her. He looked relaxed, almost forlorn, and ready to walk away. It terrified her but she knew it was for the best for them both.

“Well, ok then,” she said as finished up her coffee, “So, we are agreed?”  
“I think it’s for the best,” he said resignedly.  
“Oliver,” she started as she looked down at her hands as they fidgeted with her now empty coffee cup, “I’m sorry that my impulsiveness drove you to reconnect with the part of you that began all of this…”  
“Felicity,” he said so softly she almost missed it, “You never have to feel responsible for anything I’ve done or will do. And I’ll never be far away.”

She kept her eyes on down on her hands, too afraid to look up because she could feel tears threatening to spill down her cheeks if she did, and simply nodded. She was focusing on keeping her composure, struggling against the weight of lost opportunities and the untangling of him from her heart. So intent was she on not moving or reacting that she failed to hear him get up and cross the space between them in order to kneel in front of her.

“Felicity,” he said softly as he tenderly took her hands in his, careful not to hold them to hard, “We will make it through this.”  
“I know,” she whispered as the first tear escaped and dropped onto his hand, “It just feels like when I left you in Nanda Parbat.”  
“Oh no,” he said in a soft sad voice as he pulled her to her feet so he could wrap her in a tight hug, “Please, know that this is not that. I am not leaving you. We just need space to figure our own things out.”  
“I know,” she said into his chest, “I know.”  
“Tell me the prayer from Isaiah,” he prompted as a diversion.  
“You really want to hear that?”  
“Yeah, I really do.”  
“And the Lord will always guide you, and satisfy your soul in scorched places,” she softly intoned, “and resurrect your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of waters that never fail. From you, your good deeds, will rebuild the ancient ruins; The generations-old foundations you will re-establish; They will call you the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the ways of civilization.”  
“That is beautiful,” Oliver murmured, “How did you feel after saying it?”  
“Peaceful. Forgiven.”

Oliver increased his hold on her and rubbed her back. She felt so safe and loved but also a renewed sense of purpose. With a heavy heart, Felicity gently pushed herself away from Oliver’s loving embrace.

“I need to go pick a few things up from City Hall, so I should get going,” she said quietly.  
“I’ll follow in a few minutes.”  
“Ok, I’ll see you later.”  
“Absolutely.”

With a small nod, Felicity turned around and left the lair.

 

II

That first day not being in the office at City Hall was a difficult one. She kept looking up, half expecting to see Oliver walking in through the door or be out in the hallway beside her office. At lunch, she took her coffee and sat out in the warm courtyard garden he had built for her. Looking around at the flowers, the way he had constructed the small pathway to the fountain and then on to her small, but intimate outdoor living room, it felt like she was sitting in his heart.

It was overwhelming and deeply touching to have been gifted such a beautiful space that had been entered into with such violence and pain. Oliver had read the enclosure perfectly and had simply coaxed the garden out through hard work and love. She had no idea how to repay him but she knew she had to do something when the time was right.

Just as she was about to get back to making sure her latest security protocol for the city’s power grid was backdoor free, her phone alerted her to a delivery heading into port that might contain weapons or explosives. She had rigged certain parametres into the port’s weight and cargo manifest system and something was coming up as suspicious.

She sent a text to Oliver marked 911 and waited. Hearing nothing, she sent another one to him and one to Thea. Five minutes later, Thea called and Felicity gave her the information to share with Oliver. He was in a meeting with the Chief of Police going over budget data and couldn’t get to his phone but Thea could slip him the information without raising suspicion.

Felicity decided to head down to the lair so that she could power up her computers and get some drone and security camera footage of just what was going on at the port. It was through her diligence that she discovered it wasn’t going to where it was intended and the port security was complicit in the fraud.

She sent all of that to both Thea and Oliver and asked they come to the lair as soon as possible. Working quickly, she moved back and forth between tracking the shipment’s true origin and followed it to its eventual address. Nothing matched up and they needed to get in front of this before whatever was in those shipping containers hit the streets.

An hour later, Oliver and Thea came hustling into the lair. As Felicity filled them in, Oliver checked over his gear. He had some repairs he needed to make that would take time so he set off to make them. Thea spent the wait time warming up and stretching. Her heart really wasn’t into it anymore but she would go out to support her brother.

“Oliver?” Felicity called from the comcentre, “Have you gone to get your Ducati yet?”  
“Not yet!” he called back.  
“We’re going to share mine!” called Thea.  
“Ok! When are you heading out?”  
“In about an hour!” Oliver called back.  
“Perfect,” she said as she turned her attention back to her surveillance.

For the next hour she sat and watched as the delivery truck sat in front of an abandoned warehouse. The driver remained in the vehicle, so she couldn’t identify him, and as the light grew darker as evening fell, everything took on a sinister tone. She diverted her attention long enough to call up the warehouse’s schematics and pinpoint the best places for them to get in and out.

A flash of light drew her attention to the surveillance screen and she saw the truck start to move. Using the security cameras in the warehouse complex, she tracked it as it pulled forward and then backed into the now open docking bay.

“Guys! It is going in!” she called.

Oliver and Thea, now in their gear came up to join her and the three of them devised a plan for them to get in and find out what the truck contained and then get out. They were headed into a mystery zone that she would not be able to see into to help them.

With that, they headed out into the dark, urban night and began their recon mission. Felicity was insistent that they gather as much information as they could before devising a plan of attack. Oliver was not happy, she could read it on his face but made him agree to her strategic approach.

For the next two and a half hours, Felicity guided them in, received information from both of their body cams, and began digitally unpacking the interior warehouse space. Both Thea and Oliver moved without a sound through the cavernous space, gathering information as they tried to figure out who was in charge and how many men they were dealing with.

The truck left after having been unloaded and its payload lay unopened and alone in the middle of the warehouse. No one came to claim it, but there were men strategically positioned on the lower level to watch over it. Luckily, no guards were on the upper level that Oliver and Thea now moved like wraiths across.

They managed to get out and back to the lair completely undetected. Felicity continued to work on the warehouse interior layout as it had been altered from the original layout. Something wasn’t adding up in terms of square footage and she was going to figure it out if it killed her. There was an extra set of stairs leading down where there should be nothing and it make no sense.

“Felicity, it is after midnight,” Thea said quietly, “Maybe wait until morning to keep digging?”  
“Hmm?” she said without looking up, “It’s ok, you go home, I’ll be fine.”  
“Felicity,” came Oliver’s firm voice, “Sleep is calling both myself and Thea and it should be calling you.”  
“I’m an adult, Oliver,” she said matter-of-factly, “I can finish this here or upstairs.”

Oliver said nothing. All she heard in response were his heavy footsteps on the stairs and then the quiet closing of the door to his room. Felicity glanced up and watched his shadow under the door as he move back and forth getting ready for bed. This space was a shared space and he needed to get used to that if they were going to continue working together.

“Felicity, I know you and my brother are...in a rough place right now, but he means well,” Thea said softly.  
“I know,” she said to the younger woman, “But I need to figure this out, I’m not doing anything dangerous.”  
“I know, I know, but I just want to be sure you guys keep things level.”  
“Thea, I still love your brother,” she said softly, “But we need time to figure some other things out first.”  
“He still loves you, too. Which reminds me, he and I are headed out to that resort you guys got trapped in to get the Ducati,” she said as she gathered up her bag and jacket.  
“When?”  
“We were going to go tonight until you called with the 911.”  
“Oh...ok.”  
“Did you leave anything behind that you want me to pick up?”  
“No, I...I brought everything with me.”  
“Ok. See you tomorrow?” Thea asked.  
“Yeah, I’ll be here.”

Thea gave her a quick hug and left the lair, leaving Felicity alone with Oliver’s retreating presence. She considered calling out to him but instead powered down her computer, gathered up her tablet and phone and headed upstairs. They had agreed to keeping their distance and she was determined to honour that agreement.

The night was still relatively warm and she was still wide awake, so she went out to the courtyard and turned on the overhead garden lights. They illuminated the space with a warm golden glow and she relaxed into the cushions of the loveseat. She was in love with her secret spot and wished it was part of the loft so that she could just head into bed and not have to worry about the drive home.

Slowly, her eyes started to close and she knew she should get up and move to the couch inside but she couldn’t find the energy to rise up off the loveseat. She was warm and protected from any wind that might be blowing. It only took a few minuted for her hands to release their hold on her tablet and her phone as she allowed sleep to overtake her.

_Felicity felt the cool wind blowing over her. It smelled fresh and alive, carrying with it the scent of the forest and river. She opened her eyes to a night sky so full of stars they seemed to be competing for space. Off in the distance she could hear the steady surge of waves hitting a far away shore and the call of seabirds._

_She didn’t know where she was and that didn’t alarm her although she suspected that she was back at the resort. But why was she outside? She sat up and looked around, trying to locate exactly where she was and if she was alone or not. Behind her, not too far away, was the cottage she and Oliver had shared a short week ago. The windows reflected a flickering light, telling her the fireplaces were running to ward off the damp chill, but otherwise all the other lights were off._

_Somewhere, deeper in the surrounding forest, came a long, low howl. All the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck stood up. It was like a bolt of electricity had passed over her and she shivered. She didn’t feel threatened, she felt like something was coming to see her and she needed to be ready._

_The underbrush shifted and moved and out came the mangiest dog she had ever seen. Slowly, it came closer to her and she recognized Coyote. Tears sprang to her eyes and she gently reached her hand out to her sniff. She knew how skittish Coyote could get in the dark, so she wanted to be careful not to startle her. Through her tears, she felt the wet lick of recognition from her old friend._

_With a quiet yip, Coyote nudged her arm and then settled down beside her with a satisfied sigh. Felicity was overwhelmed with emotion as she felt her old dream friend start to snore gently beside her. She felt safe with her here. Able to think once and for all about Havenrock, Oliver, William, all of it._

_She looked up to the sky and the stars twinkled and shone with blazing intensity. She could feel their cold light on her face and the weight of time pressing down on her. What would happen if she let go of Oliver completely? What would happen if she walked away and from him and the love that still lived between them?_

_Coyote stirred next to her and whined softly in her sleep. Felicity gently stroked her ears and head. Why was she here now? Of all days? Why now?_

_“Why now? Hmm?” Felicity asked, “Why are you here now? What message should I be looking for?”_

_Coyote opened one eye and looked at her and Felicity could have sworn she was being laughed at. Laying back down beside her old friend, her eyes slowly closed. She didn’t want to go to sleep, she wanted to figure out what to do next. There was a hole in her life and heart that she was trying so hard to repair and sleep wasn’t providing the answers._

_A clap of thunder sounded off in the distance and the smell of rain came floating on the wind. She should get up but she was warm and safe for the first time in months. It wasn’t until she felt the wet nose of Coyote on her neck that she realized she had drifted away for just a few minutes._

_“Ok, ok, I’ll get up,” she grumbled under her breath._

_Before she could open her eyes, she heard her friend chuff out a half bark, half laugh and then the underbrush shifted and all returned to silence. Felicity opened her eyes, knowing Coyote had gone, and stared up at the stars. Her eyes, now accustomed to the deep black of the night sky and she spotted something overhead that hadn’t been there before. It was the faint purple haze of the Ghost of Jupiter. What was it about that distant nursery of stars that seemed to be following her from place to place?_

_Was this what Coyote had woken her up to see? Why? What could be so important about something long since dead? she wondered silently from her place on the damp, mossy earth._

_Just as the thunderstorm in the distance started to close in on her, she found the thread of memory Coyote had been nudging her towards. It made perfect sense and she hoped she could hold onto it until morning._

_As the first raindrops came, she sidestepped the rain and tumbled headlong into deepest sleep._

Felicity awoke with a start. The air had turned cold and the stars were obscured by clouds. She smelled rain on the breeze that could reach her and she had lost track of time. Picking up her tablet and phone, she turned off the gentle overhead lights and headed inside just as the rain began to softly fall. Knowing her own limits, Felicity made her way to her couch and laid down. She could always head home in the morning to get changed or wait until Oliver was gone to shower and change in the lair. As she debated with herself on what option to pick, she fell into a deep and dreamless sleep that lasted until morning.

 

III

The next two weeks went by in a exhausting blur. The action down at the dock and port had picked up considerably and the small team found themselves working well into the night and early morning almost every single day. Felicity had taken to sleeping in her office after the long nights. Exhaustion dictated it but she didn’t tell Oliver and Thea in order to avoid lectures and pitying looks.

One night, she took her tablet up to her courtyard, along with a blanket, and sat down to figure out where the money would take her. Whomever was trying to run things at the docks had to have an account or something she could trace back to the source so that they could know just how big the organization was they were up against.

Felicity was so wrapped up in what she was doing that she didn’t hear the elevator door open or the solid steps that crossed the wooden floor to her hidden doorway. She was so engrossed in reading her tablet screen that she even missed a gentle throat clearing, quiet chuckle and cough. Her attention required something larger to divert.

“Felicity,” came the soft call from the doorway, startling her out of her focused concentration.  
“Wha...what are you doing here?” she said loudly to Oliver.  
“I saw that your car was still in the garage.”  
“Oh right. I forgot about that.”  
“Why don’t you go home?”  
“I am close to finding the trail, Oliver, closer than I’ve ever been and if I am right, I wanted to be able to use my true server power to set up some traps and backdoors. I can’t do that at home.”  
“Why not wait until morning?” he countered.  
“Oliver. When have I ever had the patience to wait for morning on something like this?” she admonished as she turned her attention back to her tablet.

So quickly did she block him out that she failed to hear him cross the space to her side. It was only when the tablet was pulled from her hands that she remembered he was still there.

“Oliver!” she yelped as she reached for it.  
“Nope, you are coming inside,” he said as he walked away.  
“What happened to our keeping our distance?” she grumbled hotly.  
“We have been and are but you are not sitting outside in the cold if you are going to do this,” he said simply as he lead her into the elevator.

Standing silently against the opposite wall, she looked at him and tried not to smile. He looked so smug and self assured, like he had done something surprising and out of character. She wanted to ask him why he checked on where her car was but decided to wait until they were in the lair.

“Here,” he said as he walked her towards the comcentre, “here’s your tablet now work here and then try to get home before dawn.”  
“So why were you checking on my car?” she asked as he walked away. She watched his shoulders stiffen just enough to know she was onto something.  
“I wasn’t checking on your car,” he said quietly, “I was making sure the garage door was down and locked, like I always do.”  
“Then you’d have seen my car there almost every night this week,” she said with a tired sigh, “So why come up tonight?”  
“I...I don’t know,” he admitted, “I wanted to make sure you were ok, I guess.”  
“But not any other night?” she asked sadly.  
“Felicity…”  
“Never mind, it’s ok. Goodnight. You’ve done your good deed for the day, now I have work to do” she said as she turned to her computers. In the distance, she heard Oliver’s door softly close behind him.

“Well, that wasn’t painful at all,” she muttered to herself.

Pushing it out of her mind, she set to work on finding the trail. She knew she was close and worked straight through the night. It was when she woke up with her head on the desk beside her keyboard that she made her retreat to the couch beside the small kitchenette. Pulling the woolen blanket over her, she drifted off for a few hours sleep.

The smell of coffee woke her up and she opened one sleep swollen eye to see a large steaming cup of Italian coffee and a bag of something delicious in front of her on the table. Oliver must have gone out to get it and left for the day without her hearing him. Smiling, she sat up and had her breakfast.

It was hard to not reflect back over the past two weeks and not feel the still unhealed hole in her heart. She missed Oliver more than she actually cared to admit to. Even though she had forgiven him for the William debacle, she was still figuring out if she could trust him with her heart again and maybe he was figuring out if he could trust himself. She didn’t know anymore.

But maybe, she thought, maybe the point isn’t that she know for sure. Maybe she had to trust him enough to know what it was she had been offering him and was willing to offer him again. And that was it, she realized, underneath it all she was still considering him as being trustworthy enough to offer him a chance to hold her heart in his hands again. Maybe the time of ‘not yet’ was over, she considered thoughtfully, maybe it was time to think in terms of now.

She sat with that thought for a while and let it percolate. It felt like maybe she was onto something and then she remembered her dream with Coyote two weeks prior and it all suddenly came clear. If her hands weren’t full she would have done a fist pump, instead she finished her breakfast and started to formulate a plan.

Feeling refreshed and alive for the first time in weeks, she headed to her car and home to change. But first things first, she and Oliver needed to have a conversation that was well overdue. She knew he might be resistant at first, but he always gave in when he knew she was right.

Instead of working at her office, she went into City Hall to meet with the new IT hires. She was bound and determined that they would all at least be capable of turning on a computer in her presence. The last team in City Hall seemed to not know what a security breach meant and that was unacceptable. She spent the morning with them and by lunch was satisfied that they could keep the city relatively safe.

Now, onto the main event, she thought as she quietly knocked on Oliver’s office door. She had no idea if he was in a good mood or not but all she could do was try.

“Come in,” came the tired response.  
“Hey,” she said quietly as she entered and closed the door behind her.  
“Hey.”  
“You sound tired,” she commented casually.  
“Long nights are finally getting to me,” he smiled gently, “I’m not as young as I used to be.”  
“But you are wiser.”  
“True. What’s up? The new IT department up to your exacting standard?”  
“Yes!” she said brightly, in an attempt to conceal her nervousness, “They all seem to be intelligent enough. At least they knew what a security breach looked like and why it might be bad.”

Oliver chuckled at her and rubbed his eyes. He needed rest, she thought, rest and calm. There was a chance that tonight might be a good night for that as the docks had calmed down and no further mystery shipments had come into port. The major players were still faceless and nameless but Felicity was sure she was close to uncovering who they really were.

“I was thinking tonight might be a quiet night,” Oliver said, “I need some rest before I go back out onto the streets.”  
“I think that sounds like a good idea,” she agreed.  
“You could use the time for yourself, too,” he suggested, “Maybe get some sleep.”  
“Maybe but what I do is nowhere near as taxing as what you do,”  
“Still, you need to keep your batteries charged, too.”  
“Ok. Well, I just thought I’d stop by and…,” she stumbled on what to say next, “see how you were.”  
“I’m fine, Felicity. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”  
“Right. Ok. Well, I’ll see you...tomorrow?”  
“Sure.”

For a moment, Felicity stood and stared at him. She took in the weary set of his shoulders, the shadows under his eyes, the way his hair looked as though he had been running his hands over it all morning. He looked exhausted and she knew now was not the time for the conversation she originally came in here for. Not yet, she thought.

 _Not yet_ , she thought as she watched him retreat behind the walls around his heart.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as a fist of sorrow threatened to punch its way out of her chest.  
_Not yet_ , she thought as the abyss between them deepened.

“Are you sure you don’t need me for anything here?” she asked hesitantly.  
“I’m sure.”  
“Well then...bye,” she said and left his office with the bite of tears stinging her eyes. He had been distant in the past, but this was something different. He was dismissive of her and though she was loath to admit it, it hurt.

Without looking up, Felicity hurriedly left the building and made her way to her office. Keeping herself busy for the rest of the day, she failed to notice that the day had given into the persistence of night. The moon had risen early and was high over head, filling the courtyard with a silvery light. She paused for a moment to look out and appreciate the way the garden filled with movement and life. Several of the flowering plants Oliver had included along the perimetre garden beds were flowering. Mums, lavender, columbines and daisies filled the corners of the space and infused the air with a sweet, gentle perfume.

Picking up her now cold coffee and blanket, Felicity wandered out to the chaise lounge and turned on the lantern lamp on the table beside it. It was a perfect night to lie back and watch the sky in its infinite dance, shimmer and dance above her.

Felicity thought back over the unusually stilted conversation she and Oliver had exchanged earlier that day. It hurt to be so pushed away that he was simply a shadow that occasionally crossed her door. She wanted to reach out to him, to pull him back to her side of the world but he had closed down all avenues for discussion and was doing what he needed to do for himself. She couldn’t intrude on that. She wouldn’t.

Instead, she made the decision to wait and see. Something was brewing under the surface of his weary but placid exterior, she was certain of it. Relaxing into the cushions of the lounge, she drifted off to sleep. The pull of it was simply too strong and it presented an escape for her that she was loath to ignore.

A few hours later, strong arms lifted her up off the lounge and carried her inside to the couch by the window. She struggled to wake up and opened her eyes as her glasses were taken off. She peered up into blue eyes that were amused and concerned all at once.

“What are you doing?” she mumbled sleepily.  
“It is too cold out there for you to sleep. You’ll get sick,” Oliver answered quietly.  
“I have a blanket,” she protested weakly.  
“Yes, but you are freezing, Felicity. Can you feel your fingers or toes?” he asked.  
“Yes.”  
“Can you move them?”  
“Yes, I can,” she said only to realize that they were indeed frozen, “Ow! Ok, they are really cold.”

Oliver shook his head and took her hands in his and gently warmed them up. After a few minutes, he did the same for her feet. She was too cold to protest and he was exceptionally warm.

“Why did you come up here?” she asked drowsily, lulled by the warmth of the office and his body heat.  
“I saw your car out front and wondered what you were still doing here instead of being at the loft.”  
“The loft has too many echoes. Here I have a garden,” she said drowsily.  
“But the loft has your bed, Felicity, where you really should be.”  
“Thanks for your concern, Oliver, but I will be fine.”  
“I know. I...I wanted to...I guess I…I mean sure...”  
“Wow. Now that is some A+ stammering,” she teased as he blushed a deep red.  
“I’m trying to apologize for being so short with you this afternoon,” he said apologetically.  
“You don’t have to, Oliver.”  
“I do need to. You were just being you and I was being a bit of a jerk.”  
“No, not a jerk. You looked preoccupied and I interrupted that.”  
“Still, I’m sorry.”  
“Oliver...what aren’t you saying?”  
“You know me too well,” he chuckled as he sat back beside her.

Felicity watched him as he carefully arranged his body, it was like watching a machine check all of its moving parts and getting them organized and ready for action. It was something she enjoyed witnessing. Oliver was amazingly in control of everything his body did. The economy of motion was like watching the finest made ever watch quietly ticking away.

“The last couple of weeks have gone by pretty quickly,” he said quietly.  
“We’ve been pretty busy,” she said as she shivered involuntarily. It had been cold outside and her body was now processing it. Without thinking, Oliver leaned over and pulled her into his side where he could rub her back in the hopes of getting her circulation going.  
“We have been and without you, we wouldn’t have been safe or found half of what we were looking for.”  
“You and Thea do all the work. I worry about you two every time you step outside.”  
“I don’t know what we would do without you, Felicity.”  
“Get lost down dark alley ways? Stumble on illegal gambling dens filled with armed men?” she teased.  
“I wouldn’t mind that, actually,” he teased back.  
“Don’t I know it,” she mock chastised him as she wrapped one arm around him, “You would come back to the lair covered in bruises and cuts.”  
“Not a chance, you would kill me,” he mused.  
“Now, what aren’t you saying?” she asked after a moment’s silence  
“I spent some time ruminating on what I was so desperate to fix within myself.”  
“What did you discover?”  
“That I can be the man I want to be, not the man I have to be.”  
“Whoa,” she said as she pulled back to look at him, “Oliver, that is seriously Zen for you!”  
“Watch it, Smoak,” he laughed.  
“But seriously, what does that mean for you?”  
“That I’ve finally left the island,” he said quietly.

Felicity said nothing for a few minutes. She rested her head against his chest and listened to his heart beating, so strong and even, and absorbed what that meant. As she did so, the energy between them shifted and changed, it became warm, electric and alive. It infused her with a sense of peace that had been evading her for a long time.

“Oliver, that is wonderful.”  
“It feels scary but good.”  
“I bet.”  
“Felicity….I…,” he stammered.  
“You what?”  
“I’ve...I’ve missed you,” he said in one big rush.  
“I’ve missed you, too,” she said softly.

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, watching the tall grasses and bushes waving slightly in the breeze outside. Felicity was too tired to move but to glad to care. Maybe this was the start of their journey back to each other, maybe they could do it right this time.

“I should get some sleep,” Oliver said reluctantly, “Thea and I are driving out to the resort tomorrow now that the road has been repaired. I need my Ducati.”  
“Yes, you do, she said as she sat up and untangled her limbs from the blanket and him, “I should head back to the loft.”  
“Are you going to come back to the office now?” he asked almost fearfully.  
“Yes, I think I will.”  
“Good,” he smiled as he helped her up to her feet. Before she could protest, he wrapped her in his arms in a long hug.  
“I think you’re crushing me,” she said in a voice muffled by his chest.  
“Goodnight, Felicity,” he chuckled softly.  
“Goodnight, Oliver.”

As she watched him leave via the elevator, she was seized by an idea. Racing to her phone, Felicity called Thea and asked her for the biggest favour she had ever asked of her and then headed home to go to bed. She crossed her fingers that her idea would come to fruition. It was worth the gamble regardless of the outcome.

A little after eight the following morning, her phone rang. She was already up and getting ready for the day as she had a nine am meeting with the new and improved IT department but still thought the call was a bit on the early side. Looking at the caller ID she saw that it was Oliver.

“Oliver!” she said in fake morning cheerfulness, “What can I do for you?”  
“I have a huge favour to ask but don’t feel like you have to say yes,” he said bashfully.  
“Well, if you need a kidney, I don’t think we are compatible. The odds of that would be astronomical!”  
“Felicity.”  
“I’m teasing. What do you need?”  
“Thea was supposed to drive me out to the resort after work tonight for me to get the Ducati,” he said, sounding like a teeneager asking his mom for money to go buy condoms for the first time, “and now she can’t, so I wondering if you could drive out there with me.”  
“Of course! What time are you thinking?”  
“Around five?” he said sounding relieved beyond measure, “It’s Friday but now that it is fall all the traffic will be headed down the coastal highway not up it where the resort is.”  
“I guess I should bring some flats with me so I can drive…,” she wondered out loud.  
“Um...how about I drive?”  
“Chicken.”

Oliver laughed, thanked her and asked for her to pick up some good coffee on the way in. The machine at the office was on the fritz and he was needing his morning caffeine buzz. She was more than happy to comply, since she was stopping on her way in regardless, and went to get dressed.

On a whim, she threw an extra set of clothes into a gym bag so she could be comfortable on the drive in and out of town. The last thing she needed was to be stuck in her office clothes and heels in her tiny car. The day would go by quickly, she supposed, and she really had to thank Thea for whatever excuse she came up with to avoid the drive out of town on her behalf.

 

IV

“Oliver!” she called out into the empty office, “Ready to go?”  
“Yeah, just shutting down my computer!”  
“Restart, Oliver, restart! Do not shut down!”  
“What’s the difference?” he asked as he closed his office door.  
“The IT dudes are pushing through a security update. If your computer is off, it will not receive the packet.”  
“Oh.”  
“Oliver…,” she moaned in mock frustration.  
“Don’t worry! I hit restart,” he laughed.  
“Why are you like this? Did someone hurt you as a child?”  
“Come on,” he chuckled, “Let’s get going.”  
“I think you are excited to see that bike again.”  
“You have no idea.”  
“What is WRONG with you?”

Oliver’s laughed all the way down to the garage. He threw his bag with his motorcycle leathers into the backseat and then spent ten minutes adjusting the driver’s seat. Felicity had to bite back her laughter throughout the entire process. His large frame was almost too big for her car and he was swearing a blue streak by the time he finally got it right.

“You need a bigger car,” he muttered darkly.  
“Why? You are never driving it again,” she laughed.

The ride up the coast was one of easy, gentle conversation. They talked a little bit about the upcoming budget cuts, the rebuilding of the Glades and how to handle rebuilding the team. Oliver was stubbornly holding onto waiting for Diggle to return from war, but Felicity firmly believed they should be rebuilding with new members.

They were still discussing it when they pulled into the now darkened parking lot. The sun had gone down a while ago and the stars were now peeking out of the velvet black sky. Felicity had forgotten how beautiful the sky was out here as it pushed down through the forest canopy.

“We should check with the staff to see if we left anything else behind other than the bike, our helmets and telescope?” she asked.  
“Yeah, I’ll let them know I am leaving with the bike tonight at the same time.”  
“Sounds good. After you,” she said with a fake bow.  
“Who are you?” he laughed.

Together they went into the resort’s main office and talked to reception. The front desk staff were kind and gracious but said they couldn’t find the telescope. The night manager suggested they go look in the cabin as no one had stayed in it since they left because of the road being washed out and completely impassable until just a few days ago. Felicity looked at Oliver and shrugged her shoulders. It was worth a shot to go and check, she suggested, then they could get on their way.

“If they lost that telescope,” Oliver muttered darkly, “I will not be happy.”  
“Just wait before you light the torches,” Felicity laughed, “I bet it is right where you left it.”  
“It had better be.”

With the key in hand, Felicity lead the way carefully over the cobblestone path and remarked that she should have changed out of her heels. At one point she stumbled and almost fell until Oliver’s quick reflexes saved her. From that point on he kept his arm firmly around her waist. She protested at first but he wasn’t listening to her.

“We’re almost at the door, Oliver, you can let go now,” she coaxed.  
“Nope.”  
“You are so freaking stubborn.”  
“Just open the door,” he chuckled.

With a deep breath, Felicity opened the door and walked into the cabin. It was dark but she saw the flicker of firelight in the living room and smiled. Now all she needed to do was wait for Oliver to notice. She felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach and her hands suddenly got clammy.

“Why is the fireplace on? Is someone here?” he asked from behind her.  
“Nooooo…,” she said slowly.  
“What’s going on, Felicity?”  
“A surprise…,” she said as she slipped away from him and into the room.  
“A surprise.”  
“Yes and a thank you.”  
“Felicity…”  
“No, Oliver, this is my gift. You don’t get to put parameters on it.”  
“Ok,” he said from the doorway, with his arms crossed, “What is it?”  
“Stop being you and come in here and find out.”  
“Fine,” he muttered.

Felicity laughed, reached for his hand and pulled him into the room. There he saw what her surprise was: a warm fire going in the fireplace and a candle lit dinner table set for two. On top of the table were two silver domes keeping their dinner hot. She watched his face to see what his reaction was and saw, to her great relief that he was smiling that soft smile he had when he was truly happy. He looked at her and his eyes shone. She smiled back and pulled out his chair.

“Have a seat, Mr. Queen.”  
“With pleasure, Ms. Smoak.”  
“I hope you like it, I ordered with your current increase in physical activities in mind.”  
“Let’s have a look,” he said softly as he reached to lift the silver dome covering his plate, “Holy...steak and eggs...I think you nailed it.”  
“Dig in,” she encouraged gently.  
“What did you order?”  
“Steak, but no eggs.”

Oliver smiled broadly at her until she was sure she was blushing from her toes to the roots of her hair. She quickly reached for her tablet and connected it to the tv’s sound system in order to play some background music. After a moment’s consideration, she selected Billie Holiday and set the volume to low.

“Felicity…,” he began hesitantly, “When did you find time to do this? Was this why Thea bailed on me this morning?”  
“Yeah, I kinda asked her to come up with something so that I could do all of this,” she said sheepishly, “And you know I can text like the wind, so I was able to send one here to get the dinner timed with our arrival.”  
“I’m glad you did,” he said in his softest voice. The one that melted her heart in Nanda Parbat. The one that always felt like a gentle caress against her heart.  
“I was worried that...maybe…,” she trailed off.  
“What?” he prompted gently.  
“That you might not want to have dinner with me.”  
“Why would you think that?”  
“The way things…fell apart after the park.”

Oliver sat back in his chair and studied her. She could feel his eyes on her face, willing her to look at him. When she did, she saw a kind of melancholy reflected in his eyes, a remnant from their complicated split. She wasn’t sure what to make of it so she waited to hear what he might say.

“Felicity, I…,” he paused and reconsidered what he was about to say, “Felicity, I want nothing more than for you to find happiness and all the things you deserve in this lifetime.”  
“Thank you,” she said as her heart sank. She had heard enough of these kinds of speeches from him to know it was not going to end up where she wanted.  
“And I needed that time away from the intensity of watching over you to find myself again, to figure out why I had reverted to that man on the island when you had so clearly shown me the way off of it.”  
“I see,” she said in as neutral a voice as she could muster as she prepared for the worst.  
“But I discovered something…,” he trailed off as he looked into her eyes, “I discovered that I want no future without you in it.”

Felicity wasn’t sure she heard him correctly.

“Say again?” she blurted out.  
“I said,” Oliver said slowly with a smile spreading across his face, “I discovered that I want no future without you in it.”  
“Oliver, I…,” she stumbled as her thoughts all competed for attention in her mind, “I planned all of this to woo you not the other way around.”

Oliver smiled at her then and she swore he briefly lit the room with light and energy. He left her breathless at the best of times, but when he was bursting with life like in this moment, he mesmerized and dazzled her.

“How are your hands?” he asked as he sipped his coffee.  
“They are good,” she said as she flexed them.  
“Let me have a look,” he said as he got up and came around to her side of the table and knelt down beside her.  
“The palms get stiff every now and then,” she said in a low voice as he took her hands in his and slowly moved her fingers and looked at her nails to make sure they were growing back.

She studied Oliver as the candlelight flickered and danced across the hard edges of his reflecting skin. Felicity ached to touch his face but held back as she hadn’t yet opened up her heart to him.

“Oliver...I did a lot of thinking the last couple of weeks, too,” she started carefully, “I spent some time thinking about the fall out of Havenrock and William. I had to see if I could live with forgiving myself and forgiving you.”  
“What conclusion did you come to?” he asked cautiously.  
“That there is no conclusion. That all we can do is our best and to relearn how to trust simply by trusting,” she said quietly, “And that includes trusting our hearts will be taken care of.”  
“Do you trust me?”  
“I’m learning how,” she said honestly, “This dinner was my way of saying I am trying to.”

Felicity leaned forward and rested her forehead on his and said, “And then Coyote came for a visit and showed me that I needed to do.”  
“Wait!” Oliver exclaimed as he pulled up, “You had a dream about...Coyote? Coyote., she of the fleas and nasty smells?”  
“Yup,” she laughed, “I was just as surprised as you are! But she helped me, Oliver. She provided the final piece to the puzzle I have been searching for.”  
“And what was that final piece?” he asked as he smoothed her hair from her face.  
“You,” was all she said as tears suddenly sprang to her eyes.

Oliver leaned forward and gently kissed each of her cheeks, her forehead and finally her lips. Felicity felt her world explode, then pull itself back together in those few precious seconds. It was like time and space were created just for them. She opened her eyes and looked into ones that mirrored hers and felt herself beginning to fall in love all over again.

“How long did you reserve the cottage for?” he asked in a husky voice.  
“All weekend,” she said softly as she outlined his bottom lip with her thumbs.  
“Good,” was all he said as he pulled her to her feet and leading her to the now familiar bedroom.  
“Oliver?” she said as she stopped just short of the bedroom door.  
“Hmm?”  
“I’m going to trust you with my heart.”

This time, Oliver smiled as he kissed her, pulled her over the threshold and slowly closed the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coyote is a constant in their dreams and has been since I wrote Ghost of Jupiter. It's my small nod to the timelessness of the archetypes I think Oliver and Felicity represent.


	20. Interlude Part Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final chapter (plus bonus epilogue) of this painful but necessary story. It is Oliver's POV of most of the chapter before with all the blanks filled a few new tidbits to extend the story.
> 
> The epilogue shifts to Felicity's POV for necessary reasons and gets us to where I had hoped the show would begin for season 5.
> 
> Let me know what you though of this intense little book when you are done! Thank you all so much for reading it :)

_**Chapter Twenty: Interlude Ten** _

_Lush and soft like spring rain_   
_She parts her lips to speak_   
_And he listens._

_I_

_Oliver was startled awake by a sharp knock on his temporary bedroom door. At first he had no idea where he was until he heard Felicity call out to him, requesting his presence out in the lair. He was both irritated and curious at her being here so soon after the events of the previous night. When he had discovered her kneeling in prayer at the park, all he felt was anger at himself for thinking he could somehow heal her and he knew then he needed to create distance between them. For both their sakes._

_So her knocking on his door this early was not how he wanted to start his morning. He would have rathered she not be here now or even at City Hall, he was raw and filled with a chaotic storm that clouded his judgement. Even her peace offering of coffee and breakfast was tainted by their unfinished business._

_Listening to her explain that she had taken some safety precautions on the final leg of her journey somewhat mollified him but it was the underlying message that opened up wounds he thought had long since healed: that she didn’t want him with her as she found her way to the end of this part of her journey. He understood but it ignited a firestorm inside his heart. One that threatened to burn him alive in frustration, helplessness and inadequacy._

_His greatest fear was always that he would never be enough for her. It was that small piece of his self worth that been leached away by years in exile as he was forged into a weapon. His humanity, that she had helped him restore, was still so tenuous that the longer he delayed making the decision as to what kind of a man he could be, the kind of man he wanted to be, the further out of reach it drifted._

_Looking at her as she moved herself out of his orbit, he was exasperated but when she brought up his going on patrol without her at the coms, he shut down. Turning the tables on him was more than a rebuke, it was another nail in the coffin of their relationship and he knew it. They had both failed to trust one another during a moment of crisis and they knew it._

_Yet they took the time to speak honestly with each other and it helped ease his mind that she would find her footing, just as he needed to, but separately from him. They were relying too much on each other and that only lead him back to a place of fear, that without her fierce guidance he would fail. It tore him apart but he agreed that she would work upstairs in her office during the day and down at the coms at night._

_He studied the top of her head as she fidgeted with her coffee cup and almost missed it when she apologized for pushing him out onto the streets alone. His walls tumbled down and he was kneeling in front of her, reassuring her that she wasn’t responsible for his choices and that even though at the moment they needed space, he would never leave her._

_Pulling her to her feet, he wrapped her in an embrace that comforted them both. Quietly, he asked her to recite the prayer she said at the monument. It was a passage from Isaiah reflecting on how God would guide them to eternal life and it brought him to tears. Then, with a gentle push, she left his embrace and the lair._

_He stood silently in the comcenter, in the heart of her station, and listened to the elevator as it took her up and away from him. He knew they had made the right decision but he couldn’t help feeling like maybe he should have fought a little harder, pushed a little more, and made them face the issues still between them, that the day would have begun differently._

_There was one thing he had yet to tell her about the monument. If he were to be completely honest with himself, he would admit that it was something he was actually terrified to tell her about at all. While she had listed all the things he had done on behalf of the citizens of Havenrock, there was one thing he hadn’t yet told her. The monument, deep in a small cavity the artist had created, held a message he had written by hand and had placed in a special container designed to preserve paper and ink._

_He had written a letter to the citizens of Havenrock and any of their family who may be living in surrounding cities or towns. In it he told them the story of the woman who tried to save the world and had to face the devastating task of making a choice. He informed them about a man named Darhk who had chosen to burn the world to ash. Then he told them about a choice that was made to save millions, at the cost of those they loved, in a matter of seconds. He told them of the anguish, guilt and grief she lived through and that in an effort to honour their memories she had gone about learning who they were, their names, their ages, their lives. He hoped that as she came to forgive herself, that they would understand she was instrumental in literally saving the world and that he loved her with his whole heart and soul,and forgive her, too. He signed the letter as both himself and as the Green Arrow and left an arrowhead within the box that he made, engraved with her name and his._

_One day, maybe, he would tell her about it. If they made it past all of this turmoil and pain, he would show her were it was and what he said about her in it. If nothing else, it might help her find some closure to the entire incident but most importantly, he would show her just how much she mattered to him, to the city and ultimately, to the world._

_Looking down at the glove she had thrown into his lap earlier, he had a sudden flash to how he had chosen to trust her with his fractured identity the night his mother shot him. It was an instinct that he followed because he knew that he could trust her with his life and she would do what he asked of her and save it. He smiled as he thought of all the ways she had saved him ever since._

_With that thought hovering at the back of his mind, he made his way to City Hall and tackled the day of meetings, emails and phone calls. He kept looking up, half expecting to see Felicity walk past his office door, he listened for the distinctive sound of her heels on the hard marble floor and he waited for her laugh to float down the short hallway between their offices. Thea watched him and just shook her head. She knew him better than he would like but she respected the silence he greeted her questions about Felicity with and he was grateful._

_He was in the middle of a budget meeting, fighting to remain awake, when Thea popped her head in the room and asked if she could confer with him on a sensitive subject. Trying to contain his glee at the prospect of cutting the meeting short, he left the room and got the download from her about the shipment Felicity was tracking._

_It derailed his plans to get his Ducati, but if she was right they needed to act immediately. Returning to his meeting, he only half listened to the Chief of Police, made a few empty promises and then was heading down the elevator and out the front door. He made it back to the lair in record time and found Thea and Felicity already waiting._

_Felicity outlined everything she knew, why she was suspicious and without questioning her judgement, Oliver and Thea set about preparing for a long night in an abandoned warehouse. Long ago he had learned to mask his face so that no one could see what he was thinking or feeling. As a result neither Felicity or Thea could see the relief he was feeling at the prospect of heading out on patrol with his sister by his side and the woman who filled his life with love simply by existing guiding them through every obstacle safely._

_The night was uneventful but they gathered enough intel for Felicity to begin a deep search in order to track down the players they were up against. That was her wheelhouse and everyone knew it. If anyone could find their way through the puzzle and maze that was world financial banking, it was Felicity._

_When he suggested that she wrap it up for the night and head home, she very smartly put him in his place and continued to work on the trail she was on. Knowing he would lose this fight, along with a good measure of skin, he wisely turned around and headed to bed. He was exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster the day had been and was asleep within minutes._

___________________________________➳➳➳______________________________________

_The dream sprang up in front of him and he was looking at the lava encased forms of a man and a woman who, when they were alive, had loved one another enough to seek shelter in each other’s arms from the volcanic storm that rained down all around them in 79 CE. Pompeii had been something he had wanted to share with her a lifetime ago and then one day they stood before the remains of a man and a woman forever locked in stone and connected to an ancient rhythm. Felicity had vibrated in his arms like tempest that night and wept for the unknown lovers._

_Oliver turned around and came face to face with the moment Felicity had walked away from him in an effort to protect her heart and live again. That night he had sat at the table and walled himself away so that he could process, piece by piece, the way he had sabotaged the one relationship in his life that held the promise of the life he wanted._

_Turning away, he felt the warm waters of the Indian Ocean lapping around his hips. Bali, he smiled. The memories he chased here were soft, sensual and full of the deepest love he had ever been privileged enough to feel. He could see her on the shore, watching him, waiting for him to return to shore and he felt the fire in his blood surge through his veins._

_He dove under the surface of the water, intending to swim back to her, but when he opened his eyes all he saw were stars as they battled to be seen past the bright face of the moon. A quick glance around told him he was in forest that surrounded their cabin at the resort. It was quiet and the air was cool and refreshing. He could hear the surf as it crashed on the shore far below. He traced a path through the Milky Way and felt the softness of the mossy earth beneath him._

_The underbrush shifted and rustled as a deer walked out of the shadows. He recognized Deer Woman immediately and waited to see if she would join him. She eyed him up, as though taking his measure, once again she found him non-threatening and quietly began to graze in the silvery moonlight. He laid back down and felt a wave of serenity and calm pass over him. He felt able to look at his why, when it came to Felicity, he reverted to a place of fear and self loathing with a clarity he had never felt before._

_He saw himself on Lian Yu. A lone man fighting to survive not just the elements but his own psyche. Every step towards civilization was a recognition of an act of violence and acceptance of the guilt and responsibility for them. Every breath was in service to his father’s mission, a mantle he felt compelled to take up, but that lone man was who he came to believe he was. That no matter the situation, the only voice he could trust was his own, and that everyone else was the enemy._

_Until Felicity. She challenged him, she frustrated him and she loved him, the man she could see lurking under the hood, and then she had pulled him from the edge of the world when he was ready to simply fall. How had lying to her, hiding his son from her, honoured that love and trust? Why did he allow the man he became on the island to push through and make the decisions?_

_The deer edged closer and settled down beside him. She was quiet but not docile. The look she gave him was not one of fear, pity or sympathy, it was one of understanding and patience. It was as if she understood his struggle for wholeness and the rage that had fueled him on his return to civilization. His restless spirit had found solace and a home which had terrified him. Deer Woman returned her attention to the stars and left him to his thoughts._

_Oliver followed her gaze and saw the gentle smudge of purple that accompanied the one object in the sky he knew how to locate with ease. He smiled as he remembered the first time he showed it to Felicity out in the southwest Colorado desert, the feel of her thighs as they wrapped around his waist and the way she moved underneath him. That night had been full of passion long since denied and a love so deep, he had hoped to never find the bottom of it._

_He smiled up at the Ghost of Jupiter and allowed himself to remember the quiet moments when it didn’t matter that his body was crisscrossed with scars and his mind a fractured landscape of destruction. With her he was the man he knew he could be, he just had to make the choice to be him by letting go of fear and the island. She had traced new designs on the surface of his ridged and tattooed skin, claiming him body and soul._

_He heard a door close off in the distance and the deer got to her feet and left the way she came. The rustling of the underbrush had fallen silent by the time she appeared and looked down at him. Felicity eclipsed the moon and wore its light as a halo while she waited for him. He looked up and smiled when he saw that she was glowing. And then he heard the distant rumble of the thunder in her veins and it rolled across him, sounding like a symphony._

_Oliver reached for her and slipped into dreamless sleep._

___________________________________➳➳➳______________________________________

_The next two weeks went by in a blaze of back alley takedowns, endless meetings, bruised ribs and precious little sleep. Oliver threw himself into the task of keeping Star City safe both night and day while Thea focused on running his mayoral office, he and Felicity concentrated on trying to track down the main player in the new organized crime syndicate taking over the underbelly of the city._

_There would never be a vacuum in Star City. Good replaced good, and bad replaced bad. There was always a balance and order to maintain. He would fight for the city until he was too old to pick up his bow. Long ago he suspected Felicity would sit at a computer until her last dying breath. He only hoped he was long gone before that happened._

_He had been watching Felicity when they were together in the lair. She was so wrapped up in the cybersecurity of the city and in finding the so far unnamed kingpin of the underworld, she failed to notice the way she was being observed._

_He knew she was working late and often sleeping upstairs in her office because her car was regularly parked in the garage. He was steadfast in staying at a distance, giving her the same space she was giving him. But he found that their orbits were shrinking and they were circling closer and closer together. It all felt natural and that is why one night, before he was even aware of what he was doing, he was standing in the doorway of her secret garden waiting for her to look up._

_He refused to allow her to stay in the cool night air and moved quicker than she could blink to take her tablet away from her. She protested but followed him down to the lair and her computers. If she was going to stay up, he felt the need to have her close. But when she asked, pushed, and questioned his motives for coming up on that night of all nights, he stumbled._

_Oliver was still as of yet unable to fully allow the fear in his heart go. When she asked him why that night, his anxiety had taken over for a just a blink of an eye and he had lied. Again. Without turning around, because he did not want to see the sadness in her eyes, he left her to her work and retreated to his room._

_Behind his closed door, he sank to his cot and stared at the floor. She had been offering a chance, an opening, for him to walk through no questions asked and he had balked and shut her down. He wanted to tell her that he came looking for her just because he wanted to see her,to make sure she was ok. He also wanted to admit to having wanted to do that for the past two weeks but was afraid she would turn him away._

_He went to bed and stared at the ceiling for hours. He listened to sound of her fingers flying over her keyboard and the occasional muttered expletive and was eventually lulled to sleep. When he awoke, well before dawn, the lair was quiet and the lights had been dimmed. Curious, he wandered out and discovered her sound asleep on the couch by the kitchenette._

_Smiling softly at her, he quickly showered and changed and ran out to get coffee and breakfast. He thought back to her attempt at a peace offering almost three weeks ago now, and decided to make an attempt at repaying that small act of kindness._

_As he stood in line at the cafe around the corner, he reflected on Felicity’s ability to be kind to him, with him, even as the rest of her world laid in tatters. Her strength, courage, intelligence and unstoppable sense of humour continued to keep him mesmerized. By the time he got back to the lair, he was already feeling the lack of sleep from nights of interrupted sleep. He had only been up an hour but he was already exhausted._

_Leaving the coffee and food on the table in front of her, he left and made his way to City Hall. Felicity had insisted in hiring a whole new group of IT specialists because the last team had been instrumental in almost killing all of them with their inability to detect the simplest things. Or so she said. When she explained it, he had just looked at her like she was speaking Swahili. The end result was him giving her carte blanche on who to hire and what to pay them._

_The morning dragged on and as he was sitting and staring out the window, not really seeing anything but he had no ability to concentrate beyond simply breathing, there was a gentle knock at his office door. He had been expecting Thea to stop by with an early lunch, so he called out for her to come in._

_He was surprised to see it was Felicity. He wanted to be more receptive because he sensed that she had something to say but he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to listen. His patience was wearing thin and he struggled to not be abrupt with her. He saw the flash of hurt in her eyes and felt ashamed of himself but his exhaustion prevented him from correcting his mistake._

_He needed a break. Sleep. Real food. He needed to find a place to call his own away from the lair. But he was too tired to do any of that and now all he could about was how he had deliberately been short with Felicity when she was simply trying to be kind._

_Running his hand over his face and through his hair, Oliver turned his thoughts to what he should do. He knew he should apologize but as he watched her close the door behind her, he felt only relief. The space returned to quiet and he sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He was looking forward to stumbling to his cot and sleeping until tomorrow. He just hoped he would find enough energy to eat before passing out._

_He wanted to tell Felicity about the dream he had where what he was running from, and hiding behind, had become clear to him. Nothing in the world meant more to him than including her in this part of his journey but he sensed it just wasn’t the right moment for him or for her. They were still so hesitant around each other and things remained complicated the longer they held back what they were thinking. The time would come, he knew, but not yet._

_Not yet, he thought as he smelled her perfume as it lingered on that air._   
_Not yet, he thought when he remembered the hurt in her eyes._   
_Not yet, he sighed as he thought of the secret pathway she had to his heart._

_The ringing of his phone brought him back to reality and the job at hand. He had meetings with more people than he cared to count and was hoping he could get them all done before five o’clock. Thea noticed how tired he looked and suggested he take off, that she could handle the last meetings of the day, and maybe they could go pick up his Ducati the following day. Oliver, grateful for his sister’s compassion, smiled wearily at her and said he thought that was a wonderful idea._

_Pulling into the lair’s garage, he spotted Felicity’s Austin Mini parked on the street in front of her office and smiled. It felt strangely comforting knowing she would be somewhere near by as he slept. He went straight to the couch by the kitchenette and laid down. By the time he pulled the blanket over himself, sleep was already pulling him into its embrace._

_He slept in the same position for four hours, it was only the insistent rumbling in his stomach that pulled him awake. Oliver struggled to sit up because he knew if he didn’t, he would sleep the rest of the night away. Food was the first thing he needed and from there he would decide if he should train, sleep or search out Felicity for a long overdue conversation._

_First things first, he thought, it’s time for dinner. He checked the contents of the kitchen and found enough to make a passable sandwich even though he was craving a steak. As he ate, he wandered over to check the security cameras. Felicity’s car was still parked out front. Feeling reckless, he went to change out of his suit and headed up the elevator._

_He had no idea what he was going to say to her but if he didn’t do it now, he feared wouldn’t do it at all. Stepping out of the elevator, the first thing he noticed was the quiet and darkness in the office. He wandered around the space looking for her and then caught sight of the soft glow of one of the lanterns in the garden._

_Quietly, he approached the doors and saw Felicity asleep on the chaise lounge. Her tablet and phone, always by her side, had slipped from her hands and were lying on the ground. He chuckled to himself as he made his way over to her. It was too cold for her to by lying out here, he thought as he tucked her devices into his pockets, time to head in._

_As gently as he could he picked her up and held her close to his chest. She didn’t react or make a sound and his breath caught in his throat. It was like everything came into focus for him, all outside noise fell away and the world reduced to just the two of them. He could feel the island fall away and become submerged in the new world he had been privileged enough to discover with her, because of her. As he crossed the garden and entered her office, he felt the last of the island’s hold slip away. It was that simple, he marveled, all it took was her._

_He laid her down on her couch and was taking off her glasses when she woke up. He laughed quietly as she struggled to wake up and ask questions at the same time. He felt her hands and they were like blocks of ice. As she woke up, he gently warmed her hands with his own, flexing and moving her fingers, and then shifted to her feet. All the while, she did what she did best with him: ask him questions that slowly drilled down to the truth._

_When she asked why he had come up, he confessed it was to apologize for being so short with her earlier in the day. Oliver was willing to stop there but she dug deeper, pushed him to speak what he was trying to hide, so he did. He told her the truth about discovering he could be the man he wanted to be and that finally he had left the island._

_Instinctively, she moved into his side, seeking warmth, comfort and his heart beat. He was more than happy to share his body heat with her. He lightly rubbed her back and relaxed into the couch beside her. The entire conversation leading up to this had been terrifying for him. He had been thinking that he would rather face an army of Mirakuru soldiers than voice what he had discovered about himself. But once he did, once he finally let the words out, he felt lighter, free and centred._

_Then he said the unimaginable, the last thing he wanted to but the only thing he felt he needed to and once the words formed in his heart and mind they pushed out past his lips. He told her that he missed her and every part of him wanted her to know that. He expected nothing from her but when she echoed what he said, the last of his fear drained away and he knew that eventually everything would be ok._

_Before leaving her, he told her about his and Thea’s plans to get his bike the next day. He missed his bike like it was a person, which made her smile at him. She knew how much that bike meant to him, it was a running joke between them. As he got up to go, he wrapped his arms around her in a fierce embrace. It gave them both a moment to reconnect, to feel the other’s gravity and presence. Breaking free, he made his way down to to his cot and managed to sleep the rest of the night without interruption._

_The next morning, just as he finished working out, his phone rang. Thea was on the other end with a hoarse voice and and an apology. She was sick and would be staying home from work and wouldn’t be able to drive him to the resort but suggested he as Felicity. He was resistant at first, the memories of their time there were intense, she might not want to revisit them. Thea, every the pragmatist, told him to swallow his pride and learn to trust that Felicity would help him no matter what. She would never leave him defenseless without his precious bike._

_Taking a deep breath, Oliver called Felicity before he lost his nerve. Thea was right, of course, Felicity was more than happy to help reunite him with his bike. She teased him about his aversion to her driving and laughed as he said good bye. He suspected the day would fly past in a blur as he waited to leave. He had a change of clothes and his leathers with him so all they would have to do is go get in her car and drive._

_They laughed and talked the entire half hour journey. The conversation only turned serious when they discussed the team. Or lack of a team. She was convinced that they needed to seriously look at recruiting new vigilantes and he was holding onto Diggle and Thea eventually returning to help him in his patrols. She just shook her head and bit her tongue but he knew deep down she was right. Diggle was gone for now and he might never return. He mourned the loss of his true brother and hoped he found what he was looking for out in the Chechen fields of war._

_When they arrived at the resort, the sun had gone down. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to driving home in the dark, but he was looking forward to getting back on Ducati. Going into the main office, the manager handed over his helmet but said they couldn’t locate his telescope. She handed over the key to the cabin to Felicity and suggested they go check to see if maybe it was still there. Business had been painfully slow since the road washed out in the storm, so no one had stayed in it since they left._

_Walking ahead of him, and using her phone as a flashlight, she chatted the whole way, laughing as he grumbled behind her. When she slipped on the uneven cobblestone pathway, he was beside her in a flash. With his arm firmly around her waist, he walked in step with her until they reached the door. She had instinctively pressed herself into his side and the warm, supple feel of her body once again molded to his was like coming home and he was loath to let her go._

_Felicity acted strangely when she opened the door to the cabin. At first he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him. There were flickering lights in the living room, like someone was there in front of the fire. He felt an adrenaline rush and urge to grab, hide her from whatever threat was in the darkness beyond her._

_She pulled him into the room and then he saw it. A candlelit table set for two. With dinner already on it. The fire was roaring and the room was warm. He looked at her and she was smiling but fidgeting in sheer panic filled nervousness. She had done this as a thank you and a surprise and implored him sit down and enjoy the meal._

_He smiled broadly at her and kept smiling at her until he saw her begin to blush. He felt alive in those moments with her. She was feeding his body and his soul, nourishing him even as the tentative steps they were making towards each other were slowly becoming strides. He ate his steak and eggs and wondered what the night might truly bring._

_With Billie Holiday playing softly in the background, Oliver watched the firelight flicker across her skin. She glowed like the sun and all he could see was the intricate dance of the universe in her eyes. She dazzled him simply by breathing. He was listening to her describe how she wasn’t sure he would be willing to accept the surprise given how things ended after the park. Nothing could be further from the truth and maybe tonight she would really listen to him._

_The storm inside him had ceased the moment they sat down so when he spoke, it was without the chaos of the wind that had battered his spirit for the past eight years. As naturally as breathing, he told her that she had provided him the map to finding his way back to himself, off the island once and for all and he could not envision a future without her in it. She stared at him, uncomprehending for a moment before asking him to repeat what he just said and he laughed at her shock._

_He suspected, rightly, that she was intent on wooing him. Oliver sat back and studied her but all he wanted to do was touch her skin, to feel her pulse under his fingers and lips. Using the excuse of wanting to inspect her hands, he knelt in front of her and waited for her to speak as he gently moved her fingers and felt the delicate new skin that had grown back._

_Felicity confessed that the largest stumbling block was trust. Trusting him with her heart and feeling safe with him. The lies he told to keep William away from her had torn a hole in her heart but she had healed enough to show him that she was willing to try. When she told him that it was Coyote who helped her find her way back to him, he laughed long and hard. She always wanted to dream of that mangy creature and just when she really needed the help, Coyote was there. He had to admit, he was a bit jealous but he did get a visit from Deer Woman whose love and compassion had finally showed him the way home._

_Unable to stop himself, he gently kissed her forehead, her cheeks and finally her lips and felt his world explode, then pull itself back together in those few precious seconds. Oliver felt as though time and space were created just for them. He opened his eyes and looked into ones that mirrored his own and fell in love all over again._

_“How long did you reserve the cottage for?” he asked in a husky voice._   
_“All weekend,” she said softly as she outlined his bottom lip with her thumbs._   
_“Good,” was all he said as he pulled her to her feet and lead her to the now familiar bedroom._   
_“Oliver?” she said as she stopped just short of the bedroom door._   
_“Hmm?”_   
_“I’m going to trust you with my heart.”_

_Oliver smiled as he kissed her, a long languid kiss that reconnected their hearts, pulled her over the threshold and slowly closed the door behind them._

_II_

_“Do we really need to close the door?” she asked as he took her glasses off, something he would never get tired of doing._   
_“I like the added quiet,” he murmured softly as he felt her hands wander up underneath his shirt._   
_“I think we need the fireplace on.”_   
_“I think you’re right,” he agreed._

_With a simple step, she moved away from him and turned on the fireplace. He sensed she was nervous and sat on the end of the large bed so he could watch her. Once she got the setting right, she slipped out of her heels and turned around. He loved watching her move even though she has once confessed that felt she was clumsy compared to all the other women he had been with. He reassured her that none of them could hold a candle to her, that she had nothing to prove to him and never would._

_“What?” she asked sheepishly._   
_“Nothing,” he said in a soft voice, “I’m just enjoying having you this close.”_   
_“Should I come closer?” she teased._   
_“Only if you want to.”_

_In answer to that, she crossed the space between them and stood between his legs. The bed’s height allowed her to stand eye to eye with him as he sat. She took his face in her hands and leaned in to kiss him, teasing his lips apart with the tip of her tongue, and he was happy to comply to her urging. He felt her hands as they traveled down his neck, exploring his shoulders and back as her tongue explored his mouth._

_He broke away to catch his breath. Resting his forehead against hers, he focused on the way her body felt pressed against his and the uncoiling heat in his pelvis sending that familiar fire in his blood up his spine._

_“Felicity,” he said softly, “I love you.”_   
_“I love you, too, Oliver,” she said gently as she pulled his shirt off over his head, “I never stopped.”_   
_“I know,” he smiled as he unzipped her dress and helped it fall to the ground._   
_“Oliver?”_   
_“Hmmm?” he murmured while undoing her bra and taking it off of her. He loved undressing her. That gentle dance, as she revealed herself to him, was the most erotic thing he had ever seen. He could feel his body’s response and knew they would have to move slowly._   
_“This is the first time we’ve...well, you know...the first…”_   
_“Spit it out, Smoak,” he chuckled as he threaded his hands through her hair, moving it out of the way so that he could kiss and lick the pulse point under her left ear._   
_“Since the implant...this…,” she stumbled as he kissed down her neck, “...is the first time.”_

_Oliver stopped and looked her in the eyes, trying to gauge what she might be feeling. He saw uncertainty and hope. Tenderly, he traced the shape of her face with his fingertips and then kissed her. It was a deep, passionate kiss. He felt her tremble under his touch, but she clung to him and he heard her soft moans as he sucked her tongue before moving to her bottom lip. The kiss slowly became a messy, searing one that pushed them both past the hesitancy of their reconnection and headlong into their need to once again explore each other’s bodies._

_With one arm around her, he picked her up, laid her on her back, and slowly made his way down her body. He licked and gently sucked first one nipple and then the other until she gasped in pleasure, but still under it all, he could feel her body trembling ever so slightly. The journey he was taking took him to her bullet wound scars. He stopped a moment and traced each one with his finger tips and tongue until the tremors that rolled through her body stopped._

_He felt tears gathering at the corners of his eyes as he remembered how close he had come to losing her that night, how Darhk had almost stolen from him the one thing that he had discovered was worth living for. Oliver stopped and breathed her in, overwhelmed for just a moment by the intensity of the emotion that was wrapped around the memory._

_“Oliver?” she whispered, “Are...are you ok?”_   
_“Yes, I am just...I am just remembering…”_

_Sitting up, Felicity pulled his head up so that he was looking at her. He felt a tear escape and tumble down his cheek. She tenderly wiped it away and leaned down so that her lips were next to his ear._

_“It wasn’t your fault, Oliver,” she whispered._   
_“I almost lost you,” he said as he voice broke in remembered agony._   
_“I’m right here,” she murmured as she lowered her lips to his and kissed him until he forgot the pain of the moment before._

_He pushed forward until she was lying on her back once again. Now, he wasted no time as he traveled down her body. Pausing only briefly to hook his thumbs under the elastic waistband of her panites in order to slip them off of her. Instinctively, she let her legs fall open, framing his shoulders._

_Kissing her below her bellybutton, he paused to circle her clit with his fingers, feeling the hot, silky wetness of her as he did so. As she grasped the sheets in her fists, he lowered his mouth to her, drinking her in as he sucked and rasped his tongue against her. He had missed the sweetness of her, the way she tasted of honey and wine._

_He could feel her orgasm building from deep within in her. The bed shook gently as her body rumbled. She gasped and moaned and cried out his name as a flood of warmth spread across his face. He kissed the inside of her thighs and back up her body into she could taste herself on his tongue._

_“Oh God, Oliver,” she panted, “I forgot about your magic tongue.”_   
_“That good?” he chuckled as he took his pants and underwear off._   
_“You have no idea.”_

_Laughing, Oliver slipped an arm around her and lifted her up off the bed. In answer, she wrapped her legs around his waist. He felt the heat of her against his belly and moaned into her neck and was sure he would spontaneously combust soon. Moving up the bed, he lowered her body so that her head was on a pillow and then lowered his body down onto hers. In answer to this, she began to grind against him._

_“Felicity…,” he gasped._   
_“Shhh,” she said as she guided him into her body, “We’ll go slow…”_

_Oliver raised his head up so that he could look her in the eyes as he eased inside her, slowly, inch by inch. He wanted to watch for that moment when she got lost in how he was making her feel, when her eyes would glaze over and she would cling to him, trusting him to take care of her body and soul. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he started to thrust inside her in a deep, rolling motion. He loved how her body welcomed him in and then wrapped around him like a glove._

_“Oliver…,” she moaned softly as she closed her eyes, “Just like that...God, I’ve missed you.”_   
_“Look at me,” he coaxed softly, “Look at me, baby…”_

_She opened her eyes and smiled as he continued to move inside her. He could see a flush of pink moving up her neck as she started to breathe in shortened gasps. The grip she had with her legs around his waist tightened and he took that as his cue to move faster. Her eyes glazed over and this time as he watched them close, he knew she was lost somewhere in the rolling ocean of pleasure she was sailing on. He lowered his lips to hers and laid claim to her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth in time to how his cock moved in her body._

_Her hips moved faster, rocketing against his harder and harder, until that delicious moment when all the tension drained from her limbs and then she tightened around him, squeezing down hard as her orgasm took over and she clung to him, crying out his name over and over, until he felt the spreading heat of his own orgasm as it uncoiled and pushed up his spine. His mind fractured, splintered and all he knew was the feel of her pulsing around him and the feel of her skin against his. He came long and hot deep inside her, with her name tumbling off his tongue like a prayer._

_“Tell me we can do that again,” she whispered in his ear._   
_“Maybe in half an hour,” he mumbled into her neck._   
_“That long?”_   
_“Are you trying to kill me?”_   
_“I thought you prided yourself on your stamina!”_   
_“Smoak, I am only human,” he chucked into her neck._   
_“You are going to have to get off of me, though.”_

_Moving slowly, he slid off and out of her. Propping himself up on his elbow, he looked down at her, marveling at her skin in the firelight. She smiled up at him, reaching to run her hand down his face, neck and chest. He felt simultaneously large and small next to her. She humbled him and for that he would be eternally grateful to her._

_“Why don’t you start the shower and I’ll go and make sure we haven’t set the living room on fire,” he suggested._   
_“That sounds like a good idea. You don’t pay me enough to cover fire damage.”_   
_“I don’t pay me enough for that,” he laughed as he watched her get up and make her way to the bathroom. All that walking she had done had paid off, he thought, as his gaze lingered on her legs._

_The living room was warm and the candles had burned dangerously low. He blew them out and turned off the fireplace, plunging him into darkness. Wandering over to the enormous windows, he stood and looked out at the calm forest and listened for the ocean far below. For the first time in a long time, he was looking forward to whatever the future had in store._

_“Oliver?” she called quietly from behind him, “Ready?”_   
_“Of course,” he smiled and went to join her._

_The shower was hot and steamy by the time they got inside of it and they fell back into the habit of washing each other clean. It was intimate, comfortable and allowed him to memorize the scars on her back the same way she had memorized his._

_Warm and drowsy, they retired back into the enormous bed and each other’s arms. She traced the shark bite absent mindedly while he wound strands of her hair around his fingers. He sensed she was thinking, so he kissed the top of her head and waited._

_“You may as well start talking, Felicity,” he said soothingly, “Or you are going to explode.”_   
_“How can you always tell when I am wanting to talk?”_   
_“You’re kidding, right?”_   
_“Oliver…,” she warned with a laugh._   
_“What’s on your mind?” he asked softly._   
_“Should we...date?” she asked hesitantly._   
_“Date?”_   
_“Yeah, we never really dated before. We just kind of...dove in without looking.”_   
_“So would this be date number one?”_   
_“It could be,” she said softly._   
_“Then yes, I think we should date. I think we should date a lot.”_

_Felicity groaned in mock annoyance as he laughed at her._

_“Dating you would make me the luckiest man on earth, Felicity.”_   
_“It would. It really would,” she agreed as she looked up at him, her eyes glowing with merriment._   
_“Felicity, everyday we were apart was the worst day of my life,” he said, suddenly serious, “I can’t promise to be perfect but the island is gone, that man is gone. I didn’t know if I was going to survive without you but I realized I could survive thanks to you.”_   
_“Oliver…,” she began softly as she ran her hand down his torso and inner thigh, “I think we saved each other.”_   
_“I think I might be ready for date number two,” he murmured as his cock twitched and began to harden. She ran her nails lightly up and over his hips and kissed his chest._   
_“I think I am ready for date number two and three.”_   
_“Felicity! I never saw you as that kind of woman,” he said in pretend shock and alarm._   
_“Shut it, Queen,” she growled as she swung her leg over him and pushed herself up so she could look down at him._   
_“You are gorgeous, you know that?”_   
_“You’ve mentioned that once or twice,” she breathed as she moved up and down his cock as it laid against his belly between them._   
_“I…,” Oliver started, “I might be able to get you to date number four.”_   
_“That is a bet I will take.”_   
_“What do I get if I win?”_   
_“The pleasure of knowing you can do it.”_

_Oliver had better control of himself this time and was able to coax her body through one orgasm to the next. When she shuddered for the third time, holding his hands against her chest, her head fell back and as he looked at her, breathing deep through her orgasm, she was cloaked in a golden glow and spreading behind her were wings of fire._

_Sitting up, he pulled her legs around his waist and slowly rocked her body against his. He whispered in her ear, telling her how much he loved, that life held so much more meaning with her in it, that he would protect her heart. And just as she came again, for the fifth time, he finally joined her. He moaned a low, growling sound, deep in his throat and thrust hard in uneven strokes until he found his release._

_“Date number five,” she gasped._   
_“I was hoping for six,” he panted into her neck._   
_“Oliver?”_   
_“Hmm?”_   
_“I think we’ll far exceed date number six,” she murmured against his mouth. Lightly, she traced the outline of his lips and sucked his tongue into her mouth, dancing his own around it and wished her could continue making love to her._   
_“I think I need to clean up again,” he sighed._   
_“Me, too,” she agreed._   
_“Then sleep?”_   
_“Yes, lots of sleep.”_

_Picking her up, he carried them into the bathroom and started the shower. He massaged her arms and legs, he soaped up a loofa and washed her clean, lingering on her breasts and scars. He reached between her legs and felt an earthquake tumble through her, shaking the shower floor beneath his feet. Pressing into her, he continued to run his fingers up and down her length until the bath lotion was gone and his hands had been washed clean of the suds. Then he deliberately stroked her clit until she grabbed onto his arms._

_There was no stopping him once she arched her back and started to tremble. He eased two fingers inside her, pulsing them forward as she rocked her hips and ground her clit against the palm of his hand. He felt the way she tightened around his fingers, squeezing them deep inside her, and came hot like lava over his hand._

_“No more,” she moaned, “I can’t feel my legs.”_   
_“Let me dry you off,” he suggested quietly._   
_“Ok...but watch the hands,” she warmed weakly._   
_“Promise.”_

_A few minutes later, dried and exhausted, Oliver carried Felicity back to the bed, climbed in beside her and fell asleep before he could pull her to his side. Over the course of the night, Felicity found her way to him. He awoke briefly to find her arm thrown across his chest and her head on his shoulder._

_Gently, so as not to wake her, he shifted so that her head fell to his chest and then he slipped back into dreamless sleep. When morning came, they woke up at the same time. The sun was up but was rising behind the cabin so the sun’s rays lit up the forest outside their bedroom window. There was a light layer of frost on the cedar trees and a heavy dew falling from the live oak trees. Oliver was happy to see that the resort had lost no trees in the storm they had ridden out a few weeks prior._

_Oliver lightly rubbed her back and closed his eyes as she stroked his cock to a state past hardness. Just when he felt himself begin to swell, she climbed on top of him, guided him inside her and slowly rotated her hips in time their heart beats, and rode him, soft and sure. He pulled her to him, kissing her passionately until she broke free from him, buried her head in his neck and cried out as her orgasm rocked through her._

_“I love you,” she moaned, “God, I love you.”_   
_“Keep moving your hips like that,” he gasped as she ground up and down his hard cock, “God, don’t....don’t stop….”_

_Between kissing his neck, face and lips, Felicity murmured her truths to him. That she loved him with her entire heart and soul, that he was her always and nothing could change that. She increased the pressure inside her around his cock and came in a long, hot stream deep inside her. He moaned into her neck and felt the vibration of it travel the length of her body._

_“Morning dates are my new favourite thing,” she sighed._   
_“Felicity,” he said in a voice choked with emotion, “I hope that one day morning dates will happen all the time.”_   
_“Me, too,” she said sincerely as she held him close._

_The weekend went by in a haze of ecstasy filled intimate moments. Oliver kept discovering new depths of love and desire for Felicity as they slowly revealed more and more to each other, laying the foundation for the rest of their lives. Working through the fear and the hesitancy, Oliver was finally able to show her his commitment to the two of them._

_As he watched her leave in her car, he thought of all the moments that had threatened to drown them, where it would have been easier to give up and just sink beneath the waves of guilt and grief. He thought about the garden, the park and the way she had paved the way to a greater place of grace and joy simply by placing her trust in him and offering to open her heart to his again. It was knowing that they had walked through the unimaginable together, found solace in something greater than themselves, and ultimately walked out of the maelstrom and found the quiet love that had always been waiting for them on the other side._

 

 

**Epilogue: Sanctuary**

  
_Gently, she takes his hand_  
 _Pulls him through the doubt_  
 _And stands beside him._

 

Felicity enjoyed the return to Star City and rediscovering the joys of being in a relationship with Oliver again. Together, they found him an apartment to call home. It was located midway between the loft and the lair, which proved beneficial for a number of different reasons. Many a night, after he had returned from a night of patrols, they had retired to his place, too engrossed in each other to care about anything else except the feel of each other’s skin.

One night, after a long night at City Hall working with the new IT department, Felicity called Oliver to say she was on her way to the lair if he still wanted to go out on a quick patrol. He did but asked her to pick up some papers in her office on the way down. She thought it was odd but said she would.

By the time she got there, she was hungry and feeling the effects of long nights and early mornings. She was so distracted that by the time got there that she failed to notice the soft glow coming from her garden. It was only when she heard Billie Holiday’s voice distilling love and desire into rich tones that still sent shivers down her spine did Felicity look up and see the lights illuminating the secret space.

Curious, she approached the open door and saw Oliver reclining on the chaise lounge, seemingly waiting for her. She spent a moment to look at him before walking in. He was gorgeous in the golden light. It reflected off of the hard lines of his cheeks and jaw, softening his features and washing the years of pain and torment away. She loved him with an intensity that left her breathless.

“Hey,” she called quietly.  
“Hey,” he smiled.  
“What’s all this?”  
“Come and see.”

Her interest was more than peaked, so she crossed to where he was and it was then that she saw the coffee table. A smile crossed her face as she took in the candles, flowers and bags of Big Belly Burger.

“Oliver, I don’t think I have ever loved you as much as I love you right now.”  
“I know the best way to your heart, don’t I?”  
“I don’t know if I want to eat the food or thank you first,” she said with a wink.  
“I think I know what I would like you do,” he replied in a low voice.

Felicity hiked her dress up just a tiny bit and straddled Oliver’s hips. Without a word, she leaned down and kissed him, long and deep. She felt his hands slide down her back to grip her hips and ass and knew dinner would have to wait. When he slipped one of his hands between her legs, she moaned and pulled away. His fingers circled her clit through her panties, she had to grip his shoulders to keep herself upright.

“Move my panties aside,” she murmured as she undid his pants. He was hard and ready for her already, sometimes she liked stroking his cock to get him ready for her, but right now she was glad he didn’t need any help from her mouth or hands.  
“Felicity, the food will get cold,” he teased.  
“Don’t care,” she said as she kissed him again, dancing her tongue around his and feeling the steady throb of his cock in her hand as she guided him into her.  
“God, this is going to be quick,” he moaned.  
“Good…,” she panted.

Pressing her forehead to his, Felicity set the pace as she moved up and down his hard length before sinking slowly all the way down and moved her hips in a circular pattern, not letting up in the increase of her tempo until she felt the spreading warmth of her orgasm and the intense, uncoiling heat of the fire in her pelvis.

She flexed forward and hooked her feet over his strong thighs, increasing the tension of the hold her body had on him. He gripped her and groaned as she shuddered and pulsed around him. Felicity felt him swell and throb deep inside her and squeezed him until his hips jerked hard while his strokes became uneven, chaotic, and he came with her name on his lips.

“I love our dates,” he mused as she lay against his chest.  
“I sure hope we can have longer one later.”  
“Me, too,” he chuckled.  
“We should clean up.”  
“Mmmhmm,” he hummed in agreement.  
“Oliver?”  
“Felicity?”  
“I’m starving.”

With a laugh, Oliver sat up and grabbed some napkins off the table and helped her clean her now sticky thighs. Later could not come soon enough, she thought with mounting desire as his fingers lingered near her still sensitive clit.

“I have something I want to show you later,” he said cryptically.  
“Tonight? It’s late already.”  
“I know.’  
“What is it?” she asked curiously. She moved to sit on the couch in order to eat her burger.  
“It’s a surprise.”  
“Oliver,” she groaned in mock annoyance, “I love that you got me the Double Bacon Cheeseburger but you know I hate mysteries like that!”  
“It’s a surprise! Not a mystery!” he protested, “And I am going to have to insist you get your cholesterol checked after eating that.”  
“Nope. I love not knowing.”  
“So you DO like a mystery!”  
“Oh my God, Oliver.”

Reluctantly, she agreed to go with him. He insisted she get changed into her motorcycle leathers even though the ride was short, he wanted her to experience what the suit looked like for real. Grumbling, she went to the lair and got changed while he did the same. She was tired and this added fifteen minutes to an already long day even though he looked stunning in his black leather.

Getting on the Ducati, they left the garage and headed towards the river. Oliver took a long circuitous route that made her impatient. To focus him, she let her hands slip from his chest to his inner thighs. She felt him tense up as she stroked him through his leather pants. The desired effect was achieved as pulled to a stop in front of the gates of the Memorial Park.

“Felicity,” he said in his low growl, “that was cruel.”  
“Well, it got us here, didn’t it?” she laughed.  
“Come on,” he said, reaching for her hand, “let’s go.”  
“So what is it? I’ve seen the entire park about a hundred times.”  
“You’ll see. I need you to come with me, please,” he insisted as he pulled her gently towards the gate.

Giving in, Felicity followed him into the quiet, dimly lit park. It was then that she saw the luminescent design of his suit. A soft green pattern of arrows and intricate Chinese calligraphy shimmered down the seams of his jacket and pants. It was perfectly him. On the back was a dark green set of initials, so dark that it took her a good minutes to make out the letters “OTA”. She smiled and made a note to thank Cisco for remembering when she called them Original Team Arrow.

“I love the design on your suit,” she said softly as she traced the letters on his back.  
“Look at yours,” he encouraged.

Looking down, Felicity saw the soft pink design in what looked like binary code spelling out “Overwatch”, ‘OTA’ and ‘It was red’ up and down her arms and legs. It was intimate, personal and perfect. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she thought about all the emotion behind each word.

“What does it say on my back?” she asked softly as she didn’t trust her voice.  
“OTA, just like is says on mine.”  
“I love you,” she whispered as she moved in to embrace him.  
“I love you, too,” he murmured, “Now come with me.”

Silently, they walked through the park, arms around each other and steps in sync. Oliver lead her to the large marble and stone memorial in the very heart of the park. It was the one she had laid stones and pebbles on in what felt like a lifetime ago. Oliver pulled her into his side and she felt him tremble just a tiny bit as they stood in silence in front of the names of so many.

She felt a twinge deep in her chest, the one she associated with the pain of guilt and grief. Sensing her shift in energy, Oliver kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back. It was something he did to comfort her, to make her feel safe and protected. Even at her lowest moments, Felicity always felt the power of him, that strength he kept hidden from everyone else, in the way he touched her in her uncertain moments.

Slowly and with great deliberation, Oliver began to speak.

“Do you see that space on the plaque that looks like a door?” he asked.  
Felicity nodded silently.  
“Well, it is a door and behind that door is box that has been hermetically sealed. Inside that box is a handcrafted metal arrowhead with our code names engraved on it and another container that is designed to preserve paper and ink. Inside that box is a letter.”  
“Letter? What does it say?” she asked with genuine curiousity.

Oliver told her. As he spoke the words he had written about her, Darhk, himself and the reasons behind the decision she had to make in the blink of an eye, she found herself staring up at him in wonder. This man, this impossibly strong, powerful man, who could snap a man’s neck with his bare hands, had written a letter so full of love and forgiveness that she found herself almost unable to breathe.

The longer he spoke, about why he felt compelled to write it, about his need to have her forgive herself and the remnants of the city forgive her as well, the more it became clear to her how profoundly he loved her and that yes, once and for all he had left the island. With tears streaming down her face, Felicity finally pushed away the unimaginable and sought solace with Oliver by her side.

Later that night, as he moved inside her with deep, long thrusts, Felicity took his face between her hands and sought out his eyes. They had darkened to the stormy blue she associated with desire and love. Just as he pushed her body to crest the wave of ecstasy she was on, she saw what she was waiting for reflected in his eyes. She saw the universe unfold in his darkened irises and the cosmic dance of eternity with only him.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mentioned a couple of things in this chapter that reference three other stories I have written:  
> 1\. Ghost of Jupiter  
> 2\. Ghost of Jupiter: Bali  
> 3\. Ghost of Jupiter: The Journey Home 
> 
> Part 3 is a work in progress and should be completely posted in the next 4 weeks or so.  
> Coyote is mentioned and was first introduced in Part 1. Deer Woman will be introduced shortly in Part 3. 
> 
> The series is my take on their world adventures in between seasons 3 and 4. The are all my head canon and I swear by them! lol


	21. Epilogue Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No new content, just read the message :)

No new content but a link to:

Klamath: An Unimaginable Interlude

<https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077335/chapters/24707433>

This story picks up a short time after the first part, The Unimaginable, ends. The fall out from Havenrock, for Felicity, is still very much front of mind. It has only succeeded in opening up old wounds from her childhood with respect to her father.

She finds herself drowning in emotional trauma and finds herself running from Star City and Oliver in an effort to find quiet, privacy and peace. In the course of this, she acts out of character and Oliver, who knows her better than anyone else, tracks her down.

This is the story of what happens after he finds her and they find each other.

 

and

 

Spiral: The Unimaginable Part Three

<http://archiveofourown.org/works/8721766/chapters/19996084>

Their story picks up three months after the end of this one and continues onward with the healing of their relationship and themselves. They walk separate journeys this time with the aid of Death and Dream (from The Sandman comics written by Neil Gaiman) in their dreams.

I am having loads of fun writing the dream sequences as the waking ones are heavy and full of love, hurt, angst and deep trauma. Ya know, my wheelhouse lol

I wanted to be sure everyone here who has an active subscription/update going was aware of it :)


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